Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[GinON]

Glad this site is here, I have read several posts and its good to not feel alone!

 

I will give a little intro and ask questions:

 

INTRO:

My wife and I have a couple of kids 4 and 6 and I am a stay at home dad. A few months back, I got the "things are not going well, I might be done with our relationship" talk, she made some unrealistic attempts to save things which I think were intended, unconsciously, to prove it would fail. How about we go from sex once every 6 months to watching shades of Gray at a hotel? Yeah that will work... talk about performance anxiety!

 

I have been busting my ass to change myself for the better, some at her suggestion and I fixed some of my lifelong self esteem and psychological fear issues, which were quite bad and confused her, she has none. They used to affect me in every way and were a genuine problem for me in life but I have made mountains of progress fixing them in the last 4 months.

 

I have also made a bunch of mistakes, being sad and pathetic around her on occasion when I learn something about how I acted hurt her. (I dont know if that is actually a terrible thing to do but in this case I think it just makes her see more weakness) I have also talked about the relationship a lot but I dont get angry.

 

She is getting more distant daily.

 

She is still living in the house but in a different room, I take care of the kids, the chores, car maintenance, pay bills etc. She makes all the money.

 

We are also in the process of building a house in another state.

 

I think she is pretty much done, but has never said we are getting a divorce. Without the kids she would have left, so its pretty bad.

 

I do not want to get a divorce, I am very much attracted to her, but was just bitter from years of failed connection. If she were to come around I would be quite happy but I am a different person so I am not sure what our relationship would be like.

 

I have been reading How to Improve Your Marriage Without saying anything. The book stresses how men hate shame (I am hypersensitive) and women hate feeling vulnerable and she is very susceptible to that. We have been hurting each others for years not knowing why. Wish I had read that 10 years ago!

 

We have been building a house for our retirement and its not even close to finished.

She still asks me to do stuff around the house like rearrange the furniture and install things. Its like she is playing house with her old roommate which we basically are now.

 

Questions:

 

Where should I draw the line on redecoration our home? Why the hell are you asking me to do this when you are leaving? (I haven't said that out loud) Is this just habit?

 

Should I still take care of her things like her car, ordering stuff for her, making her dinner?

 

These are things a single adult should take care of on their own and while I am doing it I wonder if I am being taking advantage of. She pays the bills and I feel like I can't say, "Nah, you cook your own food and do your own laundry."

 

Its a weird place to be, I am fighting both desperation to save this and also dont want to be a doormat.

 

Thanks for reading and offering any advice in advance.

 

G

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't be nasty while you are all in the same house. If you are making dinner for you & the kids, make enough for her too. It's not that much more work.

 

No you don't have to fix her car or redecorate the house.

 

You should consult a lawyer now while you have access to the joint checking account. If you have no income, you will need pendente lite support once she's gone.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should consult a lawyer now while you have access to the joint checking account.

 

Couldn't agree more. Understanding your options in a powerful thing.

 

Where should I draw the line on redecoration our home? Why the hell are you asking me to do this when you are leaving? (I haven't said that out loud) Is this just habit?

 

Should I still take care of her things like her car, ordering stuff for her, making her dinner?

 

These are things a single adult should take care of on their own and while I am doing it I wonder if I am being taking advantage of. She pays the bills and I feel like I can't say, "Nah, you cook your own food and do your own laundry."

 

Well, she's still supporting you, right? I wouldn't change much of what you're doing as you try to work this out.

 

Is she open to counseling? It's unclear from your post - and therefore probably unclear to you - what it is she wants. MC might be a forum to allow both of you to lay your cards on the table. Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PRW]

There's a good book that may provide insight. It is about men improving themselves but is practical without any psycho-babble and excuse-making, or victemology.

 

 

How to be a 3% Man

by Corey Wayne

[GinON]

Thanks, I am going to the library now, maybe they will have it.

 

She just texted me asking me how i feel about her buying a blanket...

 

I am pretty sure she doesn't know what she wants.

 

So odd.

[d0nnivain]

Since she seems on the fence & confused do try MC before you head for divorce court.

[PRW]

I went back and read through your details. I really don't know how to address this without coming across as an ass. So if I come across that way I apologize in advance,...I'm really honestly trying not to.

 

Dude, you are a wreck. Even with some very good guidance and instruction you are still looking at 3-4 years of hard work on self-improvement. You don't have 3-4 years of time left in your situation to save it,...sorry to say that.

 

The book I recommended above is a great start. It is fairly short and can be had for a measly $20. The bulk of it is the journey of the author through his life,...the same journey you need to take.

 

I can point out some highlights in your details that you need to be aware of, but that is about all I can do. Again, I'm not trying to be an ass, but some things just have to be pointed out.

 

How about we go from sex once every 6 months to watching shades of Gray at a hotel? Yeah that will work... talk about performance anxiety!

 

 

She is trying to get you aroused and to give you an example of the boldness that a man should be showing in the bed. The main character is a total "dick", right, but that isn't the part you need to see. What you need to see is the boldness and the "take charge" attitude of the main character. Women function emotionally and it is the emotionally passionate, almost "animalistic" arousal that the female characters in the movie experience, that the main character brings out in them.

 

I have been busting my ass to change myself for the better, some at her suggestion and I fixed some of my lifelong self esteem and psychological fear issues, which were quite bad and confused her, she has none. They used to affect me in every way and were a genuine problem for me in life but I have made mountains of progress fixing them in the last 4 months.

 

 

That's good. But you are not the one that determines if you have made good progress or not. You are not the measuring stick,...she is. If she doesn't think you have made noticeable progress,...then you haven't.

 

(I am hypersensitive)

Those words should never come out of a man's mouth.

 

Where should I draw the line on redecoration our home? Why the hell are you asking me to do this when you are leaving? (I haven't said that out loud) Is this just habit?

What? You should be the one planning for the decorating. Asking her what she might like, and then when she comes home from work she finds the work already done, and done with even higher quality than she expected.

 

Should I still take care of her things like her car, ordering stuff for her, making her dinner?

It's your JOB! You are the "stay at home" partner. Now normally I would say she can do the cooking and YOU do the others (while working and supporting the household) but in this particular case it is all on you since she is the one supporting the household.

 

These are things a single adult should take care of on their own and while I am doing it I wonder if I am being taking advantage of. She pays the bills and I feel like I can't say, "Nah, you cook your own food and do your own laundry."

Dude, you are practically the freeloader here. You should be doing everything there is to possibly do in the home while she is at work supporting the family,...and when you run out of those things think of a few things to do that she didn't expect you to do and get those done as well.

 

Its a weird place to be, I am fighting both desperation to save this and also dont want to be a doormat.

No one made you a doormat. You are a piece of rug that keeps getting walked on because it is just laying around in the way. The rug needs to stand up, get busy, and do something, and be valuable.

 

I really hope you can see your way through this, but you have a lot of work ahead of you.

 

I think this video fits the situation pretty well. Don't take the title personally, the title is derived from what the woman said in the letter she wrote that the video is based on.

[GinON]

Thanks, great helpful info.

Edited August 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

OP: Have you worked (e.g., before you and your wife had kids)? Did your wife let you be a stay-at-home dad reluctantly? I mean, she knew you’re a super beta guy when she signed up for all this, no? I have female friends who like beta guys as they want a guy to be predictable and to listen to them. It’s strange that your wife would suddenly want you to act like Christian Grey. I think you should continue to do whatever duties you’ve been doing (cooking, errands, taking care of cars), but just do those things “professionally” like you’re doing a job. Don’t engage with her emotionally. Don’t interact with her more than necessarily.

[No_Go]

OP: Have you worked (e.g., before you and your wife had kids)? Did your wife let you be a stay-at-home dad reluctantly? I mean, she knew you’re a super beta guy when she signed up for all this, no?.

 

C'mon why would you think he's a 'super beta' just because he's a SAHD? Whoever earns less in the couple is the one who makes sense to take time off regardless of gender, just by pure math. Whether he's alpha or beta sexually has nothing to do with their decision how to raise their kids.

[No_Go]

She still asks me to do stuff around the house like rearrange the furniture and install things. Its like she is playing house with her old roommate which we basically are now.

 

IMO you should continue doing things as is as long as you live together. It's a business arrangement now more than personal.

 

I lived few months with an ex post-break up and that's how we did it. We kept treating bills and chores the same way as before. 'Romance' being over doesn't mean bills don't need to get paid and house shouldn't be maintained right.

[JuneL]

C'mon why would you think he's a 'super beta' just because he's a SAHD? Whoever earns less in the couple is the one who makes sense to take time off regardless of gender, just by pure math. Whether he's alpha or beta sexually has nothing to do with their decision how to raise their kids.

 

He’s a super beta guy because he’s acting super sensitive and needy in front of his wife, and he doesn’t take control of stuff (even how to handle house decorations).

 

Speaking of $$, does your wife make a lot? She’ll have to pay alimony in addition to child support.

[No_Go]

He’s a super beta guy because he’s acting super sensitive and needy in front of his wife, and he doesn’t take control of stuff (even how to handle house decorations).

 

Speaking of $$, does your wife make a lot? She’ll have to pay alimony in addition to child support.

 

He is acting that way probably because of power imbalance at the moment (she's making the money).

 

She'd need to pay alimony regardless of the income I think, actually depends on the length of the marriage and other factors (e.g. him having passive income etc).

[PRW]

Thanks, great helpful info.

 

 

Welcome.

Hope things work out.

I tried to keep it as tame as I could

[JuneL]

He is acting that way probably because of power imbalance at the moment (she's making the money).

 

She'd need to pay alimony regardless of the income I think, actually depends on the length of the marriage and other factors (e.g. him having passive income etc).

 

Yes, but if she’s not making a lot of $$, having to pay alimony plus child support is going to lower her living standard a lot.

 

Good point about power imbalance. That’s why not many men in today’s society are willing to be a stay-home-dad.

[GinON]

He’s a super beta guy because he’s acting super sensitive and needy in front of his wife, and he doesn’t take control of stuff (even how to handle house decorations).

 

Speaking of $$, does your wife make a lot? She’ll have to pay alimony in addition to child support.

Yeah, its good enough.

 

I was originally happily employed, doing something I LOVE but not high income, and had a house and a vehicle, I was an a classic alpha, with a sense of power and she respected me. She eventually got the good job and we moved gradually over a couple years. I lost my job around the same time because of some BS administrator. She figured out some of the ways I was an a33hole and corrected them forcefully. I built us a house by hand during the downturn while she worked and its a great house that has won awards and been in magazines, but the damage to my personality was done, I became emasculated for some classic reasons and lost my nerve and dominance. The house was a temporary source of confidence for me, but it was a distraction from my real goals. These personality changes have been disappointing for her and that feeds my sense of failure, it was a spiral that led to her realization earlier this year.

 

I am picking myself up off the floor but like PRW said, there may not be enough time for my wife. I need to do it either way so my kids and I can enjoy life.

I will most likely have custody because of her job description, which I wont discuss.

 

I am reading the book PRW suggested and most of it is not new information for me, I just didnt realize how important it is in a long term relationship.

 

Its good to get perspective from you all, I am alone with this otherwise and that can be circular and painful.

 

Thanks for all your honesty!

[JuneL]

Perhaps you can go back to work once both of your kids are in school? You might need to hire help here and there if your wife’s job doesn’t allow her to have meaningful custody. It sounds like your being a stay-at-home dad is taking a big toll on your self esteem.

 

Yeah, its good enough.

 

I was originally happily employed, doing something I LOVE but not high income, and had a house and a vehicle, I was an a classic alpha, with a sense of power and she respected me. She eventually got the good job and we moved gradually over a couple years. I lost my job around the same time because of some BS administrator. She figured out some of the ways I was an a33hole and corrected them forcefully. I built us a house by hand during the downturn while she worked and its a great house that has won awards and been in magazines, but the damage to my personality was done, I became emasculated for some classic reasons and lost my nerve and dominance. The house was a temporary source of confidence for me, but it was a distraction from my real goals. These personality changes have been disappointing for her and that feeds my sense of failure, it was a spiral that led to her realization earlier this year.

 

I am picking myself up off the floor but like PRW said, there may not be enough time for my wife. I need to do it either way so my kids and I can enjoy life.

I will most likely have custody because of her job description, which I wont discuss.

 

I am reading the book PRW suggested and most of it is not new information for me, I just didnt realize how important it is in a long term relationship.

 

Its good to get perspective from you all, I am alone with this otherwise and that can be circular and painful.

 

Thanks for all your honesty!

[PRW]

I am reading the book PRW suggested and most of it is not new information for me, I just didnt realize how important it is in a long term relationship.

Same thing I thought when I read it. I was life changing for me.

[PRW]

Good point about power imbalance. That’s why not many men in today’s society are willing to be a stay-home-dad.

 

 

I had a relative be the stay at home dad for a few years. But he was able to pull it off. He was working on a Master Degree while his wife worked full time. He raised the kids in their early years like that. He was able to maintain masculinity and after getting the Masters done his wife stopped working full time and he went back to leading the family.

 

 

But most of the time it isn't a happy ending. When sexual polarity is lost attraction fades and it all falls apart.

[JuneL]

I had a relative be the stay at home dad for a few years. But he was able to pull it off. He was working on a Master Degree while his wife worked full time. He raised the kids in their early years like that. He was able to maintain masculinity and after getting the Masters done his wife stopped working full time and he went back to leading the family.

 

 

But most of the time it isn't a happy ending. When sexual polarity is lost attraction fades and it all falls apart.

 

Your relative’s situation is different though. I personally knew guys in medical school or doing a prestigious PhD program while their wives or serious girlfriends were working full time and making clearly more money. In such cases, the couple knew the guy was working toward landing a real job (likely a good one). Plus, medical school and a top PhD program is like a full-time job anyway. But depending on the subjects, some PhD students can work mostly from home and have more flexible hours, so they take care of most/more of the household duties.

[PRW]

One of the communication skills you will learn in the book goes like this:

 

A couple is arguing. She says, "This [situation] is just like what you did back 2 years ago when you did [whatever you did]. The guy gets more mad and says, "I though we put that behind us! Why do you keep bringing up the past!". Then more yelling ensues.

 

What is happening is that the woman is NOT bringing up the past. She is trying to communicate or describe a feeling/emotion. She is saying that the way the event 2 years ago made her feel is the way that you are making her feel now. The feeling is the focus, not the event. The event is just an "example" to explain the feeling. When the guy understands this he can have more compassion for her and a lot less anger.

 

Now lay this idea over the top of the Shades of Grey story above in the original OP post. Remember that the TV Series was extremely popular with Women. Now think about what a woman might be feeling when they watch the movie and why they might like it so much. How are they emotionally stimulated by it? Women are not visually turned on like men are. They respond by being emotionally stimulated, instead of visually. By wanting to have you watch Shades of Grey with her she is just telling you that she wants you to make her feel the same way the movie makes her feel when she watches it. Then she can feel like that in real life and not have it just be a fantasy. Now if you view it in this light, doesn't what she asked of you make a whole lot more sense?

Edited August 24, 2018 by PRW

[GinON]

One of the communication skills you will learn in the book goes like this:

 

A couple is arguing. She says, "This [situation] is just like what you did back 2 years ago when you did [whatever you did]. The guy gets more mad and says, "I though we put that behind us! Why do you keep bringing up the past!". Then more yelling ensues.

 

What is happening is that the woman is NOT bringing up the past. She is trying to communicate or describe a feeling/emotion. She is saying that the way the event 2 years ago made her feel is the way that you are making her feel now. The feeling is the focus, not the event. The event is just an "example" to explain the feeling. When the guy understands this he can have more compassion for her and a lot less anger.

 

Now lay this idea over the top of the Shades of Grey story above in the original OP post. Remember that the TV Series was extremely popular with Women. Now think about what a woman might be feeling when they watch the movie and why they might like it so much. How are they emotionally stimulated by it? Women are not visually turned on like men are. They respond by being emotionally stimulated, instead of visually. By wanting to have you watch Shades of Grey with her she is just telling you that she wants you to make her feel the same way the movie makes her feel when she watches it. Then she can feel like that in real life and not have it just be a fantasy. Now if you view it in this light, doesn't what she asked of you make a whole lot more sense?

 

Yep, lots, I dont think she knew a thing about the movie, just expected some sort of realignment of our relationship because a friend recommended it. I think she is looking for me to be stable and bold again. I reading about the testing that women do and that fits the current behavior pretty well.

 

It would help if I could sleep better at night. The cortisol my brain keeps dumping from fear is keeping me up and that is making hard to keep a clear head. One of my childhood fears was getting divorced as a parent.

HA! Does that sound familiar?

[Mr. Lucky]

She figured out some of the ways I was an a33hole and corrected them forcefully. I built us a house by hand during the downturn while she worked and its a great house that has won awards and been in magazines, but the damage to my personality was done, I became emasculated for some classic reasons and lost my nerve and dominance.

 

I don't think your wife took your mojo away, seems like you surrendered it. The upside is that it's also under your control should you decide to reclaim it.

 

50 Shades aside, I doubt your wife wants a dominant spouse in the marriage. What she does want is an empowered and masculine partner, in and out of the bedroom, with an equal stake in the outcome...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Well, now you're inferred your wife does something sleazy for a living. So guessing there's problems that run deep.

 

Anyway, you were once successful and respected and now you're not, and IMO, you need to stop being a SAHD and get your butt back to work doing whatever it takes.

 

As it stands, she likely knows she will have to grant you the decision making authority on the children since you've been the primary one who's taken care of them. Which also means she'll have to pay you a boatload of support and custody. Which is probably why she hasn't left yet. Of course, you an request the Court MAKE her do 50% custody and then she doesn't have to pay as much support to you but you have time to have a life. You need to get a job and get daycare for the kids and get your life back.

 

And if your wife has a career that requires her to be young and beautiful, remember she's only got another 10 good years before she'll be the unemployed one unable to find a job.

[JuneL]

Since you described your wife as having “a good job”, I didn’t see things from that perspective. Just curious: Has your personality change been related to her job’s description?