Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[JuneL]

What are you waiting for? If I were you, I would go to her room before she leaves for the trip, and act confidently. Hell, she might resist a little at first when she’s caught off guard; if you continue to act confidently despite her initial mild resistance, that would make you irresistible as hell to her. Then she can have something to savor during her work trip. She might be thinking about it at those work meetings

 

What do YOU think, OP?

 

The highlight of my post is on the second part. Knowing you well from this thread, I know you’re going to withdraw big time the moment you detect a slight hint of resistance from her.

 

As you can tell, I am a woman. But I learned these things from my interactions with my current and past boyfriends.

 

I think you need to watch case scenarios and see how a confident man acts step by step; pay attention to the suble details. Since your wife brought up Fifty Shades, there’s a scene I remember well. After Anna finished the interview, Grey took the sheet of questions from her notebook. Did he have to ask “May I take your sheet?” No. Did he offend Anna by taking her sheet without asking? No. Someone like you would have asked for her permission first, and Anna would end up saying no; then you would conclude that you shouldn’t have thought about taking her question sheet to begin with, as that offends her.

[GinON]

What do YOU think, OP?

 

The highlight of my post is on the second part. Knowing you well from this thread, I know you’re going to withdraw big time the moment you detect a slight hint of resistance from her.

 

As you can tell, I am a woman. But I learned these things from my interactions with my current and past boyfriends.

 

I think you need to watch case scenarios and see how a confident man acts step by step; pay attention to the suble details. Since your wife brought up Fifty Shades, there’s a scene I remember well. After Anna finished the interview, Grey took the sheet of questions from her notebook. Did he have to ask “May I take your sheet?” No. Did he offend Anna by taking her sheet without asking? No. Someone like you would have asked for her permission first, and Anna would end up saying no; then you would conclude that you shouldn’t have thought about taking her question sheet to begin with, as that offends her.

You all know me well, and I think you are all correct. I have nothing to lose at this point.

[GinON]

I went in, I went straight for it, there was a lot of resistance and I was calm and held my place, I never flinched, but she wasn’t having it. I wasn’t going to use force but she just doesn’t feel that way about me. She was stunned, that’s for sure. Said she appreciated how hard that must have been but it was actually pretty easy to do. She is stuck in an old paradigm by what she says and just didn’t expect I would have that in me. Her eyes were wide open!

 

 

I don’t regret telling her except that it will make her trip more difficult emotionally. That may have been a bad idea for her peace of mind for all the work she has to do. As for me I feel good for having told her that I wanted her. It may have been the final nail in the coffin though.

[GinON]

I went...

 

I don’t regret telling her except that it will make her trip more difficult emotionally. That may have been a bad idea for her peace of mind for all the work she has to do. As for me I feel good for having told her that I wanted her. It may have been the final nail in the coffin though.

 

After more conversations I don’t think his has affected anything and I think she is living in fantasy land. Her current plan is to move into a studio apartment when she gets back and she has this idea in her head that she will have full access to the house and kids...

 

I have explained that this isn’t how it works but she can’t hear anything I say so I am just going to prepare for the return with a legal agreement for separation. When she starts looking for apartments then I will get the lawyer involved.

 

It occurs to me that I have no reason to live here if she leaves me except for the children would get to see their mom. I have very few good job options due to my background and 8-10 year gap in serious employment. I don’t see how we will be able to live in the same town in a few years. This thought made me very despondent today. What a waste! But you can’t force love.

[Marc878]

After more conversations I don’t think his has affected anything and I think she is living in fantasy land. Her current plan is to move into a studio apartment when she gets back and she has this idea in her head that she will have full access to the house and kids...

 

She's going to want to cake eat. If you let that happen it'll just be at your expense.

I have explained that this isn’t how it works but she can’t hear anything I say so I am just going to prepare for the return with a legal agreement for separation. When she starts looking for apartments then I will get the lawyer involved.

 

When they are in unicorn land they refuse to see anything but what they want to see. You can't cut contact you will just be prolonging your pain.

 

It occurs to me that I have no reason to live here if she leaves me except for the children would get to see their mom. I have very few good job options due to my background and 8-10 year gap in serious employment. I don’t see how we will be able to live in the same town in a few years. This thought made me very despondent today. What a waste! But you can’t force love.

 

She's going ahead with her plans. If you don't go your own way it will be her way with you taking it.

 

You can do no contact with kids. Only text or email (kids and business only) pick up and drop offs are a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. I know 3 who do this and it works. I can't go nc because of kids is just an excuse. You'll get the guilt trip (do it for the kids). Bull****. She's ending the marriage it's all on her. She has her time with the kids and you have yours. Keep everything separate

 

Keep her out of your house with a D filing. Separation only allows her space to date/etc. not in your best interests. She's told you and showing you what she is going to do. Your actions will tell her if you accept it or not.

 

Better get strong and stand your ground or you are going to get walked all over.

The only one keeping you in that senario would be you.

 

She'll play the "lets be friends game" but it'll be all for her at your expense. So it's easier on her and less guilt from what she's doing. He's ok with what I'm doing cause "we're friends"!!!!

 

I hope you are fully awakened to what's coming.

[Marc878]

After more conversations I don’t think his has affected anything and I think she is living in fantasy land. Her current plan is to move into a studio apartment when she gets back and she has this idea in her head that she will have full access to the house and kids...

 

I have explained that this isn’t how it works but she can’t hear anything I say so I am just going to prepare for the return with a legal agreement for separation. When she starts looking for apartments then I will get the lawyer involved.

 

It occurs to me that I have no reason to live here if she leaves me except for the children would get to see their mom. I have very few good job options due to my background and 8-10 year gap in serious employment. I don’t see how we will be able to live in the same town in a few years. This thought made me very despondent today. What a waste! But you can’t force love.

 

You can find a way. Think.

[vla1120]

I am trying to remember the exact details of your situation. If I remember correctly, you have mad construction skills (didn't you build your house?) At the very least, you could start your own home improvement business. I also don't remember the exact ages of your children, but if they are school-aged, spend weekdays these two months while your wife is away (and your children are in school, hopefully) preparing yourself for the inevitable. When she does return, have your lawyer in place with divorce papers ready to serve. Until your business (or whatever source of income you find) is able to support yourself and your children, make child support and alimony part of the divorce agreement. Your wife makes good money. You stayed home and raised the children. If the roles were reversed, a SAHM would be expected to receive alimony and considerable child support all while staying in the family home. You should be able to do the same.

 

While I am sorry your efforts seem to have fallen on deaf ears, so to speak, they are not for naught. Keep working on yourself to be the best dad and man you can be. Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!

[JuneL]

Good job for going for it! See, "he was stunned"!! At least you managed to wow her!!! But you don't need her to say "she appreciated how hard that must have been," as you are a big man

 

I went in, I went straight for it, there was a lot of resistance and I was calm and held my place, I never flinched, but she wasn’t having it. I wasn’t going to use force but she just doesn’t feel that way about me. She was stunned, that’s for sure. Said she appreciated how hard that must have been but it was actually pretty easy to do. She is stuck in an old paradigm by what she says and just didn’t expect I would have that in me. Her eyes were wide open!

 

 

I don’t regret telling her except that it will make her trip more difficult emotionally. That may have been a bad idea for her peace of mind for all the work she has to do. As for me I feel good for having told her that I wanted her. It may have been the final nail in the coffin though.

 

Again, you shouldn't be thinking about this, at all. You've spent too much time thinking about what she wants

[JuneL]

After more conversations I don’t think his has affected anything and I think she is living in fantasy land. Her current plan is to move into a studio apartment when she gets back and she has this idea in her head that she will have full access to the house and kids...

 

I have explained that this isn’t how it works but she can’t hear anything I say so I am just going to prepare for the return with a legal agreement for separation. When she starts looking for apartments then I will get the lawyer involved.

 

It occurs to me that I have no reason to live here if she leaves me except for the children would get to see their mom. I have very few good job options due to my background and 8-10 year gap in serious employment. I don’t see how we will be able to live in the same town in a few years. This thought made me very despondent today. What a waste! But you can’t force love.

 

I would spend the next couple of months (while she's away) speaking to a couple of lawyers. Like I said before, you're entitled to part of your joint assets. Definitely get a formal legal separation and a visitation schedule. I'm not sure how long you're required to separate before you can file for divorce. Let's say it's a year, you should work on having a real job lined up by then. Hopefully you won't need much child support and alimony when the year is up.

[JuneL]

p.s. You mentioned earlier that she said there’s no point in staying together if either is going to see other people. Does it mean she plans to start dating other men when she moves out upon her return?

[GinON]

p.s. You mentioned earlier that she said there’s no point in staying together if either is going to see other people. Does it mean she plans to start dating other men when she moves out upon her return?

 

No, just that if either was dating other people , there wouldn’t be any point in trying to salvage our marriage.

I don’t know if she says things that sound slightly hopeful to ease her guilt or out of habit of being nice to me or because she really wishes there was some way.

I do plan to have separation papers ready so that when she returns, in the event that she starts looking for an apartment, I can provide her with a dose of reality. Right now she thinks that she can have a studio apartment and not have beds for the kids. I don’t know why that won’t sink in. Several people have addressed this with her.

 

I will have questions if it comes to that. Right now I have to get my head back in gear, having her home a couple weeks in this crappy place in our relationship was stressful.

[JuneL]

No, just that if either was dating other people , there wouldn’t be any point in trying to salvage our marriage.

 

Shouldn't you try to salvage your marriage first, and if it fails, then think about dating other people? It sounds like she's already thinking about dating other men.

 

Why would YOU want to stay in this marriage anyway? Did you not say you have sex once every SIX MONTHS? This doesn't sound much of a marriage anyway, tbh.

[Marc878]

No, just that if either was dating other people , there wouldn’t be any point in trying to salvage our marriage.

I don’t know if she says things that sound slightly hopeful to ease her guilt or out of habit of being nice to me or because she really wishes there was some way.

I do plan to have separation papers ready so that when she returns, in the event that she starts looking for an apartment, I can provide her with a dose of reality. Right now she thinks that she can have a studio apartment and not have beds for the kids. I don’t know why that won’t sink in. Several people have addressed this with her.

 

I will have questions if it comes to that. Right now I have to get my head back in gear, having her home a couple weeks in this crappy place in our relationship was stressful.

 

It sounds like she's manipulating you into waiting for her while she does as she pleases.

[GinON]

p.s. You mentioned earlier that she said there’s no point in staying together if either is going to see other people. Does it mean she plans to start dating other men when she moves out upon her return?

 

I brought up the topic, trying to puncture her unicorn land fantasy balloon that I was going to be her 100% daycare center while she went out and reclaimed her youth. She seems to think I will be here in this house with the kids available whenever she wants to see them.

 

It’s crazy what being around her does to me, The last day or two she was here dented a lot of my progress. It’s helpful she is out of town so I can get back to my own life without having to see her everyday. Living with someone that doesn’t love you anymore is F’ing painful.

 

To all of you here, I appreciate all of your alpha coaching, but I am unapologetically a person that feels my emotions and holy carp this is stuff is difficult.

[JuneL]

I brought up the topic, trying to puncture her unicorn land fantasy balloon that I was going to be her 100% daycare center while she went out and reclaimed her youth. She seems to think I will be here in this house with the kids available whenever she wants to see them.

 

It’s crazy what being around her does to me, The last day or two she was here dented a lot of my progress. It’s helpful she is out of town so I can get back to my own life without having to see her everyday. Living with someone that doesn’t love you anymore is F’ing painful.

 

To all of you here, I appreciate all of your alpha coaching, but I am unapologetically a person that feels my emotions and holy carp this is stuff is difficult.

 

No, it sounds like you finally woke up to reality. Not sure if you guys were forced to have this convo because you went to her room the other night; if yes, that was a great move.

[GinON]

I think that forced a lot of conversations. Its forced her to think about how she deals with this kind of thing for sure.

 

She fits the Anxious Attachment style perfectly, to the point where she has never liked asking for what she wants directly and is now gaslighting me, among other things, about how I never did what she asked me to do regarding getting a job instead of being a SAHD. She might have kindly mentioned it a couple times out of concern for my mental health while saying how great it was for the kids to have a parent with them in the first few years. Now she makes it sound like she was begging me to work full time.

 

I am going to see a therapist today for myself and try to uncook my brain. I just want to burn my house down and start over , I am so mad!

 

One thing I have learned through this is not to act when my mind isnt at ease so at least I am not sending her any emails about this. Glad to have this place to vent my frustrations and foolishness.

[JuneL]

I think that forced a lot of conversations. Its forced her to think about how she deals with this kind of thing for sure.

 

She fits the Anxious Attachment style perfectly, to the point where she has never liked asking for what she wants directly and is now gaslighting me, among other things, about how I never did what she asked me to do regarding getting a job instead of being a SAHD. She might have kindly mentioned it a couple times out of concern for my mental health while saying how great it was for the kids to have a parent with them in the first few years. Now she makes it sound like she was begging me to work full time.

 

I am going to see a therapist today for myself and try to uncook my brain. I just want to burn my house down and start over , I am so mad!

 

One thing I have learned through this is not to act when my mind isnt at ease so at least I am not sending her any emails about this. Glad to have this place to vent my frustrations and foolishness.

 

You know what, I'm liking your posts more: You seem to be able to see things for what they are, finally!

[GinON]

After a couple of weeks of her being out of town, (and more than a month left) with hardly any communication from her, I am starting to wonder how this could ever be salvaged. I am also starting to question if I would be better off to move on. I know I need to just let it play out, since there isn't anything I can do anyway. But check this out:

There was a crazy incident where she is working where she was on a lockdown because of a assault on the building she was in, there was gunfire, and it lasted for hours. She chose to tell our little children (she speaks to them in a different language) but told me via text after the conversation in case I saw it on the news or if the kids sounded scared.

 

WTF? why would you tell a 5 and a 7 year old that and not their dad, your husband this? Why tell them at all?

[PRW]

After a couple of weeks of her being out of town, (and more than a month left) with hardly any communication from her, I am starting to wonder how this could ever be salvaged. I am also starting to question if I would be better off to move on. I know I need to just let it play out, since there isn't anything I can do anyway. But check this out:

There was a crazy incident where she is working where she was on a lockdown because of a assault on the building she was in, there was gunfire, and it lasted for hours. She chose to tell our little children (she speaks to them in a different language) but told me via text after the conversation in case I saw it on the news or if the kids sounded scared.

 

WTF? why would you tell a 5 and a 7 year old that and not their dad, your husband this? Why tell them at all?

You are slipping back into your old ways here. Her being away from you without contact is having the same effect as it does on some teenage guy when he was went 24 hours without a text from her. He thinks all hope is lost and asks if he should move on.

 

She told her kids first because as a mother, the idea that something could happen to her without being able to talk to her children one last time,...is unbearable to her. Her talking to them in whatever language she used is just a sign of intimacy between her and them in a time of great fear for her. You? You're a guy,...and a man can handle it.

 

Now you are showing some serious issues here. Your wife's life is potentially in danger and you are more worried about what it means to you and why she contacted the kids first instead of you. Your first thought in all of it should have been for her safety and if you were ever going to see her alive again. If you read CW's material you KNOW that it is absolutely critical that a woman feel safe and protected by her husband if she is to ever love him. She should feel that, if possible, you would go to where she is, and rip the head of the gunman with your bare hands if you had to in order to protect her.

 

This message from you sounds a whole lot like the first message you originally posted way back at the beginning (message #1) that got this whole process going.

Edited November 20, 2018 by PRW

[bathtub-row]

I disagree that you’re acting like a teenager. The communication between the two of you is completely shot and I tend to agree that trying to salvage things at this point is going to be nearly impossible. A connected couple would’ve discussed it between themselves first and most likely wouldn’t have even seen the need to tell the children (unless they were already aware of it). That aside, the lack of connection is very serious here. While she’s gone, you might want to make plans about how to separate and talk to her about it when she returns. Enough is enough.

[JuneL]

So you guys are spending Thanksgiving and part of the holidays separately?

[GinON]

You are slipping back into your old ways here. Her being away from you without contact is having the same effect as it does on some teenage guy when he was went 24 hours without a text from her. He thinks all hope is lost and asks if he should move on.

...

This message from you sounds a whole lot like the first message you originally posted way back at the beginning (message #1) that got this whole process going.

 

Interesting perspective as usual. Part of her job involves danger so this is normal on some of her trips, telling the kids is not. Part of being a strong husband in this situation is to let her be in charge of her own safety, she is very well trained. I am confident in her ability to take care of herself, the lockdown is confusing, but its part of the protocol. I did ask after her welfare, I just left that out because its so obvious to me that I would have. I do have to keep things vague but I can see how you would not think I was thinking of her welfare form my post. I didn't even think about the ramifications of talking to the kids for a couple of days when a friend pointed it out.

 

 

So you guys are spending Thanksgiving and part of the holidays separately?

 

Wont see her till middle of January.

 

 

I'm way further along with my own self repair than you'd think. I have learned how to separate the anxieties I first met you with from my personality which is certainly not stereotypical male. I am not a macho man, never will be but I am very confident (again and more than ever in my life) with my emotional and analytical/technical sides of my personality.

 

I misunderstood the CW/ Alpha male thing to mean macho, tough guy for while. Maybe it does to some people, but I have always preferred the company of women and never fit in with a pack of dudes, football, guns, hunting, beer, nascar, strip clubs etc, ick, sorry mates. But I can build an iron casting furnace, a car, or a house by hand, work on computers, code, sew, etc. I am a renaissance man and everyone that knows me, knows it.

 

Here is where I got sidetracked:

 

In attempting to rebuild my confidence I somehow connected the anxiety and stress of being a SAHD* to the stigma of "women's work" and my emotionally aware personality together. I started to see being "emotionally aware" and other traits that make make up who I am, as weakness; not masculine, not attractive. The Alpha male coaching, CW, and others, I misinterpreted to mean; I needed to become "one of the guys" because isn't that "masculinity?" I began to 2nd guess the way my mind works altogether so that I would match what sounded like my wife (or women in general) wanted in a way that denied who I am. This was destroying my confidence further and I was probably tearing apart my own personality (listening to all the stigmatization) the whole time I was a SAHD. 6 years...

 

So the reality is, I am a dynamic person that is very in touch with emotions, analytical thinking and some traditional masculinity, and proud of it. Can I be a strong, confident man while being emotional? Absolutely! In fact I dont think CW could be who he is if he didn't understand emotions extremely well. Does it mean that I get emotional, lose control of my feelings and "act like a girl" from time to time? Hell yes it does and lately, when I tell women that I am comfortable being this way, I can see their pupils dilate. Its confidence in who you are that is sexy, not being really good at imitating someone you are not, no matter how awesome Hollywood makes them look, ie James Bond, etc.

 

So maybe I do sometimes read like my first post, all full of emotions and anxiety, but I am OK with that because getting divorced is not a thing I can just blow off and smirk my way through.

 

*Being a stay at home parent is really F'ing hard!

Edited November 20, 2018 by GinON

[PRW]

Interesting perspective as usual. Part of her job involves danger so this is normal on some of her trips, telling the kids is not. Part of being a strong husband in this situation is to let her be in charge of her own safety, she is very well trained. I am confident in her ability to take care of herself, the lockdown is confusing, but its part of the protocol. I did ask after her welfare, I just left that out because its so obvious to me that I would have. I do have to keep things vague but I can see how you would not think I was thinking of her welfare form my post. I didn't even think about the ramifications of talking to the kids for a couple of days when a friend pointed it out.

 

Fair enough.

 

And I always appreciate how you take my sometimes hard hitting comment with stride.

[JuneL]

How are you and your kids spending Thanksgiving and the holidays without their mother?

 

I don’t think stay-at-home dads have to be all miserable. The former HP CEO Carly Fiorina’s husband was a SAHD for a long time (he was an executive at AT&T before quitting his job). They’ve been married for decades; the last I checked, their marriage was still strong.

[GinON]

How are you and your kids spending Thanksgiving and the holidays without their mother?

 

I don’t think stay-at-home dads have to be all miserable. The former HP CEO Carly Fiorina’s husband was a SAHD for a long time (he was an executive at AT&T before quitting his job). They’ve been married for decades; the last I checked, their marriage was still strong.

 

I didnt mean to imply that all SAHP struggle. Just that it is very difficult job, especially if your kid screams (inexplicably) at you 4 hours out of the day and cant sleep without intense manual swinging for 3 years. I slept 3 to 4 hours a day for months at a time, no family in town and we were short a few million in terms of the CEO babysitting budget. Part of the time my wife was on these trips. I had not heard of the Fiorina's and I am not sure they mean anything to me, kind of like I dont matter to a family in a small village in Peru. People in the .05% tax bracket are not living in the same world in terms of access to mental health, babysitters, etc, etc.

 

We are visiting many friends over thanksgiving, we have dinner plans every night Wed through Sunday. My kids have no idea they are missing anything since all our family is out of state anyway. We are also not meat eaters, so...meh to turkey et al. We are planning a late Xmas with my wife, but we are not very religious and our kids need fewer toys, not more! I keep us busy doing fantastic things. This is part of life in families with this kind of job. It is what it is.