Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[GinON]

Well, now you're inferred your wife does something sleazy for a living. So guessing there's problems that run deep.

 

Not at all sleazy just keeping things private.

 

 

Anyway, you were once successful and respected and now you're not, and IMO, you need to stop being a SAHD and get your butt back to work doing whatever it takes.

 

Pretty sure this is gonna happen soon.

 

As it stands, she likely knows she will have to grant you the decision making authority on the children since you've been the primary one who's taken care of them. Which also means she'll have to pay you a boatload of support and custody. Which is probably why she hasn't left yet. Of course, you an request the Court MAKE her do 50% custody and then she doesn't have to pay as much support to you but you have time to have a life. You need to get a job and get daycare for the kids and get your life back.

Because of the travel requirements of her job, I will have custody.

 

She has this notion that she can live nearby and just come over to be with them any time. Or just make it temporary. I don't think she fully realizes that once she moves out that our relationship will change, she wont be able to go and come any time. That seems like a crap idea. She gets freedom (no kids) at her apartment, can date, be a "playboy" while I get kids and a house to manage, and no way to move on in the romance department, who wants to date a guy living in his ex wife's house full of her stuff (there is a ton of stuff) and our kids? That pisses me off thinking about that but I haven't put a lot of thought into how that works.

And if your wife has a career that requires her to be young and beautiful, remember she's only got another 10 good years before she'll be the unemployed one unable to find a job.

 

Her job requires very specific training and there are very few men that achieve her level of success and far fewer women. She is a total badass, that I can say.

Edited August 24, 2018 by GinON

[GinON]

Since you described your wife as having “a good job”, I didn’t see things from that perspective. Just curious: Has your personality change been related to her job’s description?

 

Not really sure, there are so many things that messed with my head over the last 12 years.

 

For argument sake, where are you going with that?

[GinON]

I will say that talking to you all has helped my perspective. It helped reinforced what I knew, and help me keep my head straight while she is home. I was able to relax a bit more around her tonight and not react which is how our relationship has been for years.

I should have come here years ago and gotten some advice!

 

Thanks!

[basil67]

A couple is arguing. She says, "This [situation] is just like what you did back 2 years ago when you did [whatever you did]. The guy gets more mad and says, "I though we put that behind us! Why do you keep bringing up the past!". Then more yelling ensues.

 

What is happening is that the woman is NOT bringing up the past. She is trying to communicate or describe a feeling/emotion. She is saying that the way the event 2 years ago made her feel is the way that you are making her feel now. The feeling is the focus, not the event. The event is just an "example" to explain the feeling. When the guy understands this he can have more compassion for her and a lot less anger.

 

I've never heard this description of what's happening before. It makes a lot of sense.

[JuneL]

Not really sure, there are so many things that messed with my head over the last 12 years.

 

For argument sake, where are you going with that?

 

Sorry my question was in response to the "sleazy" comment, which you explained more already.

 

I think you don't want to be over accommodating to your wife. If her requests are unreasonable, you don't have to give in to her demands. If you don't like to watch Fifty Shades, you can tell her that it's a chick flick for older women and that you're not interested. At this point, you should focus on planning the future for you and your kids, and act as if the divorce is inevitable. Paradoxically, once you stop giving a f^ck about how your wife thinks about you, she might be more attracted to you.

[preraph]

 

Because of the travel requirements of her job, I will have custody.

 

She has this notion that she can live nearby and just come over to be with them any time. Or just make it temporary. I don't think she fully realizes that once she moves out that our relationship will change, she wont be able to go and come any time. That seems like a crap idea. She gets freedom (no kids) at her apartment, can date, be a "playboy" while I get kids and a house to manage, and no way to move on in the romance department, who wants to date a guy living in his ex wife's house full of her stuff (there is a ton of stuff) and our kids? That pisses me off thinking about that but I haven't put a lot of thought into how that works.

 

 

Her job requires very specific training and there are very few men that achieve her level of success and far fewer women. She is a total badass, that I can say.

 

I'm telling you the exact same thing I would tell countless women in your position. And remember, it's a lot more common the men are traveling and never home and expect to come and go as they please and have you do all the heavy lifting with the kids and generally still control your life through the kids unless you insist they do their part.

 

So once you're divorced, her traveling is not your problem. If you are ever going to get your career back and get your life back and have any freedom, you have to insist she gets the kids 50 percent of the time. Divorced people nearly all share custody 50/50 these days. There is no reason why one person (in this case, you) should have to compromise your career to she can not compromise her own. She will have to work it out what she does with the kids while she is working, a nanny or whatever. You need to insist she does 50/50 or otherwise, all you're doing is enabling her to have her life just like how she wants it while you make all the compromises. Don't do it! There's not a judge on the bench who won't think it's fair she takes the kids three and a half days a week or every other week or however you want to do it -- AND as long as you guys are sharing custody, neither of you can move away from where you live now. I hope you've thought of that. Even if you weren't doing 50/50, you'd be stuck where you are and she can't move off somewhere.

 

Kids need both parents. I am someone who chose career. The time to do that is before you have kids, especially if you're a woman.

 

I want you to know, I admire a SAHD if that's working out for him. My neighbor's wife is a doctor and so he happily left his waiter job to stay home with the kids and was great at it, but she isn't traveling and is home every night now. Whatever works. But don't just sacrifice your own life when those kids are her obligation and need her. And the older they get, the more they'll need her. Let her figure it out.

[Marc878]

Check her phone bill. Id bet you'll find her boyfriends number there.

[JuneL]

Great post!

 

Another thing is that once your new life is in order, you'll be dating again. No woman is going to tolerate a bf who lets his ex dump the kids on him whenever she pleases.

 

I'm telling you the exact same thing I would tell countless women in your position. And remember, it's a lot more common the men are traveling and never home and expect to come and go as they please and have you do all the heavy lifting with the kids and generally still control your life through the kids unless you insist they do their part.

 

So once you're divorced, her traveling is not your problem. If you are ever going to get your career back and get your life back and have any freedom, you have to insist she gets the kids 50 percent of the time. Divorced people nearly all share custody 50/50 these days. There is no reason why one person (in this case, you) should have to compromise your career to she can not compromise her own. She will have to work it out what she does with the kids while she is working, a nanny or whatever. You need to insist she does 50/50 or otherwise, all you're doing is enabling her to have her life just like how she wants it while you make all the compromises. Don't do it! There's not a judge on the bench who won't think it's fair she takes the kids three and a half days a week or every other week or however you want to do it -- AND as long as you guys are sharing custody, neither of you can move away from where you live now. I hope you've thought of that. Even if you weren't doing 50/50, you'd be stuck where you are and she can't move off somewhere.

 

Kids need both parents. I am someone who chose career. The time to do that is before you have kids, especially if you're a woman.

 

I want you to know, I admire a SAHD if that's working out for him. My neighbor's wife is a doctor and so he happily left his waiter job to stay home with the kids and was great at it, but she isn't traveling and is home every night now. Whatever works. But don't just sacrifice your own life when those kids are her obligation and need her. And the older they get, the more they'll need her. Let her figure it out.

[SevenCity]

Same thing I thought when I read it. I was life changing for me.

 

Same for me. I knew all of it before but didn’t realize how important it was until I read Corey’s book.

 

My issue was not turning beta, but not making my ex feel appreciated/taking her for granted/not getting to the bottom of issues.

 

OP - You will be hard pressed to find a woman who is ok with you being a stay home dad. Some may say it’s ok, but what women say they want and what they respond to are (very) often different

 

You are too dependent on her and need to break that. Emotionally and financially. So much so it may be too late.

 

Regardless, you need to get your old self back for you and your future relationships.

 

The good news is you will likely clean up in a divorce which is why she may not have mentioned it yet. Speak to a lawyer.

[Cornelius72]

The only way you will all move on, kids included, is to end the relationship, move out so you are separate, find someone who will appreciate you for you. There’ll be many out there looking for a considerate man, if she feels separated, fine, start dating. I think this separating within the same house is a prelude to her doing to her same thing, or at least bringing someone she may already be seeing back to the home.

 

Get out or the relationship, find someone good. Take the kids with you.

[preraph]

Great post!

 

Another thing is that once your new life is in order, you'll be dating again. No woman is going to tolerate a bf who lets his ex dump the kids on him whenever she pleases.

 

100 percent. Who would put up with that?

[GinON]

I don't think your wife took your mojo away, seems like you surrendered it. The upside is that it's also under your control should you decide to reclaim it.

 

50 Shades aside, I doubt your wife wants a dominant spouse in the marriage. What she does want is an empowered and masculine partner, in and out of the bedroom, with an equal stake in the outcome...

You are correct, empowered and masculine! She is basically begging me to sort that out.

 

I am working on it but PRW was right, I am a mess, its hard recovering from a decade after surrendering your masculinity. I will be a better man than I ever was when this is done, no matter the outcome.

[vla1120]

GinON, I don't know the specifics of your relationship, how it was decided you would be a SAHD (which is neither here nor there - your position is no less valuable to the relationship than if the roles were reversed and you were a SAHM with a husband who was the main breadwinner), and maybe that part does not even matter. I just want to point out that it does not minimize the very important role you play in the family.

 

I would definitely recommend couples therapy. If she refuses therapy, then go on your own. I don't know many people who do not have personal issues that they deal with, so do not be embarrassed about talking to a professional about your issues. Besides, it sounds like your self-esteem could use a boost and maybe the best way to accomplish that is for you to get to the bottom of the reason your self-esteem has taken a hit over the years.

 

I hope it is not because you are a SAHD and feel diminished because you are not the main breadwinner. I give ANYONE, man or woman, great kudos for staying home with the kids, at least until they are in school. I wish I could have done it myself. My first husband had a few opportunities to stay home with the kids when they were younger and I was envious. But, being the main breadwinner meant I worked, he stayed at home. I never, ever looked down on him or held it over his head. In many ways, his role was even more critical than mine because he was home raising my children on his own. SO, long story short - do NOT hold that against yourself in any way.

 

Now, one thing I have raised my girls believing is that they MUST have the ability to be the main breadwinner and make enough money to support themselves AND their children on their own because we never know what life will bring. In the event that your wife calls it quits, do you have the means to go out and work to support you and your children on your own?

 

Like others have said, keep doing your part of the SAHD chores. In fact, take initiative and show your wife how strong and independent you can be by doing those home improvements (and other things) without prompting from her. Best of luck. I hope you pull yourself up by the bootstraps, start taking care of yourself and work on that self-esteem. There is nothing sexier than a man who knows who he is, what he's about, and has a boatload of confidence in himself. If you care enough about yourself, she may just follow your lead.

 

UPDATE: Damnit!! I did it again! I didn't read to the bottom of all the posts to see that the situation is evolving from your original post. I'll read all the updates and then post again, I suspect. I swear I am not dumb (overworked and exhausted, maybe, but not dumb!)

 

SECOND UPDATE: I read everything and pretty much still would have written the same. No man who does the very important job of staying home with the children should feel diminished because of it. When my husband stayed home, I was SO appreciative that I knew my kids were in the best care. NOW - I have learned that you already had a career, you already have mad skills, and so your self-esteem should start to grow exponentially. Hell, you should have a great sense of self-worth just for the fact that you built your wife a HOUSE! I don't know many men who can claim that feat.

 

Just keep working on you. Maybe if she starts to see some of that pride you used to have, she'll change her tune (if that is what you want), but don't do it for her. Do it for YOU! Best of luck. From what I have read, it seems like you will have women knocking down your door to be with you if your wife doesn't stay with you.

Edited August 26, 2018 by vla1120

[GinON]

...

SECOND UPDATE: I read everything and pretty much still would have written the same. No man who does the very important job of staying home with the children should feel diminished because of it. When my husband stayed home, I was SO appreciative that I knew my kids were in the best care. NOW - I have learned that you already had a career, you already have mad skills, and so your self-esteem should start to grow exponentially. Hell, you should have a great sense of self-worth just for the fact that you built your wife a HOUSE! I don't know many men who can claim that feat.

 

Just keep working on you. Maybe if she starts to see some of that pride you used to have, she'll change her tune (if that is what you want), but don't do it for her. Do it for YOU! Best of luck. From what I have read, it seems like you will have women knocking down your door to be with you if your wife doesn't stay with you.

Thanks for putting so much work into my relationship!

I am having some tiny success remembering not to get needy and chasing her around. Keeping centered and sharing what I want and dont want confidently is making me feel better. There is so much to feel guilty about but I am past wallowing in that and ready to move on either way.

We are going to counseling in the next couple of weeks so hopefully that goes somewhere. I have been going since she told me whats up.

 

I never did say this here, but the reason I came "TO" in all this is that I figured out my self esteem issues were hurting her and has hurt many people before without me knowing it. What a horrible realization that I have let young women down because I was just afraid, not because I didn't like them. Once I learned that I went straight to counseling!

 

Thanks again everyone!

[preraph]

Good luck with counseling. Make her understand you need your life back.

[JuneL]

You seem like a genuinely good guy. Instead of getting defensive like other posters in your sutuation, you’re very receptive to feedback. However, please don’t take ALL the blame of your marriage problems. As much as I think you’d be much happier going back to work, taking care of your kids before they reach school age and building a house from scratch are both incredible endeavors. Your wife seems to have taken you for granted: If she wants someone like Chritian Grey, then she should have hired a nanny, a housekeeper and a personal shopper first.

[PRW]

Originally Posted by PRW

A couple is arguing. She says, "This [situation] is just like what you did back 2 years ago when you did [whatever you did]. The guy gets more mad and says, "I though we put that behind us! Why do you keep bringing up the past!". Then more yelling ensues.

I've never heard this description of what's happening before. It makes a lot of sense.

I've spent a few years seriously studying this stuff and I have the view that women, and a lot of the surrounding dating & relationship stuff, really isn't that hard to understand once you invest the effort and get a grasp of it.

 

But I get in a huge number of arguments with people on here because people just aren't willing to consider anything other than what they already have running around in their heads. Modern society has done a great job of screwing up everyone's heads.

[GinON]

Wow, as I am coming out of my cloud, I can now see my wife has been drinking way too much regularly. A good friend is aware now and we are watching her together. I am now less worried about me and the relationship and very worried my wife is going to destroy herself with substance abuse.

I also caught her crying while listening to a song about infidelity and chugging a gin and tonic.

Panic is setting the in for her health.

Edit:

Well the crying was not infidelity related thank goodness.

Edited August 28, 2018 by GinON

[PRW]

Wow, as I am coming out of my cloud, I can now see my wife has been drinking way too much regularly. A good friend is aware now and we are watching her together. I am now less worried about me and the relationship and very worried my wife is going to destroy herself with substance abuse.

I also caught her crying while listening to a song about infidelity and chugging a gin and tonic.

Panic is setting the in for her health.

Edit:

Well the crying was not infidelity related thank goodness.

 

 

But the drinking may be coming from the things we've already been talking about. Remember how they communicate emotionally, remember the Shades of Grey illustration, it doesn't matter if the song was about infidelity (that's how a guy would think), what matters is that is about a marriage and a life that is falling apart and that is the part that she relates to. The crying and the drinking are stress from fear of losing the life you have built together. What she needs is for you to be strong and to make her feel safe, confident, and hopeful that not all it lost. She is not supposed to be, or ever meant to be the leader, carrying all the burden. I really want to see this work, it would be great if for once in human history a marriage is actually saved. Keep your focus and don't get distracted.

[PRW]

Working on your "rehab" that we have been talking about should not be a secret to her. It needs to involve her and she needs to understand the effort you are putting into it. She needs a little confidence that not all is lost.

[PRW]

You seem like a genuinely good guy. Instead of getting defensive like other posters in your sutuation, you’re very receptive to feedback. However, please don’t take ALL the blame of your marriage problems. As much as I think you’d be much happier going back to work, taking care of your kids before they reach school age and building a house from scratch are both incredible endeavors. Your wife seems to have taken you for granted: If she wants someone like Chritian Grey, then she should have hired a nanny, a housekeeper and a personal shopper first.

 

 

I agree with the first half. But she is not taking anything for granted. She's been crushed and feels hopeless over how things have become. Both people here need some encouragement, but she didn't post here. It would be nice for once in this miserable life that a marriage actually gets saved. Far too often in these forums the suggested answer is to Dump them! Break up! Get a divorce! You can't trust them! They are evil! Run! It is more like a war on relationships rather than help or advice on relationships. I already explained the Shades of Grey thing days ago,...let's not reverse any progress that has been made,...and let's not "bash" the wife and forget how she has been effected by all this.

[GinON]

Working on your "rehab" that we have been talking about should not be a secret to her. It needs to involve her and she needs to understand the effort you are putting into it. She needs a little confidence that not all is lost.

 

Thanks, PRW.

 

I am not keeping anything secret, but I could use advice on how it looks to share my rehab. I dont want to overwhelm her with stuff and start looking for her approval as a motivator. I spent 1/2 my life (40 yrs) looking for others' approval and I am pretty sure that's how we got here in the first place.

 

She harbors some pretty serious anger, it came out in a alcohol induced rage the other night. It helped me know where I stand I guess, but I am happy to say I was barely affected by it inside. Hopefully it helped her release some of the tension.

 

Some good news is we have a MC session scheduled next week.

[JuneL]

I agree with the first half. But she is not taking anything for granted. She's been crushed and feels hopeless over how things have become. Both people here need some encouragement, but she didn't post here. It would be nice for once in this miserable life that a marriage actually gets saved. Far too often in these forums the suggested answer is to Dump them! Break up! Get a divorce! You can't trust them! They are evil! Run! It is more like a war on relationships rather than help or advice on relationships. I already explained the Shades of Grey thing days ago,...let's not reverse any progress that has been made,...and let's not "bash" the wife and forget how she has been effected by all this.

 

I was merely pointing out that both should take the responsibility for their marriage issues and that the wife simply can’t have it both ways. Paradoxically, to be more manly and alpha, you have to be confident to point out her BS instead of being overly accommodating.

[PRW]

Thanks, PRW.

I am not keeping anything secret, but I could use advice on how it looks to share my rehab. I dont want to overwhelm her with stuff and start looking for her approval as a motivator. I spent 1/2 my life (40 yrs) looking for others' approval and I am pretty sure that's how we got here in the first place.

 

Well you don't want it to be a "crying on her shoulder",..."I'm sooo sorry",....dopey hollywood movie kind of thing. You want it to be more of a "Don't worry,...I've got this,...may take me a little while,..but I've got this", kind of attitude. One of Corey Wayne's common phrases is "How would James Bond handle this?" Yea, he is just a fictional character, but I think you can figure out the point.

 

She harbors some pretty serious anger, it came out in a alcohol induced rage the other night. It helped me know where I stand I guess, but I am happy to say I was barely affected by it inside. Hopefully it helped her release some of the tension.

She needs to know she can "let it out" on you and you won't crumple into a sobbing mass, or lash out at her either.

 

Some good news is we have a MC session scheduled next week.

When the counselor is talking with both of you together be confident and positive. Don't be throwing blame around, not even at yourself. Keep it positive with a "moving forward" attitude. That will be for her eyes/ears as well as for the counselor. Be prepared for your wife to say something that surprises you, it could be anything, but be solid, be grounded, and roll with it. If she didn't want to make it work she wouldn't be there. I wouldn't bring up Corey Wayne directly during that. Just "use" what you've learned rather than "talk about" what you've learned, it is two different things.

 

When you are alone with the counselor I'm not sure. MCs may see Corey Wayne as an unqualified competitor that doesn't have a PHD. Some MCs love Corey Wayne's work,...but some MCs, if they have been heavily influenced by feminism, or may be a woman themselves,...then they may hate Corey Wayne. You need to gauge them pretty good first to see where they are at before revealing too much.

[JuneL]

I was merely pointing out that both should take the responsibility for their marriage issues and that the wife simply can’t have it both ways. Paradoxically, to be more manly and alpha, you have to be confident to point out her BS instead of being overly accommodating.

 

OP: What are the things you want your wife to fo better? Does she boss you around?