Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[PRW]

I was merely pointing out that both should take the responsibility for their marriage issues and that the wife simply can’t have it both ways. Paradoxically, to be more manly and alpha, you have to be confident to point out her BS instead of being overly accommodating.

I understand. But I think in this case, her issues are caused by his issues and so cutting her some slack and him fixing his issues will make her issues go away. Mutual "blame slinging" isn't going to solve anything.

 

 

Check out this YouTube video, it is a nearly identical situation told in a message written by the wife from her viewpoint.

Edited August 28, 2018 by PRW

[JuneL]

I understand. But I think in this case, her issues are caused by his issues and so cutting her some slack and him fixing his issues will make her issues go away. Mutual "blame slinging" isn't going to solve anything.

 

 

Check out this YouTube video, it is a nearly identical situation told in a message written by the wife from her viewpoint.

 

Not interested in CW’s stuff. Sorry!

 

OP: If you want to understand how men and women think differently in general, there’s a pair of books (“The Male Brain” and “The Female Brain”) by Brizendine. Actually this male vs female difference thing is nothing new. I think people heard of the Venus vs Mar thing tens of yeara ago.

[GinON]

:-) THanks for the feedback all!

OP: What are the things you want your wife to fo better? Does she boss you around?

I am not sure I can answer this yet. I have honestly had my head buried for so long, ignoring myself, her and our relationship. I was just coasting. If she ever asked for anything or had any normal criticism I would just go for an immediate end to the conversation by prostrating myself then ignore her actual needs, I just wanted the criticism to end. I wasn't doing that on purpose but just couldn't take any more shame. I pushed my confidence level down so far I was basically paralyzed. I have to get to where I trust myself, know what I want before I know what I want from her. Sounds terrible but I think its pretty accurate.

 

Basically I fed her fear of abandonment by not providing for her needs and she fed my fear of shame by being angry at me. Rinse, Repeat, Spiral, Spiral....

 

Well you don't want it to be a "crying on her shoulder",..."I'm sooo sorry",....dopey hollywood movie kind of thing. You want it to be more of a "Don't worry,...I've got this,...may take me a little while,..but I've got this", kind of attitude. One of Corey Wayne's common phrases is "How would James Bond handle this?" Yea, he is just a fictional character, but I think you can figure out the point.

That makes sense.

She needs to know she can "let it out" on you and you won't crumple into a sobbing mass, or lash out at her either.

 

When the counselor is talking with both of you together be confident and positive. Don't be throwing blame around, not even at yourself. Keep it positive with a "moving forward" attitude. That will be for her eyes/ears as well as for the counselor. Be prepared for your wife to say something that surprises you, it could be anything, but be solid, be grounded, and roll with it. If she didn't want to make it work she wouldn't be there. I wouldn't bring up Corey Wayne directly during that. Just "use" what you've learned rather than "talk about" what you've learned, it is two different things.

 

When you are alone with the counselor I'm not sure. MCs may see Corey Wayne as an unqualified competitor that doesn't have a PHD. Some MCs love Corey Wayne's work,...but some MCs, if they have been heavily influenced by feminism, or may be a woman themselves,...then they may hate Corey Wayne. You need to gauge them pretty good first to see where they are at before revealing too much.

 

I wasn't planning on discussing his book with anyone.

 

Funny thing is I knew a bunch of that stuff from my dad, in terms of attracting women. You can do a lot of what he is talking about from a place of fear as well, (seeming disinterested, pushing them away, 1 step back etc.) It falls apart after a while if you aren't a confident masculine person on the inside though.

[JuneL]

Okay, at least we see she just gets angry at you like how she yells at her subordinates for not doing things her way, instead of discussing things calmly with you.

 

Btw, couldn’t agree more with your last sentence!

 

:-) THanks for the feedback all!

 

I am not sure I can answer this yet. I have honestly had my head buried for so long, ignoring myself, her and our relationship. I was just coasting. If she ever asked for anything or had any normal criticism I would just go for an immediate end to the conversation by prostrating myself then ignore her actual needs, I just wanted the criticism to end. I wasn't doing that on purpose but just couldn't take any more shame. I pushed my confidence level down so far I was basically paralyzed. I have to get to where I trust myself, know what I want before I know what I want from her. Sounds terrible but I think its pretty accurate.

 

Basically I fed her fear of abandonment by not providing for her needs and she fed my fear of shame by being angry at me. Rinse, Repeat, Spiral, Spiral....

 

 

That makes sense.

 

 

I wasn't planning on discussing his book with anyone.

 

Funny thing is I knew a bunch of that stuff from my dad, in terms of attracting women. You can do a lot of what he is talking about from a place of fear as well, (seeming disinterested, pushing them away, 1 step back etc.) It falls apart after a while if you aren't a confident masculine person on the inside though.

[GinON]

Okay, at least we see she just gets angry at you like how she yells at her subordinates for not doing things her way, instead of discussing things calmly with you.

 

Btw, couldn’t agree more with your last sentence!

She has never yelled at me before, she was drunk. We are very calm 99.9% of the time.

[GinON]

I understand. But I think in this case, her issues are caused by his issues and so cutting her some slack and him fixing his issues will make her issues go away. Mutual "blame slinging" isn't going to solve anything.

 

 

Check out this YouTube video, it is a nearly identical situation told in a message written by the wife from her viewpoint.

 

Oof, that is a haunting video. So close to home.

[PRW]

Oof, that is a haunting video. So close to home.

Yea, I thought of it the instant I read your original message. The first time I saw the video it really made me mad,...mad at how the "beta" behavor, and the feminized societal conditioning of the guy, so totally destroyed a family, caused the kids to lose their family life, which now may repeat itself in them when they grow up. The guy in the story probably to this day has no idea what happened and how he was the catalyst, I'm sure he sees himself as the victim instead and completely blames the wife.

[preraph]

Hang in there. It's good you are getting some understanding on where each other's actions are coming from. Understanding is a start.

[BluesPower]

C'mon why would you think he's a 'super beta' just because he's a SAHD? Whoever earns less in the couple is the one who makes sense to take time off regardless of gender, just by pure math. Whether he's alpha or beta sexually has nothing to do with their decision how to raise their kids.

 

Most women are not very enlightened, regardless of what they say.

 

Men put themselves at risk when they are SAHD, more than woman and they have their share of risk as well.

 

Most women will eventually look down on their husband because he does not work.

 

I don't think anyone has said it yet, so I guess I have to...

 

Dude, she is having an affair, all most 99%.

 

She sees you as weak and BETA and she is board with you.

 

You need to get a job now, check the phone records, and see a lawyer or you are going to get left in the dust.

 

And ladies, please spare us all about how sexist my post is.

 

This is what is going on, it almost always happens in this type of situation and I recommend that no man allow this to ever happen to him... Frankly, or any woman.

[JuneL]

OP: Would you be comfortable asking her about the possibility of an affair in your marriage counseling?

[JuneL]

Well the crying was not infidelity related thank goodness.

 

How can you be so sure?

[GinON]

How can you be so sure?

 

I can never be 100% sure of anything, but if I am wrong, and she is lying to my face about it, then so be it, I will cross that road if we get there, I am not angry with her, which some of you seem to think I should be. If that’s what she needed to do it’s time to let go anyway, I am not into “pluralism”.

 

Some of you will think I am stupid or whatever but we are both very loyal.

 

I haven’t asked but she tells at how often she has the opportunity and doesn’t. She tells me about the intense romantic overtures that men will make for her. (They are a bit silly, there is no actual risk of her saying yes, because he’s a bus driver in Turkey or whatever, but she loves it, or at least watching me squirm) Ha!

 

 

On another note, her relatives are coming for the weekend and she wants to keep it a secret. She says that in case we are seeing progress 6 months later.

At least she sees some chance of positive outcome.

[BluesPower]

I can never be 100% sure of anything, but if I am wrong, and she is lying to my face about it, then so be it, I will cross that road if we get there, I am not angry with her, which some of you seem to think I should be. If that’s what she needed to do it’s time to let go anyway, I am not into “pluralism”.

 

Some of you will think I am stupid or whatever but we are both very loyal.

 

I haven’t asked but she tells at how often she has the opportunity and doesn’t. She tells me about the intense romantic overtures that men will make for her. (They are a bit silly, there is no actual risk of her saying yes, because he’s a bus driver in Turkey or whatever, but she loves it, or at least watching me squirm) Ha!

 

 

On another note, her relatives are coming for the weekend and she wants to keep it a secret. She says that in case we are seeing progress 6 months later.

At least she sees some chance of positive outcome.

 

I am not sure how to say this... and not sound totally rude...

 

Listen, you are completely delusional about all of this. Further, you sound way to passive or weak to actually find out if she is actually having an affair.

 

I guess you are so passive, that you just really don't care.

 

You need to get a job, it will probably be just a few more months until she leaves you in the dirt.

 

Sorry, but unless you wake up in more ways than one, this is really going to end badly for you...

[JuneL]

You continue to be so overly accommodating to her. Isn’t it exactly the trait that’s turning her off? She wants to keep your separation a secret? Sorry, she can’t have it both ways.

 

And what kind of woman would brag about being hit on to her husband? Personally, I’d have told her “Sorry not interested in hearing your sexual adventures.”

[PRW]

Folks! Why keep picking and picking and picking at it? The horse is dead. It is like everyone is obsessed with breaking them up because you don't think you like whatever behavor you think you interpret from the one that hasn't even posted here because of a few words of a description. Let someone actually try to put their lives back together for once, for crying out loud. They are adults, not high school kids fighting over a crush. They are mature enough to figure it out. He has been given plenty of information to make a difference and to fix the root cause so quit obsessing of the symptoms.

[JuneL]

Everyone in this thread is giving opinions based on his/her personal experience and knowledge and out of good intention. I’m giving mine as a woman who has only been artracted to very alpha men and who has a best friend who likes beta guys (and is married to one). Everyone here is entitled to her/his advice; yours is no more or no less valid. The OP is an adult, and he can judge whatever feedback is suitable for his own situation.

 

Folks! Why keep picking and picking and picking at it? The horse is dead. It is like everyone is obsessed with breaking them up because you don't think you like whatever behavor you think you interpret from the one that hasn't even posted here because of a few words of a description. Let someone actually try to put their lives back together for once, for crying out loud. They are adults, not high school kids fighting over a crush. They are mature enough to figure it out. He has been given plenty of information to make a difference and to fix the root cause so quit obsessing of the symptoms.

[bathtub-row]

I hope you guys can work things out. My guess is, she’d prefer to keep her marriage intact but doesn’t know how to fix it. If you do end up divorcing, I’m going to disagree with the previous post about 50/50 custody. That’s a nightmare for kids. They need a place that they’re at most of the time, a place they call home. 50/50 benefits the parents, not the kids.

 

Another thing is that I’m fairly against the SAHD thing. Personally, I would lose respect for a man that did this and I think most women would feel this way. Not all but most. Aside from that, you’re destroying your career and it will have lasting effects if you don’t get back into the workforce soon.

[PRW]

I hope you guys can work things out. My guess is, she’d prefer to keep her marriage intact but doesn’t know how to fix it. If you do end up divorcing, I’m going to disagree with the previous post about 50/50 custody. That’s a nightmare for kids. They need a place that they’re at most of the time, a place they call home. 50/50 benefits the parents, not the kids.

 

Another thing is that I’m fairly against the SAHD thing. Personally, I would lose respect for a man that did this and I think most women would feel this way. Not all but most. Aside from that, you’re destroying your career and it will have lasting effects if you don’t get back into the workforce soon.

Thank you!

[JuneL]

I hope you guys can work things out. My guess is, she’d prefer to keep her marriage intact but doesn’t know how to fix it. If you do end up divorcing, I’m going to disagree with the previous post about 50/50 custody. That’s a nightmare for kids. They need a place that they’re at most of the time, a place they call home. 50/50 benefits the parents, not the kids.

 

Another thing is that I’m fairly against the SAHD thing. Personally, I would lose respect for a man that did this and I think most women would feel this way. Not all but most. Aside from that, you’re destroying your career and it will have lasting effects if you don’t get back into the workforce soon.

 

My prediction is that she’s on the fence because she doesn’t want to be the one to break up her family. She’ll also have much to lose in terms of $$ and time with the kids. Personally, I don’t believe she has a long-term physical affair, but it’s not impossible she has had an emotional affair or ONS.

 

I thought most would agree that having 50-50 custody is good for the kids, as both can be involved parents. They can let the kids stay in their current house all the time, and take turn living there with the kids so that the kids don’t have to move around.

 

Personally I wouldn’t want my man to be a stay-at-home dad (and wouldn’t want to be a stay-at-home wife myself, either). They should never have agreed on this arrangement to begin with. Realistically, if the OP wants to go back to work, he can’t have full custody anyway.

[bathtub-row]

My prediction is that she’s on the fence because she doesn’t want to be the one to break up her family. She’ll also have much to lose in terms of $$ and time with the kids. Personally, I don’t believe she has a long-term physical affair, but it’s not impossible she has had an emotional affair or ONS.

 

I thought most would agree that having 50-50 custody is good for the kids, as both can be involved parents. They can let the kids stay in their current house all the time, and take turn living there with the kids so that the kids don’t have to move around.

 

Personally I wouldn’t want my man to be a stay-at-home dad (and wouldn’t want to be a stay-at-home wife myself, either). They should never have agreed on this arrangement to begin with. Realistically, if the OP wants to go back to work, he can’t have full custody anyway.

 

I didn’t know that was what you meant by 50/50. Well, I would also have to disagree with that, too. It’s too disruptive and unrealistic for adults, and too accommodating to the kids. I did the thing where I had my son most of the time but on the weekends that his dad had him (every-other-weekend), he got him after school on Thursday until Monday morning. We were pretty flexible with other things like if someone had a family birthday thing or dinner. When my son got into adulthood, he told me he got tired of all the back and forth stuff. And that wasn’t even close to 50/50. Parents have to strike a balance as much as possible. One great thing my ex and I did was we lived in the same school district the entire time our son was in school. That way, our son could take the bus to and from either house. Just about every year, his teachers told us that they had no idea he was from a divorced family. It was a great compliment to hear that so consistently.

 

Most women do not want to divorce, especially when kids are involved. I think OP’s wife just wants to have a reason to respect and reconnect with her husband. It can be done.

[PRW]

I think OP’s wife just wants to have a reason to respect and reconnect with her husband. It can be done.

Yes, I agree!

[GinON]

Yes, I agree!

 

I think that’s where we are too, otherwise it’s over and she’d be serving papers by now. Why drag it out if you are certain you are done, we both need some help, she is willing to try, I am not going to give up on myself or us because it’s hard or hurts or because she did this or that.

 

I am never going to accuse her of anything or show distrust, that’s a sign of insecurity which I have no need for.

 

. If I have been anxious beta in relationships my whole life, and start blaming her for our problems related to that or how she deals with them, that doesn’t make me an alpha, just an *******. I will get my mojo back and she will love me or not, I am not in control of her, and who wants that anyway?

 

I know I have a lot of work to but she has to decide for herself if I am worth it to her or not, beating her up for hurting me won’t help me or her with any outcome.

 

I am fine with all your points of view, they allow me to hear stuff I didn’t expect and consider how they relate to me. It clarifies my position.

 

 

I gotta go back to work either way, that’s already in motion.

 

I talked to a buddy last night that is about 3 years from being where I am. He was shocked to hear what my situation is and I’d a bit of a pussy himself. I may have shook him up enough to do something now, but ya never know.

[PRW]

I think that’s where we are too, otherwise it’s over and she’d be serving papers by now. Why drag it out if you are certain you are done, we both need some help, she is willing to try, I am not going to give up on myself or us because it’s hard or hurts or because she did this or that.

 

I am never going to accuse her of anything or show distrust, that’s a sign of insecurity which I have no need for.

 

. If I have been anxious beta in relationships my whole life, and start blaming her for our problems related to that or how she deals with them, that doesn’t make me an alpha, just an *******. I will get my mojo back and she will love me or not, I am not in control of her, and who wants that anyway?

 

I know I have a lot of work to but she has to decide for herself if I am worth it to her or not, beating her up for hurting me won’t help me or her with any outcome.

 

I am fine with all your points of view, they allow me to hear stuff I didn’t expect and consider how they relate to me. It clarifies my position.

 

I gotta go back to work either way, that’s already in motion.

 

I talked to a buddy last night that is about 3 years from being where I am. He was shocked to hear what my situation is and I’d a bit of a pussy himself. I may have shook him up enough to do something now, but ya never know.

 

Very well stated. It is amazing when the truth hits you how you soon turn to others heading for the same cliff and try to warn them too. I was the insecure "beta" several years back and it took me 3-4 years to get my act together because I had no outside help or advice/encouragement from anyone (apart from the book I recommended), luckily I was single with no kids, so less to risk. That is why I tried so hard to push you in the right direction.

 

Keep chugging along!

[bathtub-row]

When I left my husband, our son was 3. The separation process involved about a year of off-and-on counseling, talking, etc. Later into all of that, I fell deeply in love with another man. Nothing happened between us but I was so crazy about him. But I did not leave my marriage in hopes of being with the other guy, or because of how I felt about him. After my husband and I separated, I started dating someone else. One day, I dropped my son off at his dad’s and they stood in the front yard waving goodbye to me. Right then, had my husband been a better person, I would’ve gone back to him in a heartbeat.

 

I think a lot of women think this way. I think they know that falling in love or having feelings for someone else isn’t a good reason to end a marriage. I would’ve never left my husband had he listened to the things I said to him. OP, listen - really listen - to what your wife says to you, verbally and non-verbally. Most women want to admire the man they’re with, want to know that he’ll take charge, take care of his family, and that she’s the jewel in his life. All that while being an emotionally strong and decisive man. Watch her blossom when you do those things. You honestly sound like an awesome person. You’re very introspective, which is fantastic. But I think you’ve lost yourself somewhere down the road and just need to snap out of it.

Edited August 29, 2018 by bathtub-row

[GinON]

When I left my husband, our son was 3. The separation process involved about a year of off-and-on counseling, talking, etc. Later into all of that, I fell deeply in love with another man. Nothing happened between us but I was so crazy about him. But I did not leave my marriage in hopes of being with the other guy, or because of how I felt about him. After my husband and I separated, I started dating someone else. One day, I dropped my son off at his dad’s and they stood in the front yard waving goodbye to me. Right then, had my husband been a better person, I would’ve gone back to him in a heartbeat.

 

I think a lot of women think this way. I think they know that falling in love or having feelings for someone else isn’t a good reason to end a marriage. I would’ve never left my husband had he listened to the things I said to him. OP, listen - really listen - to what your wife says to you, verbally and non-verbally. Most women want to admire the man they’re with, want to know that he’ll take charge, take care of his family, and that she’s the jewel in his life. All that while being an emotionally strong and decisive man. Watch her blossom when you do those things. You honestly sound like an awesome person. You’re very introspective, which is fantastic. But I think you’ve lost yourself somewhere down the road and just need to snap out of it.

 

Thanks!

I feel like an awesome person that lost myself, and I can see what you are saying in my wife’s eyes. I appreciate your encouragement!