Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[JuneL]

The poster who first suggested 50/50 custody in this thread was not me. Of course, having to travel between mom's and dad's places is a big hassle, but this is really the nature of a divorce. Your son could have avoided all the back and forth if he didn't see his dad at all, but this wouldn't have made any sense. Would it be okay with you to give your ex-husband 95% custody so that your son could travel as little as possible? I understand that each kid and each situation is different, but there're studies saying that, in general, (small) kids harm the least with 50/50 custody. In fact, the secondary carer of the kid before divorce (often the dad) often becomes a much better carer once he has 50% custody.

 

I didn’t know that was what you meant by 50/50. Well, I would also have to disagree with that, too. It’s too disruptive and unrealistic for adults, and too accommodating to the kids. I did the thing where I had my son most of the time but on the weekends that his dad had him (every-other-weekend), he got him after school on Thursday until Monday morning. We were pretty flexible with other things like if someone had a family birthday thing or dinner. When my son got into adulthood, he told me he got tired of all the back and forth stuff. And that wasn’t even close to 50/50. Parents have to strike a balance as much as possible. One great thing my ex and I did was we lived in the same school district the entire time our son was in school. That way, our son could take the bus to and from either house. Just about every year, his teachers told us that they had no idea he was from a divorced family. It was a great compliment to hear that so consistently.

 

Most women do not want to divorce, especially when kids are involved. I think OP’s wife just wants to have a reason to respect and reconnect with her husband. It can be done.

[bathtub-row]

The poster who first suggested 50/50 custody in this thread was not me. Of course, having to travel between mom's and dad's places is a big hassle, but this is really the nature of a divorce. Your son could have avoided all the back and forth if he didn't see his dad at all, but this wouldn't have made any sense. Would it be okay with you to give your ex-husband 95% custody so that your son could travel as little as possible? I understand that each kid and each situation is different, but there're studies saying that, in general, (small) kids harm the least with 50/50 custody. In fact, the secondary carer of the kid before divorce (often the dad) often becomes a much better carer once he has 50% custody.

 

Obviously I had big issues with my ex, which is why I left him. While we were married, he was extremely chauvinistic and expected me to work a full-time job and do everything pertaining to our son. I’ll never forget one incident when there was terrible flooding in the city and the freeways were backed up for hours. This was before cell phones were prevalent and I called him from work, asked him to get the kid. He made a big stink about it. I finally told him to pick up his son and then hung up on him. Understand, I worked downtown while he worked, literally, 10 minutes from home. I didn’t get home until after 7:00 that night because of traffic. This kind of thing was common in our marriage. A couple of years later after we separated, he told me that there was a silver lining to us not being together because he did more with his son. He thought I’d be impressed with that but I just wanted to smack him.

 

That was just the tip of the iceberg with him. In our case, no, I would not have agreed to what you suggested. Look I love this stuff about dads being involved and all that. But from what I’ve seen, a lot of men drive their spouses away and then use the kids against them, as a pawn. My ex tied me up in court for 6 yrs fighting about child support. Ex spouses can be really vindictive when they’re pissed off. But I’m very old fashioned and think a child needs to be with its mother, except in very extreme cases. Particularly boys.

 

Yes, it’s the nature of divorce but I think my ex and I did a great job under the circumstances. And I would never suggest to anyone that a child never see their father. So given all that, we did the best we could. And the truth is, you can’t - and shouldn’t try to - shield your children from life’s ups and downs. My son is a fantastic adult and I’m very proud of him. He’s a hard worker, very happy, responsible and very alpha male while having a wonderfully kind spirit. I think that speaks volumes.

[PRW]

Ex spouses can be really vindictive when they’re pissed off. But I’m very old fashioned and think a child needs to be with its mother, except in very extreme cases. Particularly boys.

 

My son is a fantastic adult and I’m very proud of him. He’s a hard worker, very happy, responsible and very alpha male while having a wonderfully kind spirit. I think that speaks volumes.

 

Typically, not always, but typically, boys grow up feminized or at least more beta if they grow up without a father figure. Boys learn how to be men from their father and girls learn how to pick boyfriends by watching their father,...so obviously the character of the father is important. Good to hear it worked out ok for you guys in the end.

[bathtub-row]

Typically, not always, but typically, boys grow up feminized or at least more beta if they grow up without a father figure. Boys learn how to be men from their father and girls learn how to pick boyfriends by watching their father,...so obviously the character of the father is important. Good to hear it worked out ok for you guys in the end.

 

I totally agree about the importance of the father figure for a boy but a son feeling rejected by his mother is a very, very bad thing. A large majority of serial killers were abused, rejected and/or otherwise treated badly or with disinterest by their mothers. Another of my ex's was abused horribly by his father but do you know what he was angry about? He was angry at his mother for not protecting him. While I agree that his mother should've stood up for her son, I was amazed about the amount of anger he directed at his mother. I also concede that there's a strong correlation between fathers and daughters, where if a daughter is treated badly, etc by her father, she will most likely grow up accepting abuse from men, she will have low self-esteem, etc.

 

I think that the opposite sex parent is the one that has the biggest amount of influence over their child, however, I still say that the mother is the person who stands out to the child. And I don't mean that to say that fathers aren't deeply loved by children but 'mom' seems to be a universal thing in terms of tenderness in our hearts. That's why I think it's just right to basically default to the mom in matters of custody. I'm sure a lot of people disagree with me and I'm sure they have their reasons.

 

Let's hope, OP, that you don't have to deal with this issue and that you get your marriage back on track. That you have happy marriage that your children can thrive in, instead of a marriage where you guys are just faking it.

[S2B]

Are you sure she isn't cheating?

 

Take a look at some of her communications with others.

 

Things seem off... the things she's saying/doing...you need to be sure of what's real before putting all your confidence in repairing the marriage.

 

You just really need to rule out infidelity if you are moving forward.

[GinON]

Are you sure she isn't cheating?

 

Take a look at some of her communications with others.

 

Things seem off... the things she's saying/doing...you need to be sure of what's real before putting all your confidence in repairing the marriage.

 

You just really need to rule out infidelity if you are moving forward.

 

I can easily access all her communication, I could easily spy on her emails, phone, whatever. My wife has a right to privacy, I do not own her, she is not my property and I would never do that to her.

 

If she is in another relationship and is hiding and lying to my face about it, she has lost me anyway. I am investing in myself, regardless of our outcome.

 

On another note, I posted a nice note to her on the bath mirror and she kept it in an inconspicuous place, where I didnt see it for a few days, rather than burning it! ?. She also said goodnight to me 4 times (awkwardly) within 1 minute tonight rather than just going to bed silently. These may sound pathetic in a normal relationship, but I will take tiny victories.

 

Thanks for the support everyone!

[PRW]

Are you sure she isn't cheating?

 

Take a look at some of her communications with others.

 

Things seem off... the things she's saying/doing...you need to be sure of what's real before putting all your confidence in repairing the marriage.

 

You just really need to rule out infidelity if you are moving forward.

Yea, another DUMP HER!!! DIVORCE HER!!! message. It doesn't matter if she did or not, or if he did or not,...if they want to put their lives and their marriage back together then I support them 100%. People are just obsessed with looking for a way to convince everyone else to give up, abandon, or destroy their relationships,...usually involving accusing, bashing, undermining, calling into the question the motives or integrity of the person that did NOT write in and who can't defend themselves, and by turning the person that DID write in against them by generating suspicion and distrust.

 

This thread is over 80 messages in length, how much do you think has not been thought of or addressed yet?

[JuneL]

If you think any post has potentially violated this forum’s guidelines, feel free to report to the moderators. There’s no need for you to be the forum nazi!

 

Yea, another DUMP HER!!! DIVORCE HER!!! message. It doesn't matter if she did or not, or if he did or not,...if they want to put their lives and their marriage back together then I support them 100%. People are just obsessed with looking for a way to convince everyone else to give up, abandon, or destroy their relationships,...usually involving accusing, bashing, undermining, calling into the question the motives or integrity of the person that did NOT write in and who can't defend themselves, and by turning the person that DID write in against them by generating suspicion and distrust.

 

This thread is over 80 messages in length, how much do you think has not been thought of or addressed yet?

[PRW]

If you think any post has potentially violated this forum’s guidelines, feel free to report to the moderators. There’s no need for you to be the forum nazi!

 

I don't think it has violated anything and I'm not the type to report people to mods, I just don't do that.

 

I just feel a bit exasperated over all the negativity of trying to break people up (or encourage them to break up) when we should be trying to help people solve their problems and succeed. That seems like what we should be here to do.

 

This has been the first thread in the time I have been here where I actually got teary eyed writing to the OP because I wanted him to succeed so badly and felt so empathetic. I don't want to see him discouraged or undermined.

Edited August 30, 2018 by PRW

[Els]

I skimmed through 6 pages and didn't find any mention of this - what about marriage counselling?

 

Your situation is a difficult one. I can fully empathize with the frustration that you'd feel, if you'd sacrificed the last several years taking care of the house and kids to enable your wife to fully pursue har career potential without being held back by other duties, and then she responds by cutting you out. I mean, being able to go to work, come back, and not having to do anything at home is a BIG thing, and makes a HUGE difference to someone's performance at work. Ditto with being able to travel for business whenever needed despite having kids, and being able to work as long hours as needed. IMO as the SAHD, you contributed as much to her career success as she did (and the same goes for SAHMs and their partners).

 

But that being said, your opening post is also riddled with insecurity, hypersensitivity, and other issues that are generally found to be unattractive. I think PRW and the others are correct in that aspect - your personality, at the moment, is a tough sell for the majority of women. However, you yourself have expressed the desire to go back to how you used to be, and the desire to work on yourself. So all is not lost.

 

I think both of you are having difficulty in conveying all of this to each other. Hence the suggestion of MC.

 

 

Good luck!

[S2B]

Yea, another DUMP HER!!! DIVORCE HER!!! message. It doesn't matter if she did or not, or if he did or not,...if they want to put their lives and their marriage back together then I support them 100%. People are just obsessed with looking for a way to convince everyone else to give up, abandon, or destroy their relationships,...usually involving accusing, bashing, undermining, calling into the question the motives or integrity of the person that did NOT write in and who can't defend themselves, and by turning the person that DID write in against them by generating suspicion and distrust.

 

This thread is over 80 messages in length, how much do you think has not been thought of or addressed yet?

 

The post asked if he has looked into her communications.

 

You took a giant leap.

 

I asked the OP to check and see what info he's dealing with.

 

There's nothing wrong with checking for any evidence to be sure what he can do to move forward. Ruling out infidelity if you intend to repair the marriage is necessary.

 

Stop jumping to conclusions.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think it has violated anything and I'm not the type to report people to mods, I just don't do that.

 

I just feel a bit exasperated over all the negativity of trying to break people up (or encourage them to break up) when we should be trying to help people solve their problems and succeed. That seems like what we should be here to do.

 

This has been the first thread in the time I have been here where I actually got teary eyed writing to the OP because I wanted him to succeed so badly and felt so empathetic. I don't want to see him discouraged or undermined.

 

In all fairness, most of the relationship issues posted on this site are in red alert mode and the person posting usually just needs to get out. There are so many instances like that and it’s staggering. In this case, maybe it’s good that he thinks about all the possibilities but, yeah, it’s not as bad or hopeless as most of the ones here. Still, if something isn’t done, it’s likely to fall apart. Everyone has their perspective and I think all points of view have value. It’s up to the OP to do what they choose with the info.

[PRW]

In all fairness, most of the relationship issues posted on this site are in red alert mode and the person posting usually just needs to get out. There are so many instances like that and it’s staggering.

 

Yea that is often the case. It can be a bit depressing to deal with. Although I am not going to claim I can remember everything I have ever said on here, I try to usually analyze the details of the situation and give my "take" on it, then leave it up to them to decide what to do with it, at least in an established relationship. Now if it is a dating thing within the first few dates and it goes something "met this girl, she said this, she did that, does she like me?" I might say sorry guy, but I don't think she is interested. But that is a totally different thing than an established family with kids involved. We should be more careful with those. My mom was married 3 times (married the 2nd one twice) and my dad was married 7 times (and married one of them twice). She's still alive, he is not. I've got step moms I've never met. So it hits a little close to home with some subjects I get into dealing with.

 

It’s up to the OP to do what they choose with the info.[/Quote]I think he is on the right track, as long as he doesn't get discouraged.

[JuneL]

OP: You mentioned that you and your wife have sex only every sex months. What’s up with that?

[GinON]

OP: You mentioned that you and your wife have sex only every sex months. What’s up with that?

 

Its a good question!

 

We both contributed to this.

 

As I mentioned before in my OP, I was pretty anxious and very sensitive to shame, being a pussy if you will! Any criticism was difficult for me to take so I would not try that again and hadn't developed the guts to laugh at myself or just smile and try something else. This as everyone here knows is not attractive and makes your lady feel like you are not there for her.

Did you know that when you lack confidence, you are afraid to be passionate for your partner and find it impossible take yourself seriously? Yes, its true....and your sex life will suck.

 

 

She also has a terrible fear of abandonment because of how her parents (didn't really) raised her. This caused her to criticize me while not understanding my fears and of course I didn't understand hers, so I would recoil more she would get more upset....downward spiral!

 

Imagine the sucking sound of our sex lives going down the drain.

 

Some of you have picked up on how reasonable and nice I am, I am also really F'ing handy, she has lots of great attributes as well and we are both pretty lucky in the looks department. So our attraction levels held even in the friend zone but we've been there way too long. The occasional sex we had was just OK.

 

She has always had very specific expectations in bed, usual descriptions included how her previous mates did things, ("just do that") which is kind of a libido killer and makes it hard to be passionate when you are following instructions.... (Something an alpha can deal with, not great for an insecure beta though...) I think we both have work to do here.

 

We were both stunned to find out the other wanted a lot more sex when she finally decided she was miserable enough. We both thought the other person was uninterested.. Shocked, I mean truly shocked. If I had the knowledge I do now 3 or 4 months ago when she had her come to jesus moment, I could have fixed this is a couple of weeks. I just drove her away more with the beta male crap I was pulling. No more of that, thank goodness!

 

Onward!

[JuneL]

Personally, I don’t see how you’re improving. You’re still overly accommodating to her. An alpha male would not be afraid of calling her out on her BS. I’m baffled that we’re being accused of wanting to break up your marriage. You need to act as if you’re heading to a divorce for your wife to have some respect for you. You need to say no to her when necessary. Did you also give her instructions on what porn acts you would like her to do to you?

 

I’m saying all this as a woman who can smell a beta male 1000 miles away. Anyway, you have my very best wishes. I’d better go before the thread nazi comes along

 

Its a good question!

 

We both contributed to this.

 

As I mentioned before in my OP, I was pretty anxious and very sensitive to shame, being a pussy if you will! Any criticism was difficult for me to take so I would not try that again and hadn't developed the guts to laugh at myself or just smile and try something else. This as everyone here knows is not attractive and makes your lady feel like you are not there for her.

Did you know that when you lack confidence, you are afraid to be passionate for your partner and find it impossible take yourself seriously? Yes, its true....and your sex life will suck.

 

 

She also has a terrible fear of abandonment because of how her parents (didn't really) raised her. This caused her to criticize me while not understanding my fears and of course I didn't understand hers, so I would recoil more she would get more upset....downward spiral!

 

Imagine the sucking sound of our sex lives going down the drain.

 

Some of you have picked up on how reasonable and nice I am, I am also really F'ing handy, she has lots of great attributes as well and we are both pretty lucky in the looks department. So our attraction levels held even in the friend zone but we've been there way too long. The occasional sex we had was just OK.

 

She has always had very specific expectations in bed, usual descriptions included how her previous mates did things, ("just do that") which is kind of a libido killer and makes it hard to be passionate when you are following instructions.... (Something an alpha can deal with, not great for an insecure beta though...) I think we both have work to do here.

 

We were both stunned to find out the other wanted a lot more sex when she finally decided she was miserable enough. We both thought the other person was uninterested.. Shocked, I mean truly shocked. If I had the knowledge I do now 3 or 4 months ago when she had her come to jesus moment, I could have fixed this is a couple of weeks. I just drove her away more with the beta male crap I was pulling. No more of that, thank goodness!

 

Onward!

[GinON]

Personally, I don’t see how you’re improving. You’re still overly accommodating to her. An alpha male would not be afraid of calling her out on her BS. I’m baffled that we’re being accused of wanting to break up your marriage. You need to act as if you’re heading to a divorce for your wife to have some respect for you. You need to say no to her when necessary. Did you also give her instructions on what porn acts you would like her to do to you?

 

I’m saying all this as a woman who can smell a beta male 1000 miles away. Anyway, you have my very best wishes. I’d better go before the thread nazi comes along

 

 

Just clarify for me what you mean by calling her on her BS.

At this point she isn't listening to me, I just started listening to her and not shrinking into a super beta, pleasing her mode when she talked to me. My first post here was 6 days ago and I hadn't even heard the concept of Beta Male until your first post in this thread. I had to look up your phrase "beta guy" I think she has noticed a change in me over this week of me posting here; I have. I have read the 3% book and watched 30 or so videos from him and Tony Robins (who i used to make fun of out of ignorance;) )

 

You guys have utterly changed how I see my future with or without my wife. So stop bickering with each other and congratulate yourselves for helping a person that really needed it.

Edited August 30, 2018 by GinON

[JuneL]

Personally, I’m not interested in CW’s stuff. You know what, healthy bickering is not such a bad thing

 

Just clarify for me what you mean by calling her on her BS.

At this point she isn't listening to me, I just started listening to her and not shrinking into a super beta, pleasing her mode when she talked to me. My first post here was 6 days ago and I hadn't even heard the concept of Beta Male until your first post in this thread. I had to look up your phrase "beta guy" I think she has noticed a change in me over this week of me posting here; I have. I have read the 3% book and watched 30 or so videos from him and Tony Robins (who i used to make fun of out of ignorance;) )

 

You guys have utterly changed how I see my future with or without my wife. So stop bickering with each other and congratulate yourselves for helping a person that really needed it.

[GinON]

Personally, I’m not interested in CW’s stuff. You know what, healthy bickering is not such a bad thing

 

I am taking some of what he says, and combining with the book How to Improve Your Marraige Without Talking About It. That book is so much better written, it even has scientific evidence backing up its processes. CW’s stuff is a bit repetitive and too frat boy to be taken seriously as an older adult with a family.

.

His book in a nut shell: ,Be strong, don’t waver under pressure and be something you like. If it’s not working, move on.

The Tony Robins videos are much more nuanced, and pretty inspiring.

 

All together, with this site I feel pretty good, plus I started martial arts classes and I can punch people!!!!

Tonight I was punching and being punched by a really sweet European woman, it was FUN!

Edited August 31, 2018 by GinON

[vla1120]

I like that you started martial arts - something for yourself. Punching people must be a GREAT release for tension and frustration! Haha!

 

After two failed marriages, I had vowed to never be involved with another man. With the help of my therapist, however, I am coming to the conclusion that MAYBE (in years to come, not now!) I can be in a successful relationship with someone someday (because who wants to spend their life alone) but not until I work on myself and care enough about myself to set healthy boundaries and expectations concerning how I will allow someone to treat me. I no longer have "Doormat" written across my forehead.

 

I do hope everything works out for you. I am a huge champion for staying together, if at all possible. I had a marriage therapist tell me once "Sometimes, when couples come to see me because of differences with their spouse that are ruining their marriage, I tell them it is not so much one person having to change as it is the other person learning to accept their faults, if they are not so egregious as infidelity, or abuse." Maybe you and your wife learning to be more tolerant of one another will go a long way toward making your marriage work. Best of luck!

[Not that guy]

I registered just to reply because I was in your shoes about 6 years ago. My situation may have been a little different as the distance was caused by me., my behavior, my actions, and my taking my marriage for granted. The distance had my wife sleeping and living separately as well. This led to my wife having an affair with someone from work. My wife is the sweetest, most innocent person you'd meet so confirming it blindsided me and put me into the darkest part of my life; it put me places I would only wish on my greatest enemies.

 

Setting the table there let's talk about what YOU can do. You cannot control your wife so own and master what you are in control of. If you truly want the marriage to work them you need to be the best stay-at- home dad that you can be. You need to do your best to support your home and allow your wife to support your family financially. You also have to be the best husband that you can be. That means doing the things that are asked of you around the house, but that also means NOT being the doormat you are afraid you are becoming. Being the best husband is ensuring that your wife is being the best wife to support you in being the best husband. That means communicating your thoughts and feelings about HER duties to support you d her husband. I don't know if that means you desire sexual activity, intimacy, time alone, whatever. If she is asking you to rearrange furniture then it isn't get bossing you around it's her communicating her needs to you. Your duty is to communicate your needs to her. Assuming that the current dynamic is that she is 'wearing the pants in three family" I believe it would benefit you both subconsciously if it was more equitable. Her acting 'checked out' could just be fatigue from not even wanting that role. I don't know the specifics and unless I missed something I'm making the best assessment based on what I know. This advice is only on the assumption that you really want to save the marriage and there is an ability within her to rejoin the marriage.

 

In my situation my wife checked out emotionally and the only way I could get her back in was to put her in touch with reality. Divorce is sometimes felt as a fantasy and making a change seems rational, but only while ignoring the tangible long term results of a divorce. Children, finances, friends and families are all impacted, mostly negatively, by following through on a divorce but the warm embrace of freedom is all one focuses on while they are checked out. They certainly don't think about the pain-in-the-butt stuff separating your phone numbers, changing the name on the water bill, restructuring the mortgage, or having up split their retirement. We come back to communication. If your wife is fantasizing about another life without you or just having a platonic time situation, both scenarios I've had to have long conversations about, it's your duty as a husband to firmly and frankly bring your wife to reality on. You need to set boundaries and expectations honestly and openly. If you don't want to be treated like a roommate then hold your wife accountable for that. It is your job, if you are being the best husband you can be, to stand up and demand to be treated as a husband not a roommate. Follow up and follow through to ensure that you are both meeting each others expectations. It may not happen overnight. My situation did as a result of an acute incident. Our dynamic had to flip on a dime in a hospital room that I was in not of my own volition. At some point my wife realized that life with me was better than the alternative and in incremental episodes our intimacy improved and our marriage got into a better place than it ever had been before. I probably couldn't have said that a year ago and my situation happened almost 6 years ago, November 1st 2012, but who's counting. My point is that patience is key. You have to remain committed to being the best husband you can be to allow, and in some ways force, your wife to be the best wife she can be. It's about mastering what you are in control of.

 

That brings me to my final point. You can only control yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your attitudes, your feelings. No amount of love, affection, or furniture moving can force your wife to want to stay married to you. It is her legal right to do so in almost every part of the known universe. Ethically it wouldn't be right to resist it even if that weren't the case. My point is that you cannot control her feelings on the matter. All you can do is control your actions. Those actions can and should be communicating to her to hopefully convince her to reconnect, but if hope is lost you need to maintain control of what you can control. Hope was lost with me many times. It took a while to accept reality and begin controlling my own destiny. It wasn't until that time that I was able to finally break through to my wife and get her completely 100% back on board. Unfortunately it took me years to figure it out. The analogy I can best use to describe it is when you are bartering for something. Buying a car is the best example because most all of us have done that at one time or another. My father in law taught me the most important part of bartering. You need to always be prepared to walk away. It seems simple enough, but it's very important to go into the negotiation with that mindset. You need to know that you are prepared to walk at at any moment. If you go in needing to buy then the sales person will sense it and you will lose. If you are prepared to walk away if they don't have it in your right color, if they won't give you the right price, or if they won't service it for free then you'll get what you want. I promise you that if you walk out for him not meeting a reasonable request he'll chase you and give you what you want and more. If he knows you'll settle for the blue one instead of the red one you really want but he knows he'll sell the red one easier he'll talk you into the blue one. If you walk out when he makes up an excuse about why the red one isn't available he'll magically find a red one for you and throw in a set of matching floor mats. The reason I mentioned this is because you need to accept that your wife can execute her legal rights. She can tangibly divide you. You need to accept that, and must master your control over how you'll handle that. Will you relocate, will you keep your car, will you be able to support yourself, how will you cope with the new changes. You need to ask yourself these questions and be physically and mentally prepared to move on if the rug is pulled on you. Once you accept that reality you are on equal footing with your wife who has checked out. Until that time I was the person unwilling to walk away and willing to settle for the blue car. I was selling for a roommate and not a spouse. When I was willing and mentally smoke to walk away my wife was 'magically' able to give more of herself. Maybe she wouldn't have been willing. Maybe your wife won't be. You need to accept that.....I know it's very hard.

 

I'm sorry for rambling on, but your story struck a nerve and I needed to try and help. Hopefully you've lasted this long and my advice helps. Most importantly I hope everything works it for you as it currently is for me.

 

 

P.s. sorry about misspelling and bad punctuation. I'm still learning on my new phone. I'll try and fix what I catch.

[JuneL]

Well said, Not that guy! It’s especially convincing coming from someone with the exact same experience.

[GinON]

Thanks a ton, I am trying to come to that place in my head, I have accepted that this could be over, and I have also thrown myself headlong into being the best father and husband I can be. I know I am doing better than I ever have at the husband part, I am already a really good dad, I can only get better at that by being in a loving relationship that provides a positive example there.

 

I’ve finally gotten to where I don’t lose my cool we’re talking about issues we face, and she will razz me about stuff she is unhappy about. I will just smile and look at her in a way that says, “I know you are testing me, bring it on!” I feel unshakable emotionally and I don’t need her to make me feel good about myself. I would prefer that we be ready to start repairing and building our relationship but she is still in recoil and bitter mode. She still has deep wounds and hasn’t had time to process all of it the way I have. She has a full-time job and the kids are always hounding her for attention so she just doesn’t have the alone time to process and read and evaluate her feelings like I do.

 

We have counseling this week, I am waiting to see what happens there. We may also go out Friday night together which will be odd, but I am just going with the flow.

 

I had to figure out that I can’t control anything except for myself a month ago. I realize that I have set expectations for reactions from everyone in my life and that it is difficult pattern to break in my head but I’m getting better at it and it definitely reduces a lot of stress to do so. My personal Improvement started months ago before I (and she really!) was completely aware of how unhappy she was.

 

I registered just to reply because I was in your shoes about 6 years ago. My situation may have been a little different as the distance was caused by me., my behavior, my actions, and my taking my marriage for granted. The distance had my wife sleeping and living separately as well. This led to my wife having an affair with someone from work. My wife is the sweetest, most innocent person you'd meet so confirming it blindsided me and put me into the darkest part of my life; it put me places I would only wish on my greatest enemies.

 

Setting the table there let's talk about what YOU can do. You cannot control your wife so own and master what you are in control of. If you truly want the marriage to work them you need to be the best stay-at- home dad that you can be. You need to do your best to support your home and allow your wife to support your family financially. You also have to be the best husband that you can be. That means doing the things that are asked of you around the house, but that also means NOT being the doormat you are afraid you are becoming. Being the best husband is ensuring that your wife is being the best wife to support you in being the best husband. That means communicating your thoughts and feelings about HER duties to support you d her husband. I don't know if that means you desire sexual activity, intimacy, time alone, whatever. If she is asking you to rearrange furniture then it isn't get bossing you around it's her communicating her needs to you. Your duty is to communicate your needs to her. Assuming that the current dynamic is that she is 'wearing the pants in three family" I believe it would benefit you both subconsciously if it was more equitable. Her acting 'checked out' could just be fatigue from not even wanting that role. I don't know the specifics and unless I missed something I'm making the best assessment based on what I know. This advice is only on the assumption that you really want to save the marriage and there is an ability within her to rejoin the marriage.

 

In my situation my wife checked out emotionally and the only way I could get her back in was to put her in touch with reality. Divorce is sometimes felt as a fantasy and making a change seems rational, but only whi the tangible long term results of a divorce. Children, finances, friends and families are all impacted, mostly negatively, by following through on a divorce but the warm embrace of freedom is all one focuses on while they are checked out. They certainly don't think about the pain-in-the-butt stuff separating your phone numbers, changing the name on the water bill, restructuring the mortgage, or having up split their retirement. We come back to communication. If your wife is fantasizing about another life without you or just having a platonic time situation, both scenarios I've had to have long conversations about, it's your duty as a husband to firmly and frankly bring your wife to reality on. You need to set boundaries and expectations honestly and openly. If you don't want to be treated like a roommate then hold your wife accountable for that. It is your job, if you are being the best husband you can be, to stand up and demand to be treated as a husband not a roommate. Follow up and follow through to ensure that you are both meeting each others expectations. It may not happen overnight. My situation did as a result of an acute incident. Our dynamic had to flip on a dime in a hospital room that I was in not of my own volition. At some point my wife realized that life with me was better than the alternative and in incremental episodes our intimacy improved and our marriage got into a better place than it ever had been before. I probably couldn't have said that a year ago and my situation happened almost 6 years ago, November 1st 2012, but who's counting. My point is that patience is key. You have to remain committed to being the best husband you can be to allow, and in some ways force, your wife to be the best wife she can be. It's about mastering what you are in control of.

 

That brings me to my final point. You can only control yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your attitudes, your feelings. No amount of love, affection, or furniture moving can force your wife to want to stay married to you. It is her legal right to do so in almost every part of the known universe. Ethically it wouldn't be right to resist it even if that weren't the case. My point is that you cannot control her feelings on the matter. All you can do is control your actions. Those actions can and should be communicating to her to hopefully convince her to reconnect, but if hope is lost you need to maintain control of what you can control. Hope was lost with me many times. It took a while to accept reality and begin controlling my own destiny. It wasn't until that time that I was able to finally break through to my wife and get her completely 100% back on board. Unfortunately it took me years to figure it out. The analogy I can best use to describe it is when you are bartering for something. Buying a car is the best example because most all of us have done that at one time or another. My father in law taught me the most important part of bartering. You need to always be prepared to walk away. It seems simple enough, but it's very important to go into the negotiation with that mindset. You need to know that you are prepared to walk at at any moment. If you go in needing to buy then the sales person will sense it and you will lose. If you are prepared to walk away if they don't have it in your right color, if they won't give you the right price, or if they won't service it for free then you'll get what you want. I promise you that if you walk out for him not meeting a reasonable request he'll chase you and give you what you want and more. If he knows you'll settle for the blue one instead of the red one you really want but he knows he'll sell the red one easier he'll talk you into the blue one. If you walk out when he makes up an excuse about why the red one isn't available he'll magically find a red one for you and throw in a set of matching floor mats. The reason I mentioned this is because you need to accept that your wife can execute her legal rights. She can tangibly divide you. You need to accept that, and must master your control over how you'll handle that. Will you relocate, will you keep your car, will you be able to support yourself, how will you cope with the new changes. You need to ask yourself these questions and be physically and mentally prepared to move on if the rug is pulled on you. Once you accept that reality you are on equal footing with your wife who has checked out. Until that time I was the person unwilling to walk away and willing to settle for the blue car. I was selling for a roommate and not a spouse. When I was willing and mentally smoke to walk away my wife was 'magically' able to give more of herself. Maybe she wouldn't have been willing. Maybe your wife won't be. You need to accept that.....I know it's very hard.

 

I'm sorry for rambling on, but your story struck a nerve and I needed to try and help. Hopefully you've lasted this long and my advice helps. Most importantly I hope everything works it for you as it currently is for me.

 

 

P.s. sorry about misspelling and bad punctuation. I'm still learning on my new phone. I'll try and fix what I catch.

[GinON]

We had our first MC appointment and it was a mind blowing experience for me.

Turns out I have an avoidant attachment style, and I had never heard of this at all. Wife has anxious style and has been trying to fix our relationship for a decade and I have just ignored and avoided dealing with everything she wanted to work on. Add that to the other confidence issues and her massive fear of abandonment and that’s how you end up where we are.

 

I wish I had heard this 20 years ago!

 

Anyway, we talked for hours after and were able to hug each other several times. Wife said she expected me to just accept the end and go through the motions of divorce when she finally gave up, and never expected me to go to counseling, and try to fix my **** so I could be a decent partner.

 

We have another appointment this week, she still is willing to go, even though she doesn’t see how she could ever find me attractive again. MC said there are ways to work through that, I think she will need a magic wand.

[JuneL]

OP: Have you by any chance lived in a cave for an extended period of time? You haven’t heard of the term beta male, nor have you come across the term avoidant attachment style. I actually have a female friend like you, who is so out of touch with reality.