Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

[GinON]

After another MC session.

This one went way better than the other one. I think mostly cause I am in a better place. Wife still says she is not attracted to me but sounds like she wants to figure out how she is supposed to move forward. I know from the work I have been doing not to say anything cause I dont want to bring all the Corey Wayne (and many others) stuff into the conversation. This time the counselor was sort of on my side in that she was pointing out how much different I am and asked my wife how it felt to hear me being open and loving. The cool thing is she pointed out to me how my posture changed and that she could see me opening up and then could see me returning to my more inner reserved state as the meeting progressed. Oddly I couldnt tell the difference in my thoughts or my emotions while this was happening because I always feel those things but just keep them locked up. There really is a shift that happens that I have never been aware of and it makes even more sense how I am so clueless as to how to communicate well. More work to do for me.

 

We left in a better mood than last time which felt cold and gloomy.

 

I have turned off the self help stuff for a few days and am listening to comedy podcasts. My mind has room for humor now! Hurray!

 

more later

[PRW]

Great news.

 

Your wife has seen you the old way for a long time. It will take her time to feel assured that the changes are real and not temporary and that you won't just fall back into old ways once it is over. That is why she is still struggling to feel attracted to you. There is nothing that you can "say" that will speed that up,...she just has to see it for herself for a long enough period of time to really believe it is real.

 

Interesting comment about the posture. CW and many others have taught how posture (body language) is a reflection of what is going on in your mind,...but they also say that it works the other way too, in that posture and body language can effect your mind and make you feel different. The phrase "fake it till you make it" seems silly but it really does work, you really can eventually "make it". So you walk down the hallway at work with a posture that says you are confident and not intimidated (even though it isn't true),...and after a while you notice you feel more confident and less intimidated.

[S2B]

Research and learn about body language. Learn the fine details that any person tells you without ever saying a thing.

 

Where a person sits, how their feet point, note when someone leans in or turns their back and attention elsewhere.

 

There's a ton that you can see that a person never tells.

 

You can practice it in public. Those subliminal body language cues should never be missed! You will have a MAJOR advantage by learning what it all means.

 

Several years ago at a party - a guy was there without his long term girl friend.

 

After the party was over I said to my sister - he's having an affair with Jen (another gal at the party). She said no he's not! I said oh yes he is.

 

Sure enough - he was. Just by scanning the room and watching them for three minutes it was completely obvious they were just by their body language with each other.

 

My sister called his girlfriend the day after the party to war her that something didn't seem right - she said he hadn't been home for a week and didn't know where he'd been. Well... my sister clued her in where she should look.

 

I think the end to that scene is obvious.

[GinON]

Just an update,

My wife is out of town on another trip for a couple of weeks.

My anxiety is significantly lower. I have no more clue as to what she will do long term now but I do not feel like I need to know. It sounds a bit silly, but I spend some time during the day not thinking about this and can actually focus on my life.

Some of the body language I observed before she left has me thinking she is still not sure how she feels. One armed hugs with head pressing on my chest, coming to find me to tell me trivial things, asking how I feel about clothing... It's weird stuff but I feel more like I am just observing her struggle with her own feelings. Whatever they are, they are not hostile.

 

I did experience something I dont remember ever feeling (as in my whole life) the last 2 days she was here. Its hard to describe this but I will try..

I was tuned into her emotional needs regarding the kids and the working mothers guilt and gave her a lot of encouragement and felt enjoyment making her feel better. I got nothing back from her, except some acknowledgment that it was nice to hear but I could feel change in her emotional state and maybe a bit of puzzlement. I wasn't expecting anything from her and wasnt worried about her doubting me or any of the old avoidant mentality I usually feel. I felt some real joy watching her feel better about her dedication to her kids but probably a lot of that joy was just not feeling anxiety about us. Not sure but its way better than the gut destroying feelings I've had for months. Messing with your long term thinking patterns is unsettling but I like the results so far.

I am still working through a bunch of books I have selected, going to therapy, working out 3-4 times a week, etc. So not to worry, I am not stopping just cause I had a few good days.

[PRW]

head pressing on my chest, coming to find me to tell me trivial things, asking how I feel about clothing... It's weird stuff

Don't get caught up trying to analyze these and "do math" on them. Remember what you have been learning about how women function emotionally. She is looking for positive emotional assurance from your responses to those seemingly trivial things. In the past you probably had an "I don't care" attitude and maybe a "What are you asking me that for?" response in the past. If you have made real changes than these responses from you should change for the better too. She is testing you to find out if the changes are real,...and don't expect her to be consciously aware she is testing you on that,...it is an instinctual thing and don't give her any grief about it. Be happy, it is a good thing, she isn't going to test a guy she has given up on.

 

Oh, on the clothes, if she is asking which of a couple choices should she wear, never say "They all look fine" or "What ever you want". Never say, "Well, whichever one you like better". Just make a figging choice and pick one for her and give a brief reason why you like that one better. If she tests you and says, "But I think I like this other one better", then you respond with, "It's nice, but I think the one I mentioned will be better". Obviously don't argue about it, just show that you made a definte choice when you picked it and wasn't just randomly picking one.

 

Whatever they are, they are not hostile.

That's the key.

 

The rest that was below this seems fine. Nothing to comment on.

Edited October 5, 2018 by PRW

[JuneL]

The moment you stop micro-analyzing every tiny bit of her behavior is the moment you can graduate from your self-improvement. It’s off putting if I know my boyfriend is over-analyzing me like that

 

Just an update,

My wife is out of town on another trip for a couple of weeks.

My anxiety is significantly lower. I have no more clue as to what she will do long term now but I do not feel like I need to know. It sounds a bit silly, but I spend some time during the day not thinking about this and can actually focus on my life.

Some of the body language I observed before she left has me thinking she is still not sure how she feels. One armed hugs with head pressing on my chest, coming to find me to tell me trivial things, asking how I feel about clothing... It's weird stuff but I feel more like I am just observing her struggle with her own feelings. Whatever they are, they are not hostile.

 

I did experience something I dont remember ever feeling (as in my whole life) the last 2 days she was here. Its hard to describe this but I will try..

I was tuned into her emotional needs regarding the kids and the working mothers guilt and gave her a lot of encouragement and felt enjoyment making her feel better. I got nothing back from her, except some acknowledgment that it was nice to hear but I could feel change in her emotional state and maybe a bit of puzzlement. I wasn't expecting anything from her and wasnt worried about her doubting me or any of the old avoidant mentality I usually feel. I felt some real joy watching her feel better about her dedication to her kids but probably a lot of that joy was just not feeling anxiety about us. Not sure but its way better than the gut destroying feelings I've had for months. Messing with your long term thinking patterns is unsettling but I like the results so far.

I am still working through a bunch of books I have selected, going to therapy, working out 3-4 times a week, etc. So not to worry, I am not stopping just cause I had a few good days.

[GinON]

Don't get caught up trying to analyze these and "do math" on them. Remember what you have been learning about how women function emotionally. She is looking for positive emotional assurance from your responses to those seemingly trivial things. In the past you probably had an "I don't care" attitude and maybe a "What are you asking me that for?" response in the past. If you have made real changes than these responses from you should change for the better too. She is testing you to find out if the changes are real,...and don't expect her to be consciously aware she is testing you on that,...it is an instinctual thing and don't give her any grief about it. Be happy, it is a good thing, she isn't going to test a guy she has given up on.

 

Oh, on the clothes, if she is asking which of a couple choices should she wear, never say "They all look fine" or "What ever you want". Never say, "Well, whichever one you like better". Just make a figging choice and pick one for her and give a brief reason why you like that one better. If she tests you and says, "But I think I like this other one better", then you respond with, "It's nice, but I think the one I mentioned will be better". Obviously don't argue about it, just show that you made a definte choice when you picked it and wasn't just randomly picking one.

 

That's the key.

 

The rest that was below this seems fine. Nothing to comment on.

 

Now that you mention how I respond to the clothes, I can say that I am a lot more comfortable telling her when she looks great in something. I used to have sooo much trouble giving her or anyone compliments, I also couldnt accept them, which has always (and rightly so) driven her crazy.

 

This peeled another layer off her anger when she realized how easy I can compliment her even with things I used to dismiss the way you described or worse due to insecurity or immaturity, or both.

 

 

The moment you stop micro-analyzing every tiny bit of her behavior is the moment you can graduate from your self-improvement. It’s off putting if I know my boyfriend is over-analyzing me like that

Wow, I am trying to figure this out.

Looking back I see you wrote this:

Paradoxically, once you stop giving a f^ck about how your wife thinks about you, she might be more attracted to you.

I guess that's what you are still saying. I'm not there yet, but I am starting to relax about the idea of her leaving. Maybe by December I wont care at all... (I feel like I have said that before)

 

I want to share another thing that is only a side show to this, but other men and fathers are starting to come to me and want to hang out and go have a beer and other social things that I was either unaware of in the past or threw off too weird of a vibe. This never happened to me before.

 

Thanks fro writing me back, it helps to have this feedback!

[GinON]

Another thing is the MC asked us to come up with a list of 10 things (flexible number) that we want from each other in a relationship.

 

I am looking for suggestions on how to come up with these. I am not asking anyone to tell me what to think but its hard to get past, just not giving up.

Its seems stupid to write down; sex once a week, hugs and talking, etc when your wife doesn't find you remotely attractive and you think she is hot... just awkward.

 

OK, here come some hard punches from the gallery.

[vla1120]

Another thing is the MC asked us to come up with a list of 10 things (flexible number) that we want from each other in a relationship.

 

I am looking for suggestions on how to come up with these. I am not asking anyone to tell me what to think but its hard to get past, just not giving up.

Its seems stupid to write down; sex once a week, hugs and talking, etc when your wife doesn't find you remotely attractive and you think she is hot... just awkward.

 

OK, here come some hard punches from the gallery.

 

Nothing you add to that list will be stupid! My estranged husband and I were also asked to make that list at some point. I cannot remember the details, but the result of that exercise was basically, me asking for small concessions he could make that would please me, and he basically was asking for me to be a completely different person. It was very telling.

 

You have come SO far, one day you will realize that, whether or not you will ever be "enough" for her, you will learn that you are more than "enough" for yourself. When you do get to that point, you will lose interest in chasing after her. That is when she will most likely notice that change and do a 180, but by then, you won't care.

[PRW]

Another thing is the MC asked us to come up with a list of 10 things (flexible number) that we want from each other in a relationship.

 

I'm skeptical. Doesn't sound smart. That sounds like something that will drive a wedge between the two of you and open old wounds,...generate "finger pointing". The marriage is about what each of you bring to the table to give to each other,...NOT what you expect to GET from each other. I think the MC needs a new plan, and if I was going to that MC,...I would tell them that. No, I don't think I like that at all,...bad plan.

[Just a Guy]

Hi GinON, after skimming through your thread I get the feeling that your problem may just be that you do not present a manly presence to your wife. All your micro analyzing that JuneL has mentioned and your overthinking things presents a picture of a man who is diffident and unsure of himself. To top that you are a SAHD which is an attraction killer for a woman especially if she is the Breadwinner in the family. Your wife losing interest in you is because she does not respect you and if a woman does not respect her husband then it soon changes to contempt. If you want to regain your respect in her eyes you have to exude a quality of manliness and find a job which puts you in a position of power and authority. A woman will always be attracted to a man who projects power whether of authority or of a sexual nature or of a financial nature. A combination of all three would make her weak at the knees. While I am exaggerating here and I am sure some of the ladies on the forum would pounce on me for being sexist or patriarchal, the point I am trying to emphasize is that a man will be respected by his woman if he assumes leadership of the family and projects authority in a quiet and unassuming manner. You do not have to be a macho man just a manly man.

 

The other point I wanted to raise with you is whether you suspect that your wife is having an affair? She certainly has all the opportunity to do so as she travels for long periods away from the home. Also if she is distant or aloof from you or displays other signs of a lack of feeling for you then she could be having an affair or is on the verge of having one.That could also explain why she has become cold towards you. Just think about it. Yours in an unenviable position and you have to make strenuous efforts to get out of the situation that you are in. Best wishes.

Edited October 6, 2018 by Just a Guy

[GinON]

Hi GinON, after skimming through your thread I get the feeling that your problem may just be that you do not present a manly presence to your wife. All your micro analyzing that JuneL has mentioned and your overthinking things presents a picture of a man who is diffident and unsure of himself. To top that you are a SAHD which is an attraction killer for a woman especially if she is the Breadwinner in the family. Your wife losing interest in you is because she does not respect you and if a woman does not respect her husband then it soon changes to contempt. If you want to regain your respect in her eyes you have to exude a quality of manliness and find a job which puts you in a position of power and authority. A woman will always be attracted to a man who projects power whether of authority or of a sexual nature or of a financial nature. A combination of all three would make her weak at the knees. While I am exaggerating here and I am sure some of the ladies on the forum would pounce on me for being sexist or patriarchal, the point I am trying to emphasize is that a man will be respected by his woman if he assumes leadership of the family and projects authority in a quiet and unassuming manner. You do not have to be a macho man just a manly man.

 

The other point I wanted to raise with you is whether you suspect that your wife is having an affair? She certainly has all the opportunity to do so as she travels for long periods away from the home. Also if she is distant or aloof from you or displays other signs of a lack of feeling for you then she could be having an affair or is on the verge of having one.That could also explain why she has become cold towards you. Just think about it. Yours in an unenviable position and you have to make strenuous efforts to get out of the situation that you are in. Best wishes.

 

Thanks for the reply,

I think you are right, and I am looking into some work that will be flexible enough for me to take care of the kids and make some cash, I am assuming I will have no choice at the moment. Its not easy to drop back into the work force after being out for so long but I gotta start somewhere. I gotta say, being a temporary single parent is hard, making it permanent would really suck. No family where we live so its all me or payed help when she is out of town.

 

If she is cheating, it would be a complete shock to me and our mutual friends. She talks about co-workers that have cheating spouses with sadness and is not kind about those that she knows are cheating; she even says that if there was a reason to be suspicious with a partner then its over anyway. I think I am lucky to be with (for now) a genuinely honest and loyal person. Several here have suggested looking into her email and phone, but I think invading her privacy is a terrible idea. I could, I have all her passwords, control all finances etc., but I wont do it, I feel guilty if I see accidentally see a text pop on her phone.

[Marc878]

Red flags all over and you're burying your head in the sand. Sounds like you're in denial and living on hopium.

 

I hope you aren't in for a rude awakening

[GinON]

Red flags all over and you're burying your head in the sand. Sounds like you're in denial and living on hopium.

 

I hope you aren't in for a rude awakening

You mean cheating? If that’s happening, I am sure I will find it rude, at least.

[Just a Guy]

Hi GinON, some of the most unlikely candidates for indulging in cheating have fallen into the trap. Even those who were vociferous critics of cheating and cheaters have suddenly found themselves in the cheating game. From many of the accounts that I have read here of people who are active or were active cheaters in the recent past, I have inferred that the cheating virus just creeps up on you while you are busy living your life. It is insidious and it starts with actions and attitudes which are perfectly genuine and authentic initially but like cancer cells which spring from normal healthy cells, these actions develop in a direction different from their original path. Your wife saying that she has fallen out of love with you and her wanting to separate are red flags you can ignore at your peril.

 

I would say you look at it from her point of view. She has lost respect for you as the man of the house over a period of time and probably thinks you are an albatross around her neck. She probably thinks she has to carry you as an extra load along with the stressful load of her high flying career. At the work place she comes across many men in leadership roles who are active, decisive in their decision making capacity, exude power and authority as I mentioned before and who are high income earners. When she mentally compares you to these men you just do not measure up. The net result is that she gradually loses respect for you and as I said that turns, or has already turned, into contempt for you. The gap between you and those of her contemporaries in her company is an ever widening one and she has reached the stage where she feels that she is stuck with you. She has therefore gradually been distancing herself emotionally from you and it has now reached the stage where she wants a separation. In the meanwhile she may have already chosen her next beau from among the pool that is available in her company or better still, someone equally desirable but from another company who she may have met in an official capacity. I think you are in pretty deep water and as I said before you will have to make strenuous efforts to get out of this hole that you have dug for yourself and then move ahead with confidence and elan to better your position in the corporate world. You can ignore warnings like this at your own peril. Lets put it this way, you are in outer space in a crippled spaceship and you are fast running out of oxygen. You have to do some really fast thinking to be able to repair your spaceship enough for it to get back to Earth otherwise you are doomed. You have to hit the ground running.

 

I also wanted to ask you something. How long have you and your wife been married and were you in a full time job when you started dating her? If you were holding a job then was it a really well paying one? Also who made the decision that you should quit your job and become a SAHD, your wife, you or was it a mutual decision implemented consensually? Did both of you discuss the ramifications of your leaving your job to become a SAHD especially, in so far as the effect of giving up your job would have on your emotional well being and particularly on your ego? It would help to have these details to be able to understand your situation better. Best wishes.

Edited October 7, 2018 by Just a Guy

[JuneL]

If I were you (of course you’re not me), I would make plans for having real a full-time job working away from home, instead of something flexible that allows you to stay home for the kids. Taking care of the kids should be your joint responsibility. Your kids will be old enough to go to school by the time you figure things out. Hire a housekeeper/nanny when necessary. When you’re divorced, you’ll be entitled to half of your joint assets and will share 50% custody with her. Hopefully you’ll have a serious full-time job by then, and don’t need alimony or child support. If I were you, I would give myself a deadline (e.g., one year) to accomplish this clean reset. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with taking some part-time gigs during the transition period. I would focus on my reset plan, instead of wasting time on thinking about what she wants. This reset plan will force you to do lots of self-improvement anyway.

 

But of course, you’re not me...

 

Thanks for the reply,

I think you are right, and I am looking into some work that will be flexible enough for me to take care of the kids and make some cash, I am assuming I will have no choice at the moment. Its not easy to drop back into the work force after being out for so long but I gotta start somewhere. I gotta say, being a temporary single parent is hard, making it permanent would really suck. No family where we live so its all me or payed help when she is out of town.

 

If she is cheating, it would be a complete shock to me and our mutual friends. She talks about co-workers that have cheating spouses with sadness and is not kind about those that she knows are cheating; she even says that if there was a reason to be suspicious with a partner then its over anyway. I think I am lucky to be with (for now) a genuinely honest and loyal person. Several here have suggested looking into her email and phone, but I think invading her privacy is a terrible idea. I could, I have all her passwords, control all finances etc., but I wont do it, I feel guilty if I see accidentally see a text pop on her phone.

[JuneL]

You can find the answers to all those questions in this thread.

 

OP: Not that it matters at this point. But have you heard of those anti-gay politicians who turned out to be gay themselves?

 

Hi GinON, some of the most unlikely candidates for indulging in cheating have fallen into the trap. Even those who were vociferous critics of cheating and cheaters have suddenly found themselves in the cheating game. From many of the accounts that I have read here of people who are active or were active cheaters in the recent past, I have inferred that the cheating virus just creeps up on you while you are busy living your life. It is insidious and it starts with actions and attitudes which are perfectly genuine and authentic initially but like cancer cells which spring from normal healthy cells, these actions develop in a direction different from their original path. Your wife saying that she has fallen out of love with you and her wanting to separate are red flags you can ignore at your peril.

 

I would say you look at it from her point of view. She has lost respect for you as the man of the house over a period of time and probably thinks you are an albatross around her neck. She probably thinks she has to carry you as an extra load along with the stressful load of her high flying career. At the work place she comes across many men in leadership roles who are active, decisive in their decision making capacity, exude power and authority as I mentioned before and who are high income earners. When she mentally compares you to these men you just do not measure up. The net result is that she gradually loses respect for you and as I said that turns, or has already turned, into contempt for you. The gap between you and those of her contemporaries in her company is an ever widening one and she has reached the stage where she feels that she is stuck with you. She has therefore gradually been distancing herself emotionally from you and it has now reached the stage where she wants a separation. In the meanwhile she may have already chosen her next beau from among the pool that is available in her company or better still, someone equally desirable but from another company who she may have met in an official capacity. I think you are in pretty deep water and as I said before you will have to make strenuous efforts to get out of this hole that you have dug for yourself and then move ahead with confidence and elan to better your position in the corporate world. You can ignore warnings like this at your own peril. Lets put it this way, you are in outer space in a crippled spaceship and you are fast running out of oxygen. You have to do some really fast thinking to be able to repair your spaceship enough for it to get back to Earth otherwise you are doomed. You have to hit the ground running.

 

I also wanted to ask you something. How long have you and your wife been married and were you in a full time job when you started dating her? If you were holding a job then was it a really well paying one? Also who made the decision that you should quit your job and become a SAHD, your wife, you or was it a mutual decision implemented consensually? Did both of you discuss the ramifications of your leaving your job to become a SAHD especially, in so far as the effect of giving up your job would have on your emotional well being and particularly on your ego? It would help to have these details to be able to understand your situation better. Best wishes.

[Peppa]

Thank you GinON for posting this. I am in a similar situation, except that I am the breadwinning wife and my husband is the SAHM. It is a miserable situation and I shed many tears while reading your thread. It helped me to get the courage to give my husband a deadline for getting a job. It absolutely broke my heart to do this because he should have taken the initiative himself. A working woman is a driven, strong, determined woman and that type of woman is emotionally destroyed by a passive man. It’s really hard for me to put into words the way a situation like this can sap a woman of all feelings of femininity and desirability.

 

Fortunately, PRW did a great job of explaining the demoralizing effect this imbalanced situation has on a wife, and thus, a husband. PRW’s words helped me to bring up the reasons why I feel such resentment toward my husband in a logical, rational way. As a result, my husband sent out some résumés and made a telephone inquiry about a job today. I was finally able to express that I don’t feel safe, secure, valued, or loved when he is not working to provide for our family. There is a huge emotional burden that goes into being the breadwinner too. My husband isn’t the one stressing over how we’re going to pay the bills. I am. I need him to work too in order to relieve me of some of that burden.

 

Anyway, I’m sure it wasn’t easy pouring your heart out on the internet, but I’m glad you did. Maybe two marriages will be saved as a result of your actions!

[JuneL]

Is your husband taking care of your kids with before-school age and handling all the housework too?

 

Thank you GinON for posting this. I am in a similar situation, except that I am the breadwinning wife and my husband is the SAHM. It is a miserable situation and I shed many tears while reading your thread. It helped me to get the courage to give my husband a deadline for getting a job. It absolutely broke my heart to do this because he should have taken the initiative himself. A working woman is a driven, strong, determined woman and that type of woman is emotionally destroyed by a passive man. It’s really hard for me to put into words the way a situation like this can sap a woman of all feelings of femininity and desirability.

 

Fortunately, PRW did a great job of explaining the demoralizing effect this imbalanced situation has on a wife, and thus, a husband. PRW’s words helped me to bring up the reasons why I feel such resentment toward my husband in a logical, rational way. As a result, my husband sent out some résumés and made a telephone inquiry about a job today. I was finally able to express that I don’t feel safe, secure, valued, or loved when he is not working to provide for our family. There is a huge emotional burden that goes into being the breadwinner too. My husband isn’t the one stressing over how we’re going to pay the bills. I am. I need him to work too in order to relieve me of some of that burden.

 

Anyway, I’m sure it wasn’t easy pouring your heart out on the internet, but I’m glad you did. Maybe two marriages will be saved as a result of your actions!

[vla1120]

Thank you GinON for posting this. I am in a similar situation, except that I am the breadwinning wife and my husband is the SAHM. It is a miserable situation and I shed many tears while reading your thread. It helped me to get the courage to give my husband a deadline for getting a job. It absolutely broke my heart to do this because he should have taken the initiative himself. A working woman is a driven, strong, determined woman and that type of woman is emotionally destroyed by a passive man. It’s really hard for me to put into words the way a situation like this can sap a woman of all feelings of femininity and desirability.

 

Fortunately, PRW did a great job of explaining the demoralizing effect this imbalanced situation has on a wife, and thus, a husband. PRW’s words helped me to bring up the reasons why I feel such resentment toward my husband in a logical, rational way. As a result, my husband sent out some résumés and made a telephone inquiry about a job today. I was finally able to express that I don’t feel safe, secure, valued, or loved when he is not working to provide for our family. There is a huge emotional burden that goes into being the breadwinner too. My husband isn’t the one stressing over how we’re going to pay the bills. I am. I need him to work too in order to relieve me of some of that burden.

 

Anyway, I’m sure it wasn’t easy pouring your heart out on the internet, but I’m glad you did. Maybe two marriages will be saved as a result of your actions!

 

I also wondered if your husband does all the housework, getting the kids to/from school (or watching them at home, etc.) I have always been the main breadwinner and, as long as my husband was contributing at home, it just never bothered me or made me feel resentful, less of a woman, etc. But then, our role reversal was really complete. I also did all the home repairs, electrical, plumbing and otherwise. My husband could barely replace a lightbulb.

 

I am glad you have found a way to talk to him. I just wanted to say that having role reversal does not mean you're less feminine or desirable. Those are the limitations and expectations that society puts on us. If anything, your self-esteem should be through the roof! Look at you, providing for your family and taking care of business. Mad props! Good luck with everything!

[Peppa]

Is your husband taking care of your kids with before-school age and handling all the housework too?

 

Unfortunately, he is not doing these things at the level in which they need to be done. I would still feel awful being the breadwinner even if he did these things well. However, I wouldn’t resent him and I would feel less stressed out.

[Peppa]

I also wondered if your husband does all the housework, getting the kids to/from school (or watching them at home, etc.) I have always been the main breadwinner and, as long as my husband was contributing at home, it just never bothered me or made me feel resentful, less of a woman, etc. But then, our role reversal was really complete. I also did all the home repairs, electrical, plumbing and otherwise. My husband could barely replace a lightbulb.

 

I am glad you have found a way to talk to him. I just wanted to say that having role reversal does not mean you're less feminine or desirable. Those are the limitations and expectations that society puts on us. If anything, your self-esteem should be through the roof! Look at you, providing for your family and taking care of business. Mad props! Good luck with everything!

 

Thank you for your kind words! I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done. I just feel very undesirable around him because he doesn’t show very much gumption towards caring for me and our son. We are literally about to lose our house and he was just passively accepting it while I’m scrambling to come up with more money as quickly as I can. I’m also in school right now in order to greatly increase my earning power, but that’s not an immediate fix. I am the sole protector, provider, and problem-solver. It’s just too much to bear. Hopefully, he comes through for us.

[GinON]

Thank you for your kind words! I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done. I just feel very undesirable around him because he doesn’t show very much gumption towards caring for me and our son. We are literally about to lose our house and he was just passively accepting it while I’m scrambling to come up with more money as quickly as I can. I’m also in school right now in order to greatly increase my earning power, but that’s not an immediate fix. I am the sole protector, provider, and problem-solver. It’s just too much to bear. Hopefully, he comes through for us.

 

Good luck and thanks for posting your response to my thread. I would be very happy to hear of some success.

[vla1120]

Thank you for your kind words! I am proud of myself for doing what needs to be done. I just feel very undesirable around him because he doesn’t show very much gumption towards caring for me and our son. We are literally about to lose our house and he was just passively accepting it while I’m scrambling to come up with more money as quickly as I can. I’m also in school right now in order to greatly increase my earning power, but that’s not an immediate fix. I am the sole protector, provider, and problem-solver. It’s just too much to bear. Hopefully, he comes through for us.

 

Oh man, this post did take me back to a time when I was working 12-14 hour days and going to school at night to increase my earnings, too. At that time, he was working, but not to his potential. We were also dangerously close to losing our home. He was content to let me work my tail off to make more money while he kept a job he liked (parks and rec - groundskeeper for baseball fields, a seasonal job) rather than go out and look for a more permanent, higher income job. Before we got any deeper in financial trouble, I decided to sell the house and move to something I could afford on my income alone with money to spare. I gave him the option of coming with us or going his own way. Either way, I was going to get out from under that house and I did not give him much of a choice. It probably was not the best thing for me to do. Some might say it was disrespectful to my husband, but I felt he left me no choice because he didn't seem inclined to pitch in and pay his fair share! He ended up coming with us. We were together for another 18 years after that. So, in retrospect, maybe I did lose some respect for my husband because he was just never as driven as I was in his "career." Again, I never minded being the main breadwinner, but I DID mind the expectation that I would be the responsible one and provide for my family while he was free to have his little side jobs and take time for golf trips, etc. He lost more than one job because he would leave work early, or take a day off to play softball. Sorry. I didn't mean to make that about me. After I read your post, a flood of memories came back.

 

It sounds like your husband better realize pretty quickly how lucky he is and do whatever he needs to do to help you with your house and your family! Do you think marriage counseling would help?

[Just a Guy]

Wow! Some of these stories are just mind boggling. Hats off to those of you ladies who have been shouldering these family burdens like Atlas while your husbands sat on their a**** and twiddled their thumbs. I am sorry but as a man I would feel completely emasculated if I had to depend on my wife to bring in the moolah while I sat at home doing house keeping. It is not that house keeping and looking after children is not hard work. It is and the worst thing is that sometimes it is not very motivating. I have always been in awe of the way my wife has managed our household affairs and kept things ship shape. I would have been completely at sea without her. Having said that it is just something about being a man that engenders a desire to be the primary provider for your family. In that respect I guess I am old school. I could never have been able to accept being a SAHD and live with myself.

 

On another note both Via and Peppa(Why does that name make me think of Peppa the Pig?)have raised some very valid and telling points for GinON to mull over. I think the gravity of his situation still eludes him. Ifhe does not do something soon and pull up his socks he is headed for trouble in my opinion. Best wishes.