Do I initiate contact after NC?

[riverdeep33]

I wonder if anyone could help advise me as to whether I, as the dumpee should make contact with my ex after NC.

 

Long story short...

- he left me after 5 years, checking out as I was pushing him away. I realised when it was too late. Everything else about us was perfect.

- spent 4 months making it up to him, we started dating each other again etc. He had his barriers up but was trying.

- after 4 months on a string I asked the question to start again. He said he needs more time so I stopped trying.

- since we have talked, we both feel strongly for each other and said he needs space.

- since then he’s been seen online looking for mr right!

- I made all the usual mistakes of contacting him and kicking off like a fool, then apologising for kicking off.

 

Now I don’t know whether I should, in a month + time when I’m calmer reach out or leave it to him?

 

I really don’t want to let him go and I firmly believe we can work through this and I’ve taken responsibility and said as such.

 

That said, I’ve thrown all I can at it for 4 months, part of me thinks if he wants me, he knows where I am.

 

He’s the type to draw a line under things and not over think, so my worry is that if I don’t contact him, by his nature, he never will.

 

Whilst I’m the original issue, I also think that 4 months of effort should have been enough for him and he said it was, but clearly not enough.

 

I’m more accepting that’s it’s over, but I desperately want him to just reach out. I’ve said in my last contact that I won’t initiate contact again and I’ll respect his wishes, but I really do want to fight.

 

Maybe leaving him to contact is all I can do now?

[d0nnivain]

Reconciliation requires communication, a desire by both parties & for both parties to do the work to fix what's wrong. He wants none of that.

 

If you reach out to him now that you have already broken up 2x, all you do is debase yourself.

 

There is no "after" NC. NC is forever. It is you no longer chasing somebody you can't have who doesn't want you.

 

He doesn't want "time" to think. He wants out. He's simply using the wrong word because he's trying to soften the blow.

 

Instead of ruminating about how to get him back, you need to be focused on your own healing. How are you going to survive this break up & come out stronger on the other end?

[riverdeep33]

Instead of ruminating about how to get him back, you need to be focused on your own healing. How are you going to survive this break up & come out stronger on the other end?

 

That’s the bit I don’t know how to accept. I don’t know how to survive it. I just can’t see a future without him.

 

Maybe he will find a way back to me. Who knows but I can’t wait for him, I know that.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately the part you can't accept is your new reality. You want him back & you are in pain. Unfortunately, for him it's over. You can't will him back. All you can do is control yourself. The sooner you start working on that, the better you will feel.

[basil67]

Donnivain said exactly what I was going to say...but I will repeat it as good measure. There is no contact after No Contact. No Contact is for getting over each other. Not speaking will not fix relationship problems.

 

You strung him along, he got fed up and left. Making apologies and taking responsibility won't undo the past. You need to continue with NC until you no longer care about him.

[riverdeep33]

Donnivain said exactly what I was going to say...but I will repeat it as good measure. There is no contact after No Contact. No Contact is for getting over each other. Not speaking will not fix relationship problems.

 

You strung him along, he got fed up and left. Making apologies and taking responsibility won't undo the past. You need to continue with NC until you no longer care about him.

 

I accept what you’re saying but I think it wasn’t quite stringing him along. I just had a lot of issues to deal with which pushed him away.

 

Accepting is over is a valid point but I don’t know how to accept it.

[d0nnivain]

It's as easy as saying the words, "I know it's over." No that is not magic & of course you won't be miraculously better but it's a start.

 

What's your other option? If you reach out he will either ignore you or he will break your heart all over again by point blank telling you to go away. His rejections will become increasingly more cruel & nasty as you fail to get the message. If you make a complete pest of yourself you could find yourself facing criminal charges for stalking & harassment.

 

Accepting defeat & focusing on your own healing seems like the better path.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really don’t want to let him go and I firmly believe we can work through this and I’ve taken responsibility and said as such.

 

He doesn't agree, and he already let go. You don't have much choice here anymore, OP. He already made the decision that it's over for him. Launching a campaign to make him change his mind is futile, as you now know.

 

Yes, it hurts like hell but he doesn't want to date you anymore. It's going to take time for you to accept it, but you can't keep living in denial either. It's not healthy and will only hurt you in the end.

 

As the others have said, there is no "contact after No Contact." No Contact should be indefinite. He knows where you are, so you should not be reaching out to him for any reason at this point. He isn't The One for you, and he knows it.

[riverdeep33]

It's as easy as saying the words, "I know it's over." No that is not magic & of course you won't be miraculously better but it's a start.

 

What's your other option? If you reach out he will either ignore you or he will break your heart all over again by point blank telling you to go away. His rejections will become increasingly more cruel & nasty as you fail to get the message. If you make a complete pest of yourself you could find yourself facing criminal charges for stalking & harassment.

 

Accepting defeat & focusing on your own healing seems like the better path.

 

I hear you.

 

I don’t think I’d ever get to the point of stalking. I know I have to stop now and im prepared to stop. This has just hit me harder than any relationship I’ve ever had so it’s one hell of a personal challenge.

[d0nnivain]

Understood. You are closer to acceptance then you give yourself credit for. Hang in there. Keep posting here. Surround yourself with good friends & comfort food. I suspect there is a pint of ice cream calling your name.

[riverdeep33]

Understood. You are closer to acceptance then you give yourself credit for. Hang in there. Keep posting here. Surround yourself with good friends & comfort food. I suspect there is a pint of ice cream calling your name.

 

Thanks. I figure I have to find a way through this. I’ve no idea how anyone does! Credit to those who have as I have no idea! I’m deliberately avoiding alcohol for the obvious reasons.

 

I stupidly booked a holiday to Spain mid grief which flies tomorrow - on my own. Dreading it now and debating on taking the hit and not going.

[d0nnivain]

Go! You will be shocked at what you find out about yourself on that trip. Even if going through the motions is painful, when you look back on it you will be proud of yourself for being so brave.

[riverdeep33]

Go! You will be shocked at what you find out about yourself on that trip. Even if going through the motions is painful, when you look back on it you will be proud of yourself for being so brave.

 

I just see myself walking round crying thinking he should be with me! I suppose it’ll be an experience I guess. -

 

Good or bad!

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks. I figure I have to find a way through this. I’ve no idea how anyone does! Credit to those who have as I have no idea! I’m deliberately avoiding alcohol for the obvious reasons.

 

I stupidly booked a holiday to Spain mid grief which flies tomorrow - on my own. Dreading it now and debating on taking the hit and not going.

 

Don't you dare!

 

Get on that plane tomorrow. Create some new memories for yourself, get out of the house, see some beautiful places.

[riverdeep33]

Don't you dare!

 

Get on that plane tomorrow. Create some new memories for yourself, get out of the house, see some beautiful places.

 

I suppose it will be a useful distraction for me, but as said, it’s going to be a hurtful and very lonely experience. It’s the night times I’m dreading tbh. God knows what to do on my own.

 

I do feel so guilty going round in circles on here. I hear the same messages of advice and I find myself having to tell my head to stop thinking he is coming back; I literally find myself saying it out loud. I’ve no idea when I’ll accept that.

 

Time isn’t something that can be rushed, yet I need it to, to get through this.

[d0nnivain]

Don't feel guilty. You are in a bad place & kinda stuck right now. Here is a good place to work through that. You are also doing good for yourself by taking that trip.

[Minneloa]

RD,

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Please keep posting & processing your thoughts and feelings. What you are experiencing is totally normal; it takes a while for the reality to sink in. As much as possible, try not to think too far into the future, which can be paralyzing. Just focus on today, doing something nice for yourself (even just a cup of coffee/tea or a hot bath can be soothing) reaching out for support here or irl, staying NC. i think the trip is a great idea, though I understand why you are dreading it.

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

[marky00]

Donnivain said exactly what I was going to say...but I will repeat it as good measure. There is no contact after No Contact. No Contact is for getting over each other. Not speaking will not fix relationship problems.

 

You strung him along, he got fed up and left. Making apologies and taking responsibility won't undo the past. You need to continue with NC until you no longer care about him.

 

I don't see how he was stringing him along. Sounds like the OP was going through some issues and the dumper just lost attraction for the OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see how he was stringing him along. Sounds like the OP was going through some issues and the dumper just lost attraction for the OP.

 

I think basil is referring to the problems outlined in OP's other thread, in which OP wouldn't move in with him and kept him at arm's length (while still together) I do agree the ex lost attraction, too, and is now ready to move on.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/662081-nc-my-ex-where-do-i-go

[SpecialJ]

I've read both your threads. I am sorry this happened and agree that reconciliation prospects certainly don't look good in the short term. Possibly ever.

 

However, I want to share a slightly different perspective. First, my thoughts on him. Which I'm getting out of the way, but shouldn't be your main focus (your main focus should be you!) But I understand how you feel and that you're not ready to totally shift focus yet.

 

You're taking everything that happened really personally and not just believing what your ex had to say. Is he someone who has been consistent and open over the course of your relationship? Do you have any real reason to doubt what he's said, aside from you're having difficulty separating yourself from the situation and your anxiety and pain is clouding your judgement? If he has shown any signs of commitmentphobia, maybe he does have his own issues to work out? He did just spend, what, two of the last five years trying to work things out with you... someone unavailable to him... without walking away until now. Believe it or not, sticking around like that is actually not a healthy or secure behavior. Trying to repair all of that in four months is nothing.

 

But sticking around in that situation can also really change a person. It's murder on your self-esteem, which he's now had to rebuild. The constant uncertainty can wear at feelings. Plus, you started dating when he was in his early 20s, and now he's done with college and 26. There is a significant shift in people at those ages as they learn who they are and how to adult. He's not going to be the same person now as he was then, and he probably does need time to figure all that out. Then there's the issue of rebuilding trust. He may not know the answer, but had you ever asked him what he needs from you to make him feel secure and rebuild trust? Or were you just doing what you think you'd like if someone was trying to win you back?

 

The Internet dating means nothing. My ex and I were trying to reconcile but he's the one who kept going push/pull on me, so I had my options open. Yet, I would have gladly gone all in with him if he was truly ready, and he wasn't (he wasn't putting in the effort you did). To an onlooker, they'd just see my profile had been long active.

 

And you don't need to unfriend him on social media yet, but you absolutely need to unfollow him on everything, and silence any news of him unless he reaches out to you directly.

 

Now, onto you. You want your ex now that he's left. When he was available to you, you were avoidant, shut down, withdrawn, scared. Now, you're anxious and obsessed. I'm glad you've started therapy, as it sounds like you need to really focus on figuring yourself out if you truly want a healthy and non-toxic committed relationship one day. Are you familiar with attachment theory? Is that something you've discussed with your therapist? If not, you may want to look into something called Fearful Avoidant insecure attachment (which may help explain your feelings in a way that isn't, I was undecided for 4 years so something about my partner wasn't right for me). It doesn't sound like the only potential issue, if you've also been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts etc, but it may strike a chord with you and help you further understand yourself and what you may need to face to truly start healing and showing up for yourself. In general in life, not even in regards to this relationship. The goal is to eventually heal enough to make yourself happy first, then use that strength to show up as a secure partner in a relationship.

 

My personal opinion here is you need to let your ex go for now because you need everything you've got to prioritize and work on yourself. And not for your ex, but for yourself! You sound very unhappy with where you are, and you're truly the only person who can change that. If the stars align and you two can manage to reconnect romantically, it's never going to work out if you both stay stuck as you are, where you are. It will cycle and repeat... this I know from experience. I wouldn't count on that either way because you never know what will happen. But you'll be better off no matter what if you can turn inward and learn to give yourself the love you're trying to get from him right now.

 

I hope this is helpful. Good luck on your journey

[marky00]

I think basil is referring to the problems outlined in OP's other thread, in which OP wouldn't move in with him and kept him at arm's length (while still together) I do agree the ex lost attraction, too, and is now ready to move on.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/662081-nc-my-ex-where-do-i-go

 

Maybe ... I don't think I will read the other post but just another view here.

 

Heartbroken dumpees will come on here and talk about all their mistakes etc and pretty much just let the dumper off the hook.

 

When someone just moves on like the OP's ex has, you have to question how much love there was on the dumper's side of the equation (from the outset).

 

The situation you describe is more like the "forced dumper" who finally leaves after being sick of being mistreated etc. But these dumpers come on LS expressing dumper's remorse and claim they would actually like to hear from the person they dumped in some capacity.

 

The OP's ex has ridden off in the distance and really does seem fine about it. That can indeed be very hurtful to the dumpee but rather than pointing the finger at the dumpee for such a dramatic shift in feelings, its probably more realistic to suggest that the dumper was either never fully invested or checked out independent of what the dumpee was doing.

 

Yes, they probably would have stayed longer if the dumpee exhibited perfect behavior but they likely would have never been 100 percent invested.

Edited August 27, 2018 by marky00

[riverdeep33]

I've read both your threads. I am sorry this happened and agree that reconciliation prospects certainly don't look good in the short term. Possibly ever.

 

 

Thank you both for your comments.

I feel like I’m in an impossible situation.

 

I know the cliche of “he was the one” etc, but this guy genuinely was and is. I can’t explain the strength of the connection. I’ve not had this from anyone and I’d do anything to get him back. Whilst I have emphasised me pushing him away, we had a LOT of amazing times together; we got on so well, I genuinely do feel like I’ve lost my soul mate. I don’t want a world without him and I feel like I’ve done all I can to show I that this time there is no going back.

 

I know people say he doesn’t feel the same and clearly a large part of him doesn’t, but even up to last week he was telling me he loves me and just needs time. He said I couldn’t do any more and he doesn’t want me to either. Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away when he renaiged on getting back together, but I felt like I was being used with no reciprocated feelings.

 

Whilst the online dating thing isn’t ultimately the issue, I asked him outright and he said he 100% wasn’t and wanted to sort things with me. That’s where the deceit is with me.

 

I know I have to walk away and I’ve stupidly broken NC so many times. As usual he’s ignored my emotives, but still responded. I’ve now deleted contact details off my phone.

 

Maybe he never was on the same page as me, but if that’s the case it was one hell of an illusion because we were crazy about each other.

 

I desperately want him to come back to me. I know I have to walk away but even if he arrives at the conclusion he wants me, he will never make contact so I keep feeling I have to make it happen. Then by attempting so, I make it worse.

 

I am working on myself but i simply don’t want to be here without him. I wish I was being dramatic there but it’s true.

 

I decided to get on the plane and come to Spain. It has been horrific so far. I feel utterly alone and can’t stop randomly breaking down crying. I shouldn’t have come.

 

I’ve been such a fool and lost the only person that really matters to me. Without question, my biggest regret and I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m really not coping.

Edited August 27, 2018 by riverdeep33

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe ... I don't think I will read the other post but just another view here.

 

The situation you describe is more like the "forced dumper" who finally leaves after being sick of being mistreated etc. But these dumpers come on LS expressing dumper's remorse and claim they would actually like to hear from the person they dumped in some capacity.

 

The OP's ex has ridden off in the distance and really does seem fine about it. That can indeed be very hurtful to the dumpee but rather than pointing the finger at the dumpee for such a dramatic shift in feelings, its probably more realistic to suggest that the dumper was either never fully invested or checked out independent of what the dumpee was doing.

 

I suggest you do. You are missing a lot of context and background which would illustrate that OP's situation and the end of the relationship are not exactly what you describe above.

Edited August 27, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[SpecialJ]

I’m really not coping.

 

 

I agree. I hope you just hit quote on my message quickly and didn't only read the first couple of lines, because to only say that the prospects aren't good wasn't my point at all. I was suggesting more productive ways to cope so you can strengthen yourself to handle whatever comes your way next. I hope you'll consider it after your trip. For now, remember you don't have to make every decision right away. Try to distract and enjoy yourself while you are traveling... give yourself this short break... these issues will still exist when you get back!

[riverdeep33]

I agree. I hope you just hit quote on my message quickly and didn't only read the first couple of lines, because to only say that the prospects aren't good wasn't my point at all. I was suggesting more productive ways to cope so you can strengthen yourself to handle whatever comes your way next. I hope you'll consider it after your trip. For now, remember you don't have to make every decision right away. Try to distract and enjoy yourself while you are traveling... give yourself this short break... these issues will still exist when you get back!

 

Yes, sorry I did read it all, every last bit and it was very helpful; thank you. I will talk more over with my counsellor upon return. If I somehow get through this, I don’t think I’ll ever make sense of it all.

 

I wish he’d just be willing to sit down with a third party and be utterly open but those opportunities have past and I must leave him be.

 

I just don’t know how to cope. I need to get home i think. Being here totally alone is making me worse.