How to tell my friend her new BF can't join

[Standard-Fare]

So I've invited a few friends to a vacation house my aunt owns and has generously offered for a weekend. Right now it's planned as a group of seven (including two toddlers). The adults are all in our 30s and have known each other forever.

 

My friend "Kelly" just threw me a curveball, though: She texted me saying "I'll invite [her new boyfriend of less than two months]. I want you guys to meet him."

 

I do respect the second sentence, and I do want to meet him at some point, but I don't appreciate the way she handled that—not asking, just telling.

 

I also don't feel this is the right trip for the guy to join. One, it messes up the bedroom logistics. Two, I just think adding a newbie will change the dynamics of what was envisioned as a sleepy, family-oriented weekend with old friends. Does this guy really want to hang out with two toddlers he's never met?

 

I wouldn't go as far as telling Kelly: "Nope, you can't bring this guy" but is there anything more subtle I can say/do to make her rethink the idea?

[d0nnivain]

You have to tell her he's not welcome. Don't suggest just say it outright.

 

Kelly as much as I want to meet your new guy, this weekend at my Aunt's beach house is not the right time or place. I'

m

sorry but I can't fit an extra man into the mix. If you can't come without him, I'll understand & will miss you. I think they may still have room at [name the closest motel with the distance from the Aunt's house]. You two could stay there & hang with us during the day & for dinner.

 

She's wrong for adding somebody else without asking. If she asked, I would tell you to pipe down about the ask & say no anyway but not to be mad at her. Her foisting him on you is wrong.

[Standard-Fare]

@d0nnivain, I don't know if I have it in me to be that firm with her, but I might go with a softer version of your suggestion.

 

Like, "Hey, I'd like to meet him but I'm not sure this is the best weekend with the toddlers etc, and the bedroom situation could get tricky."

 

If she persists after that, I'm not sure, I guess I'd just accept it.

 

She is normally a very considerate and conscientious person so the faux-pas was out of character for her. My guess is that she's caught up in the head rush of new love and wants to be with this guy all the time, so she's probably not thinking too clearly about appropriate boundaries in social situations.

[anika99]

Are other people bringing their boyfriends or girlfriends? If not, then it should be easy enough to say this is a friends weekend only, no dates allowed.

[d0nnivain]

What about your other guests. Do the parents of the toddlers want a new man around? Being flexible is fine for adults; not so much when kids are in the mix.

 

I think it will do more harm to your relationship to have him show up & you resent them both all weekend.

[Standard-Fare]

We have two married couples going (each with a toddler), me (single), and my friend Kelly. So the "no dates allowed" rule wouldn't even really be relevant.

 

I think my other friends would accept a new guest into the mix, but like me, be a little weirded out by it. I'd definitely give them a heads up and I'd expect their reaction to be like "What? .... well, ok, I guess..."

 

I can't decide if this is a big enough to deal to have that tense moment of confrontation with Kelly. I try to save those things for bigger types of conflicts.

While Kelly is being frustratingly clueless here, I think her intentions are innocent.

[preraph]

You have to tell her he's not welcome. Don't suggest just say it outright.

 

Kelly as much as I want to meet your new guy, this weekend at my Aunt's beach house is not the right time or place. I'

m

sorry but I can't fit an extra man into the mix. If you can't come without him, I'll understand & will miss you. I think they may still have room at [name the closest motel with the distance from the Aunt's house]. You two could stay there & hang with us during the day & for dinner.

 

She's wrong for adding somebody else without asking. If she asked, I would tell you to pipe down about the ask & say no anyway but not to be mad at her. Her foisting him on you is wrong.

 

She's the one who was rude for just inviting an extra guest. So don't worry about offending her, but do what D0nnivain suggest exactly. Or if you don't even want him there, don't do the part about the motel because they might come and insist they'll sleep on the couch or something.

[losangelena]

I vote for say something. Do it however softly you want. I'm at a place in my life that I don't put up with BS and would def lay down the law, but we all have different styles. You don't have to lay the smack down necessarily, even having a conversation about why what she said bothered you is a good start. Your friend needs to realize where she went wrong. If you don't speak up, you're laying the foundation for resentment to take root.

[d0nnivain]

With the new details of the composition of the other guests, 2 couples, plus you & her, I can sorta kinda see where your friend thought it would be OK to bring the new guy. It looks a bit like a couples weekend even though you are single. It was still rude of her to presume rather than ask.

 

If you want to be passive aggressive about it, tell her that her & her new guy are getting relegated to the pull out couch or air mattress in the living room. Don't you dare give up your bed / privacy for her.