How can I regain trust and get over paranoia??

[Centain88]

So, recently I've been having a really rough time in my relationship with my partner of just over a year.. For starters we have been arguing and fighting a lot this past month and admittedly, the majority of that is probably my fault due to how I tend to deal with things and how I speak to him when I'm upset.. i know I can be really mean and difficult at times which is definitely not helpful.. Anyway about a week ago I saw some text messages come up on his iPad after I turned the wifi on.. I didn't see much of the convo but just something about it gave me the impression it was a female talking even tho he said it was a dude.. I didn't push for details at that stage but I did take note of the number and then the next day I did a bit of googling and figured out it was a woman and I pretty much lost my at him and demanded he send me screenshots of the entire convo which he didn't but said I could see them once he got home.. He told me he got her number through a friend because she can score drugs and he was after some and that that's how the convo started and it was just a basic "how u been etc etc" polite conversation.. I didn't push to see the convo again I just took his word for it even though deep down I felt there was a bit more to it.. The next day he had left his iPad in my car and I just couldn't help myself and went thru the whole convo. I wasn't happy at all with what I saw, the caring way he spoke to her and the subtle flirty remarks and also him saying he cared about her to comfort her when she was saying how nobody else did etc etc.. I took screenshots of it all so I could thoroughly read it and then, once again, I completely lost my at him. We both said some mean things and I stormed off saying I was leaving and he asked me to talk about it and we did and he answered all the questions I had and put it behind us (or so we thought). He had said she was ugly and had no attraction towards her and was trying to be friendly to someone who was having a hard time.. That really kinda hurt me because that's very similar to the situation when I first met him and it made me feel like I wasn't so special after all as he shows another woman the same sort of compassion.. I accepted his explanation though and he assured me it wouldn't happen again and that he didn't realise how much it would upset me..

During my hissy fit I had also texted her myself basically threatening her to stay away, telling her he said she was ugly and several other y things.. I told him I sent the messages and what I had said..

He kind of gasped when he hear how harsh I was and I can't blame him because it was nasty. Anyway fast forward a couple of days and I start thinking to myself "how could he really just never talk to her again and have her think he said she was ugly and all when he's such a nice person in that regard? Surely he MUST'VE secretly called or messaged or something just to apologise?". I got upset and paranoid about it and then accused him of it and then things blew up completely again and we had the worst fight we ever had with me demanding to get out of the truck in the middle of nowhere and him refusing to stop because he didn't want me hitch hiking or anything and me opening the door trying to jump out at 100 k/h.. (I wasn't really going to I'm pretty sure) but yeah it was really really bad.. This has definitely affected him and me a lot and no doubt put a strain on the relationship and he’s seemed rather down since that fight and we’ve both been snappy towards each other and it’s not nice.. I know I have some of my own issues such as anxiety/depression along with my PMDD and I’ve not yet seemed any help for it and I’ve said that I will because one of the things that affects him the most is the horrible way I speak to him and go off my head about stuff and I went ahead and made an appointment to get the ball rolling.. He’s agreed not to talk to that woman again and to not start new friendships with women in general where there is potential for it to become flirtatious. The issue I had was never that he had physically slept with or even touched anyone else, because I’m sure as he hasn’t done anything like that, I just find emotional stuff really hurtful and take it to heart and I made that clear so we have an understanding.

Now, although I haven’t brought her up again or bugged him about it, I still did search her up on social media because I felt like I just have to know what she looks like and stuff, and unfortunately I wasn’t real pleased with what I found. If it’s the right profile then it turns out she IS quite attractive, and I really do t see how he wouldn’t think so too since he is a man.. If I find her attractive as a straight female then how could he realistically not find her attractive? This has brought me a whole bunch of extra insecurities and negative thoughts about myself and about why he told me she was unattractive. Makes me wonder if he said that just so I wouldn’t freak out even more. She also appears to be quite independent and savvy, has a couple of little businesses and probably has a way more interesting day to day life than I do and wouldn’t depend on a partner if she got into a relationship and would probably contribute to it rather than being a financial drain like I pretty much am at the moment..?

Now I’m feeling even more depressed and insecure and I think to myself why wouldn’t he rather just be with her, as I have nothing to offer and don’t do anything real constructive, don’t have an income, and I’m moody a lot of the time.. All I’ve got going for me is my appearance and our sexual chemistry.. I’m not sure how to stop thinking about it and stop having this compulsion to look in his phone or iPad. I still feel really sad and hurt about the whole thing even though we’ve technically dealt with it and put it behind us.. I don’t want to hold onto the pain but it’s there. I don’t want to have any trust issues or paranoia but I still do deep down.

I just feel really low and worthless, and like I’m not enough as I am.. How do I get over it? Or, will I be able to fully get over it eventually? Or will I be an insecure wreck as long as we are together? I don’t want to be that kind of person..?

[preraph]

Well, i don't see any reason why you SHOULD regain trust. At minimum, he's making stupid decisions if it's even true he's trying to score online. If. He lied to you and said it was a guy. So he's got no problem lying to you. No, you don't need to regain trust. You need to regain your self-respect and dump this guy.

[BaileyB]

How do you regain trust and get over paranoia... choose wisely, next time find a more trustworthy partner.

[Centain88]

How can you tell that when you meet someone it’s basically impossible!

[BaileyB]

Two things jump off the page here.

 

One, he has given you new information that he may not be trustworthy. Do with that what you will...

 

And two, you need to get yourself together. Consider counselling, to develop your self esteem such that you feel better about yourself and you won't need to take out your insecurities and frustration on other people.

 

Good luck!

Edited August 25, 2018 by BaileyB

[Centain88]

I don’t feel like I’m taking my insecurities out on him as much as it’s so frustrating to me because I know if the situation were reversed and the convo was between me and some dude I’d met there is no way he would like it or handle it.. I know his boundaries and I’ve had enough respect for him not to cross them even if I knew could get away with it. If he considers it ok to do that then it should be perfectly fine for me to do the same in which case I wouldn’t need to feel so threatened. I’ve stopped a lot of social communications that I would’ve otherwise enjoyed simply because I care about my relationship. I feel that loyalty is more than just not touching someone else but also to reduce oravoid situations that have the potential to lead to infidelity, or a desire to be unfaithful. He admitted that some of the communications weren’t really appropriate and they were flirty in nature and that he wouldn’t like it if I did the same thing so if he recognises that he wouldn’t like it, then why would he still do it? Unless he values the temporary ego boost more than honesty and integrity?

[BaileyB]

He admitted that some of the communications weren’t really appropriate and they were flirty in nature and that he wouldn’t like it if I did the same thing so if he recognises that he wouldn’t like it, then why would he still do it?

 

Because he can. If you stay, you are showing him that this kind of behavior is acceptable to you - you will stay with him, regardless.

 

 

I know if the situation were reversed and the convo was between me and some dude I’d met there is no way he would like it or handle it.. I know his boundaries and I’ve had enough respect for him not to cross them even if I knew could get away with it. I’ve stopped a lot of social communications that I would’ve otherwise enjoyed simply because I care about my relationship.

 

He clearly doesn't feel the same way that you do. Knowing this, what are you going to do about it?

 

 

I don’t feel like I’m taking my insecurities out on him as much as it’s so frustrating to me because I know if the situation were reversed and the convo was between me and some dude I’d met there is no way he would like it or handle it.. If he considers it ok to do that then it should be perfectly fine for me to do the same in which case I wouldn’t need to feel so threatened.

 

This is the kind of emotional reasoning that gets people in trouble - the revenge affair.

 

And, if you think you wouldn't feel threatened if you had the ability to "do the same," think again. There is no place for this kind of "tit for tat" thinking in a healthy relationship. It's increadibly immature, and when you have sunk to that level in your relationship... You are really in trouble.

[maxi105]

well, cen88.....do you love him? can you trust him? what does he say about this other person (ask him again and talk about this with him properly rather than avoiding it, it is hurting you already and you need to try to sort this with him before your relationship gets even more depressing.

 

2 questions that you need to really think about is: Q...are you compatible, really?

 

:Q....if you love him, can you forgive him if its true (or not)?

 

then when you've considered these things it might be best for you to get some therapy and talk things out with a professional. it doesn't sound like this man is either supporting you over this, or giving you self esteem about it. so you need to find out if he really loves you or his feelings are changing.

 

maybe you both need to get therapy?

 

the one thing that doesn't sit easy for me is the fact that he said she was ugly!!!!! is your man gods gift then is he that good looking in himself?

 

so many guys say that about females when they themselves are not all that hot!!!!!! if she is ugly and he was only helping her...then whether she was not that attractive or not (if you were only helping someone who'd had a bad time of it) you would automatically help them surely, it wouldn't matter if they were good looking or not. you don't only give directions to someone lost in the street only if they are under 30 and have a good body and are dressed well, you help them because they need help!!!!! most people either decide to help or tell the person they don't know, how people are don't come into it unless its an ego thing, in which case the person asking will usually know that's whats going on.

 

saying she is ugly is either guilt to fob you off, or it is a sign of the mans pure vanity and ego for himself...and if he is in love with himself, then that will also be another reason why you are also feeling so down in your self esteem.

 

having read that part of that post I don't think the girl is ugly as he wouldn't be flirting with her (unless he is the sort of desperate guy who likes everyone to know he's around and likes attention regardless of whether the girl he is flirting with is even interested or not). and if he is flirting with anyone that is around does he really love you or think of love in the same way that you do, being loyal, trusting etc...

 

maybe he claimed she was "ugly" because he tried it on and she wasn't interested or she knocked him back or is taken...that might make him call her names or tell you that...but look, whatever the truth is, you need to get your own needs emotionally stable and self esteem made a lot stronger so you can deal with things in a more comfortable way for your health and happiness.

 

this gal aint gonna leave your head for some time I fear, so you need to get your own head sorted out and when it is stronger you really need to ask yourself is this man right for you (even if you manage to prove via talking to him or feel satisfied he isn't cheating).

 

what do your friends or family think of him, do they know about the fights you have? people don't often resort to nasty comments unless they are like that anyway as people, unless they are pretty insecure or not really with someone that can talk to them and they to you properly before things get that far.

 

only you will know the real answers and if you don't know them then you can think about them via people that know you both properly or with a bit of therapy.

 

I think you need to go see someone before you end up with even more self esteem taken from you, before you feel even more paranoid or frightened of what your partner is doing or how he feels or does without you etc...

 

 

I think you both have different standards of what is acceptable in a relationship around other people and unless you really consider whether this is still ok for you, then I think you are going to be even more unhappy or he may just call time on you guys together.

 

 

I think if you can get a professional take on things then it might give you a bit of inner confidence to look at things in a more clear and firm way for you. I think you are probably not wrong to suspect there is some kind of attraction if he's said already that he is flirty with this girl, but that doesn't mean anything yet has gone on....but what it does mean is that you need to sort your head out to become clear enough to be able to decide if you love this man, if he loves and respects you still and if you are prepared to tolerate a situation that if it happens again will make you even more anxious and suppressed as a partner.

 

I also think your relationship is an insecure one with him and I wonder whether his reason for staying with you is love or so not to hurt you?

 

look, I don't know you and have only read bits of your post, that's why im asking you to talk with (generally about what people that know you think of you and him as a couple, you don't have to tell them what's going on, unless you can 100% trust that they wont interfere or talk with him or get too involved etc..) and if you still feel the way you do, then honestly you need to speak to someone professional but who you can tell everything in confidence and they can give you the help to rebuild your broken confidence in yourself and what if might be that you are really lacking in either love or a close relationship with this man)…

 

good luck, you don't have to stay as unhappy as you sound...take care and listen to your heart and what those close have to say as it might help (with therapy) if you are still struggling with this. it might help you start to move forward, (with or without him).

 

see ya. maxi.

[preraph]

How can you tell that when you meet someone it’s basically impossible!

 

You usually can't. That's why you take plenty of time to get to know them before you let your emotions get overly involved and you take birth control.

[preraph]

I don’t feel like I’m taking my insecurities out on him as much as it’s so frustrating to me because I know if the situation were reversed and the convo was between me and some dude I’d met there is no way he would like it or handle it.. I know his boundaries and I’ve had enough respect for him not to cross them even if I knew could get away with it. If he considers it ok to do that then it should be perfectly fine for me to do the same in which case I wouldn’t need to feel so threatened. I’ve stopped a lot of social communications that I would’ve otherwise enjoyed simply because I care about my relationship. I feel that loyalty is more than just not touching someone else but also to reduce oravoid situations that have the potential to lead to infidelity, or a desire to be unfaithful. He admitted that some of the communications weren’t really appropriate and they were flirty in nature and that he wouldn’t like it if I did the same thing so if he recognises that he wouldn’t like it, then why would he still do it? Unless he values the temporary ego boost more than honesty and integrity?

 

Because he can. There's a lot of guys who aren't looking for one right woman to marry but are looking for as many women to have sex with as possible without the thing imploding on them.

[Redhead14]

The first thing you need to do is start treating yourself better! No more negative self-talk. Work on the things you're not happy with about yourself. Get a job, any job. Do something productive for yourself and things you get pleasure from and develop a sense of accomplishment. Stop looking to someone else to do all that for you. Kick yourself in the a*s now, otherwise, you will be in the same place mentally and emotionally for a long, long time.

 

This starts with you and from the inside! And, don't do it for him, you do it for YOURSELF. He may perk up a little bit when he sees the change, but I'd say he'd try to keep you "where" you were because it's convenient. And, he does drugs? So, you're also in a co-dependent relationship and enabling him. He gets to get high and shirk off troubles, etc. while you have to sit there suffering? BS. And, if you're doing drugs too, you're in for a world of hurt and will never be fully engaged with your life.

 

Stand up for yourself and start treating yourself with respect. When you do that, others will too. And forget about this guy. You need to find yourself and grow to be a strong, secure independent woman in your own right before you can have a healthy relationship. You deserve that.

Edited August 26, 2018 by Redhead14