Partner is threatening physical harm...Could you get over it?

[melaabon]

I will save the long drawn out drama, but need some advice. My fiancé of 3 years has been a bully to me and others. He just has that type of attitude about personal and professional issues.

 

Recently someone put something bad online about him ...and it is hurting his reputation. He has tried to get it down, but he can't. It looks like maybe it's from an ex girlfriend. But, it's substantial....it's calling him out for a DUI that he had expunged.

 

He suggests off and on...that it was created by me. I did not do this... but he claims over and over that it is me... because it appeared when we were not talking for a month....but he was dating all kinds of women during that time. We had gone no contact.

 

Today he told me he hired a former government hacker to find out who did it and he saw that it was done by someone in europe...and he suggested I paid someone to do it. He said that he would hire someone to murder or severely beat the person to give up the name of the person who hired him...and he would make sure he had someone murder that person...

 

He has said ridiculous things before... and never carries them out. In fact, he has eluded to this same scenario before and suggested he would be willing to murder them. Of course he didn't carry anything out.... or even try to find out.

 

But now it sounds like he is...

 

He was very angry of course and he has never physically hurt me before. He has been emotionally manipulative and abusive before ...but this is an all time high.

 

An hour after he said this...he was back to joking around and asking why I was acting quiet.

 

I'm secretly considering getting an audio recording device for my purse and record this. But, if I took it to police...would he get arrested? Also what advice would you give me on this? Is he just talking big and this is ego and bravado?

[Mr. Lucky]

But, if I took it to police...would he get arrested?

 

Wouldn't you want him to be ?

 

Connect the dots - if someone's been a "bully to me and others, emotionally manipulative and abusive" and "he claims over and over that it is me", why wait until he actually follows through on his threat that "he would make sure he had someone murder that person"?

 

Time in jail might teach him something about anger management and civility...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

{snip}

 

I'm secretly considering getting an audio recording device for my purse and record this. But, if I took it to police...would he get arrested? Also what advice would you give me on this? Is he just talking big and this is ego and bravado?

 

He sounds like a rotten man no woman should give the time of day. You don't mention any children. I will assume there aren't any, which is a blessing. Leave. This man is a psycho and marrying him and having children with him would be a serious mistake.

 

I don't think it would be a bad idea to record what he says to you - just in case. With those things on tape, it would be much more likely for him to be caught and rot in prison for the rest of his life if he were to kill you or try to kill you.

 

If you had all that on tape and you took them to the police, they could probably do nothing. For the police to be able to take action, a crime will have to be committed. But you can record what your fiance says. Being in a relationship with an abusive prick like that will bring nothing but pain down the road. You must have got into a relationship with him because he was so exciting. But eventually that excitement will turn into pure terror as his violent tendencies escalate. If you have children with this animal, you will never be able to fully rid yourself of him.

Edited August 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidwestUSA]

Make him your ex fiancé as soon as possible. He will physically hurt you eventually. Don't wait around to find out.

[BaileyB]

I'm secretly considering getting an audio recording device for my purse and record this. But, if I took it to police...would he get arrested? Also what advice would you give me on this? Is he just talking big and this is ego and bravado?

 

Don't waste your time and your money.

 

I would pack my bags and stop at the police station myself on my way out of town... Why would you ever want to stay with an emotional and physically abusive man, who (I'm assuming) has a problem with alcohol, and has threatened another person with physical harm/murder?

 

As my dear mother used to say, "Give your head a shake girl." This guy is bad news and you need to get yourself to safety.

[melaabon]

The only thing I should point out is he has never been physically abusive...and no, he didn't have a problem with alcohol. He was just out and got caught...even with 2 stiff drinks.

 

He is very healthy...and works out daily etc.

 

It's the mental toll this has taken.... that really bothers me...and I'm sick of the threats.

[BaileyB]

The only thing I should point out is he has never been physically abusive...

 

It's the mental toll this has taken.... that really bothers me...and I'm sick of the threats.

 

Do some research on the cycle of abuse. It's likely only a matter of time.

[Doorstopper]

No one is a murderer.....before their first murder.

 

Go to the police.

Get a restraining order.

Change your phone number

Move on with your life.

 

There is no need to record him and depending on your state/country, it may be illegal. Plus, I think you want to minimize pissing him off.

[melaabon]

it is legal in my state... I could record him. I just need to be careful....

[BaileyB]

Get out while you still can... before he has isolated you, he has control of the family finances, and you and responsible for two children... with few options.

 

Are you planning to have children with this man? Because, you know it would be totally irresponsible to bring children into this world with an emotionally abusive father who bullies and threatens the lives of others. You can't in good conscience do that to innocent children.

 

And, if you think he is going to change... save yourself a lot of time and heartache darling... It's not going to happen.

[BaileyB]

it is legal in my state... I could record him. I just need to be careful....

 

You will be putting your life at risk.

 

But, if you think that is the better option than leaving...

[melaabon]

It's tough because he has convinced me that "I" am the problem. He is a smart accomplished and smart man. How do I believe that I'm not the issue.

 

Also...I should state he's been married twice before me. So...I need to keep that in mind. But it's hard. People love him. Maybe it truly is me. I have few friends......my ex husabnd was my best friend....and I just didn't knw much else....

[BaileyB]

It's tough because he has convinced me that "I" am the problem. He is a smart accomplished and smart man. How do I believe that I'm not the issue.

 

Well, then that is your fault if you believe the word of an abuser.

[MidwestUSA]

It's tough because he has convinced me that "I" am the problem. He is a smart accomplished and smart man. How do I believe that I'm not the issue.

 

Also...I should state he's been married twice before me. So...I need to keep that in mind. But it's hard. People love him. Maybe it truly is me. I have few friends......my ex husabnd was my best friend....and I just didn't knw much else....

 

 

What few friends you have now will 'disappear' if you stay with an abuser; he'll isolate you.

 

Get out now and find a new social circle - people who treat each other the way you want to be treated, so you can see that this is not normal, and that the problem is NOT you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He was just out and got caught...even with 2 stiff drinks.

 

You were there and witnessed his consumption or this is his version of events?

 

It looks like maybe it's from an ex girlfriend. But, it's substantial....it's calling him out for a DUI that he had expunged.

 

Have you ever stopped to wonder why an ex would be so motivated to cause problems for him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[melaabon]

Yes I know what he says to be true. But, I agree...

 

I’m trying to set a goal of leaving him this week but i nearly cry thinking of it...laying in bed close to him. Or watching him when he is happy/nice.

 

 

It’s hard to leave...but he is not always this nice. It won’t last more than a day ...

[BaileyB]

Absurd are never abusers 24/7. If they were, nobody would ever want to be with them...

 

So, they are very nice, and charming, and apologetic after an incident - “it will never happen again...” They suck their victim back in only to inflict more harm... This is called the cycle of abuse. Read about it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The only thing I should point out is he has never been physically abusive...and no, he didn't have a problem with alcohol. He was just out and got caught...even with 2 stiff drinks.

 

He is very healthy...and works out daily etc.

 

It's the mental toll this has taken.... that really bothers me...and I'm sick of the threats.

 

Google Chris and Shanann Watts and then decide if you should believe he won't actually ever get physically abusive.

[d0nnivain]

You can't marry this man. First he doesn't trust you. If he genuinely believes that you would do this to him, why are you even together. The idea that he's threatening violence alone should make you walk. You describe your FI as a "bully". That should make him your EX FI. You also mention a period of time when you were broken up & NC. That is indicative of a dysfunctional relationship. Just get out already. You know it's what you have to do. Do it already.

[melaabon]

That’s the truth. He clearly doesn’t trust me. Ana i feel guilty because here I am plotting to record his audio and turn it into police. And part of me wants him to get in trouble. That’s terrible but that’s how angry I get when he threatens to sue me or hire people to kill people. It’s all nonsense and while I think his anger could get the best of him ...i still don’t think he would physically harm me.

 

Sometimes I think he would do anything for me. But why are his words so threatening sometimes? It’s like living w 2 different people.

 

 

You can't marry this man. First he doesn't trust you. If he genuinely believes that you would do this to him, why are you even together. The idea that he's threatening violence alone should make you walk. You describe your FI as a "bully". That should make him your EX FI. You also mention a period of time when you were broken up & NC. That is indicative of a dysfunctional relationship. Just get out already. You know it's what you have to do. Do it already.

[BaileyB]

He has threatened to hire people to kill you!!

 

Are you serious. It makes absolutely no sense why you would stay with this man and antagonize him with th voice recorder. It's just foolish...

[d0nnivain]

Just walk away.

 

I have plotted more then 1 revenge scenario in my life. I know I would never do anything to somebody but that little mean part of me felt better thinking about it. So don't beat yourself up for wanting him to get in trouble.

 

Just move along. Cancel the wedding. Mourn the loss of the healthy parts of your relationship & the dream of living happily every after but celebrate that you are finally free from such an unstable person.

[bathtub-row]

How many people have to say it to you before it sinks in? It doesn’t matter that he has never hit you. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t followed thru with the threats he makes. He is a CLASSIC ABUSER and you’re falling into his cunning, manipulative trap. Get out! Period.

[Mr. Lucky]

i still don’t think he would physically harm me.

 

All you have to do is read the paper or watch the news to understand how those thoughts could fall into the category of "famous last words".

 

Since his intentions have been so clearly stated, only a fool would stick around to see if he carries them out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melaabon]

I think it's easy to see this from the outside. I am clearly in denial and too inside the situation to see the obvious red flags that all of you have called out.

 

I think it's important for me to remember that cycle of abuse.

 

It's so damn hard becuase when he is kind... and loving. He is so good to me. He keeps saying that he just wants me to be the woman he first met and fell in love with...and then calls me "not normal".... "out of touch with reality"...

 

Says he worries because my "brain doesn't work right"... I think those types of claims hurt me.. and truly make me doubt myself and abilities.