Partner is threatening physical harm...Could you get over it?

[bathtub-row]

I think it's easy to see this from the outside. I am clearly in denial and too inside the situation to see the obvious red flags that all of you have called out.

 

I think it's important for me to remember that cycle of abuse.

 

It's so damn hard becuase when he is kind... and loving. He is so good to me. He keeps saying that he just wants me to be the woman he first met and fell in love with...and then calls me "not normal".... "out of touch with reality"...

 

Says he worries because my "brain doesn't work right"... I think those types of claims hurt me.. and truly make me doubt myself and abilities.

 

Read the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and you’ll understand quite clearly what’s going on. Your bf may seem nice some of the time, but he’s plotting his evil agenda ALL the time. Nice people can’t comprehend this because they don’t think like this. But don’t let yourself continue - yes, I’m using the word ‘continue’ - to be a victim just because you can’t fathom evil. Anyone who knows me, knows my position on abusers - they’re sub-human, they’re horrible, and they’re not fixable. I know this from experience and research.

 

Btw, don’t let him know you’re reading that book if you get it. It will infuriate him. And then ask yourself why you’re with a guy you have to hide things from because you’re afraid of his anger...

[BaileyB]

I think it's easy to see this from the outside. I am clearly in denial and too inside the situation to see the obvious red flags that all of you have called out.

 

A convenient excuse that is no longer acceptable, given that people have unanimously told you that this situation is unsafe and you need to leave.

 

When you know better, you do better. It’s time to stop justifying his behaviour and why you chose to stay and do something about it...

[melaabon]

I'm going to be honest here. I have felt this pain...and dealt with his "abuse" for nearly all of the relationship except the first 4 months.

 

It's gotten progressively worse...and somehow the fight that I had in me to leave...is just evaporating. I think I'm almost sick in the head. There's something in me that makes me feel more comfortable complaining and waiting for something to happen.... than actually removing myself from the situation.

 

I can sit here objectively and think....she's a lost cause. I keep saying "next week" "next month"....next time he does that... I will go.

 

And I don't.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? How do I get past it? I used to be quite close to God. Now I feel like no one is there for me. And I've ignored God so much...I feel like even he must see i'm a lost cause.

 

Sorry to be so honest and sounding like a broken record. I just wish HE would leave me.

 

I think the bottom line is I don't really believe that he would hurt me...physically. So... I just stay and say "ohhhhh....he doesn't mean that..."

 

Read the book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and you’ll understand quite clearly what’s going on. Your bf may seem nice some of the time, but he’s plotting his evil agenda ALL the time. Nice people can’t comprehend this because they don’t think like this. But don’t let yourself continue - yes, I’m using the word ‘continue’ - to be a victim just because you can’t fathom evil. Anyone who knows me, knows my position on abusers - they’re sub-human, they’re horrible, and they’re not fixable. I know this from experience and research.

 

Btw, don’t let him know you’re reading that book if you get it. It will infuriate him. And then ask yourself why you’re with a guy you have to hide things from because you’re afraid of his anger...

[d0nnivain]

You gotta change your messages to He might physically hurt me & he does mean it when he hurts me.

[preraph]

Nothing works as a nice and neat as that unfortunately, but yes if you have a chance to record it, do, and log everything he does and it is illegal to threaten someone. You should take this to the police even if you haven't reported anything yet and then you can bring them that if it happens. there are some laws about recording people. If he contacts you at your house I think it's okay to record him or in your home.

 

what you need to do is contact the police and see if they will go ahead and recommend a restraining order or protective order. Now that is just a piece of paper. If he has no problem thumbing his nose at the law it won't slow him down and it will make him madder. but until you get a restraining order and he breaks it I trying to contact you or coming to close to you, the police don't have a reason to pick him up. but once they have the order on him and he breaks it then they can come pick him up and put him in jail but he will bond out.

 

So whatever you do you will have to remain vigilant. The best hope is that it scares him that you go to the police and he doesn't want to get mixed up in that bad enough to let it drop. I recommend you have a safe place you can go where he would not guess in case he gets really nuts. And by the way making specific threats like that is very serious. Just because he hasn't hurt you before doesn't mean he won't now. There are plenty of murderers who don't routinely beat up women.

 

so you be careful and have a bag packed in case you need to get out of there and run if he goes on the Rampage. Go ahead and contact police and if they think you need that recording, you can see if that happens or not. but meanwhile right before you contact them go ahead and try to write down the dates and times of things he said and done to have a log of it because by law you have to show a pattern threatening and harassment. That's how most of the laws read.

 

Keep us informed.

[BaileyB]

There's something in me that makes me feel more comfortable complaining and waiting for something to happen.... than actually removing myself from the situation.

 

I just wish HE would leave me.

 

I think the bottom line is I don't really believe that he would hurt me...physically. So... I just stay and say "ohhhhh....he doesn't mean that..."

 

That much is blessedly clear in your posts.

 

The thing is, he may not leave you before he hurts you. Or kills you.

 

There are resources out there to help you - to educate yourself on domestic abuse and to help you to develop a plan to leave. Find a counsellor, social worker, women's clinic, website, or go to the police. I hope you get help.

[bathtub-row]

He’s not at all likely to leave you. What you’re feeling is a form of hysterical bonding. It’s a wonderful human mechanism that allows us to cope in highly stressful and dangerous situations. I promise you - read the book I recommended. There are a ton of books out there about abuse but none with outstanding experience and insight of that author. Because of his profession, he saw literally thousands of abusers because they were ordered by the courts to go to him. And he drew some amazing conclusions about the abuser and the victim.

 

After all is said and done, you’re going to need to move past this dead, emotional and fearful state you’re in. Push yourself past it and get away from this situation. If it means moving, then do it. Educate yourself, understand that the abuse is killing your spirit, and know that God would never in a million years see you as a lost cause. We have free will and you’re using that free will as an excuse. Read up on near-death experiences. They all say the same thing - that this God spirit is so filled with love for us that it’s incomprehensible to us.

 

You basically need to snap yourself out of this. If it means breaking up with him, getting back together, breaking up again — whatever it takes to make you completely sick of this situation, then do it. Just don’t kill him because he’s not worth going to prison for. ?

[Mr. Lucky]

That much is blessedly clear in your posts.

 

The thing is, he may not leave you before he hurts you. Or kills you.

 

Or provides you with knowledge of or implicates you as an accessory in someone else's assault or murder.

 

melaabon, many of us have pointed out the substantial downside in continuing in this relationship. Since I don't see it, maybe you can explain the upside in staying with someone who abuses and threatens you ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[melaabon]

I can imagine it seems quite cut and dry. I have started to read “Why does he do that”…as suggested here by Bailey.

 

Thank you for the suggestion.

 

I get it…loud and clear.

 

Why do I stay? I think it’s now just habit. It’s the status quo…and I am used to it. As someone suggested to me… it’s like pulling out the nail in my foot. It is still going to hurt because the pain became consistent and predictable.

 

The question is…WHEN is the right time to leave. WHEN will I be strong enough? When will there be the day that I wake up and say I’m done?

 

I was listening to Mel Robbins last night… and she has a speech online about “Why motivation is crap”… it basically addresses exactly this.

 

She says we will never feel ready. There will never be the perfect time to do something that hurts or we associate pain to….

 

I just have to decide and do it. Do it for all reasons that I know are important to me and my life.

 

There is something wrong with me…or how I associate comfort, though.

 

For example, I chose over a month ago to have elective surgery to improve my eyes. I do a lot of work for a plastic surgeon and he offered it as a trade out. I was thrilled but scared This guy is nationally known…but fear still got the best of me.

 

I cancelled the first one. I never told my fiancé about tit. I rescheduled for this Thursday. As the weeks went by…I kept thinking I would have left him by this point and he would never need to know.

 

NOW? I was up at 2am…never went back to sleep because I was terrified to tell him that I was having this surgery on Thursday because I know it will interfere with his schedule (even though I made arrangements to have a nurse to help me and he wouldn’t NEED to do anything)

 

I started to tell him today…and he said I would look chinese and he’s afraid he’s going to have to “look at THAT for the rest of our lives” and have to explain to people what “i’ve done to my face”.

 

I immediately backed down and didn’t tell him it was booked! We live together…travel together…we are always together… so this isn’t something I could ever hide.

 

The reality is …he needs to go before Thursday morning. But what stress I’m putting myself through! I’m going to end a relationship…disappear… and go straight into surgery and have a hired NURSE take care of me?

 

I sound insane. I don’t know how I get myself into these messes. Actually I do. the problem is I keep saying…I will do it by xyz…and I don’t follow through and now I’m trapped.

 

The reality is there will be stress either way. Even if I had him involved and tried to depend on him…he would not only be impossible and angry…but he would also scare me and say i look “chinese”…due to my surgery…..

 

I need to get some lady balls….. and STAT.

 

PS I spoke with a police officer today. He isn't in my jurisdiction but he was calling someone who is...and that person is supposed to give me advice and insight on the murder statements.

[bathtub-row]

The point of the book is to help you understand the person you're dealing with, and to understand why you feel the way you do. It can help you to stop idealizing him as a person and to stop buying into his lies and fake remorse. Those are big things to get a handle on.

 

But, right now, you're just heaping one layer of stress on top of another for yourself. Why even consider breaking up with him on the verge of a surgery? Why have the surgery at this stage? How about one or the other but not both at the same time? Take these things in stages. It's like working at a job you detest and knowing that if you leave, you put everything at risk - your home, food, etc. So, you play it smart. Unless you think you're in immediate danger, I think you just need to calm down and re-group. Cancel the surgery if you think that's best for now. You simply aren't doing yourself any favors, or helping your situation, by trying to handle everything at once. It's drama on top of drama.

[melaabon]

I agree. I can’t do them both. So i am going to just get through next week after my surgery. He can be mad all he wants. But I’ll do my best. The problem is i can’t cancel again and probably lose the client who is offering be free surgery.

 

So I’m going to try to figure it out. It hurts either way. He will be angry. Resentful and make me feel bad.

 

But I’m not sure i can handle it on my own

[bathtub-row]

Just let him know in a matter-of-fact manner that the surgery has to happen and if it interferes with his precious schedule, then so be it. Okay, you might not want to use that verbiage, exactly. lol.

 

You're really in fear of this guy. Yes, have the surgery because it's important. Will you require any care afterward? If so, do you have family or friends you can depend on?

 

What's the situation with where you live? Is it your home? Is it an apartment in your name? His name? Just curious. That makes a difference as to how complicated it will be to end things.

 

And, yes! you can get through this! You have put up with him, right? Do you think that takes a weak soul? It doesn't. You have strength you don't even know about. You are far more than you know.

[melaabon]

Thank you for this advice!

 

The house we live in is his however I still have a place on the other side of town that is my own that we stay in together, as well.

 

But leaving is very simple if i want it to be. I go to my place. Period

 

I

[d0nnivain]

Bottom line is you will leave when you are ready. We can tell you to go repeatedly but you won't do it because change is scary & you're not ready. I just hope that when the time comes you are leaving under your own power & not in an ambulance.

[BaileyB]

I just hope that when the time comes you are leaving under your own power & not in an ambulance.

 

Or has been said previously, in a police car - charged as an accessory to a murder.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for this advice!

 

The house we live in is his however I still have a place on the other side of town that is my own that we stay in together, as well.

 

But leaving is very simple if i want it to be. I go to my place. Period

 

I

 

Perfect. Then, if nothing else, let the relationship fade out slowly. And under no circumstances allow him to talk you into giving up your place, or him giving up his to move in with you. In other words, don’t get trapped into solidifying things any more than they already are. And please, please, please do not get pregnant with this jerk’s child. Good luck on your surgery!

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is mentally unstable and a ticking time bomb.

 

He will someday hurt you, OP. There is no "might" with someone as unhinged as him.

[preraph]

Thank you for this advice!

 

The house we live in is his however I still have a place on the other side of town that is my own that we stay in together, as well.

 

But leaving is very simple if i want it to be. I go to my place. Period

 

I

 

You need to go ahead and change the locks at that other place or he'll come over there and hurt you when you leave.

[BaileyB]

You need to go ahead and change the locks at that other place or he'll come over there and hurt you when you leave.

 

This. You need a restraining order, new locks on your home, or more likely a safe and secret location to go to when you leave this man.

[olivetree]

Melaabon, I'm new to the thread, but I see you haven't posted in a bit and wanted to make sure you're safe.

How are you doing?

How did your surgery go?

[bathtub-row]

Melaabon, I'm new to the thread, but I see you haven't posted in a bit and wanted to make sure you're safe.

How are you doing?

How did your surgery go?

 

I was wondering the same thing. Hope everything went well!

[merrmeade]

I hate it when this happens: There's good reason to be concerned about a LS member's survival and welfare and there is nothing that anyone online can do in real life to help.

[melaabon]

I am doing ok. I delayed my surgery until i could get my shi@ together and I’ve been trying to get out. I’ve gotten to my last step.... and next week willl be my final

Step.

 

I will update more tomorrow but so grateful that anyone here cares! I am ok.

 

Thank you!

[Malin889]

It's tough because he has convinced me that "I" am the problem. He is a smart accomplished and smart man. How do I believe that I'm not the issue.

 

Also...I should state he's been married twice before me. So...I need to keep that in mind. But it's hard. People love him. Maybe it truly is me. I have few friends......my ex husabnd was my best friend....and I just didn't knw much else....

 

Verbally abusive men always say “you” are the problem. He is the problem! And what do you mean “people love him”? People wouldn’t love him if they knew what he was really like.