My Wife is begining to hurt our marriage because of a grandchild

[wilspeak]

I got married in 2016 to a Lovely woman. My wife already had 3 children who were already young adults. My Stepdaughter had a baby Son last November. Since the birth of our first grandchild, my wife wants to spend Weeks at my Stepdaughter and Son-n-law's home caring for the baby. I have no problem with that .... except now she does not want to come home. My wife will come home for a week and then tells me that she has to go back and stay at the daughters home caring for the baby for another 2 or 3 weeks. To be fair, but they are both are at home at different times and can care for the baby themselves. But my wife insists on staying at their home for weeks and then coming home to me for a few days and back to their home for another few weeks. Now I am getting tired of that and I don't want us to grow apart because she is putting a grandchild ahead of her husband. I try my best to take my wife out and to buy things, we go on trips and I give her money and care for her, but when it comes to the grandbaby it's (F> YOU) AND I DO NOT LIKE THAT. Can someone give me some advice before I ask her for a divorce? Thank You

[Kranbir8]

Everything is possible in this world. You should talk to your wife in this matter. Hope she will understand the situation.

[BaileyB]

Although I can understand her excitement and her desire to spend time caring for her new grandchild, there needs to be balance - for everyone involved.

 

Does she have to travel far to stay with his grandchild?

 

I would give it a little more time... The novelty may wear off, and her children may decide they do not want home visitors all the time. Or, another grandchild will be born to compete for her attention...

 

The thing that would concern me most is her unwillingness to consider your opinion, or even talk with you about the situation. This lack of compromise does not a good marriage make.

 

Even if things improve, she will still probably devote herself to her children/grandchildren. You need to have a realistic view of this and realistic expectations - you are simply not her one and only... Knowing this, you can make your decisions accordingly...

[Redhead14]

I got married in 2016 to a Lovely woman. My wife already had 3 children who were already young adults. My Stepdaughter had a baby Son last November. Since the birth of our first grandchild, my wife wants to spend Weeks at my Stepdaughter and Son-n-law's home caring for the baby. I have no problem with that .... except now she does not want to come home. My wife will come home for a week and then tells me that she has to go back and stay at the daughters home caring for the baby for another 2 or 3 weeks. To be fair, but they are both are at home at different times and can care for the baby themselves. But my wife insists on staying at their home for weeks and then coming home to me for a few days and back to their home for another few weeks. Now I am getting tired of that and I don't want us to grow apart because she is putting a grandchild ahead of her husband. I try my best to take my wife out and to buy things, we go on trips and I give her money and care for her, but when it comes to the grandbaby it's (F> YOU) AND I DO NOT LIKE THAT. Can someone give me some advice before I ask her for a divorce? Thank You

 

 

How do the mother and father feel about her being there so much? Is she imposing herself on them? Usually, a grandmom will pitch in for a few days to a week, but not weeks on end. That's not right.

 

 

Maybe you start by talking to your Step-Daughter and see how she is feeling about it. Is the step-daughter struggling with post-partum depression or some physical problems? Maybe ask your step-daughter to talk to your Mom and tell her that it's not necessary for her to be there so much now. Your wife may be overstepping her boundaries but they are hesitant to say anything.

[wilspeak]

Everything is possible in this world. You should talk to your wife in this matter. Hope she will understand the situation.

 

Hello Kranbir8, Yes I have Tried to talk to my wife, it's like this with her >(It's all about Grandbaby#1)< AND >(Like it or Leave it)<. I am Not going to accept that.

[wilspeak]

Although I can understand her excitement and her desire to spend time caring for her new grandchild, there needs to be balance - for everyone involved.

 

Does she have to travel far to stay with his grandchild?

 

I would give it a little more time... The novelty may wear off, and her children may decide they do not want home visitors all the time. Or, another grandchild will be born to compete for her attention...

 

The thing that would concern me most is her unwillingness to consider your opinion, or even talk with you about the situation. This lack of compromise does not a good marriage make.

 

Even if things improve, she will still probably devote herself to her children/grandchildren. You need to have a realistic view of this and realistic expectations - you are simply not her one and only... Knowing this, you can make your decisions accordingly...

 

Hello BaileyB, You said, "there needs to be a balance - for everyone involved." You are correct and I have said the same thing........ But I getting from her is (It's about helping the grandbaby) What I am saying is ....... (YES, we all love Grandbaby, But you can come home now... let the parents Learn to care for their first baby without You being their ALL of the time ... meanwhile NEGATING Your Husband.)

[AT15]

I have to say, as a daughter with a 7 year old, I loved when my mother was with me. It allowed me time to adjust to being a new mother.

 

Although, Your wife needs to know her limits. She is probably out warming her welcome at her daughter's home. I know my ex husband was like " okay, grandma, time to go."

 

Eventually it will balance out. Give it a few months.

[wilspeak]

How do the mother and father feel about her being there so much? Is she imposing herself on them? Usually, a grandmom will pitch in for a few days to a week, but not weeks on end. That's not right.

 

 

Maybe you start by talking to your Step-Daughter and see how she is feeling about it. Is the step-daughter struggling with post-partum depression or some physical problems? Maybe ask your step-daughter to talk to your Mom and tell her that it's not necessary for her to be there so much now. Your wife may be overstepping her boundaries but they are hesitant to say anything.

 

Hello Redhead14, The parents seem to be fine .... right now. Talking to the Daughter would be like talking to a brick wall and no she does not have post-Partum depression. Talking to Dad may be a better thing to do at this point. And it is getting increasingly hard to speak to her on the phone.

[wilspeak]

I have to say, as a daughter with a 7 year old, I loved when my mother was with me. It allowed me time to adjust to being a new mother.

 

Although, Your wife needs to know her limits. She is probably out warming her welcome at her daughter's home. I know my ex husband was like " okay, grandma, time to go."

 

Eventually it will balance out. Give it a few months.

 

Hello AT15, I am hoping this is going to work out. What I am worried about is when Daughter finds a full-time game, what comes next..... is my wife going to tell me that she now has to live there FULL TIME because of her daughter's job

[wilspeak]

I don't want us to spend too much time apart, and when the grandchildren get older they won't need her, by then our marriage will be Damaged and we will be distant from each other. I would rather divorce than to waste years in a marriage that turns Cold.

[ExpatInItaly]

How was your marriage doing before the little one arrived, OP?

[burnt]

How was your marriage doing before the little one arrived, OP?

 

^^^ Great Question!

 

I'd suspect it has less to do with the grand baby and more to dow with the relationship between you two. Usually a woman would look for *other* things to turn to when she has checked out of he relationship. In this case, a grand-baby. It is one thing for her to be there for her daughter and the new baby, and another thing to not even bother to be reached easily by you by phone.

 

Sounds like she is looking for ways to distance herself from the marriage.

 

Sit her down and ask outright what she wants in this marriage: whether she sees a future with you anymore.

[wilspeak]

How was your marriage doing before the little one arrived, OP?

 

Hello ExpatInItaly, I felt the marriage is going well. We got along fine, but I did notice that she had a fear of growing old, bored and unneeded because now all of the children are grown and have left home. I was and currently trying to keep us both active through going out different places and exercise.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hello ExpatInItaly, I felt the marriage is going well. We got along fine, but I did notice that she had a fear of growing old, bored and unneeded because now all of the children are grown and have left home. I was and currently trying to keep us both active through going out different places and exercise.

 

How far away do you live from each other?

 

I can't imagine your step son-in-law loves this arrangement......

[wilspeak]

^^^ Great Question!

 

I'd suspect it has less to do with the grand baby and more to dow with the relationship between you two. Usually a woman would look for *other* things to turn to when she has checked out of he relationship. In this case, a grand-baby. It is one thing for her to be there for her daughter and the new baby, and another thing to not even bother to be reached easily by you by phone.

 

Sounds like she is looking for ways to distance herself from the marriage.

 

Sit her down and ask outright what she wants in this marriage: whether she sees a future with you anymore.

 

Hello burnt, You made some very good points and some of the same that I thought of such as "I'd suspect it has less to do with the grandbaby and more to do with the relationship between you two" AND "Sounds like she is looking for ways to distance herself from the marriage." AND "Usually a woman would look for *other* things to turn to when she has checked out of the relationship." There is another point that I am looking at..... Since I take care of her... bills, money, and other necessities and we are Locked in marriage she can do what she wants to do and now all of a sudden I am starting not matter anymore. I am trying to stop that from happening now before its too late. I am 50 years old and I don't want to waste years of my life in a relationship that is going bad.

[usa1ah]

An easy dose of reality for your wife.

 

Take a trip without her. Sense she is spending all of her time way from home. Just plan to be gone on a trip the next time she is planning a pit stop at home.

[Poutrew]

^^^ Great Question!

 

I'd suspect it has less to do with the grand baby and more to dow with the relationship between you two. Usually a woman would look for *other* things to turn to when she has checked out of he relationship. In this case, a grand-baby. It is one thing for her to be there for her daughter and the new baby, and another thing to not even bother to be reached easily by you by phone.

 

Sounds like she is looking for ways to distance herself from the marriage.

 

Sit her down and ask outright what she wants in this marriage: whether she sees a future with you anymore.

 

This. Remember, these are her kids. You are just hubby #2. Sounds to me like she found someone to pay her bills, so now she can do what she wants... If a D is too costly, then you can do the same thing she is. Take a nice, long trip somewhere without her. And, don't forget you are a man with needs - that is why mistresses were invented Sounds like she (wifey) wouldn't care anyway.

[wilspeak]

How far away do you live from each other?

 

I can't imagine your step son-in-law loves this arrangement......

 

 

Hello CautiouslyOptimistic, She stays about 70 miles away from our home. I spend the night sometimes with them, But that is Not my home and I refuse to wear out my welcome. As for the son-in-law, I will talk to him alone about this, I am getting the feeling that he is just going along with whatever. I am going to speak to him about my concerns Now before it gets out of hand so that later on, if the situation gets worse he or they can not say I didn't tell them.

[wilspeak]

An easy dose of reality for your wife.

 

Take a trip without her. Sense she is spending all of her time way from home. Just plan to be gone on a trip the next time she is planning a pit stop at home.

 

Hello usa1ah, I think if this situation gets worse and she keeps on using the baby the way he is used .... I just may take a trip. I do know other people. I don't want to do that, but I just might take a trip up north.

[wilspeak]

This. Remember, these are her kids. You are just hubby #2. Sounds to me like she found someone to pay her bills, so now she can do what she wants... If a D is too costly, then you can do the same thing she is. Take a nice, long trip somewhere without her. And, don't forget you are a man with needs - that is why mistresses were invented Sounds like she (wifey) wouldn't care anyway.

 

Hello Poutrew, You are absolutely right about what you said>> "Remember, these are her kids. You are just hubby #2. Sounds to me like she found someone to pay her bills, so now she can do what she wants If I would have known that my wife was going to act out like this I would have never married her. I still love and care for. I don't want this nonsense to come in between us.

[Doorstopper]

Hello CautiouslyOptimistic, She stays about 70 miles away from our home. I spend the night sometimes with them, But that is Not my home and I refuse to wear out my welcome. As for the son-in-law, I will talk to him alone about this, I am getting the feeling that he is just going along with whatever. I am going to speak to him about my concerns Now before it gets out of hand so that later on, if the situation gets worse he or they can not say I didn't tell them.

 

 

Only 70 miles? There is no reason why she shouldn't be home nearly every night. That's a short commute, unless you are in LA and the 70 miles is a 4 hr drive. But to be away for weeks? That's absurd.

[wilspeak]

Only 70 miles? There is no reason why she shouldn't be home nearly every night. That's a short commute, unless you are in LA and the 70 miles is a 4 hr drive. But to be away for weeks? That's absurd.

 

Hello Doorstopper, You are right, I asked her about coming home, but of course, that would mean that she would not have the excuses that she uses to stay there.

[BaileyB]

70 miles is a one hour drive.

 

There is absolutely no reason why she needs to stay over... She can come and go as she likes without staying over. If I was the son-in-law, I would be very unhappy with this situation.

[wilspeak]

70 miles is a one hour drive.

 

There is absolutely no reason why she needs to stay over... She can come and go as she likes without staying over. If I was the son-in-law, I would be very unhappy with this situation.

 

Hello BaileyB, I have the car. The main problem is the 70-mile commute is not necessary because she does not have to be there ALL of the time 7 days a week. Also Even if she had the car she wouldn't want to drive that distance every day. It's getting harder for us to communicate because she doesn't call me. If I don't call her she would call me, maybe she will call at night at 1 or 2 am before she goes to sleep. I have told her it should not be one day that she does not call me or I call her. TX messages is Not enough.

[Mr. Lucky]

I got married in 2016 to a Lovely woman. My wife already had 3 children who were already young adults. My Stepdaughter had a baby Son last November.

 

wilspeak, your wife's grandson is now 10 months old, he may even be weaned and sleeping through the night by now.

 

I think others have already effectively given you the bad news. She isn't drawn to them, she's running away from you and your marriage. Unless she's willing to compromise, not much left to save.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky