My Wife is begining to hurt our marriage because of a grandchild

[wilspeak]

wilspeak, your wife's grandson is now 10 months old, he may even be weaned and sleeping through the night by now.

 

I think others have already effectively given you the bad news. She isn't drawn to them, she's running away from you and your marriage. Unless she's willing to compromise, not much left to save.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hello Mr. Lucky, I am going to Wait and see what happens. My wife told me that she is coming home next week for at least 2 weeks..... I am going to see what is going on in her head and try to reason with her. There is only so much that I am going to take. I am too old for nonsense and if it was any other Man he would not stand for it either. If I don't stand for some principles it will make me weaker and I am not going to weak.

[MidwestUSA]

Hello Mr. Lucky, I am going to Wait and see what happens. My wife told me that she is coming home next week for at least 2 weeks..... I am going to see what is going on in her head and try to reason with her. There is only so much that I am going to take. I am too old for nonsense and if it was any other Man he would not stand for it either. If I don't stand for some principles it will make me weaker and I am not going to weak.

 

If there's a bright side, if you have to divorce her, you haven't been married long, and wouldn't owe much, if any, support.

 

Was she working when you met? I definitely get the vibe she was looking for a bank account.

[Doorstopper]

I hate to ask this but as a card caring member of the club that no one want to join (infidelity), this is beginning to look like an appropriate question: Have you checked your wife's cellphone call logs and texting history? Could there be someone else in he picture that you are not aware of?

[Mr. Lucky]

If I don't stand for some principles it will make me weaker and I am not going to weak.

 

I don't see wanting your wife to be present in the marital home as standing on principal. This is basic Marriage 101 stuff, can't have a relationship unless she's around. And I'm sure she understands this also, which is why her message seems so clear.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

You are losing perspective when you talk about time management and wearing out her welcome and all of that. Your wife hasn't suddenly lost the ability to track time or the ability to figure out when she's getting on someone's nerves.

 

What's relevant is that your wife has willingly and thrillingly jumped at the opportunity to disconnect from you and get away from you.

 

She could be away ... and still you guys could feel connected. That's not happening. A friend of mine just spent a month 3,000 miles away from home ... with a sister and a dying mom ... and my friend remained totally emotionally connected with her husband who encouraged her to stay through a crisis of her sister having a meltdown ... and preparing for her mom's death.

 

How happy do you think your wife is with you and with her life? Does she have friends and hobbies? ... Do you support some of her activities and encourage her to pursue her interests? ... How's your physical life? ... Are you guys affectionate and tender with each other?

 

I fear your wife has found a "legitimate" way to escape life with you. I'm not blaming you ... necessarily ... because the quality of her life with you is partly on her.

 

It also could be that your wife (for reasons having nothing to do with you) is simply more comfortable in the grandma role than she is in the intimate marriage partner role. The grandma role is very defined and clear ... intimacy with a partner is a lot more messy ... and can be frightening and overwhelming even if you like your partner.

 

She may simply have found a role she can excel in and feel comfortable in.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[BTDT2012]

I think you should tell her that you can't continue with the marriage if she chooses to make your home a place to visit, and her marriage secondary. The baby isn't sick, her daughter isn't sick, they don't live far away from you. Make it plain that you will not continue to stay married to her if things don't change.

[Whoknew30]

The women in my family are this way, even with their long term husbands...the difference is, the grandchild at hand is both their blood grandchild. I don’t even have grandchildren yet & ive told my husband “I will be anywhere my grandchildren are & if alive & well, will be there babysitter, wether you come or not”...I know women that leave 6 months at a time to go to different countries to stay with their grandchildren.

 

I get It, she didn’t know what life was like without a grandchild, you got married & she had one. You’re going through what men do when they have their first child. Not everyone comes from an extremely close family & a lot of people don’t understand this mentality...sounds like your wife is extremely close to her kids & now grandchild. I’d personally have a deal with it or leave approach myself.

 

Can you move closer as a compromise? Had that been discussed? You’re in a tough spot bc it’s not personal or really about you...your feelings are hurt over a baby, so I look at it as a 50 year old man competing with a baby for attention. When you read it like that, can you maybe understand how ridiculous that seems if looking at it from her & her daughter’s logic? Once you understand her logic it will be easier to respond in a productive manner.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you move closer as a compromise? Had that been discussed? You’re in a tough spot bc it’s not personal or really about you...your feelings are hurt over a baby, so I look at it as a 50 year old man competing with a baby for attention. When you read it like that, can you maybe understand how ridiculous that seems if looking at it from her & her daughter’s logic? Once you understand her logic it will be easier to respond in a productive manner.

 

Not sure how moving closer would help, the OP and his wife only live 70 miles - about an hour's drive - from their grandchild now. I think the OP would be perfectly happy if his wife babysat and came home at night or provided care at night and returned days.

 

Compromise implies an adjustment and some movement by both sides...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I think talking to the father might be a good idea and maybe he'll be quiet about it and can tell the wife he's tired of having a third person in the house all the time. It sounds like she just wants to move in with them. Maybe she's always wanted to live with her daughter and this is the excuse she needed. It's ridiculous to be there that much when she is not really needed except occasionally. The additional problem is she is going to start acting like that child is her own and at some point may make them both mad and overstep her bounds with them. But you need some support to get her back. Honestly, I am surprised either of them want her there that much. Seems like a huge intrusion. I get it the first little while, especially if the mother is recuperating from childbirth, but most people wouldn't want their mother to just move in -- and mother in law especially, so see if you can privately talk to the husband about it and let him know you don't like it because I bet he has no idea. This might be all the encouragment he needs to put his foot down -- or we may find out he's not helping with baby and that's why she's there, but it's your only hope.

[BaileyB]

My best friend's mother is like your wife... If she could go back and forth, between her children's homes, caring for and enjoying her grandchildren... I know she would. It is "almost" what has happened for the past 10 years.

 

My friend insists that her mother is very helpful when she visits (for weeks at a time)... but also complains that it has put a strain on her marriage. They are both tired of having company in their home, all the time.

 

I often think, the grandmother would not be able to do it if she had a husband. She devotes herself to her children and grandchildren... at the expense of her own relationships, friendships, hobbies, and interests.

 

I have little people in my life... I understand the desire to be present in their lives as much as possible because they bring such joy and they grow so fast! But, there must be balance for everyone involved... or, it becomes unhealthy for the grandmother, the marriages, and the husband who is left behind...

 

The fact that your wife is unwilling to compromise or even consider your opinion, speaks volumes. Truthfully, she could purchase a car and make the trip several times a week to spend the day with her littles... Or, you could drive her there to spend a few days and then she could return home for the remainder of the week. The fact that she insists on abandoning her marriage to impose herself on her children is not good.

Edited August 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, OP and his wife have been married barely two years and his wife has now become a part time partner to him. The fact is that he married her and NOT her extended family. If the roles were reversed and the grandchildren were his blood and he chose to pay as much attention to them as she is doing, would she have been so accommodating? I doubt it. I can see that this is not going to end well as the OP is feeling neglected and relegated to second place. Who knew seems to have given her husband an ultimatum. She once cheated on him and now plans on cheating him out of spouse time together. When and if it comes to that it is possible her husband will call it quits and find someone more congenial and less dictatorial.

 

OP, I guess if things do not get resolved amicably then your options are limited. You can either suck it up or bail. After all you've only been married a short time and really speaking this is your honeymoon period. If during this time your wife can treat you with such scant respect it hardly inspires confidence in your future togetherness! You have a difficult road ahead. Best wishes.

[Ruby Slippers]

She's definitely using you as the beta male provider, treating you with complete disrespect. I wouldn't stand for it any longer.

 

You can't force her to spend more time with you. But you can cut off the gravy train. She's not even providing you with basic companionship. She doesn't deserve it.

[bathtub-row]

I think her actions are inexcusable. If she won’t talk to you, then she’s leaving you little choice. The baby was born nearly a year ago. If I were her daughter, I’d be tired of her being there. But it’s her disrespect for you that’s speaking the loudest. Not sure what she’s thinking. Maybe you should move your money and hide it. Then walk out if she continues to refuse to talk about this or change her behavior.

[Whoknew30]

Not sure how moving closer would help, the OP and his wife only live 70 miles - about an hour's drive - from their grandchild now. I think the OP would be perfectly happy if his wife babysat and came home at night or provided care at night and returned days.

 

Compromise implies an adjustment and some movement by both sides...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I personally wouldn’t make a two hour trek in one day bc my husband is complaining. Living near takes away the issue of that...culturally I wouldn’t need to even explain why I’d want to be close. My kids are personally everything to me & I assume (& know) my grandchildren will even be more so...no different than all the women I know.

 

There’s a huge difference between people that actually are all about their kids/grandkids naturally & those who aren’t. Some parents are perfectly ok not living near their kids/grandkids while off living their life older & some parents live their life for their kids/grandkids. It’s hard to ever get those two types to understand each other’s logic. Which is something that probably wasn’t thought about at an older age but unfortunately should have been.

[usa1ah]

The women in my family are this way, even with their long term husbands...the difference is, the grandchild at hand is both their blood grandchild. I don’t even have grandchildren yet & ive told my husband “I will be anywhere my grandchildren are & if alive & well, will be there babysitter, wether you come or not”...I know women that leave 6 months at a time to go to different countries to stay with their grandchildren.

 

I get It, she didn’t know what life was like without a grandchild, you got married & she had one. You’re going through what men do when they have their first child. Not everyone comes from an extremely close family & a lot of people don’t understand this mentality...sounds like your wife is extremely close to her kids & now grandchild. I’d personally have a deal with it or leave approach myself.

 

Can you move closer as a compromise? Had that been discussed? You’re in a tough spot bc it’s not personal or really about you...your feelings are hurt over a baby, so I look at it as a 50 year old man competing with a baby for attention. When you read it like that, can you maybe understand how ridiculous that seems if looking at it from her & her daughter’s logic? Once you understand her logic it will be easier to respond in a productive manner.

 

 

Any wife that would leave a marriage over a grandchild is in the wrong and more then likely needs a therapist. She is married to to her husband not the grandchild.

 

Or she has used her husband for a paycheck their entire marriage and never loved him.

[bathtub-row]

I personally wouldn’t make a two hour trek in one day bc my husband is complaining. Living near takes away the issue of that...culturally I wouldn’t need to even explain why I’d want to be close. My kids are personally everything to me & I assume (& know) my grandchildren will even be more so...no different than all the women I know.

 

There’s a huge difference between people that actually are all about their kids/grandkids naturally & those who aren’t. Some parents are perfectly ok not living near their kids/grandkids while off living their life older & some parents live their life for their kids/grandkids. It’s hard to ever get those two types to understand each other’s logic. Which is something that probably wasn’t thought about at an older age but unfortunately should have been.

 

If her kids are everything to her, then she doesn’t need a husband. Unfortunately, spouses require love and attention. Pushing them in the background - for any reason - will lead to divorce.

 

This reminds me of a woman I read about years ago. She and her husband had kids. Later he cheated on her and left. She was shocked and distraught. When asked about their distant marriage and why he left, she said it was because she put all her attention on the kids and thought that when the kids were grown and out of the house, she and her husband could pick up their relationship again. My mouth fell open when I read that. I couldn’t believe anyone could be that obtuse. But, yes, people can be that obtuse.

[usa1ah]

Hello BaileyB, I have the car. The main problem is the 70-mile commute is not necessary because she does not have to be there ALL of the time 7 days a week. Also Even if she had the car she wouldn't want to drive that distance every day. It's getting harder for us to communicate because she doesn't call me. If I don't call her she would call me, maybe she will call at night at 1 or 2 am before she goes to sleep. I have told her it should not be one day that she does not call me or I call her. TX messages is Not enough.

 

Hey Wilspeak, how are things?

[Whoknew30]

If her kids are everything to her, then she doesn’t need a husband. Unfortunately, spouses require love and attention. Pushing them in the background - for any reason - will lead to divorce.

 

This reminds me of a woman I read about years ago. She and her husband had kids. Later he cheated on her and left. She was shocked and distraught. When asked about their distant marriage and why he left, she said it was because she put all her attention on the kids and thought that when the kids were grown and out of the house, she and her husband could pick up their relationship again. My mouth fell open when I read that. I couldn’t believe anyone could be that obtuse. But, yes, people can be that obtuse.

 

In my experience. The only people that speak about “must this or must that” are those that are divorced. It’s not a cut down or derogatory...it’s just those that know the right way to be, are usually the ones that either are divorced or come from broken family themselves.

 

Who said the relationship suffers bc of kids? Is it the kids or a easy excuse out? My relationship has never suffered over my kids nor did our problems ever stem from them or giving to much attention to them.

 

I almost died having my daughter as a teenager & it taught me what the most important things in life are. Now why don’t you speak to all the women that had husbands leave them with nothing to do pertaining to the kids.

 

Also you forgot to mention who will be there for that woman when she is old...her kids, her husband would not have been, so she put her effort in the right place in my opinion. Now he’ll get all the attention he wants but let’s see if his kids will be there for him. One has to look at a whole picture...not a portion.

 

My kids will always be my & my husband’s kid’s. A spouse can come & go but any man worth his salt would never ask a mother to choose between...ever. Nor a woman worth her salt.

[bathtub-row]

In my experience. The only people that speak about “must this or must that” are those that are divorced. It’s not a cut down or derogatory...it’s just those that know the right way to be, are usually the ones that either are divorced or come from broken family themselves.

 

Who said the relationship suffers bc of kids? Is it the kids or a easy excuse out? My relationship has never suffered over my kids nor did our problems ever stem from them or giving to much attention to them.

 

I almost died having my daughter as a teenager & it taught me what the most important things in life are. Now why don’t you speak to all the women that had husbands leave them with nothing to do pertaining to the kids.

 

Also you forgot to mention who will be there for that woman when she is old...her kids, her husband would not have been, so she put her effort in the right place in my opinion. Now he’ll get all the attention he wants but let’s see if his kids will be there for him. One has to look at a whole picture...not a portion.

 

My kids will always be my & my husband’s kid’s. A spouse can come & go but any man worth his salt would never ask a mother to choose between...ever. Nor a woman worth her salt.

 

This man’s wife goes off for weeks at a time, on a regular basis, and you think that’s ok, that the husband is being demanding? Well hopefully this woman has enough money to support herself after the divorce. Oh, wait, she won’t need to worry about that because her kids - a young family - will no doubt be happy to foot the bill.

 

I’m still trying to figure out why she even wants to be married.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband actually loves his children (will be the same with his grandchildren) & is not insecure towards a child being a bigger priority vs himself.

 

Did you even read his post?

 

But my wife insists on staying at their home for weeks and then coming home to me for a few days and back to their home for another few weeks.

 

She's home a few days out of every 6 or 7 weeks. Whoknew30, under those circumstances, why would she want to be married? Would make more sense for everyone involved were she just to move in with the kids and become a full-time "ayi"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

Did you even read his post?

 

 

 

She's home a few days out of every 6 or 7 weeks. Whoknew30, under those circumstances, why would she want to be married? Would make more sense for everyone involved were she just to move in with the kids and become a full-time "ayi"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It’s a 2 hour drive there & back. Maybe you personally don’t think it’s. Big deal but as I said, I wouldn’t want to drive that. He never mentioned moving closer & or sitting down with a solution, just complaints. She just had her first grandchild, I’m sure she didn’t know how much she was going to that child.

Edited September 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

My mother often spends months with my brother and his family. His fiance hates it.

My brother feels like he has to put up with my mother's intrusion because my mother has done so much for her grandson.

 

My parents have a very unhappy marriage so they don't mind spending months apart.