Boyfriend is heartbreaking

[MamaWithAnxiety]

So I've been dating this guy (I'll call him Joe for privacy reasons) for almost 6 months. Joe and I used to be neighbors about 11 years ago, back when I was married and he was dating/living with his girlfriend. They had a child together while we were neighbors and his gf had a son. Years later they got married and moved. I also had gotten divorced and moved. We reconnected back in March of this year. We went on a vacation together in May. We started out hot and heavy and moved super fast. We even looked at houses/apartments together when my lease was coming due. Ultimately, we did not move in together. He backed off because he wasn't ready to introduce his daughter to me. We already had had a "coincidental meet up" at a park while I had my daughter with and he has his daughter with. During that "accidental" meet up, we all walked together, talked together, just had a fun time. At this time he still wasn't ready to introduce me as his girlfriend. Oh, I forgot to mention he is still married but he and his ex have already been living in separate places and their relationship crumbled years ago. They only got married for health insurance reasons. So anyways, during the county fair in July, we planned another "accidental" meeting. His daughter and my kids had a great time together and we all enjoyed the fair together. At this point he still isn't comfortable to introduce me yet. He says we have to be together for 6 months at least. It will be 6 months in September.

 

Meanwhile his landlord is basically making him feel like he is being pushed out of his apartment. There is no lease signed. So I helped him move stuff out today.

 

He has been feeling more and more distant lately, he doesn't ask me to come over anymore. I always go to his place, he rarely comes to mine but never sleeps over. I feel like I'm the one making the effort lately.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking but I wish I knew where to go, what to do. He talks long term still but I'm not sure if that's what he wants.

[BaileyB]

He talks long term, but his actions don't back that up.

 

Actions, are more important than words...

 

It seems to me, he has a lot of excuses in life - reasons why he got married, why he's not divorced, why he is leaving his apartment... This is not a guy who has a vision for his life and makes things happen...

 

And yeah, I forgot... He may not be living with his wife, but he is still married. You would be wise not to invest anything more into this man until he gets those papers signed. Do not move in with this man. And, do not introduce your kids to him again until you are sure it's going to be long term.

[FMW]

I think his still being married is a pretty big thing, not just an "Oh I forgot to mention" thing.

 

He's not letting go of his marriage, he doesn't want his daughter to know you as anything other than a casual acquaintance (maybe because she would tell her mom? And/or he just doesn't see things being long term), he doesn't spend nights with you anymore, he doesn't invite you over........

 

I think you need to back off, stop initiating contact and get togethers and see what kind of effort he puts into your relationship. Talk is cheap and meaningless when he doesn't back it up with actions. Make sure he's as invested as you are before you give any more.

[Redhead14]

So I've been dating this guy (I'll call him Joe for privacy reasons) for almost 6 months. Joe and I used to be neighbors about 11 years ago, back when I was married and he was dating/living with his girlfriend. They had a child together while we were neighbors and his gf had a son. Years later they got married and moved. I also had gotten divorced and moved. We reconnected back in March of this year. We went on a vacation together in May. We started out hot and heavy and moved super fast. We even looked at houses/apartments together when my lease was coming due. Ultimately, we did not move in together. He backed off because he wasn't ready to introduce his daughter to me. We already had had a "coincidental meet up" at a park while I had my daughter with and he has his daughter with. During that "accidental" meet up, we all walked together, talked together, just had a fun time. At this time he still wasn't ready to introduce me as his girlfriend. Oh, I forgot to mention he is still married but he and his ex have already been living in separate places and their relationship crumbled years ago. They only got married for health insurance reasons. So anyways, during the county fair in July, we planned another "accidental" meeting. His daughter and my kids had a great time together and we all enjoyed the fair together. At this point he still isn't comfortable to introduce me yet. He says we have to be together for 6 months at least. It will be 6 months in September.

 

Meanwhile his landlord is basically making him feel like he is being pushed out of his apartment. There is no lease signed. So I helped him move stuff out today.

 

He has been feeling more and more distant lately, he doesn't ask me to come over anymore. I always go to his place, he rarely comes to mine but never sleeps over. I feel like I'm the one making the effort lately.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking but I wish I knew where to go, what to do. He talks long term still but I'm not sure if that's what he wants.

 

 

Stop making any effort. Sit back and observe. Put a time limit for yourself, say a week, tops. This is not about "waiting" for him, it's about you giving yourself time to get your head around what you probably need to do and just confirm for yourself. In the meantime, you're going out, you're not as available and you're focusing on just you. If he starts picking things up and demonstrating a more sincere approach, then you can reconsider. If he's still sketchy or doesn't reach out, block and delete him. Don't string yourself along.

[TheRainbow]

I mean almost six months isn't that long of a time. Give him some time.