Just ranting...

[fishtaco]

I'm just ranting, sorry.

 

So I recently hooked up with this woman. I really enjoy spending time with her, and things were going well, so I thought I'll end up dating her. Well I did "hook up" with her so I guess I can't complain, but it turned out she just wants to be friends with benefits. The rules are: it doesn't have to be a secret that we're making the beast with two backs, but no public display of affection.

 

I have to say I'm disappointed. I've been through way worse before, so I'm not devastated or anything; I still function normally. But I am showing the signs... missing her every second she's not with me, lost interest in entertainment type activites, changed appetite and sleeping habits. But not to the degree where it impacts anything serious (so I don't feel like watching movies anymore, and I have to force feed myself... big deal).

 

I'm not worried, since I know sooner or later I'll get over it. Some may even advice me to take it easy on the "benefits" portion of the FWB agreement. But if I don't do that then I won't be getting any, so no way.

 

She may continue to attempt to meet other men, since there is no exclusivity requirement according to the usual basic FWB agreement. I guess I should try to meet other women too. But I think this will push me to press for FWB/open dating type arrangements with other women I meet (if I meet any), since any exclusive relationship will require the termination of the FWB agreement with her.

 

There's a party coming up that we're both attending where she has already warned me that she may flirt/hook up with other guys, should she decide to take the option (of course I have the same option also). But for me personally, called me old fashioned, I won't hit up on other women if she's around. I just hope I can keep my conviction after a few beers, and that I won't be doing it "just to show her". Damn alcohol. It will be an interesting party to say the least.

 

Anyhow, just wanted to get this off my chest... I already feel better. Comments welcome, but not necessary, thanks for reading.

[shamen]

Just be careful, fishtaco. FWB can get messy, especially when you already have feelings for this woman...

 

I had one for a little bit and it only lasted a month. Damn. Hoping it would last longer, but he started expressing feelings and I wigged. I'm too afraid to get involved.

[fishtaco]

Thanks for the reply shaman. I think I'm going to have a talk with her. I have no problem bringing my "interest level" down to FWB level, it won't be pleasant, but I can do it (and it'll be transparent to her). I've never been popular with women, so I've had to do these sort of self-adjustments quite a bit, so I'm used to it. I just don't want her to change her mind later. Once I make the adjustment, it'll be extremely difficult to reverse.

 

I have informants that have told me her track record of staying FWB hasn't been good. I just don't want the situation where she's all for it now, until I adjust my attitude and exercise my FWB rights and sleeps with someone else, then all of a sudden she's not okay with it anymore. Technically it shouldn't be my problem, but I am suffering from the personality defect known as Nice Guy Syndrome, so I would actually care. Won't be enough to reverse the attitude adjustment, but enough to make me feel like crap.

 

I think I'm doing the right thing (as someone that cares), but if I lose my sex privileges over this, Team Nice Guy gets another negative score... but that's nothing new.

[shamen]

FWB is certainly confusing. That's all I wanted and then I felt more. So did he. It got weird, and I ran because I wasn't sure what he wanted either. Ugh.

 

I certainly hope that you feel that being a nice guy is a good thing. I like nice guys when I'm ready for something. Maybe your girl just isn't ready... Exclusivity is scary for many people.

 

Why doesn't she want to date you? Has she given you a reason?

 

I understand that you might feel bad if you slept with someone else. I fooled around with some other guy while I was still with my FWB and I stopped it because I was thinking about my FWB. Really weird. But my FWB certainly didn't feel bad when he hooked up with his new girl. Somehow I think that he thought I would be like, "Whatever," but I was jealous anyway.

 

At the same time, like you said, there is no exclusivity agreement. So, you should be allowed to do what you want. That's why this whole FWB thing is extremely weird. I don't know that I'll be able to do it again. (But I still want to have sex with my previous FWB though.)

 

So, good luck with your conversation with this girl. Be really clear with her that if you two become FWB that it will be difficult to change back into a dating situation later....

[Gold Pile]

If you watch your emotions, having sex with someone you really like is better than not seeing her at all.

 

Maybe you shouldn't be so set on her. Both of you enjoy the sex, but keep an eye out for someone you want build something with.

 

I've found it's easier to score points with many women, if you're already with another.

[fishtaco]

FWB is certainly confusing. That's all I wanted and then I felt more. So did he. It got weird, and I ran because I wasn't sure what he wanted either. Ugh.

 

Yeah, I know what you're saying, you never know if you've made the right decision...

 

No comment on the nice guy thing, it's been said too many times on this board already I shouldn't have even mentioned it... I guess I was just feeling down at the time.

 

Why doesn't she want to date you? Has she given you a reason?

 

She said she has problems with relationships. Her mom treated her dad badly, so she has a tendency to do the same with men that are close to her. So she's implying that she doesn't want a relationship with me because she'll ruin it. For me, I try to work on my inter-personal skills all the time. If I'm with someone and I'm aware of my problems, I'll try to work on them instead of using them to justify being a jerk. She's already done that to me once, or so she claims that's the reason. And instead of being passive-aggressive or letting my temper flare up, I had an open conversation with her the next day and worked it out. So I'm willing to help her through it, but she's not willing.

 

Also she's going to school and working at the same time, so she doesn't have time for all this. This is totally a weak excuse. If you want something, you'll make time for it.

 

I had a conversation with her last night, and just as your advice, I told her once I become FWB, I won't be able to change back. I'm going to have another conversation with her tonight, and I won't pry, but I'll try to get to the real reason why she doesn't want to date me. But that'll be my secondary objective. Primary is sort of an ultimatum. I want her to really understand that I will do what I say, and this is her only window of opportunity for something more serious.

 

And GP, I agree with you, that's why I'm going to continue the FWB relationship no matter what (that is until I meet someone serious).

 

Thanks for your input shamen & GP, talking to you about it certainly made me feel a bit better.

[fishtaco]

So I had the conversation with her last night. What had happened was that last Friday was the last time that I was with her. I was supposed to spend the night at her place, at her invitation. We had a wonderful time, which I will spare you the details, but it wasn't just sex. When I arrived, she was so happy to see me she was practically bouncing up and down, which is a behavior I personally don't associate with being horny (I could be wrong), and plus other things that led me to believe we had a spark that night. Then all of a sudden she kicked me out later in that night with no reason (after I spent about 3 hours with her). My take on it was that she felt the spark, got scared, and booted me. She did apologize later for her behavior and gave some weak excuse for her action.

 

So I questioned her straight out if she had felt the spark that night. She would not admit it. And I was able to get her to say that she's not interested in me at all. At that point, basically there's nothing else I can go on, and I felt that "not interested" is pretty much the ultimate reason for not dating someone, so I didn't go for the secondary objective of trying to figure out why she doesn't want to date me. After that I turn the conversation into normal friendly chit-chat, and had a great conversation with her. But I did let her know twice that this change will be permanent, and both times she said she's fine with it.

 

So as of now we are still FWB, and that's it. But really she has the lead since she's the one that's always "busy". Since we are only FWB, I will not question her being "busy" because that's outside of the boundaries. And I will start to establish other open relationships. If anything serious happens, then the benefits portion of our relationship will end.

 

I didn't sleep last night. I don't feel good, but I'm not heart broken and depressed like I have in the past. So I'm not sure why I couldn't fall asleep. I wasn't thinking about this whole situation either (by the time I went to bed), my mind was just drifting around with random thoughts just like normally what happens before I fall asleep. But I never did. Oh well, I'll get over it.

[shamen]

Hey fishtaco,

 

Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry that that's all she wants with you. You never know though, maybe she'll change her mind someday. But, at the moment, I don't think that you should count on it, obviously.

 

Are you comfortable with leaving it as FWB? I assume that you are going to try to date other people? I think that you should, if she doesn't want the commitment that you want with her.

 

I think that so much of our relationships really are about timing... sounds like with this one it's just the wrong time.

 

I feel your pain, fishtaco. I'm there too. But I am the girl here, knowing that I can't have a relationship with my FWBs... I think that I'm almost ready to start dating again. It's scaring me a bit. What will I tell my FWBs? I haven't decided yet... but he is dating, so he shouldn't be too disappointed.