How on earth do I move forward from this complete mess?

[Lovehel]

I just need to talk about this...I will probably come across as a complete whining baby but here it goes....

 

I am 25 female. I live with my mother younger brother and sister. I really just feel my whole adult life has been one big disaster after another and I don't see it ever really changing. Yes there are moments where I feel content or happy or at peace, but there is always a disaster just waiting to happen. It makes me feel like giving up sometimes. I do my best to try and connect with people and be social and I can be, and I can have fun but I always still feel like an outsider and just someone peering into life...no matter how hard I try I never feel like I belong...I don't feel like I belong anywhere..I feel like a nuisance a lot of the time. Anyway I will stop complaining and stick to the facts in the next paragraph.

 

At 18 after suffering terribly from social anxiety I meet a guy in a new school I went to for my final school exam. I fall madly in love, and just head over heels for this person. I feel incredibly lucky to have him in my life and he really meant the world to me. For the first time in years life felt good, too good at times. It just felt easy everything was so easy, nothing really got to me and I felt I had this rock by my side so I could overcome anything that was thrown my way or happened. I lived a lot for the moment and just savouring the moments and that I did. I am someone who doesn't need a lot of people in my life, I like meeting new people sometimes and especially if we click then it is great, but at the time I really felt content with him and loved spending time alone when I wasn't with him or time with my mother, siblings. I never had a desire to go out and be social a lot. I was fully contented with my life. I remember I was in and out of different courses for the next years, I still wasn't sure what career I wanted so I did part time jobs in retail or waiting sometimes full time, I would then give that up and try a course and then I would find that very difficult and struggle with that and would end up leaving that and it was like a yoyo just in and out of different things...but never really felt I was going anywhere. I felt I was passing time a lot, but it didn't bother me because I was so madly in love and at the time it didn't really bring me down, I just dealt with it. Anyway fast forward 5 years later he is cheating on me with a woman who I was never allowed to meet and kept denying he was cheating that she was a friend although my gut said otherwise...he called me so many names- crazy, dramatic, idiotic, stupid, dumb, whenever I would try have a serious talk about my feelings, he just didn't care at all how I felt. I then would bottle up my feelings so that wouldn't happen or else they would explode after 6 months and I was painted as an unstable evil person that he shouldn't be with and if I don't change he will leave me. It was like I was constantly just trying to do what I was told out of fear of abandonment. So 6 years in to the relationship, at 24, I remember he said he was going to Italy to deal with an apartment his mother owned. We were talking and getting on fine while he was over there, he calls me a few days before he comes back and says he is moving for good back there, and its up to me of I want to go. At this point I had just done a year access course as a mature student to get into college and was devastated that he wasn't going to help support me or be there for me like I was for him through his course for 4 years. He ends up coming back and I said I just didn't feel like seeing him that I was very hurt he would make that decision without even discussing it first, I had dedicated 6 years of my life to him and it felt like it meant nothing. I was really down in myself when he texted me saying that he was done with me and good luck with my small life.

 

A month later I went on his facebook and noticed he was in a relationship, with a girl he looked very cosy with in pictures with at a bar he was in four months previous. There were different photos of them by the professional camera at the event showing them very touchy feely together and just looking infatuated. It made me more down because I thought how did I not see that at the time and how did I pay not attention to those pictures. He ended up being with her a week later and moving to Italy with her after a few months. It was a complete kick in the teeth because I was loyal and went through so much with him for 6 years and he was fine to leave me and to go live with someone he knew for a few months...it made me feel so unimportant and just horrible about myself. He was out at events having fun with a new relationship all the same friends, while I was completely depressed, struggling to do the simplest of tasks without crying for months.

 

Anyway they are still together a year and a half later and in Italy while I have been by myself trying to figure life and myself out. I have been in the loneliest of places I didn't even know was possible and some of the darkest places in my mind this past year and a half. I struggled badly with depression utpo a year after the break up and slowly started feeling like I want to live again, sometimes I just think I don't have the strength for this life. I do my best to meet people and have fun which I haven't in such a long time. I met someone from the tinder app who I talked to for weeks, I ended up using some of my sisters fake tan who was being very mean about it asking me to pay her 30 for the bottle, so I quickly put some on the night before, but forgot to put it back. When I came home she was there waiting for me storms in and screaming at me for using the fake tan, saying how I now owe her a whole bottle and the money even though I just used a bit. I try to defend myself and my mother then joins in on ganging up against me. My younger sister says how I an 25 and should start acting like it, not like I am 15. I feel like crying but was not going to show her she was getting to me. She also brought up the fact that I went to the social office last week to see of any entitlements, I hadn't claimed anything for a year and they said I am entitled to something each week it is not what I want to do but it felt right at the time, she brought that up to and started berating me as if I am a disgrace to the family. She said you are nearly 30 and then started talking about me in a degrading way to my mother as if I wasn't in the room. My mother let her say whatever she wanted and when I tried to defend myself she would join in so I just gave up. That night I went out to meet the person for a drink from tinder I brought my bag and took my purse out only to pay for the transport. I didn't use it again and somehow when I get home it is missing, I rang the bar they don't have it. It had all my cards in it and stupidly almost all my cash everything...which will take time to gather again. My mother just looked at me like a complete disappointment when I told her, I just wanted someone to confide in instead I get harsh judging commentary. I am starting to think they are all right. Maybe I am just a complete dumb joke of a human and bad things should just happen to me.

 

The one thing that would give me a sense of control would be to move out of here but because I applied for the claim it only allows me to work 18 hours a week I think...so I am going to see if there is anywhere I could do that. Also I want to move out but I have two pets a dog and a cat that really depend on me and I can't house share with them. They have been the one thing in my life that doesn't make me feel bad so they are really what makes me want to stay and feel I need to stay. I feel responsible for them and extremely loyal to them. They have been with me through all the trials and tribulations by my side never judging me.

 

I am just pretty down right now because my family is right in so many ways. I could have gone to college have a degree and get a proper paying job and have somewhat a decent lifestyle now with some yard for the pets and maybe they would be proud of me and not see me as a failure in life. They gave me a second chance this year to repeat and I didn't leave the house die to depression. Only at the start of the summer did I start feeling somewhat alive again. I am sure if I want to go back I would have to pay the full fee which I cannot afford or take out a loan for. Maybe I should deal with my humiliation and know for sure? Right now I can only work for a basic wage and don't think I have it in me in right now to commit to a full time course for years or have the money or even know which exact course I should do, even though I have researched many. I feel stuck completely stuck and like I don't see a way out, other than finding a minimum wage job, abandoning the pets and living in a shared room, the financially smartest thing to do is to stay here. My options just feel scary. I'm terrified. I'm ashamed of being a failure to myself and my family and sometimes think what was the point of me being born. All I do is f*ck everything up. I am a complete f*ck up in this life, and I'm starting to really see no way out of this. I wanted to try acting this year and was actually trying to be positive about it but my sister always rubs in my face how she is in medicine and how difficult her life is, but that it will be worth it when she is rich. All she cares about is money and she sees me as a complete loser with no life plan, which maybe she's right. She makes fun of me on a constant basis and makes horrible comments that would make anyone feel like the smallest person in the world. I was thinking maybe of studying massage therapy and doing that as a career for a while because it seems like it would be a calm environment

 

 

I did try counselling last year and it was me talking about just problems, like parents divorce being ostracized from fathers family for a decade him ostracizing us for two years and how I have no idea what I want to do with my life again. I didn't feel it really helped that much though, she was very positive and nice to me but I felt that was just her job to be that way, I didn't really feel she cared that it was her job to makes people more functional and she did try.

 

I do my best to get up and fight in this life when I need to but it just never seems good enough. I try to force myself to exercise and go out and do the right thing but I am not sure it doesn't seem to pay off, and at this point I am doubting and insecure taking a course on since I have only completed one short one.

 

I hope someone can help me makes sense of all this and maybe give me some guidance one way or another. I want to live a fulfilling life where I can actually wake up and feel good about myself and not always down on my luck.

 

Also is it normal that my family feel they can say anything to me, start yelling at me screaming at me over the smallest of things? Such as I didn't leave a charger out of my room and my mother brings it up to argue and fight and says how that is not "kind". Everything is about appeasing them. They need to get off my back. I can't stand how controlling they are. Why am I only seeing it now as well. I think I might have been trauma bonded to them because of things that happened in the home I felt nobody else would understand and so moving away from them felt like moving from people who understand or "get me" to people who will never be able to comprehend me, so I saw them as this pillar in my life that I needed to hold onto and I am starting to actually feel like they never were that to begin with that it was my imagination.

 

Thanks guys, sorry for the long read. Hope someone reads it.

[Soak]

Hey, sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

 

The stand-out theme in your post is that you're listening to other people. Whilst people talk and you are exposed to their thoughts, it's sometimes a good idea to nod and smile and keep your thoughts to yourself!

 

In relation to the ex, he's an ex, so it's prob a good idea to let all of that go. Go through the processes of grieving, but learn to accept it's over and don't look at social media for a while.

 

You're not too old to go to uni. I know people who have done it in their thirties.

 

Just take some quiet time out and enrol in a course that has good job prospects and something you will enjoy. Maybe your mum is getting frustrated with you, but it might be time to do this for yourself.

 

Good luck

[snowboy91]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this - I can only begin to get how stuck you must feel.

 

It's really sad to see that your family doesn't understand the crippling nature of mental health issues. Between social anxiety (earlier) and depression, it makes sense that you haven't been able to study like you would like to and it's really awful of them to put you down like that when they need to be the ones to support you.

 

You say that staying with your family is the smartest "financial" decision, but is it the smartest decision for your own sanity? I became a much happier person when I moved out of home - my parents were great and supportive people, but you can't put a price on a sense of independence. In your case it's likely their constant berating is what's triggering your negative self beliefs. Is there a reason why you can't house share with pets? It's actually more common than you think (here, anyway... is it different in your country/city?). Also if you can get a job that has more than 18 hours, but pays better than entitlements, then that's a win. Or are there other entitlements you can get that will pay you close to a living wage if you're also studying?

 

I can also understand why you keep tabs on your ex - he represents a happier time in your life. Unfortunately he's just that now, an ex - and so you should block him on all social media for a while. Completely no contact. It's only adding to your pain, this will help you heal on the relationship front at the very least.

 

Finally, a comment about counselling - yes it is their job to listen and be positive, but they also need to help determine strategies to help you improve. They're not going to fix everything - you're the one who will need to do the heavy lifting to get your mental health on track. But a lot of that hinges on getting the right counsellor for you. If one isn't working, try others until you find one that works well for you. It's a lot of work but it really pays off in the long run.

 

Hope things start to get better for you soon!

[BaileyB]

I’ve looked back over your posting history... I would suggest that you find a different Counsellor and go back to counselling.

 

You have a lot of issues to work out, not the least of which is a history of very abusive relationships. And this is complicated by the fact that you have been dealing with depression. You need a very good Counsellor, my friend.

 

I hope you can find your way...

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know it feels insurmountable but you have the power to fix this. You simply need to tap into it.

 

First get a new therapist. Yes, talking about your problems is important but so is finding a therapist who will teach you tools to cope. CBT is a good one.

 

Start reading self help books & some books about life coaching. Coaching is more pro-active the therapy but not a substitute for it.

 

Now figure out some goals for yourself. It seems like graduating from college, getting a good job & moving out from your family are some good goals to start with. Sit down & write out by hand preferably but you can type them on your computer if you must, all the steps you need to take to achieve that goal:

 

1. Figure out if you have any college credits

 

2. Get accepted into a college (that may have steps of it's own like taking an entrance exam)

 

3. Securing the money you need to pay for college

 

4. Identifying a major & understanding the prerequisites you need to graduate.

 

 

Don't let anything or anybody sway you from that goal. My husband didn't graduate from college until he was in his mid 30s. His determination made me love him more.

 

 

You are not a complete f**k-up. You are depressed & every emotion is magnified. You take care of your animals. You are reliable. Continue doing that.