LONG POST. Husband goes out too often. Am I being unreasonable?

[Cookielady08]

So I’m here really looking for some feedback on whether or not I’m being irrational/unreasonable.

 

So Dr H and I have been married for 10 years. We have 2 kids. He is currently working as a hospitalist and I am a special ed teacher; however, I have my summers off and I currently have another week home. Our two oldest boys (ages 9 and 7) went to day camp most days during the summer but I still have my 2 year old daughter with me. Dr. H is currently on a 6 week stretch of work. He picked up a few extra shifts because we are remodeling our kitchen and could use the extra money. I was given the opportunity to work this summer as to make extra money but he was pretty adamant about me not doing it. He said he preferred to work so that I could be there for the kids.

 

One of the biggest issues that we’ve had during the course of our marriage is that I believe that he goes out too much after work while I’m always with the kids and don’t have the ability to really get out too much. During the school year I work 8-4 and they take the kids to all of their activities, cook dinner, do homework etc. Now if we rewind back about 8 years things were really bad. And it’s somerhing we argued about a lot because I was always upset. I can say that things are a ALOT better from then but still not where I think they should be. He believes that because he’s not as bad as he used to be that I should just be accepting of where he is now.

 

Two nights ago him and I went out for dinner and had a great night. He brought up two of our neighborhood friends and how he didn’t think they’re husbands were giving them enough attention and that they always look miserable. He basically believes they have some struggles. I didn’t fully agree with him but asked him what he saw as my struggles since he’s now in the business of analyzing people. He claimed it is harder to tell with me because he lives with me and knows me. Both of these women’s husbands work a lot and come home very late. The day before our dinner date I had actually arranged for a sitter to watch my daughter for two hours while I had lunch with a former co-worker. While we were having dinner he was telling me how he didn’t realize I hadn’t had one single day all summer for just ME without any kids. He said how bad he felt etc.

 

So yesterday he gets up and does to work around 8:30am. He ended up being done for the day early so he texted me about driving to meet him with the kids about 40 mins away to a free outdoor concert with his two sisters. I was in the middle taking care of something in the house and was tired especially from being out late at dinner the night before. However I gave him time to get there and then texted him to see if it was worth coming because I was willing to come out. He wrote back and said he didn’t think they kids would enjoy it. So I decided why pack up everyone because at their point it was around 4pm. He said they concert lasted until 7pm. I asked him to stop and pick up a specialty food item for me that is sold in the area he was in. Anyway he didn’t end up getting home to 10pm. I know he had to drop his sisters off and then got caught up because one sister decided she was going someplace other than the original place he dropped her off at. So I’m reallt trying my best not to be irrational but in light of our conversation the previous night about him feeling bad about me always being with the kids this seemed like a bit of a smack in the face. Or almost like he didn’t truly mean what he said.

 

So of course I brought it up and he felt like because he doesn’t do it every night it shouldn’t be an issue. He didn’t see it as almost the same thing he was talking about with our neighborhood friends. Since July 4th he has stopped off after work somewhere about 14 times. That’s a lot to me. I asked him how he would feel if it was reversed and would he be ok with it. He definitively said no. So the conversation became more intense and I was trying to make him understand that I’m always with the kids and he just freely goes out with his friends when he feels like it. Once during a smilie conversation he even told me that I don’t nurture my friendships. That was so hurtful because I was once a very social person who connected with my friends often but that changed when I became a mom. So to tell me I don’t nurture is not by choice. I don’t have his freedoms. Its so easy for him. I have no issues with him meeting friends every so often but I think it’s excessive. I’ve been quiet all summer when he said he was meeting someone because he is working a lot and I don’t want him to feel like all he is doing is working.

 

As the argument progressed he yelled at me that I don’t pay half of the bills. So I asked where that came from. Obviously I don’t make as much money as him. He said it wasn’t about the money but about his contributions. And he felt that because I kept saying how I was always with the kids and he gets to hang out with his friends that I’m basically implying that his contributions don’t matter and that things aren’t equal cause we don’t pay equal. I was at a complete loss with that. I would have never thought he would have brought money into it. When he was a resident I made more money than him. The summer after he finished residency he didn’t work at all so I supported us and 2 babies. His last two years in med school I paid his full cellphone bill every month and never asked him for a dime. He said well we’ve lived in this house for 5 years and I don’t pay half. I’m just so hurt, but am I wrong? I didnt say anything about him not being a good father to the kids or anything. He mentioned that he works longer hours than I do so we can’t talk about things being equal. So I shouldn’t expect other things to be equal. Sorry for the long post. I just need some other perspectives.

[BaileyB]

It's never good when peole begin to keep score in a relationship. Marriage is a partnership. If he fails to understand that you need to work together and that both of your contributions go toward the collective whole of you family... Well, that's not good.

 

I believe, he was trying to distract you from the topic at hand. And, I would say that he was successful.

[hippychick3]

I think that since he is making all this extra money, you should spend more on babysitters in the evening so you can go out together or with your own friends at least a couple nights a week. Is he spending his weekends with you? How much time does he spend with the kids? I think it's important that you have set family time together for all of you, set date nights together for just the 2 of you, and set "friends" nights together for each of you separately or together.

 

Also, you said you had 2 kids together, but you mentioned 3 kids. Is the 2 y/o daughter his child as well?

[Mr. Lucky]

Since July 4th he has stopped off after work somewhere about 14 times.

 

Well, that's roughly twice a week, seems like a lot with a wife and three kids at home, especially if he already has a taxing work schedule.

 

How involved is he in your children's lives?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cookielady08]

Well he’s been working most weekends this summer. We did go away as a family the second week in July. He did not spend yesterday with me and as of now at 5pm he still isn’t home and I’m sure he’s not still at the hospital. He was supposed to have some friends over this evening. Kinda a couples thing but after last nights argument he didn’t mention it and I imagine he probably made up an excuse to cancel them all coming over. I feel like it’s a complete disregard for how it makes me feel. His thought process is because he doesn’t go out and stay out late nearly as much as he did years ago that that means he does care about my feelings because he has changed. He also thinks because he verbally expresses that he wants me to be happy and have time to myself that it means he truly cares. I feel like he ignores my happiness as long as he doing his own thing. All three kids are ours. When he is home he does interact with the kids. When one of the boys has a sports game he makes every effort to get home in time for it.

[S2B]

Of course you have every right to feel however you feel!

 

I think you should begin living life a bit differently than you do now.

 

Schedule two nights out each week! Do what pleases you. A massage, a pedicure or time shopping or with friends.

 

Give him the option - he can schedule that time with his kids or a babysitter can be arranged.

 

These are HIS kids too, right? He needs to become more involved instead of dumping all of the kid/household responsibilities into you only!

 

He's a schmuck for playing the "I make more money" card!!!

 

His ego is out of balance and his gratitude is near none.

 

Stop doing SO much! Leave things for him to do.

 

He wants a wife, kids and a home taken care of? He needs to start participating MORE.

 

Counseling may help - as his ego isn't going to get in check easily with his attitude.

 

Why are you questioning yourself? Don't!

 

And it's interesting he's paying more attention to how his neighbors must feel instead of focusing on your feelings!

 

Get honest with him! Tell him "this isn't working for me"!

 

Give him a list of things he can do better - and if he doesn't choose to participate more - then it's time for you to be on your own and allow him to see how hard it is keeping up with everyone else's needs while forgoing your own basic needs.

 

That's right - show him his life has been cushy - and that without you and your help he would be stuck doing everything himself!

 

He seems selfish and self centered. You may not be able to change him - so be ready to change this FOR YOURSELF!

[ExpatInItaly]

Where does he go all the time?

[FMW]

No, you are not being unreasonable.

 

It's stunning that he brings up money when you are the one raising his children and making a comfortable home for him. So clueless and disrespectful.

[S2B]

Have you ever checked on where he is and who he is with?

 

Have you ever wondered if he might be having an affair?

[Cookielady08]

He stops off sometimes at his bestfriends house or maybe they go for drinks at a local bar.

[S2B]

He stops off sometimes at his bestfriends house or maybe they go for drinks at a local bar.

 

Have you checked to be sure this is where he actually is?

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, sorry you're going through this ... yeah, his behavior and absence is troubling ... very troubling, very isolating ...

 

I want to ask some questions because I'm thinking the problem isn't just that he doesn't do his share of the house and kid work. Sounds like he's emotionally checking out of the family life in a big way. And hiding behind his high salary as a hospitalist.

 

When he does come home, is he highly attentive to you? ... Does he bring you gifts, check in with you? ... Like is he emotionally present and engaged and reasonably open? ... Does he recommend and plan for activities that YOU are interested in? ... or that you both like? ... Is he lovingly affectionate?

 

These are key questions to my mind for figuring out if there is a bigger problem in the marriage than the time at home issue.

[Cookielady08]

Yes he is attentive to me when he is home. Very affectionate. Always offering compliments. Not a jerk to me minus the things he said during last night’s argument. I fully believe he is where he says he is. He’ll sometimes send me photos or FaceTime me.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, so he treats you really well otherwise ...good--at least for now--good!!!

 

But ... at some point ... his behavior IS going to really bother you ... such that you will start to seriously dislike him ... and resent him ... that's the pattern I've seen in marriages where the wife feels like she is doing way more household work than the husband is.

 

Translation: I would say you have a year or a year and a half based on your words here ... before your resentment infects the relationship ... At some point, you are going to emotionally withdraw if he doesn't help you more. He's apparently clueless about this right now, but you should not be.

 

You might want to consider therapy for yourself ... and getting help renegotiating the relationship ... Just from your initial posts, it seems you accepted an unequal deal at the start ... so that when he improved, he thought he was doing great ... Which may mean you overpraised him for minor improvement and didn't demand enough. And apparently you didn't know how to tell him the truth! ...

 

So ... that's why I think therapy for yourself can really be good ... Because you can develop a strategy for renegotiating things that fits your personality but that is more effective than simply complaining.

 

And with a really good therapist, you can develop this strategy over time ... gradually ... and you might find (with another person thinking along side you) there are other ways to lesson your housework. How about you bring in someone to clean and do the laundry regularly and take that off your plate? ... How about you hire babysitters more often? ... How about you order meals delivered once or twice a week? ... But even making those requests will require some confidence and increased assertiveness on your part, and that's what you can practice building up in therapy.

 

But definitely get busy on this ... because I've seen time after time women in your position ending up just shutting down on their partners ... even when they didn't think that would happen.

[S2B]

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

You want it to change. He likely doesn't want change.

 

If you want it to change - you have to get willing to upset the apple cart.

 

Don't pretend to be happy if you're not. Have a voice and state exactly how you feel.

 

He's not a mind reader. When you're unhappy - say so... and suggest several solutions that could help you.

 

Why can't you have a sitter watch the kids two times a week during the day so you can do a few things that make you happy?

 

I suggest that knowing he's likely not going to stay home with the kids twice a week while you go out - so you need to have realistic solutions.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

You want it to change. He likely doesn't want change.

 

If you want it to change - you have to get willing to upset the apple cart.

 

I've seen friends set this up in their marriages, a (in their mind) "best of both" worlds scenario where they have a wife to take care of kids, hearth and home and a semi-single lifestyle on the side. Often the spouse is a SAHM or there's an income imbalance that builds a sense of entitlement.

 

I agree with S2B, if you want change and discussion hasn't worked, you'll have flip the switch and put those things in place that allow you time to pursue your own interests, with or without him. Seems to me, at this point the ball's in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

And if it were me - I'd just set up a sitter for certain days/times each week.

 

Then do what you wish during those timeframes.

 

I hope you're not thinking you need his approval to do that.

 

He seems to go when he wants and with who he chooses.

 

You deserve your down time too. If he doesn't like the money spent then he should cut back on his outings.