What can I DO so my wife trusts me again?

[iaw9012]

I cheated on my wife. There is no other way to say it. I messed up.

My wife filled for divorce. I don't want the divorce. I truly love her.

She says she doesn't trust me any more. She says she is afraid that if she comes back to me, I will do it again and she will not survive.

But she also says she wants me to DO something that will be a foundation for our new future (no words though!). It's about DOING something to convince her to give me second chance.

What can I DO to regain her trust? What can I DO?

Please help.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Watch the movie Fireproof. It's a slightly hokey Christian movie with Kirk Cameron, but it has a really great message.

[Ralph79]

Hello OP

 

I will skip the usual "You deserve this" type comments that will be of no help to your current question.

 

Things that occur to me:

 

1) Go to couples therapy. You did more harm than you can begin to realize to her. If she truly is giving you a chance to come up with a solution as you say, then this is a no-brainer.

 

2) Prove to her that you are really sorry about what happened. And put yourself in a situation where you can't be tempted to do this again. Sever any possible contact you have with the OW. If you want to take this 1 step further, ask her if she wants to go public with what has happened, and if she does then "man-up" and be accountable for your actions. Ultimately this is not a good idea but at this point, you need to let her know that you are willing to put everything on the line for her.

 

3) Once she accepts ANY terms , afterwards (and only afterwards), try and see if you can afford to take a 2nd honeymoon trip.

 

She has complete power over this situation because she has the right to leave you and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to convince her that whatever it is that you can still bring to the relationship is of some value (ie. Complete total support, Openness, other factors I'm unaware of because of lack of info).

 

FYI, there is NOTHING you can do to regain her trust short term. If you do ever convince her to stay with you, she will hang this over your head for several years , and she will have every right to do so. Just make sure you are willing to pay the price of her forgiveness not just now, but also years down the road.

[d0nnivain]

An apology is the best 1st step. Send flowers too.

 

Couple's therapy is a start.

 

Transparency. If you don't already have a family cell phone plan, get one. Let her scroll through your phone & social media daily. Call her at least once per day or text if you must just so she knows you are thinking about her. Enable tracking software on your phone so she can see your location.

 

Move the home computer into a public place, like the TV room.

 

Having passwords is no substitute for trust but after an affair it can be a good foundation to restore trust.

[BaileyB]

Sometimes, you only get one chance.

 

That may have been your one and only chance... And if it is, you need to accept that and move on.

[bathtub-row]

I think you need to do some soul searching before you make attempts to prove yourself. As a female, the first question that comes to my mind is if you were so nuts about her, why did you cheat? The second thing that comes to mind is that you cheated on someone you love. Really bad sign and difficult to back-peddle from.

 

Maybe you’re not as nuts about your wife as you say you are. As the saying goes, don’t gamble if you can’t afford to lose. You were willing to gamble. Maybe you should ask yourself why.

 

Once trust is lost, it’s very hard to get back. Cheating destroyed the innocence in your marriage and you may never get it back. You’ll need to be willing to answer any questions she has and be ultra honest with her. One lie, and you’re dead in the water. It will take time too — sometimes as much as 2 years to get things back on track. You’ll need to prove you’re willing to put in the time and to be transparent about everything from this day forward.

[anika99]

Apologies, flowers, vacations all mean absolutely nothing in this situation. Don't do any of those things as it will just come across as shallow and manipulative.

 

You need to dig deep and find out why you thought it was okay to fool around as a married man. Figure out why you had so little respect for your wife and your marriage. This is probably going to involve some individual counselling but your wife's needs to know that you are fixing your character flaws and you can't fix your flaws until you identify them. Do you have a pattern of selfishness or dishonesty? Are you conflict avoidant? How did you deal with problems and feelings before you cheated? What needs to change? Those are the issues you need to work on.

 

Secondly you need to reach a place of total remorse and empathy for the hurt you inflicted. It has to stop being all about you and what you want to happen. Right now you are still chasing your own best interest. You want your wife back regardless of what she feels and wants. You need to be able to stop thinking about you and start thinking about her.

 

Its a journey and you won't be able to fake it. When you reach that place of genuine empathy your wife will see it but there are no shortcuts, no way to trick her, so no point in looking for a quick fix.

[aliveagain]

Agree to put the divorce on hold while you get the best independent counselling you can afford. Have a lawyer prepare a post nuptial agreement that gives your wife 80% of all assets if you divorce in the future because of a new infidelity. Pay for the agreement. Give her access to all your forms of communication, complete transparency until she tells you otherwise. Both agree to take a polygraph at any future time one of you requests it. Do the work.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think the OP was looking for a quick fix. While soul searching & genuine remorse is required, making the effort through the apology, the flowers the transparency & the vacation are more concrete steps, superficial though they may be. Reconciliation & rebuilding trust won't happen over night but a BS can't see the soul searching so there has to be outward manifestations of regret too.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think the OP was looking for a quick fix. While soul searching & genuine remorse is required, making the effort through the apology, the flowers the transparency & the vacation are more concrete steps, superficial though they may be. Reconciliation & rebuilding trust won't happen over night but a BS can't see the soul searching so there has to be outward manifestations of regret too.

 

I agree with this. He needs to do both, while also talking to his wife in a heartfelt way.

[daphne]

OP-

 

I strongly encourage you to get the book Divorce Remedy. There's a website as well that has resources. I think they will have more concrete examples of how to demonstrate your ability to improve in the relationship and engender trust in your wife.

[springy]

You know your wife best. Flowers would not have moved me one bit when my spouse cheated on me. I would want to know why you did it, how you put yourself in such a situation, etc...but it is hard to advise with no detail given. Did you fess up or get caught? One time or ongoing? Is this someone you will see again? Details?

[preraph]

Once a person you thought loved you far too much to ever do something completely optional to hurt you betrays you in the worst way, I can pretty much assure you she will never trust you again.

 

So what you're left with is total transparency so if she gets a gut feeling you're up to something, she can check. That means putting a tracker on your phone and giving her the ability to see where you are all the time, blocking all women on social media who don't have a reason to be there such as they're a relative or coworker, and leaving your phone and computer unlocked and accessible to her at any time. Even then, she won't be able to trust you all the way if you have access to a work computer or might be sneaking around having sex on your lunch break.

 

You can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating if they want to, and that's why she'll never trust you again. Counseling is a place to start so maybe they find some reason why you thought that wasn't a bad idea and needed random sex so much you were willing to hurt your wife over it and lose her.

[vla1120]

What would be her incentive to stay? I stayed after my husband cheated, but there were very specific circumstances that led to me staying. Do you have children? If so, you better make your family unit the center of the universe. Your wife may never trust you again. I know I didn't trust my husband again. Eventually, the relationship just eroded to the point that I knew it was time to throw in the towel once my daughters were grown. The only reason I stayed (twice) was because of my children. He was a good father and I knew he would want our children half of the time. I did not want to spend half of my life away from my children, so I did what I needed to do to make that marriage work (probably selfish, but I never would have settled for being a part time parent.)

 

If you have a family, you better be discussing these arrangements with your wife to see if you can hold your family together (amicably) so your kids have both parents in the home. That might be your best chance. I know it was my husband's ONLY chance.