Should I stay friends or cut my losses and leave?

[Aimée]

I need some advice, please.

 

I want to get back with someone, he told me didn't want to. There are a couple of reasons why he doesn't want to, he's in a mobile phase in his life (he's American but studied in England. He will move to the continent and then return to England to continue his studies there. Me, I'm in Europe but I'm not sure where I will be in the next time), he thinks he has issues concerning relationships and also other issues that interfer with his relationships, he doesn't know what he wants out of a relationship (I honestly don't understand what is so difficult about this Could someone explain, please?), I have somewhat a temper problem (I'm working on it though ) and last but not least he isn't sure if we're spiritually compatible. With spiritual compatible he meant to say that he wanted to have this feeling that everything fell into place. It seems a bit fuzzy what he tells me... At least he never had these feeling before with anybody either and it's not only with me that he lacks this feeling. He used to said there was so much pain between us... maybe that's the reason. Nonetheless, I did care for him a lot and I know he cared for me as well but we had a bad communication and therefore many things got blown out of proportion.

 

Apart from this I think he still considers me attractive, smart, fun, etc. and a wonderful person. Maybe it sounds stupid but if I found a guy with all these qualities I would try to keep him. He's telling me all this but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm confused.

 

And before you say it's because of the distance why he's not interested in a relationship - he started dating the same girlfriend again that he had after me even though he broke up with her a couple of months ago. She lives in the States but came to visit him for a stopover before going to another country to work there. He joined here there later for work. On her way back she stopped by again and since then they had been in a long-distance relationship till she stressed him with wanting him to visit her and wanting him to talk with her more often (like a couple of times a day).

 

I'm not sure what his reasons were for dating her again, he said they had the same cultural background, they were in the same working field. He used to say she was even-tempered but if that was what he needed either.

 

I've been trying to work on our communication lately and he tries as well. I have asked him a while ago where we were heading with our friendship and he told me that he wasn't out for a relationship but that he would like to work on our communication and friendship. Maybe I'm wrong but people usually don't work on the communication with their friends, not to this degree at least. Unless there is some sudden issue that arises people usually are friends or they are not friends. There are simply less emotions involved and if you really end up with a person who requires a lot effort to maintain the friendship then I guess most people would just leave and look for someone more compatible. They reason why people invest time and effort to improve communication with their partner is because there are strong feelings involved which can lead to a lot of misunderstanding when people open up and are vulnerable.

 

Should I take his interest in improving our communication as a good sign to continue? Considering our difficulties to communicate properly I wonder if it's better to just go along with this and try to re-establish our friendship that was in the gutter or to cut my losses and move on. I don't want to end in the friends zone and I don't want to see him date other women but I also don't want to leave while there's a chance for reconciliation because honestly, I believe when people leave they shouldn't look back. When it's over, it should be over. I don't think I would change my mind again and come back even if he changed his in the future.

 

I'm absolutely not sure if I can/should be friends with him right now because I'm afraid of him keeping me on the backburner. I know I would eventually get stressed and I would either express my anger openly or start to behave passive-aggressively if I felt our friendship wasn't leading anywhere. If I stay will I run the risk of being the one who gives him emotional support while he's out dating other women or this is a chance to reestablish trust and kindness back? Should I ask him directly if he was interested in reestablishing the trust and friendship between us without telling him that I want a relationship with him? I also wanted to ask him what exactly makes him fear to have another relationship with me. It seems better to address the problem directly instead of making guesses and mind-reading, at least that's how I feel. What do you think?

 

Thanks for your help.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think that you should both turn around and walk away from each other. The whole 'fake friends' thing is unfair to both parties. Neither of you want to be actual friends - you want a relationship, and he is simply placating you while he has a relationship with someone else. That isn't friends.

 

You've suffered an emotional downgrade, and are asking for a chance to have less. Its like a CEO who has been demoted, and who begs the boss for the priviledge of working in the mailroom. It sounds like you have so much more to offer - why not just find someone else instead of pushing for more from someone who has already made it clear he doesn't want that from you?

 

For every day you waste on investing in 'friends' you are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to find and be with someone who wants to be with you, and wants to experience the mutual happiness of a solid relationship.

[Aimée]

I think I'm just going to keep still now. It's hard to make a decision, I do have doubts about him sometimes and I feel confused. Rationally I would tell anybody in my situation to leave but my heart tells me to stay. I'm not sure if this is pure desperation that makes me hang on or a good instinct. Our conversations go like this:

 

He: I don't want to have a relationship with you.

Me: I don't believe you. [Hell, am I nuts???]

 

 

I had told him a while ago that I didn't want to have a relationship with him either because I didn't want to be in a relationship with him when the possibility that his ex-girlfriend was still in the picture existed. I also was tired of him giving me bullsh*t excuses for not wanting a relationship with me. I know what I say when I turn people down and what he says is just wishy-washy.

 

I know we both have a lot of issues and if I'm honest I don't think it would be a good idea to jump into a relationship right now. But that's my opinion and I have no clue what he thinks. I don't know what I will get when I stay friends with him. I might be his backburner girl or he might start feeling comfortable with me again.

 

He has his flaws but nevertheless I think he's a wonderful person in many ways and we both did things that were not really great, that's why I want to stay. I'm also not really interested in most guys.

 

Disclaimer: If that post doesn't make sense, it's because I'm confused, about me, about him, about life.