sxbmb3388 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 IÂ’m 26f and my bf is 44m. Idk if this helps but IÂ’m INTP and heÂ’s ENFP. IÂ’ve never felt this way about someone else, and he claims the same. The only thing is, is that IÂ’m getting to an age where IÂ’m starting to fantasise about marriage and babies. He completely shuts down and pretends to ignore me when I do. I just worry that I canÂ’t have any kind of conversation with him, and this would be a big deal-breaker for me if he was to say heÂ’s not interested. ThatÂ’s fine if heÂ’s not, but I think our age gap means I sometimes need reassurance that heÂ’s happy to do that at some point. Right at the beginning of our relationship I said I wanted kids someday- he said thatÂ’s fine. How do I reassure myself that my life is going where I want it to go if IÂ’m not really going to get it from him? IÂ’ve been let down a lot by boyfriends and I guess as our relationship progresses I bug the heck out! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 How long have you been together? Maybe it's just too early in your relationship for him to feel comfortable talking about babies, but if that's it then he needs to say that clearly. It's never good for one person to "shut down" and just ignore what the other is saying. You definitely need to see it as a red flag. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who won't communicate with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sxbmb3388 Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m all about open communication, he cannot stand it! Our relationship is literally amazing apart from this- I guess I’m one of those people who needs reassurance every now and again, but he’s not like that- that could always be because I try to reassure him a lot, knowing thats something I need! I just can’t help but feel I want to know we’re on the same page sometimes. I just don’t want to be dropped when I’m ready to move forward I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 We’ve been together for 2 years. I’m all about open communication, he cannot stand it! Our relationship is literally amazing apart from this- I guess I’m one of those people who needs reassurance every now and again, but he’s not like that- that could always be because I try to reassure him a lot, knowing thats something I need! I just can’t help but feel I want to know we’re on the same page sometimes. I just don’t want to be dropped when I’m ready to move forward I suppose. Did you two ever have a conversation early in the development of this "relationship" about each of your dating goals? Did he ever say he was looking to marry? There's a big age gap between you also. That may be a factor. At his age, he should not be shutting down when you try to communicate, that's an immature coping skill. A relationship and especially a marriage cannot be successful if communication is lacking. How do you define "amazing"? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 He doesn't want that at least not anytime soon and possibly just not with you. He's not talking about it because he's not even going to consider having a family and kids with you in the foreseeable future. He was enjoying just having a girlfriend and regular sex and was just hoping you'd take the hint and just drop it so you don't have to break up over it. Sorry. And if he won't communicate in general, why on earth would you want him for longterm? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 There's a reason he's dating a woman so much younger than him: it's because women of his own age wouldn't tolerate his lack of communication. You write as if it's kind of foible that you want communication....Of course you need communication - everyone does! In the strongest terms I would caution you against having babies with this man. Having children will test the communication abilities of even the strongest couple...and if he can't even discuss having babies in the first place, he's going to make a very, very poor co-parent. You'll find yourself at odds with how the child is going to be parented and him not communicating about it. Then when you break up (as you undoubtedly will) he will be the type of ex who doesn't engage and try to work together. You are at the prime of your life! Don't settle for an old guy who's rubbish at the important things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 And, if he has made it to 44 with no children, the chances are likely that he really doesn't want children... I'm sure you are not surprised when I say, you would be wise to find a man closer to your age who will communicate with you and has the same life goals. They are out there, but you will never find them if you dally with a man who could almost be old enough to be your father. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 He completely shuts down and pretends to ignore me when I do. I just worry that I canÂ’t have any kind of conversation with him, and this would be a big deal-breaker for me if he was to say heÂ’s not interested. He is not interested in having babies, he has told you clearly by his actions, simply not with words. If he did want children now or later he would be having a conversation about it. So, you do have your answere here. Right at the beginning of our relationship I said I wanted kids someday- he said thatÂ’s fine. He lied to you. He probably didn't think your relationship would last that long and he had nothing to lose by lying to you. How do I reassure myself that my life is going where I want it to go if IÂ’m not really going to get it from him? You will not be getting it from him, you get going with your life by breaking up and moving on, by finding a partner that DOES want to have children. You are very young you have plenty of time in front of you to find another partner. Your boyfriend may be in his 40s but he has no emotional maturity. We don't calculate the quality of a partner when things are dandy in our relationship, we calculate it when the going gets tough. When you have a disagreement with your BF and he communicates his feelings, he offers alternatives, he apologizes, then you know you have a good man in your hands. If you have a BF that shuts down, ignores your questions, ignores your feelings and leaves you by yourself in your emotional distress that is NOT a good partner to share your life with. Down the road this 'shutting down' will make your life miserable, it already has started. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Desesperado Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 He cannot stand your communication, that's one of base pillars of the relationship, this will not work for you. I'm affraid you have to breakup and find someone with the same communication style, if suddenly he'd agree to have kids because you're leaving him, don't be foolish like some women, he will just be nice for a while and when the baby comes he'll resent the situation more and more every day... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 After 2 years of dating when this 44 year old man shuts down when you bring up particular subjects he is clearly communicating to you that he doesn't want marriage & babies. Hear him & listen to him. If this is a deal breaker for you, take action. Do not continue along in this relationship unhappy because he's not giving you marriage or babies. He's not talking about it verbally because he knows the minute he does you will be out the door By remaining silent you can both live in a state of denial where you fool yourselves into thinking this relationship is fulfilling your needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) There’s too much of an age gap between the two of you and, given his age and still no kids, he most likely doesn’t want them, or he can’t have them. It’s possible that he’s either sterile or had a vasectomy years ago and doesn’t want you to know about it. The fact that he dodges the issue is your first clue. If you were with a man who was excited about having a family, his response would be completely different. Personally, I think he knows that if you find out he doesn’t want or can’t have kids, you’ll end things with him. He’s just killing time until it blows up or so much time has gone by that you give up on the idea of kids. Don’t ever underestimate the stealth that a person older than you can have. They know how youth thinks and they know how to manipulate it. My guess is, you’re being manipulated. Edited August 27, 2018 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Don’t ever underestimate the stealth that a person older than you can have. They know how youth thinks and they know how to manipulate it. My guess is, you’re being manipulated. I don't know that he's being manipulative, as others have pointed out a refusal to even discuss the topic (which doesn't seem to be his tactic on other subjects) sends a pretty clear message. The issue here is based more on the fact that it's not what the OP wants to hear... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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