Dodged A Bullet!!!

[neurotibot]

This post is an update to a post I made back in May, which can be read at the link:

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/657166-do-i-have-trust-issues#post7571537

 

 

UPDATE:

 

 

Ok, so this woman is basically a monster. And if you want the story, pull up a chair and get comfortable. . . .

 

 

I'll call her "Jane." Jane and I began our long-distance relationship by meeting in the chatroom I mentioned in the link above. We hit it off quickly and within a couple of days we had each other's phone numbers, and from there our relationship grew. It wasn't long before we started planning a meet in person. Since she doesn't work or have any money, all of the financing was my burden to bear. We planned a meet-up in August of this year, I paid for her ticket and our hotel, and we were happily counting down the days.

 

 

Meanwhile, she kept talking sexually to men in this chatroom. I didn't like it, and it was a source of tension between us. I eventually discovered that she had been sexting guys on various apps. We had a bit of a fight. She even went as far as to blame me, accusing me of not being "serious enough," even though I had just spent hundreds of dollars on our planned trip. But I decided to take her back, largely because she had promised on her deceased father's ashes that she would never cheat again.

 

We made up and things were going relatively well. I still had my doubts, but I took strength in the fact that she promised on the most precious thing to her, which was enough for me to ultimately trust her. We were so excited to meet that we agreed to meet even sooner than our August trip. I booked her a flight to my area in July for a weekend.

 

Meeting her in person was even better than I could have imagined. I had been worrying that our relationship wouldn't translate in person, but it was absolutely perfect in every way. It was so good that, at the end of the weekend, we decided to extend her stay for a few more days. When she did eventually go home the following weekend, it was heartbreaking, but I took consolation in the fact that we still had our planned trip in August, which was a few short weeks away.

 

But I still had lingering doubts. I still visited the chatroom once in a while to see if she was there. I never did catch her there. This was still a source of tension between us, and anytime I brought it up we fought. I knew I had to learn to fully trust her not to talk to guys online. I kept reminding myself of the promise she'd made on her father's ashes. I hated myself so much whenever I doubted her because I had absolutely no evidence of her doing anything wrong. I didn't want to have trust issues, and it wasn't fair to her to keep picking fights about my unjustified suspicions, so I tried to let it go.

 

And then I screwed up. Badly.

 

The night before her flight to my area for our second meet-up, I got this queasy feeling in my gut. I decided to hang out in the chatroom because I feel like she might be there. She wasn't, though someone else there told me that they had seen there recently. I lost my cool, and at 2:30 in the morning--just hours before her flight--I wrote an awful email accusing her of flirting with guys online.

 

A few hours later, my phone began to ring nonstop. It was her. I ignored it and got ready for work. She then sent me texts asking what's going on. She told me in text that she was absolutely devastated to have woken up to that email. She was so devastated, in fact, that later in the day she decided to miss her flight.

 

Our second meet-up never happened. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I pleaded with her to forgive me, but she was having none of it. Two days later, I drove 700 miles to where she lives, rented a hotel room there for a few days, and decided I would try to fix what I had destroyed with my idiotic email.

 

We sort of made up. I took her to a zoo in a nearby state. We went for a walk through a nice city in her state. But things just didn't hold. I spent my last night in that hotel room crying on and off until sunrise, then checked out in the morning and began the twelve-hour drive home.

 

Now here's where all hell breaks loose.

 

So I'm driving home, feeling like a miserable piece of garbage. I had just lost this really great woman over an incredibly idiotic mistake. I'm about two hours into my drive home when we start texting back and forth. We decide to be "friends," blah blah blah, and then she drops a bombshell:

 

"I cheated on you," she texts. "Twice. On August 6th and 7th."

 

I couldn't wrap my mind around what I had just read. I pulled over and we talked on the phone. Long story short, she told me that her close friend and this friend's boyfriend had taken her to meet some random guy for sex. She had sex with this man while the friend and boyfriend had sex in the bathroom.

 

Now, all these people knew that Jane was my girlfriend, including the guy Jane had sex with. They just didn't care one bit.

 

I'm the chump who was was paying her cellphone bill because she doesn't work and can't afford it. I even made her an authorized user on my credit card account so she could have some spending money (which she routinely took advantage of). I tried so hard to be the best guy I could be for her, despite my flaws. I kept giving her so much money and effort and time, and she stabbed me in the heart.

 

So once she delivers this bombshell, a few realizations hit me. First, I realize that this happened a couple of days before I sent my email, which means that all her "anger" at my email was BS. And the entire time I was in her town, trying to make up for my email, she had been gaslighting me, making me feel like I was the bad guy who had ruined everything. I vivdily remember one moment during my stay when she was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed and yelling at me for "not trusting" her. The messed up part about it? Never in a million years would I have imagined her having actual sex with another guy. The most I had ever accused her of was flirting--not even sexting, just flirting--with other men in a chatroom.

 

So we're on the phone talking after this bombshell. Things get heated. I begin saying nasty things. Eventually, she sets up a group chat on Facebook and invites me to it. And who's in the group chat? Well, there's her, her friend and her friend's boyfriend (the two people who had taken her to meet the guy), the guy himself whom she cheated on me with, and two of that guy's friends. She ruthlessly humiliates me in front of these people with various lies and half-truths. They all take turns attacking me. It's my worst nightmare. I try to defend myself before these people, but it becomes too much and after an hour or so I give up.

 

But then I was stupid enough to make up with her!

 

She goes to church the following Sunday with those same two friends, has her "repentance," whatever. Fine. I'm so naive that I decide to give her another chance.

 

Or, rather, I tried. But it was hard. And then, two days ago, I decided to look at that group message on Facebook. I scrolled back in time through it, only to discover that Jane and the guy had been in communication for days. Basically, the entire time I was in her hometown trying to fix my mistake over a dumb email, she was still talking and scheming with this loser.

 

That's when I decided to cut it off with her.

 

And now here I am, the ultimate cuckold. Lesson learned.

 

There are more details to this story, but I don't want this to get bogged down. This is the basic plot of what happened. This woman was my first real romance. I'm asocial and don't have friends or anyone really to confide in, so just getting my story out there--even for strangers--is cathartic for me.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[Vivir]

You're right, neurotibot, you did dodge a bullet.

 

You may have held on for too long, but you did right by YOU and finally let her go. She seems far too easily influenced by her peers. Try not to analyze her behavior; she showed you all that you needed to know about her.

 

You spent a lot of money and time on this person. Those are sunk costs and this is a loss, yes, but you traded those things for valuable information. You know that you have the capacity to put yourself out there and be available to a romantic partner. In the future, you are likely to be able to more easily and more quickly recognize red flags. This can save you in the future.

 

With that said, I am sorry this relationship did not work out as you had hoped.

[neurotibot]

You're right, neurotibot, you did dodge a bullet.

 

You may have held on for too long, but you did right by YOU and finally let her go. She seems far too easily influenced by her peers. Try not to analyze her behavior; she showed you all that you needed to know about her.

 

You spent a lot of money and time on this person. Those are sunk costs and this is a loss, yes, but you traded those things for valuable information. You know that you have the capacity to put yourself out there and be available to a romantic partner. In the future, you are likely to be able to more easily and more quickly recognize red flags. This can save you in the future.

 

With that said, I am sorry this relationship did not work out as you had hoped.

 

Thanks for the reply. I've told her on a couple of occasions that people manipulate and use her. Funny that even a total stranger notices.

[Sparta]

Should never talk to again after she humiliated You.!

[Carpe Diem]

Did I understand this correctly? You met up with a woman you met over the internet, in person twice (with a lot of drama). During this time you gave her money for different things and added her to your credit card; even after you found her in a sex chat room originally and subsequently saw her in it after you were “dating”?

 

95% of people would look at these facts and realize the lack of judgement, maturity and self worth you exhibited. There are no subtle red flags here rather huge glaring ones that even the most casual of observers can see. You did dodge a bombshell, but need counselling on why you are so desperate and lack self worth to believe this load of crap. And why you become emotionally invested and actually added this woman to your credit. (Sorry to reiterate.........who’ve you actually only met twice.)

 

Unless you work on this, you will be prime pickings for multiple lonely heart scams.

[neurotibot]

Did I understand this correctly? You met up with a woman you met over the internet, in person twice (with a lot of drama). During this time you gave her money for different things and added her to your credit card; even after you found her in a sex chat room originally and subsequently saw her in it after you were “dating”?

 

95% of people would look at these facts and realize the lack of judgement, maturity and self worth you exhibited. There are no subtle red flags here rather huge glaring ones that even the most casual of observers can see. You did dodge a bombshell, but need counselling on why you are so desperate and lack self worth to believe this load of crap. And why you become emotionally invested and actually added this woman to your credit. (Sorry to reiterate.........who’ve you actually only met twice.)

 

Unless you work on this, you will be prime pickings for multiple lonely heart scams.

 

Maybe you're right. It was one of those really dumb mistakes a person makes in life. I have few people in my life, so when I do meet someone I tend to get emotionally connected rather easily. I look at the whole situation now and I'm embarrassed.