Men, what's the best way for a woman to let you know she's interested?

[alphamale]

the best way for a woman to let me know she is interested is to ask a lot of questions about me, touch, flirt and make extended eye contact and smile a lot...

[BluBell]

"We guys" haven't done anything to you. I don't know you and neither does that guy who asked your name. Perhaps a few men here and there have caused you pain, but we men are not a monolith, and we are not all responsible for the actions of other men.

 

I've been attacked and assaulted by strangers more than just a few times. I'm not asking anyone other than the individuals who've caused me that pain to be responsible. Every single man I've loved has broken my heart. Most of them lied to me about one thing or another.

 

But in thinking of myself ten years ago and what has truly changed, it's the mountain of pretty bad experiences that are not at all easy to get over. If I trusted men the same way now that I did back then, I'd be an idiot.

[BluBell]

I honestly thought he was going to pull a gun out. Why did he leave his car running? Who approaches a woman leaving an ATM? That's the most common place for people to get mugged. Consider yourself lucky that you don't know what that fear is like, but it's not irrational at all.

[SevenCity]

I've been attacked and assaulted by strangers more than just a few times. I'm not asking anyone other than the individuals who've caused me that pain to be responsible. Every single man I've loved has broken my heart. Most of them lied to me about one thing or another.

 

But in thinking of myself ten years ago and what has truly changed, it's the mountain of pretty bad experiences that are not at all easy to get over. If I trusted men the same way now that I did back then, I'd be an idiot.

 

A few things that stick out...

 

1) I’m sure this attitude comes out when interacting with men. Not a good look for a woman.

2) By grouping men in one bucket, you are blaming a stranger for sins of your exs’.

3) Women lose sexual value as they get older. 10 years ago is not a fair comparison. Men typically want younger women and they will get the most offers. Ask most women if they had more interest at 20 vs 30, 30 vs 40, 40 vs 50...

4) If you are always getting rejected, you likely are going for guys with better options.

5) It’s highly possible the men you are hitting on in person are already involved.

[nospam99]

OP has me thinking ....

 

Context: at 64, i think I'm one of the 'older gentlemen' here on LS. And I still feel like I'm 'new back in the game' because I've been dating less that a year after a divorce ended a 30+ year relationship that had gone 'bad' more than 10 years before the papers were signed. From what I see when I'm 'out and about', hiking, skiing, dancing, I'm as fit and more physically active than men 10 years younger than I am. I don't 'get out much' so if a woman is going to 'let me know she's interested' ... three ways ... OLD, ballroom dancing, or speed-dating.

 

ALSO, I have an attractiveness 'filter' - to be coarse, if I'm not physically attracted to the woman (i.e. turned on by the thought of having sex with her even though that is NOT my primary goal, merely the 'icing on the LTR-in-progress cake') it doesn't matter what she does to let me know she's interested - it ain't happening. Sadly almost all the unsolicited contacts I've received via OLD message have been from women who don't pass my attractiveness filter, sometimes multi-attempt repeaters.

 

All that said, to answer the OP (no rocket science here), ...

- respond quickly and positively to my OLD message. If you give me a positive response, I'll give you my phone number. Use it! Agree to meet in person

- send me an unsolicited message, Meet Me, Like, whatever the function is on OLD

- put me on your 'want to meet him' list at speed-dating

- ask me to dance (extra points for following my lead without back-leading)

- when we meet, smile. Reach out to touch me or to make it easy for me to touch you. Eye contact. Smile. Engage in the conversation. At the very least let me hold your hand. End with a hug and/or a kiss (I won't do tongues at first meeting unless you are obviously parting your lips.)

- agree to a date or offer a rain check. Or ask ME for a date

- the quicker you respond to a message (preferred by me to text) the more interest I detect

- give me your phone number

- no requirement but lots of extra points for moderately long phone calls in the evening to talk about our day, what we want to do next, and to say 'good night'

Edited August 28, 2018 by nospam99

[BluBell]

A few things that stick out...

 

1) I’m sure this attitude comes out when interacting with men. Not a good look for a woman.

2) By grouping men in one bucket, you are blaming a stranger for sins of your exs’.

3) Women lose sexual value as they get older. 10 years ago is not a fair comparison. Men typically want younger women and they will get the most offers. Ask most women if they had more interest at 20 vs 30, 30 vs 40, 40 vs 50...

4) If you are always getting rejected, you likely are going for guys with better options.

5) It’s highly possible the men you are hitting on in person are already involved.

 

Everyone loses sexual "value" as they get older. I would much rather sleep with a 25 year old than a 45 year old. I got more offers when I was younger because my social life was more important than my career and literally everyone around me was single, and I was inundated with opportunities. Today I rarely meet anyone single or anyone new for that matter.

 

Anyways, you guys have thoroughly convinced me it makes no sense to make the first move on a guy- so no need to ask women to do that anymore.

[BluBell]

So, because of the actions of other men, you no longer trust new men, because they also happen to be men? That is forcing new men to pay for the sins of others. You told some poor guy to get away from you just because he asked your name.

 

Do you want to know how to do better with men? Stop taking out your frustrations on new men you meet. No guy wants to date a woman that makes us pay for something their douchebag ex did to them. Dating is hard enough when you start off with a clean slate, it's all but impossible when we have to constantly make up for the wrongs committed by someone else.

 

How does me being afraid or hesitant of strange men = taking my frustrations out on them?

 

If you burnt your hand every time you touched a stove, you'd stop touching the stove. It doesn't mean you don't want to touch it, but it's been dangerous every time. This is just survival logic.

 

It's interesting I have to even defend myself for speaking honestly about feelings I have based on real experiences of being a literal victim of sexual assault, and you are writing this off as me being a bitter woman.

 

Every relationship I've had hasn't started off on a clean slate- you're kidding yourself if you think that anyone can actually truly treat each new relationship like it's the first one they ever had. Past the age of, i dunno...25 that's just unrealistic for both men and women. We all carry our past with us.

[Shining One]

Anyways, you guys have thoroughly convinced me it makes no sense to make the first move on a guy- so no need to ask women to do that anymore.

Can you explain the though process that led you to this conclusion? Within my circle of people, women approaching men has a higher percentage success rate than men approaching women.

[BluBell]

Sure, we all carry our baggage with us. The difference is, if a random girl approached me and asked my name, I wouldn't tell her to get away from me. I find it difficult to believe that your reaction to that guy was an isolated incident and that you treat other guys great.

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past, I am. I've met ladies like that before, Ex BF broke their heart so now they have these walls up that the new guy has to break down to prove to her that he isn't a D-bag like all those other guys from her past. It's rather unpleasant to be the next guy that comes along and is expected to pay the price for what other guys did. A lot of men will bow out of this type of situation in favor of a woman that makes life easier for us. I'm sorry.

 

Well if you've been diagnosed with PTSD from being violently attacked by men, you'd know that in certain situations your spidey senses take over and you become acutely aware of everything in your surroundings. Yesterday I was extremely freaked out that he left his car running. "His car is running, his car is running, he's watching me deposit money in the bank, why is he watching me" runs over and over in your mind and you start to feel anxiety.

 

If he had turned his car off, maybe not walked up to me and invaded my space aggressively, smiled and said something kind to me, it would have diffused the situation a little bit. When you act creepy, invade my space, I will become afraid. I cannot help that.

 

I shared the same story with a friend who knows me well and she agreed it was scary. This is not a guy approaching me in the produce aisle at the grocery store making small talk about which tomatoes I like to buy. I don't hate men, I actually love a lot of them.

 

If this is "baggage" that a guy isn't willing to put up with, oh well. People who have experienced trauma often live with it forever. It's actually rude for you to be knocking my experience this way, but I'd never date someone so insensitive. Please don't try to raise a daughter someday.

[BluBell]

Can you explain the though process that led you to this conclusion? Within my circle of people, women approaching men has a higher percentage success rate than men approaching women.

 

Sure it's simple. You guys have more or less said that this question is a no-brainer. It doesn't matter how I let him know I'm interested, I just need to let him know. For women, we can get turned off quickly if you approach us the wrong way. Every guy's response has said that it doesn't matter how a woman lets him know, he just wants to know that she's interested, period. If anything, what I should stop doing is overthinking this.

[Timshel]

I honestly thought he was going to pull a gun out. Why did he leave his car running? Who approaches a woman leaving an ATM? That's the most common place for people to get mugged. Consider yourself lucky that you don't know what that fear is like, but it's not irrational at all.

 

 

There isn't any way that flirting in this scenario was a safe thing to do. Good for you that you used sense and got the heck out of there. Bloop, did I put a period, yes I did.

 

 

However, your OP is confusing because on the one hand you are talking about being open to meeting men and on the other, using ^^ above as an example of not being receptive to men.

 

 

 

Being involved in activities and people that you are invested in is always the best way to go. I have never approached a man, ever. What I was and am doing is living my life in the most authentic way I can. Do that.

 

 

Think less about what is missing and do more about gratitude and being.

 

 

Oh, and laugh, there's quite a lot funny....

[BluBell]

Yeah, when you have PTSD because of the actions of specific men which causes you to freak out and get rude with some innocent guy, then yeah, that's something that other new guys might wanna consider before dating you.

 

Look, I'm sorry about what happened to you, but just because I also happen to be a man, it's not my fault. Nor was the guy at the ATM at fault. That guy paid the price though because you were immensely rude to him because he...left his car running. Maybe it was hot outside and he wanted to stay cool while he waited for you. Maybe he was listening to the radio. Maybe he was just sitting there trying to gather enough courage to talk to a pretty girl just to get shot down and treated like he's a criminal.

 

You don't even know what happened to me, so how can you be sorry?

No one is asking you to even be sorry for me. I truly doubt "the price" that guy paid for asking me my name yesterday is anywhere near "the price" I've paid for being a victim of violent crime. I'm sure he's moved on, it probably happens to him often. You cannot equate the two experiences and say that what I did to that guy yesterday is anywhere near as bad as what someone else or several someones have done to me in the past.

 

But your response is really enlightening about how far women need to go to make men understand our perspectives. We have a really, really long way to go.

He's a victim because I told him to leave me alone? Wow.

 

You don't even know what this random guy's intentions were. What if he actually planned to get me into his car and hurt me? Or worse? You have no idea what you're talking about and I would appreciate it if you'd stop commenting on my thread.

[BluBell]

Oh, no worries, I will stay away from you. With your attitudes towards men, I am sure other men will do the same thing.

 

I'm more than happy to keep men who like to argue for the sake of arguing as far away from me as possible. Life is way too short to deal with that.

[William]

This kind of discourse is off-topic and never welcomed on LoveShack.org, where all points of view on a topic are welcomed, as long as they address the topic and respect our guidelines.

 

Here, with a quick review and looking at the title, I see some members, men and women, have departed from the topic of the best way for a woman to let a man know she's interested.

 

So, let's get back to the topic. If there's nothing further to add, thousands of other threads on LoveShack.org to read and respond to. Thanks!

[BluBell]

Well, I have a theory.

 

So there's a guy I know from real life, not online. I've been interested in him for awhile, and he's always seemed like he was interested in me (goes out of his way to talk to me, flirtatious, always checking out what I post on instagram etc). I've made a few suggestions that should give him the green light to ask me out, but he never has.

 

FINALLY, and I mean finally, months later, I stopped giving him attention whatsoever and he works up the nerve to ask me out!

 

I think with a lot of men, it's best if we plant the seed but they are turned off by women who are too forward or direct. That's been my experience anyway. I don't think you guys like to admit that though. But it's like if we make the first move we're taking something away from you/hurting your ego and you like to think that everything was your idea in the first place. You want these things to progress on your timelines, not ours.

[d0nnivain]

BlueBell -- I thought the same thing you did about the guy at the ATM. I was afraid he was a mugger. FWIW, I have never been attacked so I don't have PTSD around men but in that setting I would have been scared & not open to a request for a date. I don't think I would have handled even as well as you did. I probably would have had my phone in my hands with 9 1 1 typed in & my finger hovering over send. You can text 9 1 1 now if you didn't know that.

 

Don't let that one bad experience at the ATM dissuade you from being the one to say hello & break the ice if you see an attractive man. You are in charge of your life & you are not obligated to sit on your hands.

[Shining One]

I think with a lot of men, it's best if we plant the seed but they are turned off by women who are too forward or direct. That's been my experience anyway.

Again, your sample sizes are far too small to draw any conclusions. I don't know of any guy who found a woman attractive and then found her unattractive because she made the first move.

I don't think you guys like to admit that though. But it's like if we make the first move we're taking something away from you/hurting your ego and you like to think that everything was your idea in the first place. You want these things to progress on your timelines, not ours.

I've never felt like anything was taken away from me when a woman made the first move. Frankly, I'd be ashamed of myself if my manhood were so easily wounded.

[JuneL]

Did you ask him why it took him so long to ask you out?

 

I think some guys may be a little turned off if the woman asks them out on a first date (the type of men I’m attracted to tend to belong to this camp). But I’ve never heard of a guy who is averse to signals.

 

Well, I have a theory.

 

So there's a guy I know from real life, not online. I've been interested in him for awhile, and he's always seemed like he was interested in me (goes out of his way to talk to me, flirtatious, always checking out what I post on instagram etc). I've made a few suggestions that should give him the green light to ask me out, but he never has.

 

FINALLY, and I mean finally, months later, I stopped giving him attention whatsoever and he works up the nerve to ask me out!

 

I think with a lot of men, it's best if we plant the seed but they are turned off by women who are too forward or direct. That's been my experience anyway. I don't think you guys like to admit that though. But it's like if we make the first move we're taking something away from you/hurting your ego and you like to think that everything was your idea in the first place. You want these things to progress on your timelines, not ours.

[Shining One]

I think some guys may be a little turned off if the woman asks them out on a first date (the type of men I’m attracted to tend to belong to this camp).

I'm curious as to how you're determining this. Let's say there's a guy who you know is interested in you. If you ask him out, does he get turned off and reject you?

[BluBell]

BlueBell -- I thought the same thing you did about the guy at the ATM. I was afraid he was a mugger. FWIW, I have never been attacked so I don't have PTSD around men but in that setting I would have been scared & not open to a request for a date. I don't think I would have handled even as well as you did. I probably would have had my phone in my hands with 9 1 1 typed in & my finger hovering over send. You can text 9 1 1 now if you didn't know that.

 

Don't let that one bad experience at the ATM dissuade you from being the one to say hello & break the ice if you see an attractive man. You are in charge of your life & you are not obligated to sit on your hands.

 

Thanks. My fear today is the result of more than just that one bad experience at the ATM. As a woman who's been single for the majority of my adult life, I've been attacked and assaulted violently several times. All but one time I was able to get away. What does being single have to do with this? I'm out in public alone way more frequently than women who aren't single. It's that simple.

 

I don't feel like a "victim" even though I have been an actual victim. But it does mean that I'm constantly on guard, always evaluating my surroundings, and at the least skeptical of a strange man. This reality is nothing new for women, it's strange though that in 2018 this is a hard reality for men to accept about ours.

[BluBell]

Did you ask him why it took him so long to ask you out?

 

I think some guys may be a little turned off if the woman asks them out on a first date (the type of men I’m attracted to tend to belong to this camp). But I’ve never heard of a guy who is averse to signals.

 

haha...I'll try to work this question into the conversation somehow

[BluBell]

Again, your sample sizes are far too small to draw any conclusions. I don't know of any guy who found a woman attractive and then found her unattractive because she made the first move.I've never felt like anything was taken away from me when a woman made the first move. Frankly, I'd be ashamed of myself if my manhood were so easily wounded.

 

How do you know how small my sample sizes are?

Do you think one of your guy friends would confide in you that he was interested in a woman, and then decided he wasn't because she made the first move?

 

One time I was out at a bar with friends. This guy was across the room, literally staring at me for an hour. I waited and waited, looked back and gave him a smile, and he did nothing. Then I walked over and said hello. His reaction- "ugh, why did you DO that! I was going to come over!" and then he walked away from me. I don't think that guy suddenly thought I was unattractive, but he lost all interest just the same.

 

Out of my circle, all of my "shy" and insecure female friends are married. The only ones left who are single have one thing in common- we're independent and confident. It's not easy to find men who aren't intimidated by that.

[Shining One]

How do you know how small my sample sizes are?

From this.

In real life, I've hit on a handful of men in the past year or so. Probably about the same amount online.

 

 

Do you think one of your guy friends would confide in you that he was interested in a woman, and then decided he wasn't because she made the first move?

Yes. I've been told of various other reasons they have rejected women for, sometimes even with pictures. I don't see why they wouldn't share this reason when it's pretty tame compared to others.

One time I was out at a bar with friends. This guy was across the room, literally staring at me for an hour. I waited and waited, looked back and gave him a smile, and he did nothing. Then I walked over and said hello. His reaction- "ugh, why did you DO that! I was going to come over!" and then he walked away from me. I don't think that guy suddenly thought I was unattractive, but he lost all interest just the same.

One time, I was in a lounge. I had just made eye contact and exchanged smiles with a woman across the room. I was making my way over to talk to her when another woman grabbed me by the arm, held up a drink and said: "You have to try this." Within a few minutes, I wasn't even thinking about the first woman any more. We dated for a while before she got a job offer literally on the other side of the country.

[JuneL]

I'm curious as to how you're determining this. Let's say there's a guy who you know is interested in you. If you ask him out, does he get turned off and reject you?

 

My male cousin told me this when I was younger and inexperienced, and he’s that sort of guys.

 

He probably wouldn’t reject me, but both of us wouldn’t prefer this sort of dynamics to start our dating. But I have absolutely no opinions if others prefer other sorts of dynamics.

Edited September 3, 2018 by JuneL

[BluBell]

From this.

 

 

Yes. I've been told of various other reasons they have rejected women for, sometimes even with pictures. I don't see why they wouldn't share this reason when it's pretty tame compared to others.One time, I was in a lounge. I had just made eye contact and exchanged smiles with a woman across the room. I was making my way over to talk to her when another woman grabbed me by the arm, held up a drink and said: "You have to try this." Within a few minutes, I wasn't even thinking about the first woman any more. We dated for a while before she got a job offer literally on the other side of the country.

 

That proves that you are easily interested in lots of women, and/or weren't really that committed to talking to the first one.

Maybe had you followed through and talked to the first one, you'd still be with her today. The more confident woman who got a job offer across country, really wasn't that committed to the idea of dating anyone. Which means you're game to date whoever wants to date you. That's cool- that's also not typically the type of guy I'm interested in.