TNBlacksmith Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Greetings to everyone. I'm 54, DW is 40. Married for 19 months, dated for 4 years prior. Her ex has/had a porn addiction, I have no such issues. She also has a previous diagnosis for Anxiety Disorder as well as OCD, and is not taking meds due to a drop in sexual response. The issue at hand is Netflix. Based on her past, she has an issue with pornography. Watching a Netflix movie the other day, a scene where the actress gets out if bed and is wearing a type of thong with a wide strip in the back (about 2" of material covering the butt crack. I didn't avert my eyes, as I had promised I would when nude wonen appeared on the screen. A huge....huge, fight ensued. I stated that I didn't think a thong was nudity. I was accused of "gas-lighting", being dishonest, breaking a promise, etc. May I please have your thoughts on this matter. I have apologized, yet we are still having major issues and are on the brink of divorce over this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I can certainly see how she would be sensitive to the subject, but she really over reacted. It's just not possible to expect your spouse to go through their life, never witnessing a bare bottom or breast on a television screen. Has she never watched HBO? Telling you to avert your eyes... what a childish and immature request for her to demand. You did nothing wrong. You should not need to apologize and you most definitely should not be accused of gaslighting, being dishonest, or breaking a promise. If your wife has not been for counselling, she would be wise to make an appointment. She obviously has some unresolved issues to address... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNBlacksmith Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 We actually attended a counseling session, after which she declared the therapist didn't know what he was doing and should not be performing marriage counseling. She has watched a lot of YouTube videos and decided I was a narcissist. Guilty of gas-lighting if I gave a different opinion on any given matter. I'm accused of doing all of this to show I'm actually in control. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Your wife's way of handling this is immature, unreasonable and unfair. She is holding you emotional hostage for her ex's bad behaviour and diagnosing you with a personality disorder, which is completely out of line. I would insist on returning to counselling with her. I believe she would also benefit from individual counseling for her extreme insecurity and past pain. What she's doing now is not working and is not conducive to a healthy partnernship. If she won't meet you halfway and acknowledge her own role in this, I would strongly advise you to reconsider the marriage. Yes, really. You can't go through life like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 We actually attended a counseling session, after which she declared the therapist didn't know what he was doing and should not be performing marriage counseling. She has watched a lot of YouTube videos and decided I was a narcissist. Guilty of gas-lighting if I gave a different opinion on any given matter. I'm accused of doing all of this to show I'm actually in control. And you are tolerating this kind of entitled, controlling, and spiteful behavior... Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) Greetings to everyone. I'm 54, DW is 40. Married for 19 months, dated for 4 years prior. Her ex has/had a porn addiction, I have no such issues. She also has a previous diagnosis for Anxiety Disorder as well as OCD, and is not taking meds due to a drop in sexual response. The issue at hand is Netflix. Based on her past, she has an issue with pornography. Watching a Netflix movie the other day, a scene where the actress gets out if bed and is wearing a type of thong with a wide strip in the back (about 2" of material covering the butt crack. I didn't avert my eyes, as I had promised I would when nude wonen appeared on the screen. A huge....huge, fight ensued. I stated that I didn't think a thong was nudity. I was accused of "gas-lighting", being dishonest, breaking a promise, etc. May I please have your thoughts on this matter. I have apologized, yet we are still having major issues and are on the brink of divorce over this issue. Does she look away when watching a movie and a scene happens to come up where a guy is mostly naked? I think there is more to this than just an aversion to pornography. Her response seems more like she's being triggered which would result from something more traumatic than a past partner's addiction to pornography. That's an extreme response. Does she otherwise have a history of sexual abuse/abuse of any kind? Very often men who are addicted to pornography are really pushy and demanding/impose sex frequently. She might do better with individual counseling in conjunction with couples counseling. She also has a previous diagnosis for Anxiety Disorder as well as OCD,-- That diagnosis also suggests something deeper is going on here which likely was caused/existed even before her previous marriage. Something else is afoot. She's struggling to control her environment. Edited August 27, 2018 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 She's overly sensitive. Knowing she has Anxiety & other issues from her EX's porn addiction you were wrong to have promised to always avert your eyes during nude scenes in movies. Unless all you watch is Disney it was a promise you could never keep. She is more ridiculous for picking a huge fight over such a small thing. Perhaps it's time to revisit her going back on meds. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Your wife sounds a little nuts. Yeah, we’d love it if our bf or husbands weren’t bombarded with other women, sexuality, etc but it’s a fact of life. Women get a fair dose of it themselves. You promising to avert your attention when watching movies is completely ridiculous. You’ll probably divorce over your wife’s immaturity but she’ll never be able to sustain a relationship under those terms — unless, of course, everybody in the house stops watching TV. She may want to look into joining the Amish religion. For your part, I’d suggest that you stop allowing women to control you in such a way, and stop making promises just to appease irrational thinking or demands. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) You apologized? For what?!!! Why in the world would you agree to participate in her insanity? Plenty of people have exes with various addictions. They don't then meet the new partner and say, "you can never have a drink." They watch to see if the new partner has a drinking problem. Your wife, I hate to say, is completely immature on this ...Clearly she needs to experiment with new medications that don't have the sexual side effects. But let me guess: I bet she's not doing that. She'd rather blame you and blame other people. But you got problems as well, that you would even THINK about ... agreeing to turn away when a woman is wearing a skimpy outfit on tv ... Indeed your issues are as severe as hers ... So dude, get yourself to some therapy. You are basically in an abusive relationship when this happens ... So something is off with you that you would put up and even endorse (by apologizing) with this kind of abusive treatment. You have endorsed your own abuse. Couples counseling is rarely helpful for people like you and your wife ... This is a problem of your wife being emotionally unhealthy and a problem of you being equally emotionally unhealthy. I have apologized. For what?!!!!!! The only apology you owe is to yourself. You have completely abandoned yourself. . Edited August 27, 2018 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
viatori patuit Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 My wife is kooky too. Same kind of irrational response and over the top statements. The advice I got here was to decide what you want and go with it. If you want to stay with her then buckle up as it will be bumpy. Sadly, divorcing is also bumpy. As for the porn thing, I just don’t get it. If she doesn’t want you to watch porn does she do things for you instead like wear racy clothing or whatever trips your trigger? I am baffled by anyone who thinks it’s ok to put their issues on another with the idea that the other has to accept it. We all have a choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Greetings to everyone. I'm 54, DW is 40. Married for 19 months, dated for 4 years prior. Her ex has/had a porn addiction, I have no such issues. She also has a previous diagnosis for Anxiety Disorder as well as OCD, and is not taking meds due to a drop in sexual response. The issue at hand is Netflix. Based on her past, she has an issue with pornography. Watching a Netflix movie the other day, a scene where the actress gets out if bed and is wearing a type of thong with a wide strip in the back (about 2" of material covering the butt crack. I didn't avert my eyes, as I had promised I would when nude wonen appeared on the screen. As has been stated, her demands and responses to the scene are nonsensical. But I'm curious TNBlacksmith, you married her knowing her past and apparently agreed to these crazy conditions. How did you think this was going to play out? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNBlacksmith Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 Oddly, the issue of nudity on the (Netflix) never arose before we were married. We lived together for several years prior to getting married. As for agreeing, I saw that it hurt her feelings and knew that it made her uncomfortable. And she felt dis-respected. Out of respect for her and our relationship, I agreed to avert my eyes when nudity appeared on the screen. In the end, showing some respect for her feelings was an easy sacrifice to make. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Out of respect for her and our relationship, I agreed to avert my eyes when nudity appeared on the screen. In the end, showing some respect for her feelings was an easy sacrifice to make. Agreed. It is generally a good thing to show respect for your partner's feelings when in a marriage. The issue here is, her request, and more importantly, her reaction, are irrational. There is big difference between watching a few seconds of nudity on Netflix and a porn addiction. If she is not able to make that distinction, she has a big problem. If you apologize and promise to be a good boy and avert your eyes the next time someone flashes a naked breast on television, you are enabling her behavior. Again, I say respectfully that she should spend some time with a counsellor to address these unresolved issues with trust. If she persists with this irrational and disrespectful behavior toward you, you are likely to discover it does nothing to support a happy or healthy marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 (edited) Oddly, the issue of nudity on the (Netflix) never arose before we were married. We lived together for several years prior to getting married. As for agreeing, I saw that it hurt her feelings and knew that it made her uncomfortable. And she felt dis-respected. Out of respect for her and our relationship, I agreed to avert my eyes when nudity appeared on the screen. In the end, showing some respect for her feelings was an easy sacrifice to make. With all due respect, you misunderstand respect. You don't respect someone by indulging and acceding to abusive and irrational behavior. And now you say that this turning away from the tv was an easy sacrifice to make? ... Well if that's what you think, why are you posting here? You did the right thing. Everything's great. But you don't believe that ... I don't believe that. Here's the deal. If say, one is dealing with a person acting in an irrational and disturbed way, then yes, I might go along with them to calm this person. You comply with their demand because they can't reason and discuss. But that is not an act of respect. If anything it's an act of fear. Most likely you did what you did out of fear of angering her. You wanted her to turn off that red hot anger aimed at you ... so you complied with her nutty request. That is not respect. When we respect someone, we confidently resist crazy requests. And we don't back down out of fear. Edited August 28, 2018 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Respect goes both ways in a marriage. If SHE respected YOU, she would know that you are not her ex and she would understand that it is unfair to you, to make you feel like she does not love and trust you because of something another person has done in the past that was hurtful. Furthermore, if she respected you she would not place nonsensical demands on you and then become irrationally upset and angry when you can't comply - particularly because the demand is unreasonable and unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 As for agreeing, I saw that it hurt her feelings and knew that it made her uncomfortable. And she felt dis-respected. Out of respect for her and our relationship, I agreed to avert my eyes when nudity appeared on the screen. In the end, showing some respect for her feelings was an easy sacrifice to make. You were being set up to fail, my friend. You can'y watch TV, drive past a billboard or visit a museum without seeing the human form. And her loose interpretation of nudity means you'll never look away quickly enough. Watch out for the Coppertone sign. A porn addiction doesn't account for this level of hyper-sensitivity, something else at work here... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 This is not what respect is about, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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