Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Me (divorced 46) and GF ( divorced 44) live in different cities and do not get the opportunity to see each other very often. We dated in college then went our separate ways and reconnected after being in bad marriages (both married to alcoholics). We say we missed out on so much with each other. Her idea was to do as much together as possible especially vacations/traveling. Cruise Her cousin is 28 and in bad marriage. She is closer to my gf than her husband. They act like fools when they are together and cousin's husbands hates it when they get together. Cousin and gf went on a cruise right after I reconnected with gf. They had a great time acting silly together. It was during a spring break and lots of drunk college kids. My gf mentioned she was propositioned and was hit on a lot by the guy who plays at the piano bar. Anyway, the cousin is really pushing my gf to go on another cruise just them. My gf has asked my thoughts a few times. I said we all can go on cruise together and we shouldn't exclude the other person from trips. It bothers me a bit she said no more traveling alone but then has put feelers out about going on cruise with cousin. Bachelorette Party In October her other cousin (guy) is getting married in different city. The wedding is on a sunday evening and I need to leave early sunday for work conference so I will miss the wedding but will be there the rest of the weekend. We will get there Friday evening and will likely be in hotel. She just told me there is bachelorette party Friday evening/night. She didn't know much of the details. She's an adult and it's her decision but I don't think it's right she takes me to wedding for the weekend and then ditches me the first night to be alone in my hotel room twiddling my thumbs. Am I being unreasonable in my positions? Do I voice my concerns or does that make me look bad or too insecure? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Upon seeing this thread . . . just the title . . . I said to myself "oh no, not him again." You have been "bad & insecure" since you started with this woman. The Italy thing, the new year's eve thing, introducing your kids, etc. Yes, it sucks that you will be alone in the hotel during the bachelor party. If you can't go to the wedding, don't go at all. Let her go to wedding alone. Hang with your buddies & have great reunion sex when you both get back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 The schedule is the schedule. The bachelorette party is happening when it happens. That's not in her control and she should go if she wants to. You aren't going to the wedding anyway. So, you have two choices: Don't go on the trip at all or find out about the city you're going to and choose a point of interest to visit that night, find a interesting place to have dinner and then go back and enjoy some alone time that I am sure you look forward to from time to time and enjoy that. This isn't really too different than if the wedding and bachelorette party were in your home city -- you would be alone on the night of the bachelorette party anyway. Yeah, you might be able to go out with your buddies. I bet there are some other guys who are staying there for the wedding too. Why not arrange something with those guys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Have you figured out the body wash bottle cap puzzle yet? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 You aren't going to the wedding anyway. So, you have two choices: Don't go on the trip at all or find out about the city you're going to and choose a point of interest to visit that night, find a interesting place to have dinner and then go back and enjoy some alone time that I am sure you look forward to from time to time and enjoy that. I bet there are some other guys who are staying there for the wedding too. Why not arrange something with those guys? This is a very large city but we will be staying out by airport and I won't have a car. I get alone time 5-6 nights a week on average since we live in different cities. I want time with my gf, not more alone time. The only other people I know at the wedding are gf's parents and gf brother. Knowing gf's brother and his wife, they are staying in for the night with their 3 young kids. If roles were reversed, I either wouldn't attend or maybe just do the dinner part of the bachelor party and then spend rest of evening with my gf whose accompanying me to a family wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 If you have to take off for work, why even bother going there Friday night? Just meet up after the wedding? Or just call it a wash, and plan a weekend together another time. Please learn to be more flexible and rational. You seem to act like you are being ripped off and neglected when she just going about normal things that people do in their lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 If you have to take off for work, why even bother going there Friday night? Just meet up after the wedding? Or just call it a wash, and plan a weekend together another time. Please learn to be more flexible and rational. You seem to act like you are being ripped off and neglected when she just going about normal things that people do in their lives. She asked me to attend this out of town wedding with her and I accepted as love being with her. But to ditch me right we get there is not right in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 She asked me to attend this out of town wedding with her and I accepted as love being with her. But to ditch me right we get there is not right in my opinion. So tell her that on reflection, you don't want to be hanging around on your own and have decided to not go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I too saw the title of this thread and thought "I know who this is..." Look, I wouldn't be happy going with someone to a wedding and then being left alone in a hotel room. If that's the case, don't go or go a day before the wedding... As to the other - I've said it before and I will say it again... You either trust her, or you don't. And, you clearly don't... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I too saw the title of this thread and thought "I know who this is..." Bwhahaha, I was going to post the exact thing, especially once I saw it was in this sub-forum. OP, how long are you going to continue on in this relationship that clearly makes you feel so insecure? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Look, I don't disagree with you OP, you are far enough along in life to want a life partner who is devoted to you and ready to commit to your relationship. Listening to your posts, it sounds more like you are describing a twenty-something woman who is having a good time with her life and you are a young man trying to learn what it is you can expect from your partner in a healthy relationship... than both individuals in their 40's. If you want a partner who you can trust, someone who has sown her wild oats and is ready to settle down into domestic life with you... It's probably best not to choose a hot yoga teacher who likes the attention of other men, and frequently surrounds herself with friends that want to party like they are on spring break. Your happiness is all in the choosing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 Look, I wouldn't be happy going with someone to a wedding and then being left alone in a hotel room. If that's the case, don't go or go a day before the wedding... As to the other - I've said it before and I will say it again... You either trust her, or you don't. And, you clearly don't... Going on Saturday (bachelorette party is on Friday) is not an option. A complicating factor is she is picking me up on the way to wedding city which is 3+ hours away. On sunday I am flying out to my conference in Las Vegas and my return flight is back to my home city so I can't drive separately. The cousin is very bossy of my gf and will "force" my gf to go to bachelorette party even though she hardly knows the bride and is not close the cousin/groom who is getting married. As far as the cruise, I do trust her but a-I don't like the thought of guys constantly hitting on her and B - I don't think a person in a serious relationship should exclude the other person from going on a trip. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 She's not excluding you from the wedding. The logistics of this event coupled with your business travel simply conflict you out from attending. If it means that much to you to attend, pay the change ticket charges & fly to Las Vegas after the wedding. Other wise hush. This is a scheduling issue not an attack on your relationship. She is obligated to go to the bachelorette thing whether you agree with that obligation or not. Put on your big boy pants & entertain yourself while she's out. Go to the hotel bar. Explore the "new" city; treat yourself to a nice dinner or take in a movie. Hell, grab a pizza or your favorite take out & watch pay per view in the hotel room. You have options. Be gracious & stop being a thorn in her side about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 She's not excluding you from the wedding. The logistics of this event coupled with your business travel simply conflict you out from attending. If it means that much to you to attend, pay the change ticket charges & fly to Las Vegas after the wedding. Other wise hush. This is a scheduling issue not an attack on your relationship. She is obligated to go to the bachelorette thing whether you agree with that obligation or not. Put on your big boy pants & entertain yourself while she's out. Go to the hotel bar. Explore the "new" city; treat yourself to a nice dinner or take in a movie. Hell, grab a pizza or your favorite take out & watch pay per view in the hotel room. You have options. Be gracious & stop being a thorn in her side about this. The wedding is Sunday evening and my conference starts 8 AM in Las Vegas. The wedding will be a bore and I actually lucked out getting out of wedding bc of my conference. I was looking forward to the rest of the weekend events and spending time with gf and her family. She brought this bachelorette party up just recently after we had the weekend all set. I don't see how she is "obligated" to go as she hardly knows the bride. Maybe we can compromise? She goes out to the dinner portion and then comes back to hotel and we do something together. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 She's obligated to go because you said there was somebody else who was going to give her a snoot full of grief if she doesn't go. You can ask her to compromise as you suggested -- dinner then she comes back to hang with you -- but what are you going to do if she says no or gets caught up & forgets? The whole thing just sounds like a powder keg of a fight waiting to happen. Since you are uninterested in the important part -- you know the actual wedding where the couple will make legally binding promises to each other -- just stay home. Wish her well. Chat with her before she goes to the party. Be a sweetie & have room service deliver a hangover cure breakfast to her in the morning. Then go to your conference. See her again when you get back. Is she fussing & carrying on that you are going to Sin City without her? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 This is a very large city but we will be staying out by airport and I won't have a car. I get alone time 5-6 nights a week on average since we live in different cities. I want time with my gf, not more alone time. Take an Uber. What are the other women in the bachelorette party's husbands/boyfriends doing that night? Maybe you can get together with them somewhere. And yes, you are being unreasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I dunno...she needs a BF that's more flexible, and you need a GF that will spend all her time with you.....you both need to go find those people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 She's obligated to go because you said there was somebody else who was going to give her a snoot full of grief if she doesn't go. You can ask her to compromise as you suggested -- dinner then she comes back to hang with you -- but what are you going to do if she says no or gets caught up & forgets? The whole thing just sounds like a powder keg of a fight waiting to happen. Since you are uninterested in the important part -- you know the actual wedding where the couple will make legally binding promises to each other -- just stay home. Wish her well. Chat with her before she goes to the party. Be a sweetie & have room service deliver a hangover cure breakfast to her in the morning. Then go to your conference. See her again when you get back. Is she fussing & carrying on that you are going to Sin City without her? Your first comment - "she's obligated to go bc there's someone who will give her grief"...What about my position and potentially giving her grief or being upset? Why would cousins grief be more important than wanting to be with me? I do want to avoid a powder keg of a fight as you foresee it. At this point I don't think she sees any issue with it as she only briefly mentioned it and then quickly changed subjects. We were originally going to attend wedding ceremony only (skip reception) then fly out to Vegas together. Her bossy cousin threw a fit. Me, being the accommodating thoughtful boyfriend, told her to stay the whole time and fly out on Monday so that is what she is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 Take an Uber. What are the other women in the bachelorette party's husbands/boyfriends doing that night? Maybe you can get together with them somewhere. And yes, you are being unreasonable. I've never met the bridge or groom. The only person I know there is my gf's brother. He has 3 small kids and a wife who I am sure is not attending bachelorette party. They will be in for the night by 8:30. I am being unreasonable because I am going on weekend trip with gf, who I do not get to see very often, and she is ditching me the first night we are there? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I just don't think you two are a good fit together. Both of you coming from toxic relationships has fooled you into thinking that your current relationship being better than those toxic relationships automatically makes this one a quality, healthy bond. It's not. You two sound like you're often not on the same page, and this keeps manifesting in the form of different conflicts. Ultimately, it's not these isolated incidents that are the problem. It's that you're both fundamentally different and the natural result is recurring problems like this. Even if you figure this conflict out, it won't be long until the next one. And that's not a knock on you. I was in a relationship like this. When it's just not a good fit, more problems arise because you're ignoring reality and trying to make square pegs fit into round holes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Your first comment - "she's obligated to go bc there's someone who will give her grief"...What about my position and potentially giving her grief or being upset? Why would cousins grief be more important than wanting to be with me?. She is your GF. Presumably you see her often. In contrast this wedding is, hopefully, a once in a life time event for this couple. (don't get all bent if it's a 2nd wedding). My point is the wedding & the things that go along with it are RARE. Therefore they take precedence because they are not recurring. If she saw these family members for big events like this all the time & was constantly leaving you in the lurch, then I'd say you had a point. But right now it's more of the same old song of you being obsessive, inflexible & suspicious. You can function apart from each other. Seriously, send her to the whole wedding weekend alone. Stay home. Prep for your big conference. Spend time with your kids. Contemplate your navel. Then enjoy Vegas with her when she gets there after the wedding. WTF is the big deal about each of you spending one weekend apart if it's leading up to a week together? Aren't you going to have to ditch her at times in Vegas while you conduct business? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 She is your GF. Presumably you see her often. In contrast this wedding is, hopefully, a once in a life time event for this couple. (don't get all bent if it's a 2nd wedding). My point is the wedding & the things that go along with it are RARE. . Seriously, send her to the whole wedding weekend alone. Stay home. Prep for your big conference. WTF is the big deal about each of you spending one weekend apart if it's leading up to a week together? Aren't you going to have to ditch her at times in Vegas while you conduct business? That's the thing, we don't get much time together. We love to take weekend trips or vacations together. At least I saw this as a nice weekend trip to a big city followed by a trip to Vegas together. She is not close at all to the cousin who is getting married. She is only going bc of her aunt and other "pushy" cousin. Yes I will be at my conference from 8-3ish each day. She knows this going in. This bachelorette party came out of left field after I had a nice weekend with her in my mind. I would equate it to saying to her before our Vegas trip "Honey, the first night in Vegas I am going out for the evening with an old colleague". I don't think she'd like that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 You are disappointed. That is understandable but is this really the hill you want to die on? Choose your battles. Seriously be gracious & understanding on this one because then if an evening business opportunity does arise she will be obligated to be understating if your attentions are divided. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I dunno...she needs a BF that's more flexible, and you need a GF that will spend all her time with you.....you both need to go find those people. This is it! Bazinga! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 You are in Vegas my friend, surely you can find something to do that night when she goes to the Bachelorette party? I understand your disappointment, it's not exactly what you would have planned for the weekend... But, in the words of the Gambler which seems appropriate here... "Sometimes you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em..." You have to let this go. Be gracious, there will be other nights, other trips together... Let her go to the Bachelorette party and go to the wedding - it's just something you have to do.m Link to post Share on other sites
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