Has he left me hanging?

[sarah.butl]

Hi guys! Bit of advice would be much appreciated here. I am a 30 year old (woman), went on a date with a 37 year old guy 8 days ago. It was really cool, hit it off instantly, we spent 5 hours together and just kept chatting, etc. All wonderful. He said all the right things, flirted, asked lots of questions, said many times he is having fun and this seemed to be true as we laughed a lot. He said maybe if I wanted to hang out next week? I said yeah sure sounds fun. Anyway we said our goodbyes then I was still in the taxi on the way home he texted what a glorious time he had. I texted back shortly after saying indeed and wished him good luck with a business thing he was talking about that was gonna take place the next day.

SO the issue starts here – that was last Sunday. Now it is Monday (as in 8 days later). Nothing since. Complete silence. He was a bit of a lazy whatsapp chatter even before (he said it himself) but I mean this is a bit more than that.

 

Have I been ghosted ? What is acceptable to wait after the first date to organise the next one, I was always thinking kind of within a week is acceptable to get in touch but

My gut feeling was very good about this guy so I’m a little surprised.

I obviously know I only met him once etc, no need to explain that to me, I am just wondering should I consider it over or did he actually mean “next week” when he said next week (i.e that next week is now) and he will get in touch ? (I know you aren’t psychics). I am just interested in your opinion. If he does get in touch, I am not sure how to react as you know, he left it quite long.

Thanks!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

SO the issue starts here – that was last Sunday. Now it is Monday (as in 8 days later). Nothing since. Complete silence. He was a bit of a lazy whatsapp chatter even before (he said it himself) but I mean this is a bit more than that.

 

Given the conditions you've described, is there a reason you wouldn't reach out to him? Seems like a low risk, high reward proposition...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PRW]

SO the issue starts here – that was last Sunday. Now it is Monday (as in 8 days later). Nothing since. Complete silence.

Not a big deal. I've went longer.

 

Have I been ghosted?

No. Ghosting is when they ignore your messages.

 

What is acceptable to wait after the first date to organise the next one

It is a "rule" to me. I never talk about the next date or reference it in any way while on the current date.

 

just wondering should I consider it over or did he actually mean “next week” when he said next week (i.e that next week is now) and he will get in touch?

That is 50% of the reason I don't bring up the next date or possibility of such while on the current date. No one can predict the future. I wait till I know I have the time and can plan it and do it before I contact you and make the offer. And when I do it will be a specific time/date/place because I was patient and took the time to plan.

 

The other 50% of the reason is that it hints at clingyness/neediness because I am trying to lock you into agreeing to the next date before the current one is even ended, and that hints that I am more worried about the future and "moving things along" than I am about just being in the moment and having a good time with you.

 

Other things to think about:

 

1. If he is actively dating, maybe dating apps or dating sites, then you are probably not the only one. That is actually a good thing. It keeps him from being desperate and clingy. If you are the more "classy act" compared to the others you will eventually win.

 

2. He should not be your only option. You should be putting yourself out there and getting dates with others. It will do the same thing for you for the same reasons. You will make wiser choices.

 

A healthy dating situation typically doesn't become exclusive till around 7-8 weeks (and the woman should be the one to initiate that conversation, not the guy). Until then you are not boyfriend/girlfriend. Date only once a week during the first half of that and increase a little more the second half of that. Once you are exclusive then you can kind of do what you want as long as you don't get too out of control. Always have discipline.

[sarah.butl]

Given the conditions you've described, is there a reason you wouldn't reach out to him? Seems like a low risk, high reward proposition...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What would I say?

My phone sent out an automatic notification to accidentally everyone on my phone about a fundraiser I'm doing (my bad but genuinely It was not on purpose) he read that and did not reply to that - however true that that was like a group message, not directed at him.

However I kind of think at this point that no message is a message (from him). He did not seem shy or anything like that - which would imply he needs a bit of nudging. Having said that he did not strike me as a ghoster either.

[sarah.butl]

Not a big deal. I've went longer.

 

No. Ghosting is when they ignore your messages.

 

It is a "rule" to me. I never talk about the next date or reference it in any way while on the current date.

 

That is 50% of the reason I don't bring up the next date or possibility of such while on the current date. No one can predict the future. I wait till I know I have the time and can plan it and do it before I contact you and make the offer. And when I do it will be a specific time/date/place because I was patient and took the time to plan.

 

The other 50% of the reason is that it hints at clingyness/neediness because I am trying to lock you into agreeing to the next date before the current one is even ended, and that hints that I am more worried about the future and "moving things along" than I am about just being in the moment and having a good time with you.

 

Other things to think about:

 

1. If he is actively dating, maybe dating apps or dating sites, then you are probably not the only one. That is actually a good thing. It keeps him from being desperate and clingy. If you are the more "classy act" compared to the others you will eventually win.

 

2. He should not be your only option. You should be putting yourself out there and getting dates with others. It will do the same thing for you for the same reasons. You will make wiser choices.

 

A healthy dating situation typically doesn't become exclusive till around 7-8 weeks (and the woman should be the one to initiate that conversation, not the guy). Until then you are not boyfriend/girlfriend. Date only once a week during the first half of that and increase a little more the second half of that. Once you are exclusive then you can kind of do what you want as long as you don't get too out of control. Always have discipline.

 

 

Thanks - I do go on other dates that is not the issue.

He actually did ignore in a way as he basically to my reply text to his (the one right after the date) never followed up. I even gave him some help by saying let me know how your business meeting goes -which would have made it an easy follow up for him to say - phew thanks for keeping fingers crossed it was great or whatever casual like that.

It has been 8 days ... I know people are busy etc but a guy who is interested...? not even check in?

[hippychick3]

I would assume that he met someone else and hit it off with that person more.

 

When a guy is really interested (and confident), he doesn’t wait more than a day or 2 to get in touch after that first date. Every guy who was interested in me kept up the momentum daily after the first date. There was never a doubt in my mind.

 

Unfortunately, it happens. Forget him and move on.

[PRW]

I would assume that he met someone else and hit it off with that person more.

 

When a guy is really interested (and confident), he doesn’t wait more than a day or 2 to get in touch after that first date.

 

I'm just using your comment to create an example scenario of how I approach this stuff.

 

In the context of just after a First Date....where we are still basically strangers...

 

If the date was on the weekend, I would contact you probably on Tues to make the next date,...I don't "check in". But if I had other dates on my calendar I would be contacting them to set the date. You would hear from me about 4 days to a week before the day that I planned so make the next date with you. So if there were two others besides you then for the next two weeks I would be contacting them, so it would be 3 weeks till I got back to you. As I narrow down to one person you would hear from me more often.

[PRW]

Thanks - I do go on other dates that is not the issue.

Good.

 

He actually did ignore in a way as he basically to my reply text to his (the one right after the date) never followed up. I even gave him some help by saying let me know how your business meeting goes -which would have made it an easy follow up for him to say

It's a little grey there. I would have gave some kind of response to you. But like I said, you are most likely not the only one.

 

Also keep in mind that at the end of a date no one on either side is ever going to give the other person a grocery list of negatives that they noticed and tell them, "Let me think over these things and see if any are a deal breaker, and if not I'll get back to you". They are almost always going to say they had a great time and that you's should get together again sometime.

 

It has been 8 days ... I know people are busy etc but a guy who is interested...? not even check in?

If I remember correctly this was a first date, that means in spite of how the date seemed to go you are both still basically complete strangers to each other,...and strangers do no owe each other a "check in". In fact I would be on guard for someone that expected that of me, and it would be a negative. Now if I was in a real exclusive relationship with you, or getting close to such, then that would be a different story.

[PRW]

Now I do have a problem with guys who pump up a woman's expectations and then not follow through. That is another reason I don't talk about a "next date" while still on, or at the end of, the current date. If I ever did, then you can bank on the fact that I will attempt to follow through on it,...but like I said, I don't do that to begin with.

[Mr. Lucky]

What would I say?

 

I'd start with "hello" .

 

"Was thinking of you, just checking in to see how you're doing. Bye, Sarah"

 

Either he will or he won't. At least you tried, better than wondering...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hippychick3]

I'm just using your comment to create an example scenario of how I approach this stuff.

 

In the context of just after a First Date....where we are still basically strangers...

 

If the date was on the weekend, I would contact you probably on Tues to make the next date,...I don't "check in". But if I had other dates on my calendar I would be contacting them to set the date. You would hear from me about 4 days to a week before the day that I planned so make the next date with you. So if there were two others besides you then for the next two weeks I would be contacting them, so it would be 3 weeks till I got back to you. As I narrow down to one person you would hear from me more often.

 

And I would have already lost interest by then.

[Springsummer]

The guy is such a fake. did all the right things and gave all the signals. If I were OP, I would be very surprised and confused too.

I think a person should be a man of his words. when he said next week, he should then do it.

I don't like people who say things they don't mean to.

[Springsummer]

Now I do have a problem with guys who pump up a woman's expectations and then not follow through. That is another reason I don't talk about a "next date" while still on, or at the end of, the current date. If I ever did, then you can bank on the fact that I will attempt to follow through on it,...but like I said, I don't do that to begin with.

 

 

exactly.

I don't like that person. Fake and cruel.

[PRW]

And I would have already lost interest by then.

 

 

Then I would see that and move on. Problem solved. We wouldn't be compatible.

[hippychick3]

Then I would see that and move on. Problem solved. We wouldn't be compatible.

 

Exactly.

 

The point is you're giving advice to men to not communicate often enough. They are likely to miss out on women who will lose interest without more communication and may actually be compatible and a damn good catch.

[glows]

It sounds like he's embarrassed about something. I suspect he over-inflated himself and you couldn't read between the lines. Alternatively whatever business deal he had going on fell flat and he's too embarrassed to talk about it. I don't really care what a person's got going on. If that person is into you he WILL reach out to you. The rules of early dating are still prehistoric and laced with gentlemanly effect. You are under no obligation to gush over him in order to baby him towards a second date. A man with no bs will treat you well and there will be no questions about his intentions or his honour.

 

Calling bull**** on this one. Don't waste your time and maybe learn to read between the lines a bit more.

[PRW]

Exactly.

 

The point is you're giving advice to men to not communicate often enough. They are likely to miss out on women who will lose interest without more communication and may actually be compatible and a damn good catch.

I think you are just not being patient enough in your experiences and judging men negatively too soon. So I would turn it around and say you would miss out on some solid guys by being too impatient. I would be looking at your impatients as the thing that makes us incompatible in that little example we created.

 

I practice what I preach and am living these things since I still date. I have had women react as you are saying. But I have the advantage of still seeing them around afterwards because we have overlapping social lives. So I see them continue to have more problems with man after man even after me. Sometimes it is just impatients, sometimes it is insecurities (which look just like impatients), but they keep having problems come up that stems from it and it is not always about how often the guy texts. The same impatients or insecurities rears its head in other areas too. So my approach does weed them out.

 

So regardless of how "hard" and "direct" I may appear in these forums, I still get along with all of the ones I used to date and I see them from time to time due to overlaping social lives. I get to talk to them and I get feedback from them (most guys don't get that). I have a pretty good skill to see beyond the excuses and "reading between the lines",...you've seen how deep I analyze some of the forum questions here. Combined that with the feedback I get from past dates,...I feel pretty confident with my approach.

[hippychick3]

I think you are just not being patient enough in your experiences and judging men negatively too soon. So I would turn it around and say you would miss out on some solid guys by being too impatient. I would be looking at your impatients as the thing that makes us incompatible in that little example we created.

I practice what I preach and am living these things since I still date. I have had women react as you are saying. But I have the advantage of still seeing them around afterwards because we have overlapping social lives. So I see them continue to have more problems with man after man even after me. Sometimes it is just impatients, sometimes it is insecurities (which look just like impatients), but they keep having problems come up that stems from it and it is not always about how often the guy texts. The same impatients or insecurities rears its head in other areas too. So my approach does weed them out.

 

So regardless of how "hard" and "direct" I may appear in these forums, I still get along with all of the ones I used to date and I see them from time to time due to overlaping social lives. I get to talk to them and I get feedback from them (most guys don't get that). I have a pretty good skill to see beyond the excuses and "reading between the lines",...you've seen how deep I analyze some of the forum questions here. Combined that with the feedback I get from past dates,...I feel pretty confident with my approach.

 

I don’t think that I have. I’ve always had the most success with those men who show strong interest from the beginning (including current bf). If the guy was not communicating with me regularly between dates, I interpreted that as low interest on his part. Low interest drives me away. It had nothing at all to do with patience. I had plenty of other men who were interested. I never regretted moving on from the low interest men regardless of their “solidness.” I encountered many solid guys who were eager to communicate daily.

[stillafool]

Maybe you girls should make up your mind to stop believing these guys when they say they will follow up. Go on dates, have a good time with no expectations other than to have a good time in the moment. When it's over assume you will never see them again and then go on to dating someone else. Do not have sex with any of them. Just have fun until one of them puts in a concerted effort to pursue you and make you their gf. I mean with words not gestures. I think this would help you guys not to get anxious over a man after just a first date.

[dranoel]

Maybe send one text (if you haven’t already) asking if he’d like to meet again. If you’ve already texted him and he hasn’t replied, or if he doesn’t respond to your first text, don’t text him again. Men like to pursue in a relationship, so he can feel like he’s “won” you. In this way you must act like a prize, and a prize needs to be worked for to be valued, not offered up. But if he doesn’t text you at all, then move on.

 

There’s a book called “He’s Just Not That Into You” that is eye opening for situations like this. One of the basic messages is that if a guy is into you, he WILL contact you. It’s as simple as that. He’ll contact and try to pursue you and ask you on dates. If he doesn’t, then unfortunately he is simply just not that into you. So don’t waste time wondering about why he’s not texting you if he never does. If he doesn’t, the reason is simply he’s not particularly interested.