preguntaz Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) Hi guys, this will be a long one so please bear with me... I moved abroad around 3 years ago for work. Two years in, I met Jay who I thought was, as tacky as it sounds, the one for me. I had never had this connection with anybody before and there was a lot of passion and closeness in our relationship. Jay has a female friend called Kate. He would go out of his way for her like - wait 1 hour at work just to walk her home, spend his lunch breaks helping her do her food shopping, etc. Even Jay's ex before us, asked if anything was going on between them which he has always denied... When Jay and I started dating, she threw a fit that he chose to see me instead of her and tried to make him jealous by bragging about the men she was seeing. I wasn't very comfortable with the friendship but tolerated it. She ended up moving abroad to New Zealand and I forgot about her. Until months later. Jay and I were having a fight over one of my exes that I have zero contact with. In retaliation, I asked to see his messages with Kate and when I saw them it made me incredibly uncomfortable. It wasn't full blown in your face stuff, it was more like calling each other cutesie names and saying how much their friendship meant to each other. I stupidly asked him to block her because they made me sick. I knew he has her on other social media and even felt bad the day after and told him they should talk. He said he wouldn't and didn't want to make me uncomfortable. This happened in July. Well, in Jan he ended up contacting her behind my back using his work email. He ended up telling her it had all been my fault and made me sound awful to her. I also caught him in lies so it made me crazy. The girl only replied to his initial message and then never bothered to contact him back after he begged to be friends. Last week she came to our country and sent a text asking to meet him. I told him it made me so uncomfortable and to respect my boundaries. He ended up choosing her. I lost my mind and had one of the worst fights with him ever. He ended up leaving and has moved in to one of his friends apartments (says he got a 1 year contract) I am now left with all the bills and apartment. Worse part is he pushed me to quit my job to pursue my dream job. Said he will support me... I haven't been successful and its been 5 months of unemployment. He is also confusing me now, cause he has recently sent me messages saying how he loves me and would hate to see me with another man and we need to stay friends. He still believes he did absolutely nothing wrong and has been telling his friends how crazy I am because I did literally lose it when this happened.... I have no family here or friends so this is all really hard for me. Please give me your advice? Is this all my fault? Edited August 27, 2018 by preguntaz Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Your fault? What did you do beside try to enforce some boundaries. You stuck up for yourself. Unfortunately, now you have legal problems. Is his name also on the lease? Then screw him. Pack up. Move home. Break the lease. The landlord will sue him for the money because he's there & you're not. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Basically, you made bad decisions from the beginning with this guy and then continued making them. Some questions you should ask yourself: Why did you quit your job when you were with someone you obviously couldn’t trust? Why did you stay with a guy who lied to you and bad-mouthed you? Why are you even talking to him now? I guess if it were me, I’d walk away from it all and return to my country and start over. If you have family there, see if you can live with them for awhile. Or, if the apartment has 2 rooms, find a roommate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I think this guy was playing both of you women. He wants to stay friends, eh? he has recently sent me messages saying how he loves me and would hate to see me with another man and we need to stay friends. - I bet she got these same messages. That's how he rolls, keep women on a string in case one or the other doesn't work out and/or convenient sex when one isn't available. He doesn't love you, he loved the "convenience". Block/delete. NO CONTACT ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Jay has a female friend called Kate. He would go out of his way for her like - wait 1 hour at work just to walk her home, spend his lunch breaks helping her do her food shopping, etc. Even Jay's ex before us, asked if anything was going on between them which he has always denied... When Jay and I started dating, she threw a fit that he chose to see me instead of her and tried to make him jealous by bragging about the men she was seeing. It sounds like not only was Jay involved with Kate while he was with his ex, but he was still tied to his ex while involved with you. And so the pattern continues. Hard - and expensive - lesson to learn but this knowledge is seldom cheaply gained. As you've been advised, cut your losses and move on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 At least you know you gave it a chance. Now it's time to move on. You did all you could for a chance at happiness so you have no regrets. Unfortunately now you need to start over. Muster up your courage and your smarts. You'll get back on your feet. You'll find a better man because you are a loving person. Can't say the same for him. With that "friend" around him, he'll always be alone. You need not be a part of his doom. Link to post Share on other sites
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