d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) A friend who can be a bit troubled & self centered misplaced her phone after a night of drinking on Friday. She thought she left it on the sidewalk near a friends home so in her drunken state she walked 2 miles to the friend's apartment & looked around. She then pounded on the friend's door at 4 a.m. hoping that her friend had the phone. The GF of the homeowner's son answered the door & said they didn't have the phone. My friend walked back home hysterical. The phone contained the only copies of certain photos of her late daughter who had died tragically a few years earlier. When she got back home my friend found the phone in her own house. It had fallen on the floor. The next morning the friend whose door got knocked on, sent a nasty text to my friend all in caps telling her to never pound on the door again at that hour unless it was life & death. My friend responded back that it was about the phone & the pictures of her deceased daughter that had her so frantic. The homeowner called her selfish & reiterated that she (my friend) should never again knock on the door at that hour. My friend called me in tears. I told her that the other woman would eventually apologize & that she was just mad & hung over. I also suggested that she overreacted a bit because if the other woman had found my friend's phone, she would have arranged to get it back to her. IMO it was a bit distrustful to assume she wouldn't return the phone. I suggested that she, my friend, take steps to upload the pictures to the cloud to protect them. The other woman did apologize a few hours later. It was heartfelt & sincere. Her rage was clearly born of the time of day. She too understands how my friend gets & we all cut her a break because her grief has made her super self absorbed. No excuse but understandable & she really is a good person & loyal friend. My friend who can be a bit obsessive talked about all day yesterday, Sunday, then called me at 7:30 a.m. this morning to "set the record straight" & tell me she didn't appreciate the dismissive way I treated her. I let that roll off me life water off a duck's back because I know the source. I reminded her that for anything short of a life & death emergency I wouldn't have appreciated her pounding on my door at 4 a.m. & reiterated that she has to have enough trust in people. That her friends would get her the phone back when she woke up. After confirming out plans for tonight, she hung up on me in a huff. I am now dreading seeing her later but I really want to go to the event we will be attending together. Can anyone think of something I can or should do? Unfortunately, I suspect I will just have to listen, & let it go in one ear & out the other. How to pull that off without offending her more? Edited August 27, 2018 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 If she brings it up remind her that losing her phone is not the end of the world. She’ll probably agree. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Tell her, We've already talked about this and agreed to disagree. Let's drop it and enjoy the evening. Good grief. She should have printed off and stored those photos way before now. So she really doesn't have any business making this someone else's problem. If she pushes, tell her that. You care so much that you panic and wake people up in the middle of the night but not enough to have stored these photos or printed them out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 d0nniain, all I can say is that you're a very forgiving and generous friend. In your shoes, I would be unable to tolerate her behaviour. I hope tonight works out well for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 If she brings it up remind her that losing her phone is not the end of the world. She’ll probably agree. Losing her phone is not the issue. Losing irreplaceable photos of her dead daughter would feel like the end of the world.. . .again. I have already encouraged her to save duplicate copies of the photos on multiple occasions but she hasn't. I know I'm venting but I just don't want to listen to her whine about this tonight. I've been struggling with my own stuff for the past few days & am in a downward spiral. I'm afraid I'll snap at her. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 don't go to the event 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Definitely don't have any drinks! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Losing her phone is not the issue. Losing irreplaceable photos of her dead daughter would feel like the end of the world.. . .again. I have already encouraged her to save duplicate copies of the photos on multiple occasions but she hasn't. I know I'm venting but I just don't want to listen to her whine about this tonight. I've been struggling with my own stuff for the past few days & am in a downward spiral. I'm afraid I'll snap at her. I’d say something positive then like “thank goodness you found it” and leave it at that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I reminded her that for anything short of a life & death emergency I wouldn't have appreciated her pounding on my door at 4 a.m. 100% agree with you on this!! As for the pictures, ask her to e-mail the pictures to you. Then you can save them on a thumb drive or burn them to a CD or DVD. My girlfriend had some pictures of her late mother on her phone, I told her to e-mail them to me, and I did just that. Now there are several backups of these photo(s). When your friend brings it up again (and she will) cut her off, make her e-mail the pictures to you right then and there. Tell her you'll back them up for her and insist she drop the matter and change subjects. There is no need to have your evening ruined because this individual can't back up her data. Just my two cents.... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I'm afraid I'll snap at her. If you're at this point, it's time to start either reconsidering tonight - or reconsidering the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 If she loses those photos, she's going to be mad at herself because it's her own fault. If she can't take responsibility for something like that, I don't know how she's going to run the rest of her life. I assume this is the friend that was looking at being homeless a few months ago that you were trying to help. I hope everything settles down for you, whatever's going on. If you're already down, you should let her know that and tell her you can't shoulder anyone else's problems right this minute. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Has she never heard of Find My Phone, Android you just type it in google, Apple login to your cloud... Honestly it doesn't seem like the woman whose door got punded on should be apologizing.. gezz.. I think when Alcohol is involved to this point then whoever was drunk take or bears the FULL responsibility for what happened. A sober mind: A. Might not have lost the phone B. Might have thought to use Find My Phone C. Looked in the house better before walking 2 miles D. Texted or called the other person I'm sure there is more.... But.. what should you do.. Listen of course but if her drinking is like this a lot you might want to mention she needs to cut back and not get drunk or get some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 She didn't really bring it up much last night. I was able to keep my cool & just repeatedly say back up the pictures. She had a bunch of excuses about why she had not done so & I managed to tell her I will have no sympathy for her if they are lost. I'm planning to buy her a thumb drive today & tell her I don't want to hear about it again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I'm planning to buy her a thumb drive today ... Great Job!! You are a good friend!! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 She sounds like she's barely functioning. I get she lost a daughter, horrible, but her attitude that she has an excuse for everything or blames everyone else shouldn't be tolerated. Glad you told her you don't want to hear any more about it. She sounds like she needs a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 She is barely functioning. There was a point when DH & I would call her every morning to make sure she got up for work. When she was unemployed, we would have her over for dinner at least one night per week so I knew she was eating something. She's very needy & terribly lonely. But she's also incredibly generous; she'd give a stranger the shirt off her back. I really don't mind taking care of her to some extent but I don't want to be pulled further into this drama with the other friend. Everything is a crisis in her life & she has a real victim mentality. She really is a good person, salt of the earth but sometimes she grates on my last nerve & yesterday was one of those days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Sounds like you're definitely doing more for her than anyone else. the victim mentality would get really old except as it pertains to her daughter. I think the littlest thing just tips her over the edge because she's that depressedepressed, but she still needs to know when she's blaming other people instead of herself. I hope she improves. I hope she at least gets to the point where being on a work routine is a comfort to her rather than a challenge. There's nothing wrong with letting her know when she's working your nerves on something like that. I mean she blew that up into a big deal. I guess that's because she can't handle anything extra. So I hope she's keeping her life simple as possible. You're being a great friend to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 She didn't really bring it up much last night. I was able to keep my cool & just repeatedly say back up the pictures. She had a bunch of excuses about why she had not done so & I managed to tell her I will have no sympathy for her if they are lost. I'm planning to buy her a thumb drive today & tell her I don't want to hear about it again. why do YOU have to buy her a thumb drive, get her to buy her own! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts