Sexless Marriage

[Mystery46]

I’ve been married going on 19 years. Couple of kids, good jobs and currently working on paying off bills. A few years after having kids, our sex life completely diminished. I’m in my mid 40’s and feeling alone, like I have a roommate and a father for my children. I went back to college and earned both an undergraduate and graduate degree, met my tribe of people and have a job I love. I miss being touched, I miss seeing the desire in a man’s eyes. I’m never told I am attractive or wanted. I think about divorce. I think about how I could not support myself right now. I think about the guilt I feel in thinking about ending a marriage and I think about how I just want to feel loved. He tells me he loves me, he cuddles me, but we don’t kiss, we are never intimate, we rarely communicate unless it’s about the kids or other shared responsibilities. I have approached him so many times that I have lost count over the years, stating exactly what I want and need. I think about having an affair and I dream of past relationships and the intimacy. I feel confused, angry and bitter. I am exhausted from trying to “work” on our relationship. I am fearful once we become empty nesters, which is around the corner, we will be faced with each other and continue to live with nothing between us. I love him, but I don’t think it’s as much as it used to be. Right now, I feel I am in a very conflicted complicated state of mind...

[viatori patuit]

Do you actually have sex?

 

What are some things you have done to spice things up a bit?

[central]

Divorce is an option. There is alimony and/or child support to help with income issues. It will still be difficult, but it is better to live with hope, than the certainty of neglect. Been there, done that, and leaving my ex made a vast improvement in my happiness.

[FMW]

You say you've approached him many times, do you mean you've told him exactly how you're feeling? And if so, what is his response? Does he know how serious this is, that you've thought about divorce?

 

The usual advice is to talk honestly and openly with each other and if that doesn't get anywhere then to seek marriage counseling. Have you done either/both of those things?

[BluesPower]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

You will get some advice that will be, get his T levels checked, is he having an affair, is he gay, is he asexual, Madonna/whore complex, and on and on.

 

And I am not saying that some of that may help or explain what is not going on.

 

You could write and listen to advice for years, and it may help.

 

But frankly, I will tell you that you need to divorce. And a lot of people will bash me for saying that.

 

I have known many woman in this situation, and nothing they did helped at all. It is always the same for men in a sexless marriage as well.

 

But you are in your 40's and you have so much life left, I encourage you to talk to him honestly, and tell him that you want a divorce.

 

You will find plenty of time to find a man that loves you and is sexual as well.

 

My GF had some of these problems in a couple of marriages or even worse just plain old BAD sex.

 

I know it is scary and hard, but in the long run you will be better off.

[Mystery46]

Do you actually have sex?

 

No, we don’t have sex, but I have tried. He usually falls asleep.

 

What are some things you have done to spice things up a bit?

 

I have asked him what his fantasies are, I’ve “dolled” myself up, I’ve tried various positions, asked about role play, used toys, massage, walked around naked etc. etc. I even asked about including a third person to see if that would elicit a response. None of it has worked.

[Mystery46]

Divorce is an option. There is alimony and/or child support to help with income issues. It will still be difficult, but it is better to live with hope, than the certainty of neglect. Been there, done that, and leaving my ex made a vast improvement in my happiness.

 

Thanks. I have thought about divorce, but I don’t think I am there yet. I do think I am on that path...somewhere...

[Mr. Lucky]

I have asked him what his fantasies are, I’ve “dolled” myself up, I’ve tried various positions, asked about role play, used toys, massage, walked around naked etc. etc. I even asked about including a third person to see if that would elicit a response. None of it has worked.

 

But what reasons does he give for not wanting to have sex with you? Have you asked specifically "why?".

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mystery46]

You say you've approached him many times, do you mean you've told him exactly how you're feeling? And if so, what is his response? Does he know how serious this is, that you've thought about divorce?

 

The usual advice is to talk honestly and openly with each other and if that doesn't get anywhere then to seek marriage counseling. Have you done either/both of those things?

 

Yes, to all that you asked. I have been brutally honest. He refuses to seek counseling.

[Mystery46]

But what reasons does he give for not wanting to have sex with you? Have you asked specifically "why?".

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He says he’s thought about having sex with many times and then he doesn’t know, it just doesn’t cross his mind when he gets home and then he’s tired. I should say there is an 8 year difference in age and he is older. Yes, I have asked him to go to the doctor because I told him I can no longer live this way. My fear is that even after going he still won’t follow through and then I know it’s time to move on.

[Mystery46]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

You will get some advice that will be, get his T levels checked, is he having an affair, is he gay, is he asexual, Madonna/whore complex, and on and on.

 

And I am not saying that some of that may help or explain what is not going on.

 

You could write and listen to advice for years, and it may help.

 

But frankly, I will tell you that you need to divorce. And a lot of people will bash me for saying that.

 

I have known many woman in this situation, and nothing they did helped at all. It is always the same for men in a sexless marriage as well.

 

But you are in your 40's and you have so much life left, I encourage you to talk to him honestly, and tell him that you want a divorce.

 

You will find plenty of time to find a man that loves you and is sexual as well.

 

My GF had some of these problems in a couple of marriages or even worse just plain old BAD sex.

 

I know it is scary and hard, but in the long run you will be better off.

 

Thanks for the honesty!

[central]

He says he’s thought about having sex with many times and then he doesn’t know, it just doesn’t cross his mind when he gets home and then he’s tired. I should say there is an 8 year difference in age and he is older. Yes, I have asked him to go to the doctor because I told him I can no longer live this way. My fear is that even after going he still won’t follow through and then I know it’s time to move on.

 

He really should get a thorough checkup. Is he overweight? Does he have low testosterone? If he isn't in decent shape, he'll tire easily and not be interested in sex. I'm 8 years older than my wife, I'm mid-60s, and we still have sex almost daily after 19 years. Age shouldn't be an issue for him - poor health, or not being into you any longer, could be.

[Mr. Lucky]

I should say there is an 8 year difference in age and he is older.

 

Makes him in his mid-50's, should be raring to go.

 

Does he look at porn? If so, what type?

 

Mr. Luicky

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, this is a sad story ... one that I fear happens far more frequently than we typically think ... and sometimes it goes the other way ... with the woman withdrawing from sex.

 

I'm going to assume you have checked if medications are the problem. As a friend of mine once said, Prozac killed her sex drive. Certain antidepressants kill libido ... and other medications as well. Does he have any health conditions or medications that would disrupt his libido?

 

Assuming medications aren't the problem, you can lose the guilt ... One reason to lose the guilt is that divorce certainly disrupts kids lives (though they usually recover!) ... But growing up with asexual unaffectionate parents also disrupts kids lives ... and disrupt their lives well into adulthood when this model of platonic parents starts to haunt their own dating lives--without them knowing it until, of course, they get to therapy!

 

So closing your eyes, holding your breath and staying in the marriage isn't necessarily good for children. Sometimes people act like your husband because they grew up with roommate parents and they never figured out how odd that is. (Not saying that's true for him--of course, I don't know him.)

 

His lack of sexual interest in you--absence of sexual interest in you--IS big issue ... it's not minor ... because there are only a few people among us who are asexual ... so there's a chance, as others have mentioned, that he's gay, or was abused as a kid ... or married you without being genuinely sexually attracted to you ... or is cheating on you ... or some combination of these possibilities. And when the truth comes out, it's usually devastating to the person in your situation. I say this hesitantly--obviously I don't know ... But you are naive to just say "he's just like that" and leave it alone. Your alarms should be sounding ... not just your desperation alarms for affection, but more alarming alarms!

 

Also you're going to be increasingly vulnerable to having an affair and that applies even if affairs are against your moral code. A attractive guy at work or a conference shows that visceral interest in you ... at a time when you and your body and soul are starving for affection and affirmation ... boom! Next thing you know you're lying on your back next to someone in a hotel bed asking for a cigarette.

 

So it seems you're blocked right now ... and when people are blocked ... not even allowing themselves to problem-solve and think clearly, I usually recommend a trip to therapy ... You're going to need to get to core strengths, core values and be at your very best either way! .. whether you hold your nose and stay ... or if you initiate a divorce. So you might as well go! There is also some issue about how you let this go on for so long. So some issues of assertiveness or lack of assertiveness there that are worth examining and then healing.

 

And let's be real: this problem is way beyond wearing a slutty outfit or a nighty and all of that. Attraction doesn't require that ... You have a fundamental problem going on with him ... not a problem of "I need to do something different."

 

And the bad news is ... unless he has a health condition or medication issue, there is little hope that this will change. Sorry, guys just don't wake up and say, "Oh, I haven't been touching you for years now. Oh, I forgot. Let me touch you now."

 

Take this seriously ... do not label yourself selfish ... this is a good selfish!

 

Imagine this guy dumps you in five years ... You will be in such excruciating pain from being ignored all those years ... and then dumped ... Get busy to figure this out.

[FMW]

Doesn't sound like he's too motivated to do anything about it, and in that case then I agree with BluesPower.

 

I had a sexless marriage, I know very well how it affects you, emotionally and physically. I've also ended a long (23 years) marriage, so I know how huge that decision is.

 

It all comes down to deciding if you want to live the rest of your life this way.

[seren]

Mystery, I have been married for over 30 years, the past 8 have been in a marriage with love but no sex. My H had an A 10 years ago and that was mostly failed attempts at sex or none at all. We had a brief period of mad sex after we decided we wanted to be together, but, he shows no interest in sex at all. Like you I have discussed it over and over and can relate to wanting that feeling you are desirable to the person you love. He is at a loss to explain why he feels this way, he went to his doctor who gave him viagra, I refuse to let him use it as he has heart problems and I would rather a life with him and no sex than him risking his health.

 

We love each other, are in love with each other, we like each other and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. I can only assume it is part of his PTSD after tours in Iraq and Afghanistan that has added to whatever he has going on. The A was one symptom of that, his loss of libido another. I think, in my situation, it is because he never, ever feels good enough, no matter how much I tell and show him that he is. It is lonely, it is terrible to want that intimacy and for the other to not address it.

 

I have decided that if it means a celibate marriage or no marriage I will choose celibacy. It isn't what i would have chosen for myself, I am all talked out about it with him, but it does surface now and again and he gets panic attacks when I speak about it, so I leave well alone. I am assertive, strong and the coper in our marriage, he is a strong very manly sort of man, he gave 26 years to the military and ended up broken on the back of PTSD, if all I can give him is love, then that is what I choose.

 

if it gets too much and if you can see a life without him and if it is 'just' the lack of intimacy, then you do have a choice to make that isn't easy. It is not just about sex, it is about far, far more, your H sounds like mine, not wanting counselling about it and not really having any answers as to why. Because they do we blame ourselves, we think it is us, well no, it isn't, it is all about whatever they are dealing with in their heads, shame they don't share with us.

 

I hope it works out for you in a way you are comfortable (not happy) with. I am choosing to stay, I love the bones of my H and couldn't imagine my life without him. You now need a long think about what you want. xxx take care

[Liz Murry]

I am the one who doesn't desire sex. And with good reason. I have been married 28 years. I started out ready for a mature motivated partnership with goals for the future. He had other "goals". They were to mostly ignore me except when he wanted sex, keep us broke by spending on money on probably gambling since we don't have anything significant, not bathing or brushing his teeth, and doing nothing around the house but watch tv and play games, and never wanting to go and do anything fun, E-V-E-R. Sorry...that doesn't turn me on and I don't feel guilty about it. I am actually a very low-maintenance female and can be happy with spending an afternoon in the woods walking the dogs. I don't want diamonds, boats, cars, fancy clothes, or a ridiculous house. The only reason I am still married is because he would fight it until we both had nothing left. I am NOT going to lose this house that I have worked my self to death to keep. End of.

[brigit87]

But frankly, I will tell you that you need to divorce. And a lot of people will bash me for saying that.

 

 

I'm not going to bash you but I'm going to disagree with you.

 

OP,

 

DON'T GET DIVORCED!

 

I do know how you feel: you miss the excitement of new sex, clothes ripping off, dirty talk etc.

 

You have a good marriage. Maybe not passionate but good. Don't mess it up. And, don't let some "nice guy friend" know about the lack of sex in your marriage. Trust me on that one.

 

Life is short. Don't give up something good for a fantasy of what you think would be great.

[BluesPower]

I'm not going to bash you but I'm going to disagree with you.

 

OP,

 

DON'T GET DIVORCED!

 

I do know how you feel: you miss the excitement of new sex, clothes ripping off, dirty talk etc.

 

You have a good marriage. Maybe not passionate but good. Don't mess it up. And, don't let some "nice guy friend" know about the lack of sex in your marriage. Trust me on that one.

 

Life is short. Don't give up something good for a fantasy of what you think would be great.

 

You understand that they have NO sex right?

 

I just wanted to make sure you saw that part. I would never wish sexlessness on my worst enemy...

[brigit87]

You understand that they have NO sex right?

 

I just wanted to make sure you saw that part. I would never wish sexlessness on my worst enemy...

 

Here are what she claims are the facts:

~I’ve been married going on 19 years.

~Couple of kids, good jobs and currently working on paying off bills.

~I’m in my mid 40’s

~I could not support myself right now.

~ He tells me he loves me,

~he cuddles me

 

OK, sounds like a decent marriage. If a woman in her mid 40's with a couple of kids and unable support herself thinks she's going to leave her boring husband for some kinda wonderful hot guy who gives her tons of sex, supports her, and helps raise her kids then she will be in for a bad wakeup call.

 

Just sayin

[BluEyeL]

I actually agree with Bridgit . Being single , a single mom in your mid -late 40s is not a walk in the park . It’s not even guarantee of hot sex. Been there done that got the tee shirt. It sucked ! It’s really not worth it. The fantasy may not even happen.

 

I admit it is sad you have to forgo a sex life. Maybe he’d consider an open marriage ?

[Mr. Lucky]

Life is short. Don't give up something good for a fantasy of what you think would be great.

 

There's an old saying that sex is 5% of a marriage when working well and 95% when it's not. Exaggerated for effect but the lack of intimacy is going to color every interaction with her husband.

 

Hard to describe it as a "good" marriage under those conditions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

Maybe it is time to tell him the current situation is unacceptable.

[giotto]

There's an old saying that sex is 5% of a marriage when working well and 95% when it's not. Exaggerated for effect but the lack of intimacy is going to color every interaction with her husband.

 

Hard to describe it as a "good" marriage under those conditions...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As usual, Mr. Lucky is bang on...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I am the one who doesn't desire sex. And with good reason. I have been married 28 years. I started out ready for a mature motivated partnership with goals for the future. He had other "goals". They were to mostly ignore me except when he wanted sex, keep us broke by spending on money on probably gambling since we don't have anything significant, not bathing or brushing his teeth, and doing nothing around the house but watch tv and play games, and never wanting to go and do anything fun, E-V-E-R. Sorry...that doesn't turn me on and I don't feel guilty about it. I am actually a very low-maintenance female and can be happy with spending an afternoon in the woods walking the dogs. I don't want diamonds, boats, cars, fancy clothes, or a ridiculous house. The only reason I am still married is because he would fight it until we both had nothing left. I am NOT going to lose this house that I have worked my self to death to keep. End of.

 

I’m no expert but your H seems to be for sure exhibiting unreasonable behaviour and refusal to engage in self care ( bathing etc) might signify a mental issue you could use as grounds for divorce. Would that let you get the house? You deserve love and respect. I’m sorry that you are coping with this.