I [26/F] Felt Violated Yesterday By A Coworker’s Friend, But I Also Think I’m Overrea

[Emmafive]

Wasn’t quite sure where to post this so my apologies if this is the wrong place and isn’t written well I’m doing this quickly on my phone.

 

Last night I went out with my coworkers to dinner. Almost everyone brought a friend or SO, but I came alone. My closest coworker who is gay brought his older straight friend. This was my first time meeting the friend. I learned he’s an older man with two preteen kids.

 

We were having a good time eating and drinking. I eventually stopped and had water. I was pretty buzzed I admit. Hours passed and my close friend and his friend all took an Uber home. I sat in the middle. His friend kept rubbing on my butt and putting his hand up my dress. I clenched my hand to block him but he moved it. Being a little buzzed I started to cry and I just froze unable to speak up. He kept going up my dress, caressing my leg, and continued to move my hand each time while I continued to cry. The harder I clenched the more he wedged his hand. This lasted the entire car ride so 30 minutes. As soon as we stopped I hoped out and pretended I needed to make a call. My coworker/friend found me and said his friend wanted to know if he had the “okay” from me, I guess to continue his advances. He looked at me asked if I was okay. I shook my head no but didn’t give any details. Later on, he texted me he was sorry on his behalf and didn’t know he was, “like that”. I wasn’t flirting with him and I never gave him any indication that I was interested.

 

I cried some more when I got home and again this morning. Didn’t really feel like coming into work but I did. The thing is I know he wasn’t right but I also feel like I’m overreacting. I’m just upset with myself for crying and freezing up because not speaking up, crying, and overreacting is completely unlike me.

 

Tl;dr coworker’s friend kept touching me but I think I’m overreacting

[d0nnivain]

You are not overreacting. That man sexually assaulted you!

 

In the moment you completely underreacted. Why didn't you scream at this idiot to stop molesting you? Why didn't you tell your gay work friend to tell his ******* buddy to stop? Why didn't you ask the Uber driver to call the police? Why didn't you slap him in self defense?

 

By your silence the pervert thought you were acquiescing & saying yes. If you mean No, find your voice & say NO!

 

You need to learn to stick up for yourself or you will spend your life as perpetual victim.

 

Do tell your buddy how offensive his friend is & never get within arm's length of him again.

[Mr. Lucky]

You need to learn to stick up for yourself or you will spend your life as perpetual victim.

 

Agreed. No means no but you still have to say "no". And then punch him in the face, he seems a slow learner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You are not wrong. What he did was disgusting.

 

Also, please don't feel that you have any blame for not speaking up. Yes, it would be great to be confident enough to stand up for yourself, but things aren't always so easy or clear cut in the moment. I mean even now you are doubting whether you were overreacting, so I can understand why you didn't know how to react at the time.

 

For what it is worth I think you made your lack of consent abundantly clear. If this man had any decency he would have stopped the second you tried to block his hand or taken a second to acknowledge the tears in your eyes. It was unacceptable behavior.

 

There are more ways of saying no without using words, and I think it's something people need to talk about more to stop things like this from happening.

 

If you want to report him, you are absolutely within your rights to do so. However, at the very least I think you should confide in a friend you trust.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, you were sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry.

 

Pushing his hand away should have been a clear indication that what he was doing was NOT ok. Unfortunately, it was not and you needed to be more clear.

 

Thinks of it this way, you did the best you could, in a very difficult situation. And, you will be prepared next time, should you ever find yourself in this unfortunate situation again...

[Lorenza]

Yup, you've been sexually assaulted.

 

NEVER ever question yourself if you're wrong or overreacting if someone's actions makes you feel uneasy or violated. It's your body and you have the exclusive right to decide what you want to be done to it and whoever is crossing the line is in the wrong, not you. Don't be afraid to say it loud or be clear about it - if you don't like someone touching you, you're NEVER overreacting.

 

That being said, I do think you've been quite clear with your actions, but maybe that disgusting guy was too drunk to get it. If needed, yell out "No! Stop it!" next time something like that happens, especially if there are other people around. Don't be ashamed, it doesn't matter what everyone will think, your goal is to protect yourself.

[snowboy91]

We were having a good time eating and drinking. I eventually stopped and had water. I was pretty buzzed I admit. Hours passed and my close friend and his friend all took an Uber home. I sat in the middle. His friend kept rubbing on my butt and putting his hand up my dress. I clenched my hand to block him but he moved it. Being a little buzzed I started to cry and I just froze unable to speak up. He kept going up my dress, caressing my leg, and continued to move my hand each time while I continued to cry. The harder I clenched the more he wedged his hand. This lasted the entire car ride so 30 minutes. As soon as we stopped I hoped out and pretended I needed to make a call. My coworker/friend found me and said his friend wanted to know if he had the “okay” from me, I guess to continue his advances. He looked at me asked if I was okay. I shook my head no but didn’t give any details. Later on, he texted me he was sorry on his behalf and didn’t know he was, “like that”. I wasn’t flirting with him and I never gave him any indication that I was interested.

 

You are not overreacting. That man sexually assaulted you!

 

In the moment you completely underreacted. Why didn't you scream at this idiot to stop molesting you? Why didn't you tell your gay work friend to tell his ******* buddy to stop? Why didn't you ask the Uber driver to call the police? Why didn't you slap him in self defense?

 

By your silence the pervert thought you were acquiescing & saying yes. If you mean No, find your voice & say NO!

 

In a situation which brings that much stress and fear, it can often trigger a "freeze" response which may be what happened here. OP what happened here is definitely considered sexual assault, and I'm really sorry that you weren't able to speak up. He should have got the hint when you tried to push his hand away.

 

Whenever someone tries to make a move on you like that and you don't want it, it's not ok. As others said, it's NEVER an over-reaction. I do hope that if it happens again, you recognise it and don't be afraid to hit them across the face. I never advocate violence, but guys that continuously make unwanted moves need a serious wake up call.

[lana-banana]

You aren't overreacting, YOU WERE ASSAULTED. You need to tell your coworker about what happened in no uncertain terms. Don't try to apologize, don't say "I think I'm overreacting, but...", don't shrug it off. Tell him "your friend assaulted me" and make it clear you are never going to see him again.

 

Also, please don't blame yourself for your reaction. The first time I was sexually assaulted (grabbed, groped and kissed by a stranger) I froze up completely. Never mind that I'm a pretty tough cookie; I just stood there in shock. There is no blame on you whatsoever for this---you did nothing wrong.

 

Does your work have a good leave policy? Maybe take Friday off and spend some time doing something you enjoy, or spend some time with friends. People underestimate how assault makes you feel weirdly bad about yourself. I remember thinking I must be really ugly and gross and useless if strangers felt they could just do that to me.

 

*hugs*

[major_merrick]

No, you aren't overreacting. He shouldn't have done that. Take this one as a lesson learned - if they don't get the hint immediately, a firm slap to the face is usually a good follow up. I have done that and more over less of a provocation, and it usually works.