Flesh eating disease, connections, love, and other messy things

[BlueDucks]

Does that sound crazy? Mostly, I'm frustrated, lonely, and questioning my sanity. Also, sorry in advance for the small novel.

 

Back story bits: Last year, almost exactly, my husband fell very I'll with flesh eating disease. Total fluke, almost died, was hospitalized almost a month (it was in his side, he didn't lose limbs) but had many surgeries, months to heal at home afterwards. He was laid off at the time, I've been the breadwinner, and also had to take care of our 2 high needs young kids solo (a little help from family and friends for the first 2 weeks or so). Through follow up appointments, hes diagnosed with Depression too. Starts on meds, but is less than compliant taking and medications/health advice regularly.

 

Somehow, we made it through that hell. Fast forward to November...boom. My Mom dies. Hes still recovering at home, but at least can drive and do some basic things now. I am devastated, he supports me where he can but it's still mostly emotionally unavailable. I get it though, I am a nurse and understand Mental Health.

 

Fast forward to January. I enroll in a degree full time, while contuining work, to advance my career (I have a 5-7 year game plan; hubby says he's supportive) Then, maybe a week after, my sister is diagnosed with cancer. Again, he is still depressed, not working, sleeping 16 ish hours a day, not compliant with follow up mental health care and mostly emotionally emotionally unavailable, but he understands I am devastated again, and supports me as best he can. My sister becomes very sick despite chemo and passes away in March.

 

I can't explain to you the depths of my sadness, losing 75% of my family in 4 months. I feel immeasurably alone.

 

Again, he tries to support me. I think mostly, he doesn't know what to do to comfort me and due to the depression, simply can't. I need to hire a house cleaner because I am completely overwhelmed between him, house, work, and school. He does nothing but sleep all day, and play video games at night. He also begins smoking marijuana daily at night, (which I'm not a huge fan of... the science that warns of marijuana use alongside mental health issues is frightening, however, he believes it helps him, so I digress) saying it helps him with his depression. Again he is still mostly non-compliant with taking medication. A 30-day script for his depressants lasts him 90 days.

 

So, currently: He cries a lot when I confront him about his choices, and he frequently loses his temper with the children and myself. I suspect he may have hit one of our children who is nonverbal, but when I try to discuss this he instantly becomes upset, teary, and very defensive, stating "How could you even think that??" (The child was cowering when hubby raised his hand while raising his voice one day, while I was home) Theres no bruises or marks, but he has previously (last year, pre illness) punched a hole through our bathroom door, so I'm leery.

 

Here's my dilemma: I.Am.Exhausted. Physically, emotionally, everything. I miss sex and play terribly. We are so young.

He is also still not employed, still not caring for his mental health, there are two to three crying episodes weekly yet he walks away from any difficult conversations, usually projecting the fact that I am picking on him (or somehow it's my fault) and that's why he is so upset. We have not had any intimacy since last year, he rarely hugs me or even asks me how my day was without looking at his phone or video game. I recieved a big promotion a month ago, and my responsibilities and salary increased significantly. He has retreated so far away from me, it breaks my heart. It affects the children they tiptoe around him because he is volatile with his moods, so defensive and reactionary. He was not like this at all when we first dated and married.

 

I truly believe marriage is through thick and thin. I want to be there for him. I have tried so hard. I love him so so much. I am also so so lonely, I cannot imagine living like this forever.

 

Tonight, he was teary again because I asked him for help with the laundry, but told me he felt attacked when I asked him. So, I held his hand and told him he HAS to get help for our marriage to keep healthy. That I was lonely, I wanted his companionship, and the kids deserve a healthy Dad. Offered to line up counseling, to call and make him the doctor's appointment with mental health, etc.etc. that I would support him through every step, because I know depression makes it hard to just do it. He told me he understands his non-compliance it is a result of his depression, stated he might try counseling and he might try taking his medications regularly, but he's "just not good at taking them." He agreed he needed help.

 

Soooo.

 

Am I an *********, or does this sound like I'm being rational, realistic? Im questioning myself tonight...I don't know if I did the right thing, but I'm starting to be resentful, and that's not who I am.

 

I'm not overly optimistic that he will commit to helping himself. He stated he would call to get a doctor's appointment tomorrow, then went out with a friend for the evening (which I'm always ok with, they go to a buddy's and play games, it's good for him to get out) And I understand he'll take a long time to get well.

But what the hell do I do next if he doesn't do anything to get healthy? Financially, he does not have to work because I can support the house hold. But I would love for him to do something he loves or is passionate about, anything at all. I have told him this multiple times, he always tells me about what he plans to do or wants to try, and I get excited...but then he just does nothing. Then gets upset when I ask about it.

 

I would never have thought of separating, but I cannot imagine living like this current state forever. And because of my background, I understand his behavior has to have consequences or he is extremely unlikely to change anything. I dont know what I would follow through on...I dont want to give up on him, but I'm reaching my limit. I feel like I've been understanding and loving, fair. But I'm also becoming resentful at everything I have to shoulder by myself. I signed up to have a partner. I'd take a friend at this point. But I have needs too, and I love myself too much to become miserable because I was scared to love him hard too.

 

Any thoughts or advice, or even just a friend, would be so welcome.

 

Cheers.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I have lost my mother, her death was just a few months after her cancer diagnosis... So, I can in some small way appreciate your pain. Any one of those experiences would be devastating to anyone, to have three such difficult experiences in the matter of months is almost too much to take...

 

I'm not sure that I have any other words of wisdom as it relates to your husband. You have been very understanding and you have encouraged him to get help... You have to decide how long you plan to wait for him to turn things around... Perhaps, marriage counselling would be helpful at the right time.

 

As for you, I just wanted to encourage you to practice extreme self care right now, as much as you can. Call in the troops - find yourself a good counsellor, hire a babysitter to allow you some time to yourself (to go to yoga, go for a long walk, grieve your loss)... You must try to take care of yourself if you want to continue to take care of your children, and your husband.

 

Sending best wishes your way tonight. Take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

I need to hire a house cleaner because I am completely overwhelmed between him, house, work, and school.

 

An awful lot on your plate (and his), hard for us outsiders to even comprehend.

 

Under the circumstances, does it make sense to pursue so many avenues at once? Wouldn't it make sense to delay school until thing resolve a little more? I might have even been tempted to pass on the promotion at work, you need most of your energy just to deal with things at home.

 

I know you'll tell me all the reasons why the above isn't possible. But trust me, I've seen many people try to move ahead at full speed while shouldering similar burdens. The crash is usually spectacular, gut-wrenching and regrettable because because it takes the one high-functioning partner and renders them ineffective.

 

Just my two cents. Very tough road, hope you find some peace and see some progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueDucks]

...does it make sense to pursue so many avenues at once? Wouldn't it make sense to delay school until thing resolve a little more? I might have even been tempted to pass on the promotion at work, you need most of your energy just to deal with things at home.

 

Well, no, I won't disagree with you. I have slowed down my course load temporarily. And I really had to accept the promotion...I wouldn't have this opportunity again for 15+ years (executive position, so infrequent opportunity to move into the role... essentially waiting for a more senior partner to retire or pass away). Although in saying that, the board does understand my challenges I have faced this past year, and that it requires me to work from home or mobile frequently, and travel must be limited for now.

 

At home, I have hired a housekeeper, as well as a respite worker for the kids since due to their diagnosis they must have versus a babysitter. And I'm active with yoga several times a week, work out, eat decently, and take care of myself as much as I can. I am consciously very aware that everything is on my shoulders, so I think I'm doing everything I can control.

 

I'm waffling about weather my ultimatums / pushing for him is both enough yet compassionate. It has been wrenching my gut all evening. I know I can't control what he does, or doesn't do. But I want to give him the best possible shot at making the best possible choices.

[BaileyB]

I'm waffling about weather my ultimatums / pushing for him is both enough yet compassionate. It has been wrenching my gut all evening. I know I can't control what he does, or doesn't do. But I want to give him the best possible shot at making the best possible choices.

 

It sounds like you have been more than patient and very understanding with his illness and his depression. You have good perspective. You can't control what he does, or doesn't do... Unfortunately, he has to be the one to pull himself up with whatever encouragement and support you can muster. I don't blame you for feeling badly, I would be pissed if I was dealing with everything you are dealing with and my partner was not helpful.

 

You mentioned many wonderful things that you are doing for yourself, but I don't remember reading about counselling. Would you consider grief counselling and/or talking to someone who could help you to deal with your feelings for your husband?

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, no, I won't disagree with you. I have slowed down my course load temporarily. And I really had to accept the promotion...I wouldn't have this opportunity again for 15+ years (executive position, so infrequent opportunity to move into the role... essentially waiting for a more senior partner to retire or pass away).

 

Like I said, you'll have all reasons why you had to sail into the storm. But understand, just as his choices have consequences, so do yours.

 

Hope he reconnects and you have time to recognize whether or not he's really trying. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky