gia37 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I have a “thing” with this guy since May, we met a year ago. We are mostly long distance, as I work abroad. He is a farmer and the mother of his 3 kids (2 grown ups, one 10) left him a year ago after having cheated on him throughout their relationship. He calls himself “broken” and his ego got a big blow, as she cheated on him in their house with his relative. After the initial meeting he kept contact through messages and in May (while I was on holiday in our home country) we got closer and intimate. Since then I have been on holiday 3 times and I noticed a pattern. We are both 47 (I’m divorced). While I’m abroad he chats with me every day and we also call. He is very caring and tells me how he misses me and waits for me to come home (and even live with him). When I come home for holidays (his farm is at 5 km from my place) he is not very keen on seeing me. He works all day and then we meet in the dark... we just drive around or have a coffee and chat and it ends with sex (we are both sex starved). He struggles to meet me in the daytime... he is very social and has a group of friends in his village (they are all countrymen and hunters too)... sometimes they drink and have bbq etc... guys stuff. He has lived for years wo sex, bc his ex didn’t want to sleep with him. I confronted him about our night dates and why he cant spend a day with me and he admitted that he is avoidant and scared, bc his wife cheated on him and now he keeps me at a hand distance. This situation stresses me, because I have obviously feelings for him and there is chemistry and he also talks about future. I’m not sure what to do about it... I don’t want to put pressure on him, but my holiday passes and we cant spend together a damn day! It’s as if everything is on his terms... I stick around bc he is a good guy at heart and I like many things about him... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 It certainly seems like he is not ready for a relationship... What this guy wants, is a friend and a lover. Not necessarily a girlfriend. You can accept that, and wait around to see if that changes... It's up to you. But for now, you should know that you are miles ahead of him in terms of being ready for a committed relationship. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I don’t want to put pressure on him, but my holiday passes and we cant spend together a damn day! It’s as if everything is on his terms... Why not? Sounds like he needs a little pressure. I would tell him look, this relationship is not working for me. I need someone who will treat me as a partner in a relationship, someone who will meet my needs and make me happy. At the moment this is not working for me so if things don't change I will have to reevaluate whether I want to be in this relationship or not. I stick around bc he is a good guy at heart and I like many things about him... Those are great reasons to be friends with someone. Partners on the other hand, needs more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 As a farmer it seems he would be too busy to see you during the day. Farm work is time consuming and hard work. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 As a farmer it seems he would be too busy to see you during the day. Farm work is time consuming and hard work. Especially this time of year... Things will be different in a few months. Unless he has livestock. I would give it a little more time, but if things haven't changed in a few months I would have "the talk." You will need to decide what is acceptable to you and how long you will wait... I have a strong feeling that he has a lot of unresolved issues... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 (edited) When I come home for holidays (his farm is at 5 km from my place) he is not very keen on seeing me. He works all day and then we meet in the dark... we just drive around or have a coffee and chat and it ends with sex (we are both sex starved). -- Where do you end up having sex? Edited September 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author gia37 Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 Thank you all for replies, I can’t talk about him practically with no one. He has no livestock lol. Just is very busy around his land and house plus helping everyone nearby. We have sex in his car and also outside in the nature ?. He called today and we had a little “talk”. He started it counting me all his duties until Friday but then I said that if he has no time for me while I’m here I need to find another bf because I dont want to be alone any more. Then he replied that he neither and said that he hoped that I will quit my job abroad soon and come and live with him. He seems to have many plans for me but he keeps quiet about them. Anyway I got it off my chest. Obviously we both have a lot of baggage and insecurities... ugh... at least we communicated. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 (edited) Really, you only have sex in his car or outside? Why have you not visited his home? Is it possible that is guy is married? Because, the fact that he has no time during the day and he doesn't take you home - sex in his car and outside - is very, very suspicious... It's textbook, really. He can't take you home to have sex in his bed because his wife is there... Go to "the other woman" section of this board and you will see many similar stories... Something about this has my radar up... I would not listen to his words, I would pay attention to his actions. So far, he has shown you that he makes a little time for you when it's convenient for him... He has shown you that the best he can offer is sex in his car... And this talk about quitting your job and moving to another country to live with you is VERY premature, considering that you have known this guy for a few months and you have yet to spend A DAY with this guy. Sure, it is nice to hear... but, the fact that he would suggest that at this stage in your relationship is a HUGE RED FLAG! I would be VERY cautious about this guy... Edited August 28, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 (edited) Thank you all for replies, I can’t talk about him practically with no one. He has no livestock lol. Just is very busy around his land and house plus helping everyone nearby. We have sex in his car and also outside in the nature ��. He called today and we had a little “talk”. He started it counting me all his duties until Friday but then I said that if he has no time for me while I’m here I need to find another bf because I dont want to be alone any more. Then he replied that he neither and said that he hoped that I will quit my job abroad soon and come and live with him. He seems to have many plans for me but he keeps quiet about them. Anyway I got it off my chest. Obviously we both have a lot of baggage and insecurities... ugh... at least we communicated. Gia! You've never been his place/the farm? Red Flag, red light, red everything. I don't care if you like having sex "in nature". He only takes you out for coffee? He never takes you someplace nice in town? You're traveling to see him and he doesn't take you out? A guy who doesn't have you to his house is hiding something and it's likely a wife and/or a girlfriend or a place to live or a farm. He might be homeless for all you know. He seems to have many plans for me but he keeps quiet about them. - Something is really up with this guy. He has "plans" for you but doesn't include you in that discussion! at least we communicated - Communicated?????? You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you leave your country and come here with nothing just because you don't want to be alone. If I were you, I'd run so fast his head would spin. You seem extremely naive and/or young. I can't tell you how badly this "smells" even through the computer. Predator comes to mind. As naive as you sound, you do know something isn't quite right. You've been pretty insightful to call him "avoidant" at least. Think this through. Think really hard. Edited August 28, 2018 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 Absolutely. That's not communication. You told him that you wanted to spend more team wih him or you would find another boyfriend and he gave you some fantasy plan - "I want you to give up your job, move here, and live with me..." What?? This guy hasn't even bought you dinner yet!! You have to know this isn't normal... Men who like women want to spend time with them, they want to take them out, introduce them to friends and family, invite them over to cook dinner and have a romantic night at home. This guy isn't doing any of that and you have to wonder, why... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 This guy isn't doing any of that and you have to wonder, why... My guess is she was perfect for him before, a long-distance FWB that traveled to him - and didn't even require a room or a meal. And I also wonder why some women characterize men's actions as "avoidant" even though the message is loud and clear? gia37, Farmer Backseat has made it known how he sees you and your relationship, even though it hasn't been what you've wanted to hear. Pretending it's otherwise doesn't make it so... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 sorry but he is embarrassed of you, that's why he doesn't want to be seen with you in the daylight. I would advise you to dump him before he dumps you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gia37 Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 Thanks to those who gave reasonable advice. Without knowing all the details these forums just become a general man-bashing. Yes, he lives with his ex, the mother of his kids, but they have no relations. And he is not a predator, but a good father and man in general. This thread is closed. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Thanks to those who gave reasonable advice. Without knowing all the details these forums just become a general man-bashing. Yes, he lives with his ex, the mother of his kids, but they have no relations. And he is not a predator, but a good father and man in general. This thread is closed. Thanks again. Nobody is man bashing here... no need to get defensive. We are simply pointing out a truth, one that you don't seem to be accepting. And, we were right - he lives with his ex but "they have no relations." My friend, who told you that - him? Again, read these forums... That is textbook married man talk when he's trying to get into your pants. You are having sex "in nature" with a married man, who is still very much involved and engaged with his family... continue as you will, good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Thanks to those who gave reasonable advice. Without knowing all the details these forums just become a general man-bashing. Yes, he lives with his ex, the mother of his kids, but they have no relations. And he is not a predator, but a good father and man in general. This thread is closed. Thanks again. Yes, he is a good man in general.....BUT just not to you. I would rather use toys for satisfaction than someone who treat me like this... Zero dignity and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 In what sense has his ex “left” him? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Looking back at your posting history... If this is the same guy, it has been going on for a while... The other thing that jumped out to me - he lied to you about his marital status when you first "hooked up." It seems to me that the person who is avoidant - of the reality of this situation - is you. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 (edited) Thanks to those who gave reasonable advice. Without knowing all the details these forums just become a general man-bashing. Yes, he lives with his ex, the mother of his kids, but they have no relations. And he is not a predator, but a good father and man in general. This thread is closed. Thanks again. but they have no relations. -- Gia, those are the same words that just about every guy says to a "side-girl". Aside from that, even if its true, that doesn't make what he does with you acceptable. We are not bashing men in general, just this one. He is not treating you the way a man who respects women that they are interested in for a relationship. Men with good intentions/better intentions at least, don't drive around at night and have sex with a women who travels to see him in his car. He's treating you like a piece of meat. You don't know anything about this guy -- nothing. He can tell you a lot of things but until you've actually spent some quality time, observed his life in a deeper way, you know nothing. And, you've said you can't talk to friends about this guy. I told you that you can but you know they will say what we are saying here so you're avoiding. Now you've shut down this thread for the same reason. The majority of the responses here are all saying the same thing. You didn't come here for useful advice, you came here hoping to hear people tell you he's a good choice. We can't do that. Not in good conscience at least. You've received some very good advice from some smart, mature, experienced people. You're looking for the one or two people who might encourage you. That is the same thing as going to a bunch of doctors until you get the diagnoses you want, not the right one. Edited August 29, 2018 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 If he lives with his ex how is he planning for you to move there and live with him? Where would you two live? Did you ask him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 It seems to me that the person who is avoidant - of the reality of this situation - is you. Sorry. Well said. gia37, don't shoot us, we're only the messengers. I'm not sure why a little of that righteous anger isn't saved for him, based on how he's treated you... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Maybe it's just me, but given her response and reference to "man bashing" compared to her otherwise very naive "appearance", I can't help but feel that this was someone having us on. The scenario did seem "off" to me while at the same time kinda like "you can't make this "sh*t" up. Nevertheless, I my advice stands and it was offered with concern/tough love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 In what sense has his ex “left” him? Sexually. she doesn't want to have it with the man. that's where OP comes in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gia37 Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 The last poster is right. He had a long dry spell when we met and during their life together he got very little sex from her, she preferred getting it from other men (including a relative of his, under his roof while he was working abroad to sustain her and their children). She is not a bad person, just not into him and in spite of his numerous solicitations to separate and find a solution that suits them both she is still sitting in his house. He respects her as mother of his kids and doesn’t want to literally kick her out, while not respecting her as a partner any more. According to some previous posters such men are horrific predators... anyway, we get along nicely and things are going better ?. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 The last poster is right. He had a long dry spell when we met and during their life together he got very little sex from her, she preferred getting it from other men (including a relative of his, under his roof while he was working abroad to sustain her and their children). She is not a bad person, just not into him and in spite of his numerous solicitations to separate and find a solution that suits them both she is still sitting in his house. He respects her as mother of his kids and doesn’t want to literally kick her out, while not respecting her as a partner any more. According to some previous posters such men are horrific predators... anyway, we get along nicely and things are going better ?. Well then, carry on until the next bump in the road... This whole story is MESSED UP. But, you continue to justify it such that you don't really see a problem or have any reason to make a change. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 He respects her as mother of his kids and doesn’t want to literally kick her out, while not respecting her as a partner any more. How does he indicate he respects you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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