He hasn't said "I love you"

[D19]

Ok i'll try and keep this as short as possible.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 10 months officially, plus a few months for dating.

 

I stupidly (and drunkenly) told him i loved him around the 4 month mark to which he responded with "thank you...i'm not really sure what to say" and then when we sobered up the next day, he told me he was sorry but he wasn't at that stage yet and that he has often thought about saying it but just doesn't feel ready. Fast forward 6 months and im still waiting. This is such a hurtful and painful thing to go through. Im constantly torn between ending it but then thinking "why should i end it? He could say it tomorrow!" but still nothing. He has also told me that he was in a relationship for 6 years where he thought he was in love with her but he wasn't. He knows im being patient and waiting, and waiting and waiting.....

 

Hes paid for and invited me on a trip with his family in a few months (who i have already met) and hes met my family, we've met eachothers friends, work mates, the lot. We're even talking about moving in together at the start of next year. We see eachother almost every day of the week. He calls me all the time, even when he's busy at work, just to check up and see how my day is going. He messages me throughout the day, he always wants to spend time with me and is my little cheerleader in life this past year, and i am his.

 

So my question is what the f**k is going on?? I've already tried to speak to him about this and he said he's almost ready to say those words but not quite, that was 2 months ago! If anyone has any sort of advice on what i should do, please tell me! I don't want to end it with him, but at the end of the day, i would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't love me.

 

Edit: I probably should add that whenever im with him, it feels like hes just about to say it. He takes me out for meals all the time, date nights, cinema tickets everything, tells me im his favourite person in the whole world and that he loves being with me...

Edited August 28, 2018 by D19

[d0nnivain]

Some people can't say it lightly. He may be one of them. If he treats you well & acts like he loves you, see if you can tough it out until he can say the words. If you are too aggravated to be patient any more, you know where the door is.

[Kelliousme]

Wow.. I had the exact same problem with my boyfriend. Around the 3 month mark I felt like I was falling in love with him and I told him exactly that. But he responded the exact same way your bf did. He said thank you but also told me he's not there yet. So I know exactly how you feel. After a while it became almost unbearable to know that I love this man so much yet I cannot tell him or express it because he doesn't love me yet and I don't know when or if he ever will. Mine was also behaving similar to your bf, constantly checking up on me, spends all his time with me, is very sweet to me, and many times it's almost as if he is telling me he loves me or is about to actually say it.

 

So after confronting him and talking to him about it, it turns out he believes that it takes a much longer time to love someone because he needs to know them extremely well. And to him, the time required to do so is about 1 year. Perhaps your bf feels the same way.

 

Now if you don't have the patience to wait and you don't want to waste your time with a man who just MIGHT love you, then I suggest ending things asap. Talk to him about it, let him know it's hurting you, and see what he does. If he truly cares about you he would do something.

[Happy Lemming]

I've been dating my "long term" girlfriend for 6.5 years and we have yet to say "I love you" to one another. Does it diminish our relationship?? Of course not...

 

We care about each other and are there in times of need, (in my opinion) that is the meaning of love. Anyone can spit out some words, its the actions and how you treat each other that speaks much louder than words...

 

Just my two cents...

[anika99]

Ummm, he spent 6yrs with his last girlfriend and thought he loved her but he didn't?

 

I'd say that statement says a lot about him but I'm not sure what exactly. If it were me I would have asked him some questions about that. How do you spend six years with someone and not love that person or even know if you love them? There is something to that. Usually people give away clues about themselves but we overlook them.

 

I was once deeply in love with a boyfriend of 2yrs and wanted to advance our relationship forward towards something more committed. He said he loved me but he clearly liked things just as they were where we maintained our own lives and homes and just got together a couple of times a week. That was fine in the beginning but I was in my late twenties and wanted to find someone to build a life with me, so his aloofness became very painful for me and I ended our relationship.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. When I first started dating him he told me he had dated his ex for almost 6yrs. The whole six years was just dating, no future plans, no talk of marriage or even living together. I let that info go right over my head but in telling me this bit of history he was actually telling me a lot about what I could expect. I was too naive or possibly too blinded by love to see the truth. When your boyfriend told you he spent six years with a woman and still didn't know his feelings he gave you some very useful information

[smackie9]

It's all in the communication, to discuss it and express each other's feelings about it, also expectations need to be addressed. Figure it out together.

 

 

 

I have a different point of view, if they can't say it, then they can go find the door. I'm not one to put up with people's insecurities. To me you look broken, and I haven't got time for that.

[PRW]

I have never said "I love you" to anyone. Not even family members. I grew up with grandparents, and they were alcoholics. I knew my mom fairly well, got to know my dad when he was 16. The only time I heard "I love you" was from my grandmother when she was drunk. So those words create the image in my mind of a drunk woman with beer breath, way too close to my face, with me trying to pull away from her grip. So I may tell you that I love you is 50 different other ways in both words or actions,...but I won't use that phrase. When I try it just seems to stick in my chest and won't come up any higher.

 

 

Now if we are talking about butter pecan ice cream,...yea, I LOVE butter pecan ice cream.

Edited August 28, 2018 by PRW

[carhill]

Wife - You don't love me

Husband - What? I'm home every night and give you my paycheck every week. Of course I love you..

 

Wife - You don't say it

Husband - I show it.

 

Etc, etc.

 

Reading the OP, this is right of the successful man book, give her just enough to keep her in the game. Don't overdo it.

For myself, I'm trying to imagine ten months of sweaty lovemaking and no breathless ILY's. Can't imagine. Oh, well, hope it works out.

Edited August 28, 2018 by carhill
Clean up formatting

[kendahke]

So my question is what the f**k is going on??

 

he wasn't at that stage yet and that he just doesn't feel ready. he said he's almost ready to say those words but not quite

 

For whatever reason, he doesn't feel ready to tell you that he loves you--that's what's going on. You need to find out what needs to happen for him to leap that divide.

 

Hes paid for and invited me on a trip with his family in a few months (who i have already met) and hes met my family, we've met eachothers friends, work mates, the lot. We see eachother almost every day of the week. He calls me all the time, even when he's busy at work, just to check up and see how my day is going. He messages me throughout the day, he always wants to spend time with me and is my little cheerleader in life this past year, and i am his. He takes me out for meals all the time, date nights, cinema tickets everything, tells me im his favourite person in the whole world and that he loves being with me...

 

The way he treats you, though, pretty much says that he cares a lot for you. However, all of that wont' mean a hill of beans if it's not the way you feel loved by your partner.

 

So if hearing the words are far more important to you than the ways he's showing you how he loves you, this is the wrong guy for you no matter how you otherwise get along or may feel about him because resentment is eventually going to spring up right where you've placed your unrealized expectations.

[damni]

Honestly I think it gives him a power thrill knowing he has not said those words and you are waiting for it.

 

You do not stay with someone for 10 months unless there are deep feelings involved. If I was you, I throw the game back in his face and I bet he come running, but it is up to you!

[kendahke]

Honestly I think it gives him a power thrill knowing he has not said those words and you are waiting for it.

 

You do not stay with someone for 10 months unless there are deep feelings involved. If I was you, I throw the game back in his face and I bet he come running, but it is up to you!

 

But this is the game:

Hes paid for and invited me on a trip with his family in a few months (who i have already met)

hes met my family,

we've met eachothers friends, work mates, the lot.

We see eachother almost every day of the week.

He calls me all the time, even when he's busy at work, just to check up and see how my day is going.

He messages me throughout the day, he always wants to spend time with me and is my little cheerleader in life this past year, and i am his.

He takes me out for meals all the time, date nights, cinema tickets everything, tells me im his favourite person in the whole world and that he loves being with me...

 

I would agree with you if he wasn't doing any of the above--there are plenty of women on these boards right now wishing their guy texted them and stayed connected like this guy does.

 

But you are right on one point: you don't stay with someone 10 months unless there are deep feelings involved and clearly, some have developed for both of them, else he wouldn't be arsing himself to this level with OP and she wouldn't be sticking around, meeting family, friends, going on trips, going out to dinner, date night, etc.

 

My two questions to OP are:

1. when you tell him what you need (saying "I love you") and he balks, what are the consequences you are putting in place? Just being mad doesn't cut it.

 

2. Given all you wrote about what he does with/for you, is the lack of him saying "I love you" enough for you to break up with him?

[mortensorchid]

It's hard to say what is and what is not anymore with others. It's not a good sign, in my experience, with someone who has not said it sometime between the 3-6 month marker. Then again, I have suffered from getting with a man who won't make a commitment. Then they rebound and bounce to the next one who is really not a good match to them, but they are in rebound mode and they aren't thinking clearly. It doesn't make up for their mistakes. But I digress …

 

There is something called bio-feedback with people. We think that we are so unique but we are not really. Remember that the first 6-9 months is infatuation and that wears off. Yes, infatuation and lust all fall under the umbrella of love, but once that wears off (which it will) you are stuck with that person and you better like them. Not love, just like them. And in many cases when this happens, one party wakes up and says "Oh s***, I DON'T" and they are not happy.

 

As to your situation, I would not press him into saying something or giving you an answer. If you do they will feel that they are under pressure from you to give them a commitment. Things are good, or sound good based on what you said.

[Timshel]

He is not saying i love you because he does not love you. This is not a game. Assume that he has not said it because he does not feel it. There are people who lie about their feelings in the world and your bf is not one of them.

 

 

That's a good thing, though it hurts.

[basil67]

While you may not want to leave him over this, I would advise you not move in with him.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to say "I've been thinking about us moving in together. If you're not at the stage of loving me, then we're rushing it. I'd rather wait." And stand your ground!

[D19]

Thanks so much for your replies!!

 

I think I’m mostly just saddened and worried that I’m wasting my time on someone who may never love me. I’ve read so many things that say “if he doesn’t love you by 8 months, they he may likely never will” and that is horrible. I love him so much and I just want to tell him all the time but I can’t. No one in the world wants to tell someone they love them only to have a “thank you” back.

 

But the truth is I really do love him, and I would do anything for him. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to spend much more of my life with someone who is either too scared to say those words or who doesn’t feel it.

 

It’s a frustrating situation because as much as I want him to just say the words, I don’t want him to feel pressured into saying them! But if he said them, it would be amazing.

 

I’ve listed all the good things he does but he’s prone to being a bit of an ass too. He ignores me quite me a lot in front of people and still gets messages from his ex in which he refuses to tell her to leave him alone. He’s too nice to her. I completely stay out of that but it’s hurtful.

 

I’ve been hurt a lot by my ex boyfriends and I guess I’m just scared the same thing happens with this one.

[lana-banana]

How old are you two? If you're just out of college, that would be understandable.

 

I think ten months is a kinda long time, if it's a healthy and affectionate relationship. Don't move in together until you've had the talk and agree you're on the same page for the future (whether that's "if this works out, we want to get married" or "we're fine just cohabiting indefinitely" or whatever else).

 

The ex thing is also a little weird. Can't he just ignore her? Does he talk to her often?

[D19]

We are both late twenties. I’ve tried a few different ways ask him why he won’t just ignore her. He’s tried ignoring her and apparently she just calls him. Tbh I think he likes the attention that he’s getting from her and the fact that I’m bothered by it is a boost to his ego.

[Happy Lemming]

He’s tried ignoring her and apparently she just calls him.

 

There is a simple solution if he really doesn't want to deal with the ex anymore... Change your phone number.

 

I had one ex-girlfriend that wouldn't stop calling me, so I changed my phone number... Problem solved!!

[alphamale]

ACTIONS speak LOUDER than WORDS

[D19]

The ex isn’t a big problem tbh. I know he doesn’t want to be with her. Obviously I don’t know that 100% but The way he talks about her just shows he has no feelings. He doesn’t Bitch about her, nor is he nice about her. He’s just “meh” about it all.

 

I think I might suggest a bit of time out. Not a break, it’s just we see each other almost every night after work. Maybe we both need a bit of chill out time.

 

The last thing i want to do is to hurt him or upset him with this but I’m constantly putting his needs before my own, I need to stop doing that all the time.

[Timshel]

Thanks so much for your replies!!

 

I think I’m mostly just saddened and worried that I’m wasting my time on someone who may never love me. I’ve read so many things that say “if he doesn’t love you by 8 months, they he may likely never will” and that is horrible. I love him so much and I just want to tell him all the time but I can’t. No one in the world wants to tell someone they love them only to have a “thank you” back.

 

But the truth is I really do love him, and I would do anything for him. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to spend much more of my life with someone who is either too scared to say those words or who doesn’t feel it.

 

It’s a frustrating situation because as much as I want him to just say the words, I don’t want him to feel pressured into saying them! But if he said them, it would be amazing.

 

I’ve listed all the good things he does but he’s prone to being a bit of an ass too. He ignores me quite me a lot in front of people and still gets messages from his ex in which he refuses to tell her to leave him alone. He’s too nice to her. I completely stay out of that but it’s hurtful.

 

I’ve been hurt a lot by my ex boyfriends and I guess I’m just scared the same thing happens with this one.

 

 

Sweetie, love is not always reciprocated. He is content with you, but what he is to you is not the same to him. This isn't about his ex or what he says to you, this is about you coming to terms with different feelings than your bf.

 

 

It seems you are putting a lot of yourself into this relationship. You can continue down this road and I don't think you will ever get back what you want, love, even if he marries you. He is a settler...a person who has not yet felt love and does not really know what that means. He is at least being honest enough to not say this to you....but at this point, he knows that you are leading yourself on. It's kind of twisted, actually.

 

 

This guy is not the only guy. It's difficult to see that now but trust, wait for a man who is over the moon for you...he will be there if you have patience and live your life without fear.

[Happy Lemming]

I think I might suggest a bit of time out.

 

So you are going to punish him because he hasn't said "I love you"

 

Do this and he will return his ex-girlfriend's call!!

[D19]

It’s not punishing him, it’s taking some time out to myself. And if he’s going to go running back to an ex just because I need some quality time with myself for a bit of self care then I don’t want to be with him.

 

I’m a very confused person. Part of me wants to walk away and wait for someone who loves and adores me, not for someone who is settling for me, but the other part of me is saying I’m being ridiculous and too harsh and so what if he hasn’t told me he loves me as he shows me he does...it just sucks because there’s so many times I’ve went to say “I love you” only to hold back because I can’t take the awkward silence or the “awww thank you”

 

I hear “I like you”, “you’re my favourite”, “I love our cuddles”, “I love spending time with you, it’s my favourite thing in the world” etc etc multiple times a day. It’s maybe just his way of telling me he loves me? Or is it his way of keeping me holding on until something better comes along?

[Versacehottie]

Honestly I think it gives him a power thrill knowing he has not said those words and you are waiting for it.

 

You do not stay with someone for 10 months unless there are deep feelings involved. If I was you, I throw the game back in his face and I bet he come running, but it is up to you!

 

I somewhat agree, though i don't think it's for a power thrill. He probably feels guilt and pressure and doesn't want to be insincere in any way. Now I know you will say that you don't make he feel pressured by saying or doing anything, OP. But it can be pressure he puts on himself from that time months ago when he wasn't able to say it and it IS the truth that you are waiting, waiting which will come out in vibes and non-verbal communication and pressure. Plus you haven't said it either since, so it's kinda like a pregnant pause for both of you. I'd bet he feels pressure, thus reluctant to do it.

 

My friend is married to a guy who basically did the same thing. Feel like he finally said it at about 8-10 months and like your guy he SHOWED it in many ways from the very beginning dates. Some people just aren't build to drop those words in a way they feel is careless. Though honestly, it is a risk that maybe it will never happen or you are putting your effort for a real relationship in the wrong person. It's a hard decision to make. I guess you need to ask yourself what YOUR rush is--that's where I would start. If you are having fun and he is a good guy that otherwise gives you no reason to question your relationship, I'd probably hang in there for more time and i wouldn't use those words as the only measure of what the worth of him in your life is. If you are in a legit hurry to marry, have kids or don't want to miss dating others, yeah you might have to speed up your evaluating process for the cost/risk of being in this particular relationship. Good luck

 

ps i truly believe if you stop "waiting" for it, and start handling your relationship from your end like you don't need those words, you will hear them from him.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Versacehottie

[Saracena]

ps i truly believe if you stop "waiting" for it, and start handling your relationship from your end like you don't need those words, you will hear them from him.

 

This. Absolutely.