Does cheating before marriage not count once you're married?

[Katnj5]

I've been married for almost 2 years, last Christmas I recieved a gift. Knowledge of my husband cheating on me a couple of years ago, before we were married. I told him when he confessed to not leave anything out, because if I found out additional cheating later, it would be non negotiable that our relationship and marriage would be over. Well, what was confessed was that it happened twice. The facts of his timeline didnt add up and I felt like there was more to it. He wouldnt lock down a date, or go into details. Now, I've found out and hes confessed to it happening over a span of a year. He says he has been a good husband and that it was before we married so it should be left in the past. He also told me that since I told the girls bf when I found out the first time, I dont "deserve" to hear any further information, because I might tell other people to get sympathy.

 

Where do I go from here? More in terms of his holding out about the cheating, and lying, but also about the fact it spanned at LEAST a year in our 9 year relationship. I asked was he always mad or were we fighting when he would do it (at this time, all I know is of this one girl, who was SUPPOSED to be a friend of ours)....he refused to answer that so I assume that means no. Which hurts even worse because if we didnt even have to be upset w one another, how could he possibly think that he loved me? How could I think he will love me now? P.s. during the time he says he cheated, I thought that was one of the BEST times in our relationship, I was TRYING and BEHAVING the best I did in the last 9 years! I'm so confused.

[Woggle]

Yes it does. It is still a betrayal of trust.

[d0nnivain]

While it's unconscionable, if it was early on in your dating, & stopped well before you got engaged, I'd be more inclined to try to work through it then if it happened after engagement or during the marriage itself. It's still a huge betrayal & will require a great deal of effort & transparency on his part to repair. He's already on the wrong foot trying to deflect & talking about what you do & don't deserve. What you deserve is a faithful husband but since he already screwed that up, at minimum, he now needs to give you all the disclosures you seek. Be careful though; that is a double edged sword. You don't want too many details or you will end up with pictures in your mind you can't erase.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Age range when H's infidelity occurred?

 

Were you living together at the time of the infidelity?

 

Any children?

 

From reading, it appears you were together seven years, then got married and have been married two years. The infidelity occurred while unmarried but apparently close to when you got married. Further, it appears it spanned a year. Did it occur while you were engaged to be married?

 

Was the woman involved a friend of yours or his first?

 

Until last December, how would you describe your marriage?

[Timshel]

I dont "deserve" to hear any further information, because I might tell other people to get sympathy.

 

P.s. during the time he says he cheated, I thought that was one of the BEST times in our relationship, I was TRYING and BEHAVING the best I did in the last 9 years! I'm so confused.

 

 

You don't deserve the truth is a firm mmkay, no. Married people in a healthy relationship don't speak to each other this way.

 

 

What do you mean by 'trying and behaving' exactly?

 

 

I don't know how you can trust him. Marriage counseling to discuss infidelity, trust and other issues in your relationship would be preemptive to divorce, perhaps.

 

 

A lack of respect is very difficult to overcome.

[BluesPower]

I've been married for almost 2 years, last Christmas I recieved a gift. Knowledge of my husband cheating on me a couple of years ago, before we were married. I told him when he confessed to not leave anything out, because if I found out additional cheating later, it would be non negotiable that our relationship and marriage would be over. Well, what was confessed was that it happened twice. The facts of his timeline didnt add up and I felt like there was more to it. He wouldnt lock down a date, or go into details. Now, I've found out and hes confessed to it happening over a span of a year. He says he has been a good husband and that it was before we married so it should be left in the past. He also told me that since I told the girls bf when I found out the first time, I dont "deserve" to hear any further information, because I might tell other people to get sympathy.

 

Where do I go from here? More in terms of his holding out about the cheating, and lying, but also about the fact it spanned at LEAST a year in our 9 year relationship. I asked was he always mad or were we fighting when he would do it (at this time, all I know is of this one girl, who was SUPPOSED to be a friend of ours)....he refused to answer that so I assume that means no. Which hurts even worse because if we didnt even have to be upset w one another, how could he possibly think that he loved me? How could I think he will love me now? P.s. during the time he says he cheated, I thought that was one of the BEST times in our relationship, I was TRYING and BEHAVING the best I did in the last 9 years! I'm so confused.

 

He is gas lighting you... and he is full of crap.

 

You guys were in a relationship, he cheated, end of story. You are fully within your rights to divorce hear and now.

 

If he continues to lie, then just end it. Or, you could wring the truth out of him with a polygraph.

 

But here is the deal, what he is saying is completely and totally wrong. He does not want to face the consequences, that is all.

 

You need to stand up to him, and tell him to F off.

 

Frankly, I would just file and have him served and see how her acts then. That will tell you some of the story.

 

But you are correct in how you feel.

 

Here is the other thing. For the cheater, he did it years ago. For you, it just happened. So he does not get to have his way on this. He is wrong in every possible way that he can be wrong.

 

You just have to decide what you are going to do about it...

[Mr. Lucky]

He also told me that since I told the girls bf when I found out the first time, I dont "deserve" to hear any further information, because I might tell other people to get sympathy.

 

Were I you, here's the question I'd have for him - "If I don't deserve the knowledge and truth about what happened then, how do I know you think I deserve the truth about what you're doing now?"

 

Katnj5, he sounds like a player, one of those guys perfectly comfortable with a GF or wife - and someone else. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If you are with a man who feels that he is entitled to provide the truth, only when it's convenient for him to do so... Well, how could you ever trust a word that he says?

[anduina]

Since he's continually lied to you, your marriage is premised on false information.

 

You're only two years into your marriage. I'd leave.

[Confused48]

To your point about the cheating being during the best years of your relationship. This is not uncommon with entitled, overbenifited partners.

 

My own WS started the affair in my case, literally one week after we returned from the vacation of a lifetime. We had always had normal ups and downs in our marriage and this vacation was a very intense time for us. We bonded greatly, discussed issues in our marriage and resolved to do better for each other. It was like a renewal of our marriage.

 

One week later the A started. Go figure.

 

I've been married for almost 2 years, last Christmas I recieved a gift. Knowledge of my husband cheating on me a couple of years ago, before we were married. I told him when he confessed

 

I'm unclear about what this means. I think many here assume it means he came to you and confessed and that is how you found out about his cheating.

 

I'm thinking that possibly, you rather found out on your own and then told him to "confess" or admit what he had done and give you details.

 

It makes a huge difference, IMHO, whether he confessed without getting caught. Or confessed after being forced to by circumstances, like someone else was going to tell you. Or worse yet, did not confess but you found out some other way and then confronted him.

 

Please explain.