How do I console a grieving child?

[Drummermom]

My 9 year old son’s father committed suicide last month. Since, my son has lost interest in doing almost everything he used to. He has played the drums for three years and hasn’t touched them since his dad died.

 

The whole thing had been a mess. people in my ex’s family are blaming me Because he spent the day with me the day before he did it. He had come over to take our son to a music camp and then we went back to my place and were together for most of the night. Then he went home and shot himself. So someone in his family started saying I must’ve done something. I know his brother knows we had sex that night.

 

 

My ex use to come over and “jam” with him every week. My ex on bass and our son on drums. When he died, one of the things my son got was his bass. He doesn’t touch it, but I know he opened the case at least once.

 

Mostly he sits on the couch and watches tv, sobbing. He loves drums, he takes lessons, and his teacher has been so sweet about all of this. He’s even come over and just talked to him.

 

I want him to play. I love when he does. His dad wanted him to play and practice all the time. Is there anyway I can motivate him to start? I know not to rush him, but I’m a worried mama...

 

I had him in counseling but that just made him worse. He’d be inconsolable after sessions. He hated going, and would beg to stay home. so I took him out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want him to play. I love when he does. His dad wanted him to play and practice all the time. Is there anyway I can motivate him to start? I know not to rush him, but I’m a worried mama...

 

There's a pace for these things, different for every person. I lost a close family relative at your son's age and it didn't really hit me for several months, probably because it didn't seem real. I was fine - until I wasn't and you son's grief will follow its own path.

 

I had him in counseling but that just made him worse. He’d be inconsolable after sessions. He hated going, and would beg to stay home. so I took him out.

 

You may want to still have him go, might be in his best interest. His counselor may be asking him to confront some tough issues, hence the pushback. Perhaps if you went together it would help his comfort level.

 

Sorry for your loss...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Drummermom]

There's a pace for these things, different for every person. I lost a close family relative at your son's age and it didn't really hit me for several months, probably because it didn't seem real. I was fine - until I wasn't and you son's grief will follow its own path.

 

 

 

You may want to still have him go, might be in his best interest. His counselor may be asking him to confront some tough issues, hence the pushback. Perhaps if you went together it would help his comfort level.

 

Sorry for your loss...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you, I feel dense but I have trouble thinking of things that would be appropriate for a 9 year old boy to confront... he never wanted to tell me what happened at the sessions. He would just sob if I brought them up.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there a reason you're not doing family counseling rather than IC for him? Sounds like you were close to your ex, substantial loss for everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nospam99]

Will he talk to you about what he's feeling? Are there other friends or relatives he's close to who would spend the time with him? Will he say how he'd feel about jamming with someone else?

[Garcon1986]

Just first checking the simple stuff- is it a pediatric specialist you are bringing him to?

[preraph]

It's too soon to try to push him to do anything. I think he's doing with the good instinct that he doesn't want to play now and have this thing he enjoys tainted by sadness by doing it while he's grieving. I did something similar with music before. I think he needs to be in further counseling, though. He shouldn't hate counseling, so maybe it was the wrong counselor. Maybe his teacher can give him an outlet if he wants to talk.

 

He's old enough to understand a little and to fully grieve. It's just going to take a lot of time. Honestly, I'm just glad he didn't shoot himself there at your place. When he will listen, you need to be sure he doesn't think any of this is about him, though. Kids will blame themselves. Let him know that his father had some mental issues he wasn't dealing with through doctors and was unhappy inside himself, with little to do with you or his son. In fact, tell him that he was the one thing he loved best, but that he was just too sick to save. I would tell him the father wasn't dealing with his mental issues through doctors as something for himself to remember if this continues to affect him a lot. Then maybe he'll decide to seek help instead of not when he needs it.

 

Don't push him to play. It shouldn't be an obligation. It should be there as his outlet if he can ever do it without it being tainted with bad memory. Sorry this happened to you. You tell that family criticizing you that last you checked, mental illness wasn't anyone's fault except maybe the person who didn't go to a professional and get it treated. Don't take crap from them. It's ignorant for anyone to say "He committed suicide because of her." He was messed up, no one's fault but maybe his own if he didn't try to fix it.

[Drummermom]

It's too soon to try to push him to do anything. I think he's doing with the good instinct that he doesn't want to play now and have this thing he enjoys tainted by sadness by doing it while he's grieving. I did something similar with music before. I think he needs to be in further counseling, though. He shouldn't hate counseling, so maybe it was the wrong counselor. Maybe his teacher can give him an outlet if he wants to talk.

 

He's old enough to understand a little and to fully grieve. It's just going to take a lot of time. Honestly, I'm just glad he didn't shoot himself there at your place. When he will listen, you need to be sure he doesn't think any of this is about him, though. Kids will blame themselves. Let him know that his father had some mental issues he wasn't dealing with through doctors and was unhappy inside himself, with little to do with you or his son. In fact, tell him that he was the one thing he loved best, but that he was just too sick to save. I would tell him the father wasn't dealing with his mental issues through doctors as something for himself to remember if this continues to affect him a lot. Then maybe he'll decide to seek help instead of not when he needs it.

 

Don't push him to play. It shouldn't be an obligation. It should be there as his outlet if he can ever do it without it being tainted with bad memory. Sorry this happened to you. You tell that family criticizing you that last you checked, mental illness wasn't anyone's fault except maybe the person who didn't go to a professional and get it treated. Don't take crap from them. It's ignorant for anyone to say "He committed suicide because of her." He was messed up, no one's fault but maybe his own if he didn't try to fix it.

Thank you. I don’t think he would’ve done it here. I remember waking up around 3;45 that morning, and he was gone. Nothing I’d worried about. Since we started having our 1 to however many night stands it was normal for one of us to leave in the night. I did it the last time. Then that afternoon his brother was at my door telling me he’d died early that morning. I didn’t tell my son until I picked him up the next day so it didn’t ruin the camp.

 

The suicide note was addressed to me, apparently proclaiming his love for me and that he was sorry for what he’d done to me. His family won’t let me see it. I don’t care about what he has to say to me. I want to see what it says about our son. His parents have stopped me from seeing it.

 

He was here, he said to me as he was laying in my bed “this is where I feel happy.” He never asked to get back together, or stay, or even said he loved me, and I cannot figure out why...

 

The two worst things I’ve ever experienced are telling my son his father died, and watching the woman he left me for express her condolences to our son while I was on the other side of the room. Watching and maybe the only one who was that knew who she was.

[Drummermom]

Just first checking the simple stuff- is it a pediatric specialist you are bringing him to?

 

Not for his grief, although I spoke with his teachers and guidance counselor, and he’ll speak to her about it next week. She was very nice and I feel good about it.

[Drummermom]

Will he talk to you about what he's feeling? Are there other friends or relatives he's close to who would spend the time with him? Will he say how he'd feel about jamming with someone else?

 

He just sobs when I ask him about his feelings and says he misses his daddy... I think he’d like to jam with his uncle, but his uncle won’t come over here because of all this. Because “I should have saved him.”

[nospam99]

He just sobs when I ask him about his feelings and says he misses his daddy... I think he’d like to jam with his uncle, but his uncle won’t come over here because of all this. Because “I should have saved him.”

 

Well, IMHO uncle is being an ******* but no fix for that in the short term. He's painfully grieving, too. Not that it's likely practical, but I'd be willing to 'talk' to the uncle ... because if you're right about your son jamming with his uncle, again IMHO, uncle 'should' be figuring out a way to jam with his nephew. In spite of me feeling strongly enough to want to interject myself, better to have someone already in your circle to be the one talking to the uncle. This is a child who is hurting as much as, arguable more than, any other member of the family. I'd like to see every adult trying to help the child. Just sayin'

 

As I finished writing the above paragraph, it hit me. I hated my father. He said he loved me. And in his twisted mind I bet he believed it. But because of his baggage, his character flaws, rather than acting that way, he psychologically and emotionally abused me. I was in my forties when he died and I have no memories of a kind word or a loving action. However lots of memories of his making my life difficult because 'you have it too easy' (he was a child of the Depression). To try to compensate, I've tried to be a 'good' and loving father to my own three sons. I believe in my heart that I've succeeded. But I don't know if I'd dare risk asking them for confirmation. Anyway, that's why I care so much about father-son bonds and why this situation hits me so hard. Just sayin' again.

[shellybing]

I didn't read all of the responses here, but I would suggest a grief counselor. I have had a lot of luck with counseling with my daughter.

My son has a terminal illness and had a scare last year that made us all think it was his time. His medical team urged me to plan his funeral, and so we did. He pulled through, not without severe regression, but he is still alive.

she takes it hard.

 

The counselor is very helpful about these things and will give you some ideas on what to do.

Some things she has told me are:

 

Keep things as consistent and normal as possible. Make sure they continue to engage in activity and in social activities.

 

Make sure they are part of the closure process as much as they would like to be. I let my daughter be present for some aspects that were appropiate for her to be in, during the funeral planning. And her grandmother also passed away (whom she cared about alot, and it was in another state, so I drove her to a beautiful spot in nature and let her relase a balloon with a letter on it to her grandma)

 

Try to remember the good and not the bad, and talk about them. Talking about the person helps (even if they were not the best person)

 

Make focus on how they feel about it, and if they do not understand what they are feeling, try to help the understand by using "feeling words" like anger, grief, sorrow, sadness, but also use the happy words too, because they need to know it's okay to be happy they were alive, but still be sad they are gone.

 

Those are a few things the counselor has told me that I have had luck with.

 

Sorry for your loss, I hope you guys get relief soon.

My condolences.

[Drummermom]

Well, IMHO uncle is being an ******* but no fix for that in the short term. He's painfully grieving, too. Not that it's likely practical, but I'd be willing to 'talk' to the uncle ... because if you're right about your son jamming with his uncle, again IMHO, uncle 'should' be figuring out a way to jam with his nephew. In spite of me feeling strongly enough to want to interject myself, better to have someone already in your circle to be the one talking to the uncle. This is a child who is hurting as much as, arguable more than, any other member of the family. I'd like to see every adult trying to help the child. Just sayin'

 

As I finished writing the above paragraph, it hit me. I hated my father. He said he loved me. And in his twisted mind I bet he believed it. But because of his baggage, his character flaws, rather than acting that way, he psychologically and emotionally abused me. I was in my forties when he died and I have no memories of a kind word or a loving action. However lots of memories of his making my life difficult because 'you have it too easy' (he was a child of the Depression). To try to compensate, I've tried to be a 'good' and loving father to my own three sons. I believe in my heart that I've succeeded. But I don't know if I'd dare risk asking them for confirmation. Anyway, that's why I care so much about father-son bonds and why this situation hits me so hard. Just sayin' again.

Thank you for the kind offer. I know he’s just struggling with this right now. He and I actually were good friends before this happened. He took my side when my ex, his brother, left me for someone else while I was pregnant. I don’t know if he would want to come play his brother’s bass even if it weren’t like this. I’m not sure. I do know he made sure our son was the one who got it because multiple people asked for it... so I’m grateful for that.

[preraph]

It's good he told you he was happy with you, but you couldn't have saved him. I'm sure he made some bad choices. It sucks his parents are being jerks. I think it's too bad courts will often rule the grandparents have rights. I really don't think they should have any rights. I think they have to deserve it and earn visitation and that a court shouldn't make that call. It would be nice if you never had to see them again, so you might try to make them hire someone to do exchanges if a court rules they have to have visitation. No reason you need to have to see them. They will poison your son's mind and when they do, take that straight to the judge, because judges strongly frown on that -- and meanwhile, don't you talk anything bad about them to him because same goes for you.

 

An old friend of mine had a baby with this guy and then I don't know any details of their relationship, but they didn't stay together and he came over and visited the toddler one day and shot himself right outside her back door while he was there. She wasn't withholding visitation or anything. I knew something was off with him and had only met him once. So just be glad you didn't let him all the way back in because he likely would have done it some time or other. Sorry.

 

I really think you ought to go ahead and see an attorney about these grandparents before they try something like taking him from you or just really mess with your boy's mind. Make a log of anything nasty they say, date and time and what it is and take that to the attorney and ask what you can do.

[Drummermom]

It's good he told you he was happy with you, but you couldn't have saved him. I'm sure he made some bad choices. It sucks his parents are being jerks. I think it's too bad courts will often rule the grandparents have rights. I really don't think they should have any rights. I think they have to deserve it and earn visitation and that a court shouldn't make that call. It would be nice if you never had to see them again, so you might try to make them hire someone to do exchanges if a court rules they have to have visitation. No reason you need to have to see them. They will poison your son's mind and when they do, take that straight to the judge, because judges strongly frown on that -- and meanwhile, don't you talk anything bad about them to him because same goes for you.

 

An old friend of mine had a baby with this guy and then I don't know any details of their relationship, but they didn't stay together and he came over and visited the toddler one day and shot himself right outside her back door while he was there. She wasn't withholding visitation or anything. I knew something was off with him and had only met him once. So just be glad you didn't let him all the way back in because he likely would have done it some time or other. Sorry.

 

I really think you ought to go ahead and see an attorney about these grandparents before they try something like taking him from you or just really mess with your boy's mind. Make a log of anything nasty they say, date and time and what it is and take that to the attorney and ask what you can do.

I wish he hadn’t told me he was happy there. It makes me feel like there was something I missed. While I hope my son’s grandparents keep their comments to themselves, but they’re great people.