Emotionally Draining **Updated**

[preraph]

It's draining for both of you. Neither of you are ready to leave your spouses and saying it's because of your kids, but it's never good for the kids to be living with two people who are in discord. Even if it never gets any worse than coolness and attachment toward each other the kids model off of that and think that's what they need in a spouse.

 

The both of you were saying it's because of the kids you won't leave. I'm sure he's been to the brink of getting a divorce and back again. in a way this is an extreme case of neither one of you wants each other for keeps but you don't want anyone else to have them either not even their own spouse.

 

It's just probably too painful for him.

[Hurtingmuch]

To the OP the push and pull is the norm of an affair. That is why most of them don’t last. Affairs comes out of different reasons, so I am not going to tell you to get a divorced. And it doesn’t seem like that’s what you are asking for. For all I know, you might be some of those people who are having an affair to preserve their marriage. But if this affair, is what you wanted, you have to be honest with him about your feelings and how he makes you feel. You have to be clear on what you want and what you expect from him. You both need to have clear boundaries. But you have to keep in mind that an affair, is not the same as a normal relationship. It might be best to ask yourself on what do you really want from this affair? And start from there.... goodluck. Talk to him about it and if he is not in the same page as you, cut it off. An affair with no good boundaries will never get better over time.

[Thamary Scott]

Dear Fran,

 

 

See link below.

It helps.

 

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-affairs-are-like-being-double-crossed-in-a-heist/

[Fran20]

A lot has happened in the couple months I’ve been quite. I need a place to shed some anger, tears, heartache and more sense beat in to me.

Of course he came back around, we met again, although he said “we’re still on break & just friends” we still said I love you when we left each other, we still talked daily but it was a lot more distance, not a lot of personal/family stuff.

 

We both went to a party, I was with girlfriends, he was with his wife. A lot of drinking happened, she was wasted, he was almost. I was a little but I still remember everything very vividly. They had a huge fight about her wanting to leave & him not being ready to leave. He says, she told him he tried to come find me & said he would catch a ride later. That evolved into a big fight between them. The next day he says she ask him if there was something going on between him & I. And told him what he tried to do by trying to come inside instead of leaving with her. He said that wasn’t true he never tried to do that. Idk, I wasn’t around, I had went to the bathroom. He of course denied anything going on between us and she said well I can tell she definitely wants you. She says she had people tell her I was making eyes with him all night. I really don’t think I was, I wasn’t drunk and I knew his wife was there and I knew I had to keep it under wraps. He completely cut me off, said he had to repair things with her and convince her nothing was going on. Then he proceeds to tell me, oh by the way, one of the ppl to tell her (he said there were 2 or 3 ppl who noticed us eyeing each other) was your best friend who told her I was after him!! My best friend has no idea, I’ve never once mentioned this affair to anyone. And now it has me questioning by best friend or him...who do I trust. Why would my best friend go and tell that to someone she barely knows, instead of confronting me first! Do I ask her if that’s true? I want to know which one is being truthful.

 

A little background on him & my friends....

To make me jealous or to get a reaction out of me he always jokes that my friends (he will chose the most recent friend I’ve been around lately) are messaging him or he has been with them or going to meet them. At first it made me really upset & furious, but then I realized he was doing it to mess with me, and joking. But lately I’ve noticed he’s been more about bad mouthing my friends so I have questioned if he’s trying to turn me against my friends? But I wouldn’t understand the benifit there.

 

Anyway....fast forward a couple weeks and he’s practically ghost cause he’s cutting me off due to proving to his wife he’s loving and devoted (puke). He tells me he’s going out of town for work and what day he’s leaving. This is usually a sign that we will meet. So I tell him to let me know for sure when he’s ready & I’ll be there. I wait for a message to come to him and I never get it. Then he messaged me saying he made it to where were he was going and he couldn’t believe I didn’t show up at our half way point. I was floored. I said you never once responded to my text asking what the plan was. He said no, you always come, I’m not babying you anymore, buck up and show up or you get left. I was furious. I couldn’t believe it. He never once made the suggestion he expected me to just show up! He makes me feel like I’m crazy. Like I second guess my self into what conversations we’ve had...did I really miss a sign that he expected me to come?

 

So he’s been out of town and weve talked a little bit, mostly jokes, hi’s and picking on each other. A little bit of sexting. I saw his wife for the first time a couple days ago and he told me make sure you play it cool, especially if she ask if you’ve got the hots for me. I have to know you can convince her you don’t. I said I’ve got it under control. He said you’ve screwed it up enough already & I’ve already spent 3 days talking her down from wanting to come after you. LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT AT THE PARTY!!! We friendly talk for a few more days, everything is fine, we agree that we have to keep things way under wraps, he deleted me from his social media, we agreed no more public get togethers where friends can see us together, no more drinking together at these get togethers. If we want to continue, we have to lay really low until it blows over with her being suspicious.

Edited November 13, 2018 by Fran20
Spelling

[Orokotikki]

Tell the wife the whole truth and I am pretty sure the two of you can be set free.

 

There are guys out there who wouldn't do this to the woman they married, or even someone they are dating, but you are not likely to ever end up with them the more you continue with this.

 

That is the only constructive statement I can muster, anything else would devolve into me describing people as villains and monsters.

[Fran20]

But I see her & everything is fine, she doesn’t say anything and he is basically all nice because he didn’t get caught & knows he can trust me. Stupid on my part, I know. We friendly talk for a few more days, flirt, sext, everything is fine, we agree that we have to keep things completely friendly, no big feelings to where we get emotional easily and risk getting caught again, he deleted me from his social media, we agreed no more public get togethers where friends can see us together, no more drinking together at these get togethers. If we want to continue, we have to lay really low until it blows over with her being suspicious. We agree. When we were NC for a couple weeks right after she brought it up, it was very hard for both of us. Neither of us lasted 24 hours without some sort of quick contact.

 

Recently, this week, he tells me he’s traveling again & what day he’s traveling on. Like in the past this has always meant, make a plan, meet at our spot. So I tell him, I’ve cleared my day, ive made plans for us, I’ll be there. I can’t wait to see you, I miss you. Sound good? He replies....NO. Nothing else, just NO. And now I haven’t heard from him in 24 hours. WHY did he tell me what day he was traveling then if he didn’t want me to make plans to see each other’? He knew that’s what I would expect! I’m just dumbfounded. I was mad/hurt/angry when he replied that. But now, I’m almost to the point where enough is enough. I know this is not healthy for him to mindf*@k me this way. This is not ok to be treated this way. But I can’t get my mind off of him. I can’t forget all the memories. I have so many triggers through out the day it takes over my day to where I can’t concentrate.

Is this a form of gas lighting and narasstic characteristics? I’ve started reading up in those and a lot of red flags come to mind now.

[Orokotikki]

Gaslighting is what he is doing to his wife, not you.

You just aren't as important to him as you wish you were.

[Starswillshine]

This mad is a grade A jerk. I wouldnt put up with this behavior if I was his only chick, I certainly wouldnt put up to be his side chick. What is this affair serving you?

[Fran20]

This mad is a grade A jerk. I wouldnt put up with this behavior if I was his only chick, I certainly wouldnt put up to be his side chick. What is this affair serving you?

 

I honestly don’t know anymore. Before the ghosting and mind games it was bliss, it was fun, it was good, he was loving and caring and my best friend. Now...he’s mean and hurtful.

[ABernie]

From what you wrote, it seems like he has no interest in ending his M. If that is true, it's up to you if you want to continue being the OW.

[ABernie]

But I can’t get my mind off of him. I can’t forget all the memories. I have so many triggers through out the day it takes over my day to where I can’t concentrate.

 

 

I mentioned this to a coworker when I was feeling pretty unproductive at work b/c of it. She said, "Well, I'm thinking about looking for a recipe for roasted cauliflower soup for dinner."

 

The point is that we all daydream a bit. I now keep a to do list right in front of me when those moments come up.

[anika99]

 

A little background on him & my friends....

To make me jealous or to get a reaction out of me he always jokes that my friends (he will chose the most recent friend I’ve been around lately) are messaging him or he has been with them or going to meet them. At first it made me really upset & furious, but then I realized he was doing it to mess with me, and joking. But lately I’ve noticed he’s been more about bad mouthing my friends so I have questioned if he’s trying to turn me against my friends? But I wouldn’t understand the benifit there.

 

Anyway....fast forward a couple weeks and he’s practically ghost cause he’s cutting me off due to proving to his wife he’s loving and devoted (puke). He tells me he’s going out of town for work and what day he’s leaving. This is usually a sign that we will meet. So I tell him to let me know for sure when he’s ready & I’ll be there. I wait for a message to come to him and I never get it. Then he messaged me saying he made it to where were he was going and he couldn’t believe I didn’t show up at our half way point. I was floored. I said you never once responded to my text asking what the plan was. He said no, you always come, I’m not babying you anymore, buck up and show up or you get left. I was furious. I couldn’t believe it. He never once made the suggestion he expected me to just show up! He makes me feel like I’m crazy. Like I second guess my self into what conversations we’ve had...did I really miss a sign that he expected me to come?

 

Good grief! This guy sounds ten time worse than your husband. The way he talks to you show he has little respect for you and values his marriage higher than he values his affair. This is clearly never going to get better. As long as you stay in this affair this behavior from him is going to continue or even get worse because once you accept disrespect from a man it all goes downhill from there.

 

I hope for your sake that there soon comes a day when you will stop torturing yourself by having an affair with this selfish gaslighting man. It's not good for you and it's not good for your family

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote

[Fran20]

I am so mad at him and mostly at myself. We had basically been separated for a few weeks, barely talking, only a few words a day here & there. Hadn’t seen each other in over a month. He had made me so upset the past couple times after seeing him because he goes ghost so often and gets so short and rude with me, that I had really distanced myself and started accepting it was over and he didn’t have the same feelings as I did.

 

I wasn’t obsessing over checking his social media, checking my phone constantly for notifications from him, they weren’t there and I knew there wasn’t going to be so I was accepting it all finally. I was doing good!! He ask to see me once and I told him no. He got defensive, which really made me mad because he was the one who told me no the last time I ask to see him. He can tell me no, but I can’t tell him no!

 

Well a few days later he says he really wants to see me. I cave and meet him, we have sex. I know, I know, please no judgement, I’ve already done that enough to myself. We make plans to meet again 2 days later. We get together, have sex again, hang out, eat, spend the day together, I help him with some work stuff. We say our I love yous and miss yous and it’s all is warm and fuzzy. Now he won’t talk to me! It’s been 7 days and he will occasionally reply with a “K” when I try to start a conversation.

 

I’ve ask him what’s wrong and What has happened for him to just completely ghost again. He told me he was tired of my ****. WHAT ****?? I hadn’t done anything except wait for him to reply! Then he said stop with the drama. I have no idea what drama has happened. I haven’t started anything. I’ve simply ask him what is wrong and if he was ok and why he suddenly has disappeared again. I ask him if he thought it was ok to have sex with me one day and ignore me for the next 7. His reply was “Idk, I guess”. I know he was just being a smart ass. But it really hurts.

 

What is making me the most mad right now is myself.... I let him do this to me AGAIN!! It’s happening because I’m continuing to let it happen because I want it to be more, I want to believe it will mean more one of these times again like it did in the past.

I told him it was not ok and I wasn’t letting him do this to me anymore. He said “take care”. I told him FU and he replied, “Nice”. I haven’t responded.

Idk what else to say. I’ve told him how mad I am for him ignoring me. He knows I’m upset. I told him it was my fault for letting him do this to me.

 

I’ve said everything but I keep going back to try and talk and get answers but I know it’s not helping. It’s not going to make him. I start checking my phone constantly to see if he’s texted and continue to be disappointed when there’s nothing there. I know can’t make him explain this to me but it’s eating me up inside not knowing how he can go from sex to silence and do this to me. Is he really that big of a manipulator that I was so blind. Everything was so good the other day! He really genuinely acted like he cared and now he’s so cold and it infuriates me!

 

I sorry, I keep coming back on here with the same stories, yea I see the pattern. And you all have given me the NC advice and warned me this is typical MM behavior. I haven’t wanted to believe it’s his behavior. I thought at first he was different but I’m slowly seeing he’s not. A lot of stories I’ve read on here are so similar to my own it’s scary. I have to come here and type it out to make myself see in Black & White just how bad it really is. I have no one to tell this to. I keep it inside, my best friends don’t know, no one does. I can’t express my sadness, pain, anger, frustration to anyone. I have to continue to live my life like nothing has happened and it hasn’t been flipped upside down.

Thanks for being my space to work this out.

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[What_Did_I_Do]

We keep touching that hot stove because THIS time it will be different. No it won't. It will be worse.

 

OP, you were hoping to return to those early days in the A where the feelings were magical and there was so much promise for the future. Please know I'm not beating you up here (sometimes we/I need a good dose of reality LOL) but those days are never coming back. Ever. This man is using you for sex and some ego boost. His cold and harsh replies, ghosting and whatever else of 'leave me alone' actions he is sending over to you is a clear indicator of where he stands in all this.

 

You will never get an explanation from him as to why. The answer to that is here on LS; he is only in this for sex. Read some of overtaxed posts. He spells it out from a man's POV.

 

Did you hit rock bottom yet? Or hear that little voice inside your head asking WTH are you doing Fran? You'll know when you get there. Then you pick up your bruised and battered self esteem and start looking for ways to love yourself. It's a long road but worth it....

[Lewhawk]

Truth of the matter is that you are a booty call, nothing more. Harsh to hear but it’s honest, you rewrite your marriage to justify your actions. Just get a divorce if it’s so terrible, your children are a priority for staying married if all you time is spent lusting after some other guy who only comes around for sex. If you don’t change it this will blow up, and it will be bad.

[misspalmy]

you really need to tell your husband and his wife. its the only way out of this. as its a drug which is hard to stop.

 

I told mm wife the 2nd time. she took the cheater back. i did it for me as i know he will stop seeing it work. i feel better than im not hook on him now. i do miss him but thats the fake him i miss. not even his wife know the real him. shes got a fake man

[closetohome]

Fran, I don’t have a lot of advice, but I want you to know that I completely understand how you feel. The push/pull, hot/cold, ignoring, etc. is completely maddening. I feel totally disgusted with my on/off EA (slight PA in the past) partner for his treatment of me. I’m so angry and disgusted that I can’t even look at him right now. The last major blowout we had was hopefully my final straw. He is my neighbour, directly across the street. It’s hard. It’s painful. I have to see him all the time. I’m hoping that I can change our pattern of behaviour by changing myself. Like you, I am so mad at myself for letting him treat me so poorly. He pretends to care about me, but his actions and words speak volumes to me. I truly think it’s going to take hitting rock bottom. Time to stop feeling humiliated.

[ladydesigner]

Just from the way he spoke to you after being ghosted should be enough. He is not only using you for sex but abusing you and he does sound NPD the way he tries to put some kind of blame on you.

 

Run far from this man. I don't know if you are married or single, but this man is toxic.

 

Go No Contact grieve him whatever you need to do but don't ever look back.

[Fran20]

We’re going through this period now where he refuses to admit he has any feelings or cares about me and what I do. We’ve been together 18 months but the last 6 months have been pretty rough. Summer vacations with our families. A lot of get togethers with my friends & kids. He says I hurt him by going out, drinking and having fun while he’s away at work. My home life isn’t great, he knows I hate being home. So I use every opportunity to stay gone and do other things as much as I can but then he gets upset. And he’s upset if I stay home and play housewife too so I feel like I cant win.

Lately he’ll say he has emotional detatched himself so he doesn’t care anymore so I can’t hurt him anymore. He won’t ever be sweet anymore, doesn’t tell me he misses me or that loves me when I tell him. He used to tell me all the time. Now he says he doesn’t want to have feelings, it hurt him too much plus he doesn’t want to make me think we’re still going to be something we’re not. He now says we can never be together IRL cause we won’t keave our marriages right now. So now he just ignores me when I try to be sweet and effectionate towards him. When I’ll tell him I’m doing something he’ll say he doesn’t care what I do. He’ll ask me if me & my husband have had sex lately. I’ll tell him no, that he’s still been the last one I’ve been with a month ago, then he says it doesn’t matter to him, he doesn’t care one way or the other. I think he does still care deep down or he wouldn’t bring stuff up and he wouldn’t still start conversations with me. But then I think maybe he’s just bored and making sure he keeps in good with me cause he knows I’ll still be here waiting for him with the little bits of attention I allow him to give me when it’s convienent for him. Makes me so mad at myself.

[BaileyB]

I think he does still care deep down or he wouldn’t bring stuff up and he wouldn’t still start conversations with me.

 

He knows I’ll still be here waiting for him with the little bits of attention I allow him to give me when it’s convienent for him.

 

He doesn't care about you Fran. If he did, he wouldn't treat you like he does. He is cruel and manipulative, giving and withdrawing his emotions and his attention... I thought you were beginning to understand this, but maybe not.

 

He continues to do it because you allow it. He does know that you are there waiting for him to give you attention when it's convenient for him... Why are you still doing this, despite all evidence that his man is an absolute jerk!

[What_Did_I_Do]

No Fran, he does not care about you. He only cares about himself. His questions regarding your sex life with H are purely territorial. Men don't like to share their women. Don't confuse that with love and caring because it's not the same thing. Not even close. Apples and oranges.

 

Unfortunately the only way this A will end is if one of your spouses find out. Your MM will dump you so fast your head will spin.

[Bittersweetie]

Fran he does not care about you. And it's unclear why you care about him.

 

It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and face your life. You said your home life isn't great so it would seem to me that you're using this obsession/affair with MM to not face the real issues in your marriage and life. I say this because I've been there. Instead of facing my issues I had an A and it was the worst choice I've ever made.

 

Maybe if this guy shows an ounce of respect or caring I'd say something different, but he doesn't. So you need to decide what kind of person you want to be. What kind of person are you to your H, your kids, your family? What kind of person do you want to be? Maybe focus your energies on moving forward rather than on this guy who cares nothing about you. Good luck.

[Fran20]

He doesn't care about you Fran. If he did, he wouldn't treat you like he does. He is cruel and manipulative, giving and withdrawing his emotions and his attention... I thought you were beginning to understand this, but maybe not.

 

He continues to do it because you allow it. He does know that you are there waiting for him to give you attention when it's convenient for him... Why are you still doing this, despite all evidence that his man is an absolute jerk!

 

I was beginning to see that. But he’s drawn me back in the past month by wanting to see me. But then I just get hurt again afterwards. I’m still allowing it because I love him and I want so badly for him to still want me. It used to be so different and so good. I’m just sad and hurt. I want to believe he isn’t this terrible person and it’s all just an act to cover his feelings for me. But I’m probably just blinded by the fog of remembering when it was so good and he was so sweet.

[BaileyB]

It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and face your life. You said your home life isn't great so it would seem to me that you're using this obsession/affair with MM to not face the real issues in your marriage and life.

 

It is time to put your big girl pants on and face the cold, hard truth. You are not “together” with this man. He is together with his wife, you are together with your husband, and you meet this man occasionally for sex. At this point, you have an inconsistent relationship with him showing you affection when he wants sex. Otherwise, he dismisses you, belittles and hurts you, and generally makes you feel miserable... more miserable than you already feel in your marriage, I’m sure. It’s time to let go of the fantasy.

 

If your home life is bad, you need to deal with that - as a separate issue. As for the affair, it would seem that your “coping strategy” isn’t working for you any more. Fran, you have some decisions to make about your life. I sincerely hope you are able to find a better path for yourself in the coming year.

[Fran20]

Fran he does not care about you. And it's unclear why you care about him.

 

It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and face your life. You said your home life isn't great so it would seem to me that you're using this obsession/affair with MM to not face the real issues in your marriage and life. I say this because I've been there. Instead of facing my issues I had an A and it was the worst choice I've ever made.

 

Maybe if this guy shows an ounce of respect or caring I'd say something different, but he doesn't. So you need to decide what kind of person you want to be. What kind of person are you to your H, your kids, your family? What kind of person do you want to be? Maybe focus your energies on moving forward rather than on this guy who cares nothing about you. Good luck.

 

Thanks. You’re right, idk why I care so much about him. I guess because it was so great in the beginning and he was so wonderful and we shared so much. But it’s to the point now it’s more work and more emotional than anything. I do so good about forgetting the good but then he always draws me back in and I allow it.

I’m an unhappy person to my H, my kids & family. MM used to make me so much more happier. Now it’s so much more anger and sadness than ever.

Thanks for the advice. I need all encouragement I can get to be strong enough to let him go.