Struggling to cope.. spouse had emotional affair

[S2B]

File for divorce yourself.

 

Don't wait for him. Take charge of your future.

 

Don't believe a word he says. This is for you to do for yourself/your future.

 

Get busy. See if you can file electronically online. If not seek input from the help desk at the courthouse.

[d0nnivain]

I can't say when but it does get better. For now look into joining a local divorce support group that is led by a professional. Sharing the pain will help you cope.

 

Best wishes.

[Miss Clavel]

oh and run your ass over to the bank!! today!! check all the balances and withdraw half. open a new account that does not permit him to sign. this is important.

 

ask them if your stbex has applied for a home loan/line of equity.

 

go online and check you are on the deed to your house. call and make sure the mortgage is being paid, how much it is and where to send it.

 

 

 

apply for a new credit card in your name only. keep using the joint card.

 

pay everything out of the joint account.

 

do not cry in front of them at the bank when you see all the great gifts and holidays he took, with her.

 

i had to change bank branches.

[William]

Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic into S&D and returned one post to the member to rectify formatting problems. Please continue the discussion of this relationship issue in this thread. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

If it's one specific lady, he probably didnt cheat, she probably just made him realise for certain what he had always being suspicious of, that he no longer loves u, and wasn't happy staying married.

Emotionally stable, mature men don't just leave a marriage just because of seks.

 

Disagree 100%, very few men will leave a marriage for a woman they haven't slept with. And all of the WS's description of "she understands him better than anyone else and makes him feel special and that he can be himself when he's with her" really just means, in the fog, newness and excitement of the A, the sex is mind-blowing.

 

 

How do I stop caring? or stop obsessing over everything he's said and done. and every little clue that confirmed he lied about everything in our marriage.. I've over talked everyone who lent an ear and I know they're tired of hearing all the stupid [stuff] I go on and on about.. I won't even want to hang out with me anymore. When does the fun divorce stuff happen? It's like no one really cares about what's happening . but i understand everyone has their own [stuff] to deal with. that's why all i ever do is stay inside and binge watch netflix and fall asleep in an empty bed.

 

While by ex husband gets to call /visit my son whenever he wants some nights doesn't call at all, and just send a few checks every month and parades himself around us like hes our lord and savior for still being around and not completely neglecting our son. And now knowing that he's having all the divorced fun sleeping with his lover and being with her whenever he wants (living alone coming and going whenever he pleases) ..when does it get any better for us..?

 

RaspberryBeret, based on history, here's a prediction - he'll be back. Once the newness wears off and all the challenges of an established relationship begin, he'll realize what he's lost. I've seen it happen many times, often just missing his son will be enough.

 

Now whether you'd want him back or should take him back is a different discussion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[knitwit]

You are constantly exposed to your STBXH, this is why you're getting worse and not better.

 

It's like drinking poison every day then wondering why you feel so sick.

Go as low/no contact as possible. Find a new way to drive to work so you're not going past their office. Look for ways to avoid him at child pick-up/drop-off- how old is your son? Can you do pick-ups at school or daycare? There are ways to limit how often you see your wayward H.

 

Realize that every time you see or hear him, it's a "dose". You will start to feel MUCH better once you're de-toxed! As much as possible, set up your life so that you don't have to deal with him.

 

I think you will also feel better if you start to take control. Go the lawyer, file papers, get a schedule in place for custody. Your H shouldn't have the ability to come and go as he pleases with your son. He can have him on custody days and approved special occasions (some flexibility but within some guidelines.) If you get a custody agreement in place, you can work it so that you don't have to be involved. As it is now, it sounds like he feels fine to come over, call you, etc, freely. That needs to end.

 

It sounds impossible but it's not. Look up Parallel Parenting.

 

Hang in there, and start thinking about what your life will look like when you are truly free from your SBTXH!

[Ralph79]

i'm trying my hardest to suck it up and be an adult , even though everyday i could really lie in bed and cry all day and night.. but i get up every morning, get my son going , then head to work and fake a smile and small talk all day then back home and keep the train running for another day. then all over again.

 

I keep hearing that things will get better but when and how? Especially my ex keeps making matters harder and harder. he has always been harsh and cold but since he left me he has said things I never thought he could ever say to me.

 

ie; "i don't love you anymore.. not the way you love me.."

"i'm leaving you not my son"

"you just have to figure it out for yourself,"

and to top it all off with a cherry on top he admits " one thing led to another and we (his EA Partner) are sleeping together"

 

the same person he claimed had no influence with his decision to break up with me. sure .. how convenient you two just randomly found each others privates right after you leave your wife of 8 years.

 

How does one process these things,, I try to not let it get to me, I fake every smile and every conversation with him especially, it takes something out of me every time we have to be around each other and i don't just hit him with a bat. I have to drive by their office twice everyday on my way to work bc the building is right by the freeway I have to take to work. I know how crazy I look trying to see if she's driving home in one of the cars passing by after work.

 

How do I stop caring? or stop obsessing over everything he's said and done. and every little clue that confirmed he lied about everything in our marriage.. I've over talked everyone who lent an ear and I know they're tired of hearing all the stupid [stuff] I go on and on about.. I won't even want to hang out with me anymore. When does the fun divorce stuff happen? It's like no one really cares about what's happening . but i understand everyone has their own [stuff] to deal with. that's why all i ever do is stay inside and binge watch netflix and fall asleep in an empty bed.

 

While by ex husband gets to call /visit my son whenever he wants some nights doesn't call at all, and just send a few checks every month and parades himself around us like hes our lord and savior for still being around and not completely neglecting our son. And now knowing that he's having all the divorced fun sleeping with his lover and being with her whenever he wants (living alone coming and going whenever he pleases) ..when does it get any better for us..?

 

OP,

 

I think you have been way too considerate of everyone's feelings but your own. I know you HAVE to protect your son. He's your priority, but if you don't have your "stuff" together, you won't be of any help to him.

 

You are concerned about dating being legally married, while your husband has been enjoying all the perks of a relationship. You have ample grounds for divorce and for full custody of the kid.

 

I apologize if my opinion is way off base, but that's why we comment, to try and provide the best possible advice based on whatever information we have perceived. I think you have been so busy maintaining appearances and projecting a false image of personal stability that while you are crumbling inside you are overlooking the following very important matters:

 

1. How can you guarantee that your STBXH is truly acting on your son's best behalf. He might not have a dime in the future for him. I don't know if you signed a pre-nup and I don't know who was the breadwinner in your household but the fact remains that the father of your son has placed top priority on being with his new GF than on continuing to work his marriage for the sake of his son. Because things seem to have broken down because of his affair for the most part.

 

2. Who is this woman who might end up being a constant presence in your son's life? . For starters, she is someone who broke up a marriage. I'm pretty sure his Dad wants to prepare him to meet her sooner or later , and who knows what lies he will have to tell him in order for him to accept her. Make sure your STBXH doesn't take advantage of how you handle information with your son. I wouldn't recommend that you flat out tell him the truth about his Father leaving you, but he has proven to be an unreliable , lying cheat. He is definitely not above lying to your son about you and about his GF.

 

I agree with all posters who have suggested that you get the divorce proceedings started. He doesn't have time because he's busy taking care of himself and his GF's needs. It's time you take care of your own needs first.

[vla1120]

I agree with what others have posted. First, protect your financial interests (accounts in your name only), then file for divorce yourself. He is a liar and a cheater. He completely disrespected you, your son, and the family you made together by getting his rocks off with some chick from work. Don't have any sympathy for him. Get mad enough to let the anger drown out the sadness. It's not your loss. It'll be her problem and she'll be in your shoes when he grows bored of her and finds his next OW. Walk away and don't look back. You can co-parent with all the coolness of a business arrangement to do what is in the best interest of your son. He's going to need a strong, independent mom. You've got this.