My boyfriend read my diary without my permission

[Summer324]

We started dating when we were in high school. We were both young and I didn't take the relationship too seriously. I texted other guys. I never met them in person or cheated, but one day my BF found the texts. He was upset, rightful so and I apologized. Eventually we moved on and our relationship got stronger.

 

Fast forward 5 years later...he read my journal last night and found some things that I didn’t want to share... Crushes, fantasies, things about our relationship, etc.. In one of my journal entries, I wrote about a guy I was attracted too and a few sexual thoughts. However, I never had any intention of leaving my current BF.

 

He is accusing me of lying to him and now he’s upset. I have no sympathy for him and I feel like he completely disrespected me and my privacy. Since the beginning of our relationship, I told him to never touch my journal. It is for MY personal thoughts and feelings.

 

I really love and care about him and I have no doubt he feels the same. But I told him he needed to talk to a therapist about his insecurities before I would get back together with him. Do you think thats reasonable?

[Chilli]

lf l read stuff like that in my girls diary even though l shouldn't be reading it, l'd be pissed right off.

And so would you and most women vise verse.

 

Tbh , thinking you might need the therapy to figure out if what you think you feel for him is real or not.

[S2B]

He crossed boundaries that should never be crossed.

 

Have you considered ending it with him?

[Summer324]

He crossed boundaries that should never be crossed.

 

Have you considered ending it with him?

I definitely have..we took a break a few years ago but we got back together. He really is my best friend and I love him deeply. We have had so many wonderful experiences; traveling and trying new things together. Sometimes we can just sit and talk & laugh for hours. I know I've made mistakes but I don't think it's wrong to admire other people from a far...but maybe I'm wrong, I really don't know.

[dranoel]

He's completely in the wrong... That's like getting angry with someone for their thinking. I understand why he is hurt, but he shouldn't go digging into your personal thoughts if he doesn't want to find something hurtful. Everyone has negative thoughts about a partner at some point that they want to unload somewhere. He's just digging for trouble. Point out to him that he's most likely had similar thoughts throughout the relationship, but just didn't express them in a journal that was inappropriately stolen. As long as your actions are loyal, then he has no justification to be angry and he brought this pain upon himself.

[S2B]

How can you trust him now?

 

How can he trust you?

 

What do you have as a foundation for the relationship if trust is not present?

[Veronica73]

I agree completely with dranoel.

 

But what I find more concerning than his insecurities, is his complete disrespect for your privacy and trust. You told him the journal was off limits and he went ahead and violated that.

 

If you stay with him, you might want to consider getting a lockbox for your journal. Otherwise you're probably not going to feel safe writing in it and expressing yourself the way you'd like. Which kind of ruins the point of having a journal in the first place.

 

(Although if he found out you did lie to him... you probably shouldn't have done that.)

[d0nnivain]

He engaged in a major invasion of privacy. Sometimes when we snoop we find evidence of cheating. Here he found evidence of fantasies. To me, you daydreaming or wondering is a far cry from you taking the affirmative step of engaging with the OM. If your BF can't see the difference, you are better off with him out of your life. I think you are right to insist on therapy to deal with his insecurities before attempting reconciliation.

[S2B]

How old are you both?

[Summer324]

How old are you both?

He's 22 and I'm 21

[BluesPower]

We started dating when we were in high school. We were both young and I didn't take the relationship too seriously. I texted other guys. I never met them in person or cheated, but one day my BF found the texts. He was upset, rightful so and I apologized. Eventually we moved on and our relationship got stronger.

 

Fast forward 5 years later...he read my journal last night and found some things that I didn’t want to share... Crushes, fantasies, things about our relationship, etc.. In one of my journal entries, I wrote about a guy I was attracted too and a few sexual thoughts. However, I never had any intention of leaving my current BF.

 

He is accusing me of lying to him and now he’s upset. I have no sympathy for him and I feel like he completely disrespected me and my privacy. Since the beginning of our relationship, I told him to never touch my journal. It is for MY personal thoughts and feelings.

 

I really love and care about him and I have no doubt he feels the same. But I told him he needed to talk to a therapist about his insecurities before I would get back together with him. Do you think thats reasonable?

 

I definitely have..we took a break a few years ago but we got back together. He really is my best friend and I love him deeply. We have had so many wonderful experiences; traveling and trying new things together. Sometimes we can just sit and talk & laugh for hours. I know I've made mistakes but I don't think it's wrong to admire other people from a far...but maybe I'm wrong, I really don't know.

 

He's completely in the wrong... That's like getting angry with someone for their thinking. I understand why he is hurt, but he shouldn't go digging into your personal thoughts if he doesn't want to find something hurtful. Everyone has negative thoughts about a partner at some point that they want to unload somewhere. He's just digging for trouble. Point out to him that he's most likely had similar thoughts throughout the relationship, but just didn't express them in a journal that was inappropriately stolen. As long as your actions are loyal, then he has no justification to be angry and he brought this pain upon himself.

 

Now hold on, this is not quite so cut and dry.

 

1) She was texting other guys, he found out. He got pissed then but he got back with her. That is on HER for that one.

 

2) He read your diary, OK, really bad move on his part. Totally wrong.

 

3) He is pissed because it probably looks like she slept with the guy.

 

OP, I am kind of guessing that we are not getting the whole story. Is that correct?

 

Here is the deal, when you are in a relationship, you don't text other guys. I would have broken up with you right there. End of story.

 

So, when everyone says that he is insecure, well hell yes he is, BECAUSE SHE LIED ABOUT TEXTING OTHER GUYS.

 

So OP here is not a special snowflake here, she has done wrong as well.

 

Tell us, when you guys took a break, what was the booty count on both sides?

 

And, it really sounds like he is still hurting from your betrayal about texting other guys. And, I bet that you just told him to get over it, instead of you actually working to rebuild trust in the relationship. Would that be correct?

 

So look, you want to break up, fine, do it. But do it for the right reasons, because you want to see other people or you are tired of him.

 

And, look, I get that what the did was wrong, but your hands are not clean in this, so lets not act like they are...

[Mr. Lucky]

He's 22 and I'm 21

 

Makes sense because both his actions and reactions seem immature.

 

Ask him if he ever thinks about other women (real or not) when masturbating? BTW, if he says "no", even more reason not to trust him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Summer324]

Now hold on, this is not quite so cut and dry.

 

<snip>.

I get where you're coming from and I fully accept my actions for what I did at the beginning of our relationship. I told him I would understand if he left and I would probably do the same thing, but he wanted to stay. I worked extremely hard to regain his trust and it took us about 4 years to get to a good space in our relationship. He has hurt me and I have hurt him. I don't think I'm innocent at all, but I do think what he did was wrong. Maybe therapy will help, maybe it won't. We are each others first serious relationship and we've both made mistakes. I love him very much and I hope we can work through things, but I think it's best we spend some time apart. Thank you for sharing your opinion and advice, I really appreciate it

Edited August 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[d0nnivain]

Time apart is not usually a good path to "working through things" For that you need to work together. earlier in your relationship when you took the break that was OK because it involved you both growing up. Now you are adults so . . . put in the effort or walk away.

[Summer324]

Time apart is not usually a good path to "working through things" For that you need to work together. earlier in your relationship when you took the break that was OK because it involved you both growing up. Now you are adults so . . . put in the effort or walk away.

Do you think it's worth putting in the effort to fix the relationship? I really love him, but is it possible to repair broken trust?

[d0nnivain]

Of course you can repair broken trust but it takes time, effort & transparency.

 

If you can acknowledge that your past indiscretions played a role in how her perceived what you wrote in your dairy, you two may be able to find a path through this.

[Summer324]

Of course you can repair broken trust but it takes time, effort & transparency.

 

If you can acknowledge that your past indiscretions played a role in how her perceived what you wrote in your dairy, you two may be able to find a path through this.

I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinions and advice. I hope you have a wonderful day!

[central]

Yes, this can be fixed - but should you? It doesn't sound like either of you have much relationship experience, so perhaps you would learn more if you split up, and date others. You will gain a new, different - and perhaps better - perspective by doing so. I also think that an invasion of privacy like this is something unforgivable and certain grounds for ending a relationship - for me it would be, but you may not feel quite so strongly.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really love him, but is it possible to repair broken trust?

 

Isn't that what you asked him to do 4 years ago ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[umarmalkh]

Really if you get committed to someone its better to trust but that does not deny me a right of knowing what you doing behind my back. Therefore its wrong to have such writings in your daily knowing it will hurt you partner because if it was you how would you feel. And lastly if i trust you it does not give a right to wrong me simply because i will not know what you may be doing the better trust in a relationship will be to do things which wont anyone at any time.

[beatcuff]

he read my journal last night and found some things that I didn’t want to share

more to the respondents than the OP. and how is this any different than reading emails/texts/sharing all passwords/access to phones --- so a written journal is now 'off-limits' but those are not??? ESPECIALLY BECAUSE ---

 

In one of my journal entries, I wrote about a guy I was attracted too and a few sexual thoughts.

so if the bf wrote 'i read my gf journal and she has feelings for another guy...' these pages would be overrun with she (OP) is a cheater. can someone please explain the lack of consistency here?

[Guildford]

Am I correct that this was a written journal and not on a computer with a password? Did you tell him you were keeping a journal, show him where its kept and tell him not to look at it? Very few people could resist such a temptation for an extended period of time.

 

Your boyfriend's mistake was to blow up at you thus revealing the fact that he was reading the journal. If he had kept quiet he could have checked the journal periodically to see if you were up to anything.

 

Early on in my marriage, my wife kept a diary with a little lock on it. Our marriage was not going well, she was hardly speaking to me, and I found the key, so yes I read her diary. It didn't say she was having sex with anyone, or had a crush on someone. Her last entry said, "I can't communicate with my husband." I had a strong urge to write in her diary, "If you would write more legibly, we might communicate better," but I resisted the urge and the diary disappeared not long after that.

 

Bottom line, if you want to keep your thoughts secrete from the world, don't write them down.

[Veronica73]

more to the respondents than the OP. and how is this any different than reading emails/texts/sharing all passwords/access to phones --- so a written journal is now 'off-limits' but those are not??? ESPECIALLY BECAUSE ---

 

so if the bf wrote 'i read my gf journal and she has feelings for another guy...' these pages would be overrun with she (OP) is a cheater. can someone please explain the lack of consistency here?

 

A written journal is supposed to be completely private. It has your own personal thoughts that you don’t share with somebody else. Emails and texts neccessarily involve other people. Basically, reading somebody’s journal is like hacking into their brains and reading their thoughts. That’s how it is different. It is a huge invasion of privacy.

 

And I doubt that most people who actually keep journals/diaries would accuse anyone of cheating hearing that a girl wrote that she has feelings for another guy.

[thefooloftheyear]

A written journal is supposed to be completely private. It has your own personal thoughts that you don’t share with somebody else. Emails and texts neccessarily involve other people. Basically, reading somebody’s journal is like hacking into their brains and reading their thoughts. That’s how it is different. It is a huge invasion of privacy.

 

And I doubt that most people who actually keep journals/diaries would accuse anyone of cheating hearing that a girl wrote that she has feelings for another guy.

 

 

It's just plain dumb to write things down and hope that a SO doesn't see it..Same for texts, emails, etc..Then cry foul if they get upset about it...It happens...period...and no one really feels good about it..

 

I think people believe that their SO probably has thoughts for others at times...People are human, that's usually the case..But when it's documented by words, photos, etc...its a different story.

 

Is having a diary more important than potentially destroying a SO's trust or hurting their feelings permanently? That;s the question...Not whether or not he should have respected her private space...Its just unrealistic to think most people would honor that...Practically no one would leave it and not read it...

 

TFY

[Els]

Errr... okay, I'm going to be the devil's advocate, but this is really a tricky one. I do think that if you write your thoughts down somewhere in plain sight, you can't really be too upset about someone reading them. I mean, imagine your boyfriend had this box in the bedroom that he told you was a "secret" and he wouldn't tell you anything else about. How long could you look at it without opening it to see what was inside? A month? A year?

 

Humans are curious. It's human nature to find it very difficult to not peer inside that box or book that is right in front of them. One day they will break down and give in to curiosity. On the other hand, if he had, say, put a keylogger on your computer or a bug in your handbag when you go talk to your therapist, or went through all your things to find your journal that was kept in a private place - then that is certainly an invasion of privacy.

 

However, I do think that he's overreacting. A fantasy is a fantasy. It's not reality and you weren't actually engaging other men. He shouldn't hold that against you.

 

BUT, it seems you do have some issues with infidelity in your past? Again, that skews things.

 

 

I honestly think that cheating (even if it's just sexting) is something that is VERY difficult for Rs to move past. It may not be worth trying to do so for a young relationship that isn't tied down by children.