My boyfriend read my diary without my permission

[FMW]

I agree with those who are pointing out the weaknesses on both sides.

 

Of course it's normal to be attracted to other people and during sex (solo or partnered) to maybe fantasize about them. However, writing much more than a sentence or two about someone else in your journal would be a sign of more than just a normal passing attraction. I would see it as a curiosity that probably indicates you need to get out and date a little more before being able to commit to one person.

 

Think about how you would feel if you read something similar from him about other girls.

 

Yes, he violated your personal space against your explicit request to stay away from your journal. I would definitely not be happy about that. And when we snoop we have to deal with what we find.

 

Apparently he has trust issues with you, and having had the earlier texting incidents that isn't unusual. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and possibly you have inadvertently done or said something that triggered his suspicion. Or maybe he just will never get over it even though he's tried. I agree with others that it isn't really any different from the standard advice here on LS about the cheating partner giving up their right to privacy and it being ok to monitor their phones and texting, installing listening devices, etc.

 

You're both very young and don't have experience with other relationships. Maybe a break wouldn't be such a bad idea so that neither of you feel like you missed out on something else (which may be at the heart of your writing about someone else in your journal). Of course taking a break leaves open the possibility that it will be a permanent break.

 

You've been together more than 5 years, things probably are not going to change much so keep that in mind when deciding to hold on.

 

Just throwing in some different ways to look at it, it's up to you whether it resonates or not.

[Redhead14]

While I don't think it's appropriate for him to have read your diary, I do feel that transparency is important in a relationship. You should be an "open book". From the point at which I become committed to a partner, the diary should be all about the relationship. I wouldn't write anything in my journal that isn't all about that. You can have the thoughts you have, but I wouldn't disrespect my relationship in secret or in real life.

 

 

You can say that he wouldn't be upset if he hadn't read it, but I suspect that even though your secret thoughts are secret, he'd been "feeling" those secrets on some level.

 

 

 

And about 90% of the time, when a person leaves something important around in plain view while expecting the other person to ignore it, it's because they have something they are hiding and deep down want it to be out in the open. You can call it a freudian slip.

[Veronica73]

Wow. I’ve been keeping a diary since sixth grade. It’s a tool of self-improvement, a record of how I change over time, it helps me think about things and make decisions. It helps me become more self-aware. It provides fodder for my art. It also contains a lot of whining and garbage.

 

And to thefooloftheyear, having a private place to work through things actually IS more important to me than having a SO that doesn’t trust me and that I can’t trust to respect my privacy. It is an important part of who I am, and how I work.

 

I’m pretty sure neither one of my two most recent exes ever went through my diaries, sketchbooks, or journals. I mean, who in their right mind would really want to know their SO’s unfiltered, ever-changing thoughts? Maybe a masochist.

 

If you want to know something of your SO, you should just ask. And if you can’t trust them to tell the truth, then that’s your problem.

 

What was it, 4 years ago that she texted some other guys, when their relationship was just starting? And they were teenagers? He doesn’t get to hold that over her head forever and use it as an excuse to read her diary.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Veronica73

[preraph]

I think you handled that just right. I kept a journal for decades. Anyone who read it did so at their own risk. I let off steam in there to keep myself from exploding all over the dude of the moment. So now you need a locking file cabinet, and even then they're not that hard to get into. That's where mine ended up. Or you can put them in Word and just lock them with a password.

[beatcuff]

A written journal is supposed to be completely private. It has your own personal thoughts that you don’t share with somebody else. Emails and texts neccessarily involve other people. Basically, reading somebody’s journal is like hacking into their brains and reading their thoughts. That’s how it is different. It is a huge invasion of privacy.

its no longer 'in their brains' when its 'out there'. it was written to be read, maybe not by certain persons (we can all assume it was to be read only by the writer). so where is that line. i can't have a private conversation with --- my parents, siblings, friend, therapist?

 

And I doubt that most people who actually keep journals/diaries would accuse anyone of cheating hearing that a girl wrote that she has feelings for another guy.

and how do you think cheating starts?!? while she may not be going down that path 'having feelings' is certainly looking at it (that path).

 

understand i have NEVER looked in my wife's purse/pocketbook (over 20 years) even if she says 'oh look in my ...', i hand it to her. and i would never read her written or typed (on computer) journal (she told me, she had one at some point) --- mainly out of fear/expectation something was written that would disrupt my understanding of where my marriage is/was/will be (if it was from 10+ years ago it would be a lot of wasted energy to wind up where we are now, if it was from yesterday: ouch). i don't know her passwords or even what accounts she really has --- if she is going to stray she will find a way: her job makes it way to easy.

 

my comments were pointing out the hypocrisy of certain respondents that have shown a history of 'there should be NO secrets'.

[FMW]

I first started writing in a diary when I was around 7 years old, it was a little yellow flowered diary with a lock, I remember it fondly My current journal (I'm 53 so I now call it by a more mature name ) is a password protected word document on my computer. So I truly get the importance of a diary/journal and can very much relate to the betrayal of someone violating that private realm.

 

But as I noted in my earlier response, spending time writing about an attraction to someone isn't a meaningless, harmless thing. I don't write about things that aren't holding my attention in some way or about which I feel a need to work something through. I don't write about things like seeing a hot guy in passing (although maybe others do). But as Readhead14 noted, my thinking is that OP's BF probably felt something was off and that triggered his suspicions and led to his violating her privacy.

 

So going back to the initial post, I'm not sure his insecurities are that unreasonable and merit demanding him see a therapist over.

[Veronica73]

its no longer 'in their brains' when its 'out there'. it was written to be read, maybe not by certain persons (we can all assume it was to be read only by the writer). so where is that line. i can't have a private conversation with --- my parents, siblings, friend, therapist?

 

and how do you think cheating starts?!? while she may not be going down that path 'having feelings' is certainly looking at it (that path).

 

understand i have NEVER looked in my wife's purse/pocketbook (over 20 years) even if she says 'oh look in my ...', i hand it to her. and i would never read her written or typed (on computer) journal (she told me, she had one at some point) --- mainly out of fear/expectation something was written that would disrupt my understanding of where my marriage is/was/will be (if it was from 10+ years ago it would be a lot of wasted energy to wind up where we are now, if it was from yesterday: ouch). i don't know her passwords or even what accounts she really has --- if she is going to stray she will find a way: her job makes it way to easy.

 

my comments were pointing out the hypocrisy of certain respondents that have shown a history of 'there should be NO secrets'.

 

I guess every couple has to find that line for themselves. When I was married we had access to each other’s phones. But we didn’t go through them or anything. For me, a journal is off limits. And I feel like there is a difference between keeping secrets and expecting some privacy. But I was also very open, honest, and straightforward with my ex-husband and never gave him a reason not to trust me.

 

And I don’t write about hot guys passing or really much about guys in general, but I don’t know, I may have when I was in my early 20’s. It’s just not that important to me now. And I do think about what I write and how people would feel if they read what I wrote when I am dead. But when I’m alive, I expect my privacy in that matter to be respected!