He never says he's sorry and a bunch of other stuff .....

[SunLvr123]

SO ...... my fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years. A long time. We are "engaged", but neither of us want to get married again although I will be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if I *really* don't want to get married again or I just don't want to get married to him. I really have no idea.

 

Over the last 8 years we have had some doozy fights. And the one thing I can't get past is the fact that he NEVER apologizes even if he's in the wrong and he never makes the first attempt to talk. It's always been me that has to reach out to get things moving again. Or he will start acting like everything is fine until it's forgotten and pushed under the rug. When things get bad, he goes into a fight or flight mode and he is very piercing with his words. "I'm all set with this." "We're over." "We're done." You get the gist. And yet, I still am the one that always reaches out.

 

I am not a confrontational person so I this every bit of this is my fault. I don't stand up to him because he instantly goes on the defense. He also tries to deflect. No matter what we are arguing about, he always tries to turn it around on me. He is NEVER (and I mean NEVER) wrong.

 

Monday night we had it out again. He was upset at something, but I had no idea why. I had asked over and over again and was only told that nothing was wrong and finally got a "I don't feel like talking." So I left it alone. We talked about other random stuff and then it all went south. Long story short was he, as usual, tried to turn it all around on me. It's what he does every time we argue.

 

We live together, but he has his own fully furnished house in the next city over. It was purchased as an investment property and is fully furnished because he sold his house in another state that was also fully furnished so all the stuff just got put into this house.

 

I said if you are so annoyed with me and you don't want to talk to me, why don't you go to the other house so you don't have to be near me. I mean, it makes sense. If I'm annoyed with someone and I had the option to be elsewhere, I would absolutely go. I would remove myself from the situation so things don't escalate. So then he says, "Oh believe me, come tomorrow morning, that's exactly where I'm going to go." Um, I don't get it. What are you waiting for. Why wait until morning. And I said exactly that. If I am so annoying to you, maybe you should just go tonight. "If I go tonight, then you'll never see me again." Uhhhh, ok? Once again, his anger rises (he has an issue with his) and he tries to turn it all around on me. I don't really like being threatened. If you want to go, then just go. Why in the world you wait until the morning. You don't have to be all drama king about it with the "you'll never see me again" comment. So he grabbed his backpack, packed a few things and left.

 

Here is the kicker. I can guarantee you that he will NOT be the one to reach out and I'm kind of tired of it. I'm tired of being the one that always has to extend the olive branch even if he's at fault.

 

I'm leaving out a part of the story about why things turned bad. He got caught doing something that he knows I don't like and when he got caught, he immediately got defensive and in my face to try and deflect. That's how it all started.

 

I really need to do some soul searching. Is this really the kind of person that I want to grow old with? Never apologizing is not something that can be unlearned. It's who he is.

 

Today marks day 2 of no talking and I KNOW he's sitting over at his place just waiting for me to call or email.

 

UGH.

[BaileyB]

Well, he sounds like an absolutely lovely man to live with...

 

Am I wrong to assume that you caught him cheating? And, he turned it around on you and now he’s giving you the silent treatment. That’s a really mature way to resolve conflict.

 

Do you hear the sarcasm in my post? Seriously, if you are tired of this, you don’t have to stay. Eight years is a REALLY long time to stay with a partner who refuses to compromise, can’t communicate or resolve conflicts with you.

 

It is said that relationships fail not because people have disagreements, but because of how they resolve those disagreements. Individuals who are not able to resolve a conflict without blaming the other person, belittling them, putting them down, listening, accepting responsibility, and withdrawing are not good partners. These kinds of things are a strong predictor that a relationship will not go the distance...

[SunLvr123]

Hi, it wasnt cheating.

 

I’ve had issues in the past of him drinking. On Sunday afternoon he bought a 12-pack of Truly Spiked Seltzer. The next day I went to get one to look at the carb count and they were no where to be found. When I asked him about it, he mumbles they were in the closet. They weren’t there. I asked a few more times and he pretended not to hear me. So then he made a snarky comment so I asked him again (because I am a PRO at letting things go - and I don’t mean that it a good way). I knew he had to have drank them all and as soon as I called him out, THAT was when he got all defensive and still never admitted to it. Instead he tried to turn the argument around to something totally different. That’s how the whole argument started.

[Mr. Lucky]

So then he made a snarky comment so I asked him again (because I am a PRO at letting things go - and I don’t mean that it a good way).

 

At the very least, you seem poorly matched. Between his passive/aggressive defensiveness and your needy inability to let anything go, there's very little chance for conflict resolution.

 

You two might be the poster children for counseling. Good relationships are all about communication, while you guys are all about pushing your own separate agendas. MC seems like your best chance if matrimony is indeed in your future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm leaving out a part of the story about why things turned bad. He got caught doing something that he knows I don't like and when he got caught, he immediately got defensive and in my face to try and deflect. That's how it all started.

 

What did you catch him doing?

[FMW]

From what you write I say DO NOT reach out. Give yourself some time to be without him, don't reach out because you're afraid of closing a door.

 

Give it at least a week and maybe two and when you feel like reaching out remember all the negatives. Do you want to continue with things the way they are? It doesn't sound like he's likely to change, so unless you're willing to always be the one compromising and reaching out it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

 

It's hard to make decisions like that, but again, don't hold on because of fear of the change of not having him in your life.

[d0nnivain]

You gave it 9 years & your heart is no longer in it. If he can't even own up to finishing the last of the drinks, how can you trust him to be honest about important matters? As much as change is scary, maybe it's time.

 

Sit & think a bit more, maybe over the weekend. if you want to reconcile, reach out & talk to him about all the issues & see how much you are willing to continue to put up with, knowing he'll never change. If you are done, reach out to make arrangements to return stuff & fully separate your households. You can't go NC until you conclude your business together. Practically outweighs matters of the heart initially.

[losangelena]

If you don't want to be the one who always reestablishes connection after a fight, then stop doing it. You're helping perpetuate your own misery here.

[beatcuff]

And the one thing I can't get past is the fact that he NEVER apologizes even if he's in the wrong

this is a really odd but not unusual quirk. i had a gf that was the same. NEVER would. at first it was 'that's odd' then then it was almost a game for me to try to get her to say it. once she said 'well excuse me', 'i accept your apology', she was irritated 'i didn't...' it became a distraction with every incident. never could figure it out.

 

BUT i did teach my children why apologizing was important: it was recognizing the other person had an issue, once you do then the disagreement should move to the how to resolve stage.

 

 

i say all that to say its time to (re)valuate your relationship and whether it is in YOUR BEST INTEREST to stay

[BaileyB]

In other words... He has a problem with alcohol.

 

Look, you know who he is by now. Whether you decide to sign on for eight more years, it is entirely your decision...

[BaileyB]

What did you catch him doing?

 

Excessive drinking. She replied to the other discussion.

[Redhead14]

I'm thinking that this is a symptom of a larger issue in relationship. I think this is a good opportunity to do some "unfettered" evaluation of the entire relationship. By unfettered I mean, sans the drama.

 

He's taking some space. When someone shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is and whether or not they see me as part of the problem or decide that we can work together on the problem. If they take too long, they will find that they do not have a place to land their craft. How long is too long is a judgement call. I wouldn't wait more than a week if he hasn't been reaching out at all during this time. You're allowing him to decide what will happen with YOUR life unilaterally. If he's keeping in contact at least, you should be open to conversations. But with some ground rules.

 

This cycle you're in doesn't get resolved because there are no consequences. He does what he does and knows that you will cave in and things will go back to "normal" soon. This time make a statement. Don't chase him. Show him that you are serious about the "issue" and will stand your ground. The issue here is that he has an immature communication style and he is a "right-fighter" and refuses to compromise and/or accept accountability. He doesn't say he's sorry because he's not sorry. He isn't able to put himself in your shoes.

 

You said earlier that you caught him "drinking excessively". Is this man an alcoholic? If so, that is the root of the problem.

 

While in this holding pattern, I would be busy and focusing on my life as an independent, secure person and looking at what the future would be without a significant other.

[SunLvr123]

Thank you, everyone.

 

I can say with almost 100% certainty that a week will come and go with no contact from him.

 

I supposed as some point I will HAVE to reach out even if it's just to make arrangements for him to move out. Fun stuff.

 

Mr. Lucky had made a comment about my "needy inability to let anything go" which is not accurate because part of my issue is I let almost EVERYTHING go because I don't want to start anything with him. I have let so many things go that I harbor resentment (which is my own fault) because I never say anything.

 

Does he have a drinking problem? I don't know. He will go in spurts where he won't drink for a while and then when he does, he'll do it for a few days. Sometimes he is stumbling and sometimes he is just buzzed. But the drinking always happens in private - rarely out in the open and it's always when he is home alone. It's NEVER because he's out with friends, etc. I will come home from work and he will be buzzed.

[SunLvr123]

Thank you, everyone.

 

It's still fresh so I'm just trying to feel my way through it. Seems strange after having been together for almost 9 years, but we'll see how it goes over the next week or two.

[BaileyB]

Based on your description, it’s probably fair to say that he has a significant problem with alcohol. All the more reason to leave...

 

And, I hear what you are saying about letting everything go to keep harmony in your relationship. That’s not a healthy or happy way to live. You could find so much better in another relationship...

 

Dare I say it, you have let everything go except the one thing that you really need to let go... your fiancé. Good luck.

[preraph]

Stick to your guns. You called his bluff. It needed to be done. If he doesn't care enough to make the slightest effort toward reconciliation and start a new pattern, which most people can't manage, then enjoy your newfound freedom. You don't want to get married anyway, you have your own house. You'll probably mostly miss regular sex. Sex isn't that hard to find. Meanwhile, if you get lonely, go to the animal shelter and get two dogs to keep each other and you company. I mean, how aggravating to go through any more years with someone who can't ever be wrong, who can't ever communicate or apologize, who doesn't seem to give enough of a crap to even work on it.

 

If he does come back, tell him he's not staying but if he wants to go to counseling with you, you'll give it one more shot.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky had made a comment about my "needy inability to let anything go" which is not accurate because part of my issue is I let almost EVERYTHING go because I don't want to start anything with him. I have let so many things go that I harbor resentment (which is my own fault) because I never say anything.

 

I'll point out the obvious and say, if you harbor resentment, you haven't let it go. And sooner or later, that anger will bubble to the surface.

 

SunLvr123, believe or not, there is a skill to learn in fighting in a relationship. Like a good movie or play, a good argument has a beginning, middle and end. One exercise you do in MC is set a timer when you fight - you get 5 minutes to say your piece, your partner gets 5 minutes, you both get a minute to discuss your thoughts on resolution and then you're done. There's none of the sulking you describe on his part or the badgering on yours.

 

Again, relationships are all about communication. In your case, I wouldn't get married with pre-marital counseling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

Thank you, everyone.

 

I can say with almost 100% certainty that a week will come and go with no contact from him.

 

I supposed as some point I will HAVE to reach out even if it's just to make arrangements for him to move out. Fun stuff.

 

Mr. Lucky had made a comment about my "needy inability to let anything go" which is not accurate because part of my issue is I let almost EVERYTHING go because I don't want to start anything with him. I have let so many things go that I harbor resentment (which is my own fault) because I never say anything.

 

Does he have a drinking problem? I don't know. He will go in spurts where he won't drink for a while and then when he does, he'll do it for a few days. Sometimes he is stumbling and sometimes he is just buzzed. But the drinking always happens in private - rarely out in the open and it's always when he is home alone. It's NEVER because he's out with friends, etc. I will come home from work and he will be buzzed.

 

 

He is an alcoholic. None of the issues between you can be resolved until he has sought rehabilitation and has been in recovery without relapse for a long time. He is coping/struggling with something and his coping mechanism is alcohol. Binge drinking in solitude is a huge red flag.