Separation, Speculation and an Affair

[Jennyless]

I am recently separated and it is getting ugly so I’d love some unbiased advice. Backstory: My husband and I were together for 7-8 years prior to getting engaged. We never lived together while dating, in fact we always lived over an hour apart. Against my better judgement, we agreed not to live together prior to getting married to appease his religious parents. I quickly learned after our wedding and moving in that we were not right for each other. It started as early as our honeymoon when he chose to sit in our suite and smoke weed, go on fishing excursions etc. over spending any real time with me to celebrate our new life together. It got worse when I unexpectedly became pregnant very early on in our marriage and he chose to go out or hang out with his friends 3- 5 nights a week over spending any real time with his newly pregnant and very scared and lonely wife. He also cut off all physical contact with me during and long after my pregnancy. No sex, kissing, not even snuggling. After the birth of our beautiful daughter, I was hopeful that we would bond over creating life together and that would help our relationship. I was also certain that becoming a father would mature and change him for the better but he continued on with his selfish ways . I eventually fell completely out of love with him after only 2 years of marriage. At first I tried everything possible to reconnect with him but then I just became indifferent and put all of my focus into my daughter. I even at one point thought he may be having an affair b/c he was so protective of his cell phone and hadn't touched me in so long but I didn't even care. About a year ago we got into a pretty big fight and I told him I was no longer in love with him. He initially acted erratically with consistent fits of anger and emotion which he had no problem exposing our very young daughter to. This continued on for months and then started making changes to try to “win me back”. For instance, he quit smoking weed and drinking, he would never leave the house and was always sucking up to me and frankly suffocated me. It was just completely extreme, unhealthy and seemed very disingenuous. This continued on for almost a year and during that time we tried marriage counseling which was a bust other than learning ways to communicate better but he can’t handle hard truths so communication is pointless. It was a pretty miserable existence for the both of us because no matter how hard I tried to regain feelings that were once there, I was completely checked out and he could tell that his efforts were in vain.

 

About 5 months ago I made the decision to separate from him and 3 months ago I moved out. To keep it as peaceful, seamless and painless as possible, I agreed that reconciliation would remain on the table if the time and space apart could mend our relationship. I also agreed to a list of rules he created which included not seeing other people during our “trial separation”. However, his initial behavior during the separation only pushed me further away. He would constantly berate me, flip out if he saw me not wearing my wedding ring, pick fights in front of our daughter, drive by my new home at all hours to check up on me, show up with no notice or only minutes notice even after several conversations about boundaries, he would also video call me constantly and when I didn’t answer he would assume I was doing something wrong and call me over and over again. He would check my emails, ask what I was doing every night, go through rooms, drawers etc. in my new home when he came to pick up our daughter. Recently things cooled down on his end and the only thing that continued was the drive bys and unannounced visits. Meanwhile, I continued to do everything in my power to maintain our newly found peace including bending over backwards to his visitation requests, paying his mortgage on top of my own very costly rent just to help him out etc.

 

Now here is where you may turn on me, early on in our separation when things weren’t going well and I knew I was completely over it, I decided to explore feelings and spend time with someone else. A coworker (I know) who was someone I once had a platonic friendship with but it quickly became an intense sexual relationship when we realized after a drunken night that we connected on a level that I never knew existed. I developed very real (non-rebound) life changing feelings for this person pretty quickly. I decided to wait a while before telling my husband that I had moved on b/c I new it would be a s**t storm and I just wanted to get through our daughters birthday and some family stuff first. But one morning he decided to show up at my home very early and he ran into the other guy on his way out. He let him be but tore into me! He basically trashed my kitchen by throwing food at coffee at me and everywhere, flipped my mattress, broke a lamp, manhandled me leaving 2 bruises when I tried to block him from taking our daughter while he was so upset and he told our 2 year old all about how big of a whore her mother was. Eventually I threatened to call the cops, so he left, and since then he has pretty much left me alone with the exception of nasty comments, insults and the occasional self-righteous rant when we exchange our daughter. Recently, something he said about turning other women down during our separation prompted me to check his phone records and I found that he had been texting with another woman non-stop from about 3 weeks prior to him finding out about the guy I am seeing to present.

 

So my theory is that he was basically stalking me because he wanted to catch me doing something wrong so he could pursue this new girl guilt-free and I would forever be the bad guy (image is very important to him and his parents opinion of him matters more to him than mine ever did). Of course when I confronted him he denied it and I have no solid proof other than text and call records so I am leaving it be. I just am really bothered by the hypocrisy of the situation. And the fact that none of his friends or family will ever know the full truth and they will judge me and despise me for what I have done to their “poor, sweet innocent son” just sucks. Also, I was willing to walk away with nothing and continue to help him with bills but now I feel that I want to do exactly what is fair. There are 2 assets, the home with some equity and his business that I helped pay off more than half of the 70K loan that was taken out. Should I ask for compensation? Or are my losses just bad Karma for what I did wrong. Am I really the bad guy after everything that has happened just because I followed my heart and wasn’t up front with him after? Would I be an idiot to eventually pursue this new relationship? Am I crazy for thinking it is worth it knowing my husband will never respect us? And most importantly, what is best for my daughter for the short term and long run?

 

I know this was long-winded but I wanted to paint the full picture! Please be brutally honest, nothing you can say would be worse than what I have already been told by my husband and his mother!

Edited August 31, 2018 by Jennyless

[Mr. Lucky]

Please be brutally honest, nothing you can say would be worse than what I have already been told by my husband and his mother!

 

OK, with the general caveat you've granted permission.

 

He's not the only one who's been disingenuous. You've generally deflected, blamed and presented such a one-sided version of events - all of which seem to justify your actions, from not accepting the changes he made to seeing someone else immediately - that I have real trouble believing them. Life is more nuanced than this and you'd do well to consider your own role. He sounds like a real piece of work but you did marry and have a child with him.

 

I developed very real (non-rebound) life changing feelings for this person pretty quickly.

 

That is the very definition, poster-child version of a rebound relationship, down to his convenient coworker status. And while you're so busy judging the impact of your ex's actions on your daughter, think of the confusion sown when mom's new sleep-over BF starts spending the night as soon as dad moves out.

 

Jennyless, I wouldn't want to be in the marriage you describe either. But there are clean, honorable and empowering ways to move forward with your life - and this ain't it.

 

Welcome to LS. I hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

He basically trashed my kitchen by throwing food at coffee at me and everywhere, flipped my mattress, broke a lamp, manhandled me leaving 2 bruises when I tried to block him from taking our daughter while he was so upset and he told our 2 year old all about how big of a whore her mother was. Eventually I threatened to call the cops, so he left

Why on earth would you let him into your house? And why on earth would you only threaten to call the cops after being assaulted? Don't threaten! When you are assaulted and your property is damaged, you should CALL THE COPS immediately and file a police report! I'm not sure how long ago this incident was but if it's not long then you should call the cops today and file a report.

 

I have to say you're both having some serious issues here. You're checking his phone records - what's with that? What gives you the right to do that? You have moved on to a new relationship. His phone records are none of your business.

 

You two just need to divorce, and have nothing more to do with each other.

 

And most importantly, what is best for my daughter for the short term and long run?

Best for your daughter is if you and your husband both stop arguing, fighting, invading each other's privacy and generally start acting like mature adults.

 

You should see a lawyer and file for divorce. And probably best for your daughter is if you file for sole custody since your husband has assaulted you and seems to have some major anger issues. I know anyone would be angry in that situation but it is NOT OK to assault the mother of his child under any circumstances.

[Jennyless]

OK, with the general caveat you've granted permission.

 

He's not the only one who's been disingenuous. You've generally deflected, blamed and presented such a one-sided version of events - all of which seem to justify your actions, from not accepting the changes he made to seeing someone else immediately - that I have real trouble believing them. Life is more nuanced than this and you'd do well to consider your own role. He sounds like a real piece of work but you did marry and have a child with him.

 

 

 

Thank you for being blunt! Believe it or not I actually tried very hard not present a one-sided version of events. There was PLENTY that I left out for that purpose; details of our marriage that would most likely sway members to sympathize with me despite how I miserably I failed as a wife after giving up hope. I did not leave out any of my wrong doings, I only left out some of his. I am very self aware and my own worst critic and trust me when I say I do not consider myself to be blameless in this situation but I also now know what I deserve and am no longer willing to settle for less. It took a decade of being treated poorly, a failed marriage and a child to teach me, but what can I say? I am a slow learner!

Edited August 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Jennyless]

Why on earth would you let him into your house? And why on earth would you only threaten to call the cops after being assaulted? Don't threaten! When you are assaulted and your property is damaged, you should CALL THE COPS immediately and file a police report! I'm not sure how long ago this incident was but if it's not long then you should call the cops today and file a report.

 

I have to say you're both having some serious issues here. You're checking his phone records - what's with that? What gives you the right to do that? You have moved on to a new relationship. His phone records are none of your business.

 

You two just need to divorce, and have nothing more to do with each other.

 

 

Yes, he has serious anger issues but it was my wrong doing that caused this fit of anger and I know he would never harm his daughter or do any real harm to me (though I can't say the same for my property). Not to mention at the time it seemed that involving cops, filing reports etc. would only make things more messy than they had already become. He may never respect me but I did tell him if he ever speaks that way to his daughter about me or exposes her to something like that again, then I would fight for sole custody. He has been on his best behavior since.

 

 

And I agree, it was immature to invade his privacy as two wrongs don't make a right. It was just so tempting at the time. I mean, if someone accidently admits to something, then gets super defensive, angry and verbally abusive when you call them out on it, its hard not to justify an invasion of their privacy to get real answers. I just wanted to know exactly who I was dealing with b/c now after 10 years I feel like he is a complete stranger. But I am sure he thinks the same of me.

[Ralph79]

Jennyless,

 

Focusing on who's to blame for what has happened in the past seems like time poorly wasted. But for the sake of contributing with some answers for your questions on your original post I would say the following:

 

For all the faults you stated about your STBHX, not only was he honest with you, but he cared enough to actually go to counseling and at least tried to change for the sake of your marriage and his daughter. You stated as much.

 

That didn't mean that you HAD to work things out with him. If he wronged you in the past and you made a decision to leave then it's your choice. You don't owe your life to this man, but if he honored your decision to leave him under a mutual agreement, after making an effort to change, I think you owed it to him, to your daughter and to yourself to honor said agreement. You did not. You went drinking with the guy from work you "once had a platonic friendship" with. What did you think was going to happen?.

 

Perhaps in your attempts to let him down easy, you made the mistake of not being straight forward in acknowledging that your marriage was completely over and had ZERO chance of reconciliation. Had you stated as much, you probably could have been working on divorce papers right now and could have avoided the "affair" label on your new relationship.

 

What's important moving forward is:

 

a) You need time for yourself. You can't be on an emotional roller coaster when you have a 2 year old daughter that needs you. Jumping straight into another relationship before you are formally done with your marriage will complicate your life in more ways than you can imagine.

 

b) PegNosePete said it best. You have to reestablish a civil relationship with the father of your daughter because he will be a constant presence in your life. For your daughers sake at least.

 

c) From this point on, you can't be selfish when it comes to relationships. According to what you stated, an 8 year relationship that led to marriage was doomed from the very start of said marriage. Now you found a life changing , non-rebound, "real" relationship , rather quickly. I think you ought to know by now that you shouldn't rush judgement on relationships. You have a 2 year old daughter that drastically changes the dynamic of any future relationships. Think about her and the type of role model your new partners will be to her when you welcome them into your house.

 

Nobody can fault you for ending your marriage. You both tried and it didn't work out. But you have a beautiful daughter as a result of that time spent together and you owe it to her and to yourself to go about its ending respectfully. Weather he does so or not, should have no bearing on how you carry yourself throughout this ordeal.

[vla1120]

You've been given some very good advice, here. I would like to address the concerns of worrying about how he will portray you to family and friends from my own experience. I just left my husband in June. I probably stayed and endured much more than necessary because I was leaving a man with stage IV cancer, and one who is never to blame for anything that goes wrong in his life and is very good at invoking sympathy from people. That's probably why I stayed as long as I did, not just the thought of my own guilt from leaving him, but also the judgment of other people that I knew would only hear his side of the story. Three plus years of weekly therapy later, I finally left that toxic relationship and I do not feel guilty, nor do I care what other people think of me!

 

Long story short, never make decisions in life based on worrying about what someone else may think of you. Make decisions based on what is truly best for your daughter (number one) and you.

 

Finally, (as I believe you are trying to do, here) own up to and take responsibility for your shortcomings, then move forward with a clear conscience as a better person for having done so. Best of luck!

[Mrin]

Hi OP. Looks like you've been through the wringer. You've received some good advice here so I'll keep my comment brief:

 

1. Get a divorce. Now.

2. You're in a rebound. As Lucky said - it is textbook. Doesn't mean it is bad or worthless. You're just rebounding. Recognize that.

3. What in the Hell were you thinking having your new guy spend the night with your two year old daughter in the house??? I'd be livid too if I was the dad. That is BS. And crappy parenting. Reckless. Selfish. Put an end to that now.

 

Ok best of luck!

 

Mrin

[minimariah2]

3. What in the Hell were you thinking having your new guy spend the night with your two year old daughter in the house??? I'd be livid too if I was the dad. That is BS. And crappy parenting. Reckless. Selfish. Put an end to that now.

 

this.

 

obviously - not excusing the husband's violance.

 

you wanting to keep it "painless & peaceful" doesn't really go well together with you introducing another man to your daughter's home & life WITHOUT telling the father.

 

i doubt he was stalking you because he wanted YOU to be the bad guy. it's just that - people rarely leave their marriages without an affair + he could have been tipped off by someone else.

 

i think you should focus on your marriage and child first and slow down with this entire "i found my soulmate" story. obviously, this was an emotional A that was going on for long time and i feel like, now that it's finally turned into a real relationship, you've caught on because you've been so emotionally starved.

 

so! you should divorce first, let your husband know about the new man and only THEN should you introduce him to your daughter's home. like another poster already said - i'd lose my **** too if i saw another person leaving my kid's house and we didn't even divorce yet, all while you're mantaining the "peacefull" and "good girl" image. you're not without flaws here.

 

and i seriously hope that the coworker isn't married himself.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, he has serious anger issues but it was my wrong doing that caused this fit of anger and I know he would never harm his daughter or do any real harm to me

Said every single abuse victim, ever.

 

GET OUT.

 

I just wanted to know exactly who I was dealing with b/c now after 10 years I feel like he is a complete stranger. But I am sure he thinks the same of me.

Who cares what he thinks f you? So now you have found out exactly who you are dealing with. An aggressive, abusive manipulator. Now what are you going to do about it?

[sandylee1]

That behaviour of him in your home was outrageous...but given how he was driving by and checking up on You, you should have known better than having a man stay the night.

 

Getting back to your marriage, he didn't act like a good husband from the beginning.

 

I would only worry about what my own family and friends think. I wouldn't care about his family.

 

Keep pressing ahead with the divorce and if he continues hurling abuse when he picks up your daughter, then stop access and arrange pick up through a third party or a contact centre.

 

Don't allow your daughter to witness his abuse anymore.

 

He treated you like crap and doesn't like the fact that you've found someone else.

 

His attempts were too little too late.