Casual sex and different types of guys?

[pandagirl2018]

I've been thinking about this whole casual sex /FBF thing, and I've realized there are two types of guys that do this:

 

The ones that are sketchy, that tell a girl they're looking for a relationship just because they know she is, just to get in her pants, when in reality they were never looking for anything serious in the first place.

 

And the ones that are honest and transparent, and tell you straight forward they are only looking for sex or a casual thing.

 

Whilst with the first type is usual to have them further lying, cancelling things without warning, and acting flaky and overall just acting sketchy, the second type don't do any of that, because they were honest from the get go and dont want any drama or issues.

 

With my last recent experience I noticed I tend to be attracted to the first type, although I am a honest and transparent person myself.

 

I just feel scared about the honest guys that tell you straight they just want casual. But I guess the first type is the one I should feel scared about because they only bring heartbreak and problems.

 

This is not a thread to judge casual sex or FBF, just a question about these two different kind of guys.

 

Am I right in this? Thank you.

[doyathinkso]

Please please don't sell yourself so cheap sweety.

 

One day, when you finally find the right guy and he finds out about this behaviour in your past, well, he won't be the right guy anymore.

 

He'll be the one that got away.

[PegNosePete]

Why are you "scared" of either?

 

The second type, just say you're not looking for casual and move on.

 

The first type, weed them out by talking to them. As you said, if they lie, cancel or are sketchy then just move on.

 

I don't see the problem here. As soon as you realise the person you're talking to doesn't share your goals, just tell them you're not compatible and move onto the next.

[d0nnivain]

The first kind is commonly described as a Player. They lie to get what they want. That is bad. However if you know he's a player you can still go on the date, lap up all the attention & then just not give your heart away. The NSA sex will probably be mind blowing because in that moment you will have all his practiced attention but once you two get out of bed, everything will fizzle because he will have gotten the next notch on his bedpost.

 

 

The so called "honest" one. . . somebody always ends up catching feelings there which is another set of problems when those feelings are not reciprocated

[carhill]

Men compartmentalize. That's how they can bang their secretary and then kiss their wife. It's the same with casual sex. Guy can be honest about casual sex, engage in it and enjoy it without any consideration for the future or their partner other than for the sex act, and then approach another human in a completely different manner and the casual sex partner doesn't exist during that interaction. The more clearly and effectively a man compartmentalizes, the more seemingly disparate behaviors and actions can be reconciled.

 

It's not personal, just how his brain works. Women do it to, seen it plenty in life but I think men are more genetically engineered and socialized for such brain organization.

 

IMO, stick to the honest ones. They can compartmentalize but are transparent about it. If casual sex isn't your thing, don't do it. I don't. Never will. Not interested. I'm honest about that with women. Those looking for casual affairs or sex move on. It works out. Good luck.

[Shining One]

What about the type of guy who is looking for a serious relationship but is open to casual sex along the way? He can consider a woman as relationship material on date one, but then determine she is only casual material by date four. He's didn't lie, but from the woman's perspective, she may feel deceived.

[carhill]

Default IMO is always the least personally invested. ONS/casual sex 'openness' is default. My exW called it 'sport fcking'. That made sense. Pleasure not personal.

[glows]

I understand you're female, OP.

 

However I think you're misleading yourself if you think that it's just men who do this. I've done both and I'm a woman. I've hurt others and I've also been hurt terribly.

 

Now that I'm married (very happily) and can look back, I can tell you that neither camps are usually happy places. There is usually pain and trauma when individuals don't have enough emotional depth to stay in a committed relationship or initiate one truthfully. I am speaking obviously about monogamous individuals who are not poly, have no history or interest in poly and have no intention of being poly.

 

While you bumble around and enjoy the attentions of different types of people the only thing that matters is how YOU view yourself and whether you venerate yourself. I disagree that multiple partners is a form of self-devaluation. It may only be a journey that no one else but you can explore. I encourage it and do it safely and know your limits. If you don't have a good idea about your limits, you'll find out.

 

Good luck and stay safe.

[pandagirl2018]

Please please don't sell yourself so cheap sweety.

 

One day, when you finally find the right guy and he finds out about this behaviour in your past, well, he won't be the right guy anymore.

 

He'll be the one that got away.

 

I think you should be the one thinking about your limiting belief in how someone who engages in casual sex is "cheap".

 

I said in my original post that this is not a thread to judge casual sex, but to talk about this type of guys.

 

And I am in charge of my life. I do whatever I want when I want, and if a guy comes and judges me for my "past" yes you're right, he's not the right one and I couldn't be happier that he's gone and don't give a s*** about it.

 

The right one will be right, regardless.

Edited August 31, 2018 by pandagirl2018

[pandagirl2018]

I understand you're female, OP.

 

However I think you're misleading yourself if you think that it's just men who do this. I've done both and I'm a woman. I've hurt others and I've also been hurt terribly.

 

Now that I'm married (very happily) and can look back, I can tell you that neither camps are usually happy places. There is usually pain and trauma when individuals don't have enough emotional depth to stay in a committed relationship or initiate one truthfully. I am speaking obviously about monogamous individuals who are not poly, have no history or interest in poly and have no intention of being poly.

 

While you bumble around and enjoy the attentions of different types of people the only thing that matters is how YOU view yourself and whether you venerate yourself. I disagree that multiple partners is a form of self-devaluation. It may only be a journey that no one else but you can explore. I encourage it and do it safely and know your limits. If you don't have a good idea about your limits, you'll find out.

 

Good luck and stay safe.

 

Thank you. I don't see multiple partners as a form of self-devaluation either, although you can have casual sex without multiple partners.

 

I am all up to try different things, different scenarios, different experiences. That's how you grow and get to know yourself.

 

Yes I do want a serious relationship with the right man. Sex when related to love and trust is amazing. But, having said that, I also don't like to be sitting on the sofa getting older, affraid of having experiences just because the right one hasn't come along.

 

I mean, there's no rules. My best friend married her ONS. lol

 

But yes I tend to attract the first type of guys (the sketchy ones), and usually I feel scared when a guy tells me upfront he just wants sex. And I'm trying to understand why, because that makes things so much easier than having a guy that lies and disrespects you like the first type.

[pandagirl2018]

What about the type of guy who is looking for a serious relationship but is open to casual sex along the way? He can consider a woman as relationship material on date one, but then determine she is only casual material by date four. He's didn't lie, but from the woman's perspective, she may feel deceived.

 

I think that's a totally different type of guy than the two types I asked about.

 

Yes of course, a man (or a woman) can go on date one wanting a serious relationship but then realize by date 3, 4, whatever, that they're not compatible for something serious, but can have something casual. I don't think that's deceiving.

 

Deceiving is the guy that NEVER wanted anything serious even on date one, but said he does just to get in her pants.

[pandagirl2018]

Men compartmentalize. That's how they can bang their secretary and then kiss their wife. It's the same with casual sex. Guy can be honest about casual sex, engage in it and enjoy it without any consideration for the future or their partner other than for the sex act, and then approach another human in a completely different manner and the casual sex partner doesn't exist during that interaction. The more clearly and effectively a man compartmentalizes, the more seemingly disparate behaviors and actions can be reconciled.

 

It's not personal, just how his brain works. Women do it to, seen it plenty in life but I think men are more genetically engineered and socialized for such brain organization.

 

IMO, stick to the honest ones. They can compartmentalize but are transparent about it. If casual sex isn't your thing, don't do it. I don't. Never will. Not interested. I'm honest about that with women. Those looking for casual affairs or sex move on. It works out. Good luck.

 

I am a very romantic person, but I do compartimentalize too.

 

I mean, I don't see people as "relationship material" or "casual sex material", because that's just stupid.

 

Everyone is relationship material for the right match.

 

But I do see some men as potential partners because they're compatible with me in body and soul, values, goals, etc, and other men as not potential partners because we are not compatible for something serious, but we might have an amazing sexual chemistry and nothing else.

 

And you know what? Both are FINE!

[Redhead14]

There is only ONE thing you should be focused on -- what YOUR dating goal is PERIOD. Then you observe whether or not your dating partners are dating you "properly" and meeting your early datings needs regardless of what they tell you.

 

There is no need to be "afraid". You know what to look for. Don't settle for anything less.

 

I just feel scared about the honest guys that tell you straight they just want casual. -- I don't understand this statement at all.

[pandagirl2018]

There is only ONE thing you should be focused on -- what YOUR dating goal is PERIOD. Then you observe whether or not your dating partners are dating you "properly" and meeting your early datings needs regardless of what they tell you.

 

There is no need to be "afraid". You know what to look for. Don't settle for anything less.

 

I just feel scared about the honest guys that tell you straight they just want casual. -- I don't understand this statement at all.

 

Yes you're right, it's how they behave and act, not what they say.

 

By that statement "I just feel scared about the honest guys that tell you straight they just want casual", I mean that I'm not used to deal with guys that are so honest about just wanting sex.

 

I do value that honesty and transparency, I'm just not used to it because I usually attract the sketchy guys. Maybe I just don't know how to deal with that other type of guy that is so up front, with no mind games at all.