Should I tell my best friend that her BF tried to cheat on her with me?

[j.ane]

So my best friend and her boyfriend are both people I care about dearly. We've always been super close, all three of us.

 

Despite that, these two always, ALWAYS get into fights. Sometimes really bad ones. They're inseparable but my best friend's quite sensitive and has been through a lot, so the littlest things hurt her. I've always tried to be there for them out of support and concern. But I won't deny, they're relationship's extremely toxic.

 

Recently, they got into another fight and my best friend was being extremely irrational and verbally abusive, and her guy was distraught and needed someone to talk to. So I was there for him the whole day, I just listened to him vent and tried reassuring him.

 

As the day went by, my best friend decided to threaten her boyfriend by trying to contact her ex, who'd been trying to take her out for a long time. That made her boyfriend even more upset and I didn't know what to do. I knew she was just saying that to hurt him and that she wouldn't actually do it but I tried talking her out of it anyway, but she wasn't responding to anybody.

She knew what she was doing. It was all kinds of f*cked up.

 

I try to calm him down and reassure him that she wouldn't do that and eventually he did. Then he suddenly started caressing my neck and my thighs, and said, "you're so attracted to me," matter-of-factly. I was so stunned at that comment because I was more concerned that neither of my friends were gonna shoot themselves that night, that I didn't even know how to respond.

 

He got up, as I still remained seated, and brought himself closer to me. His crotch was so close to my face but not close enough to be invasive. He kept asking me what I wanted (in an indirectly sexual way).

 

After a while of trying to "seduce" me in the weirdest way, he stopped and started going on about other things. Then he tried again. I couldn't handle any more of it, so I sent him home and told him to rest.

 

I don't know what happened after that but both my best friend and her boyfriend ghosted me. They seem happy now from the looks of their social media but I still love my best friend, as messed up of a person she is, and she's giving her all to invest in this relationship. I know her too well and I know she'd give everything up before she broke up with her boyfriend, they're extremely codependent.

 

If I were her, I'd want to know what happened. But it would destroy me and if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be able to trust me. Or him.

 

What should I do? Just let them be? I think about this all the time and I have no idea what to do. I know I made a huge mistake too by not confronting him the moment he tried it with me. I was so stupid.

[j.ane]

I should add that I have a boyfriend.

[d0nnivain]

He made a pass at you in a weak moment after you were kind to him. Under those circumstances I think he was confused, lonely & looking to hurt her for all she put him through. Under normal circumstances if he hadn't been so upset even if always thought you were attractive I suspect he never would have acted on it. Accordingly, I would not mention to her. If he was another kind of sleezy guy, yes I'd say something.

 

Here all you will do is cause more drama.

 

I would counsel both of them that although you care about them both & will support any decision they make, they are better off apart. They are destroying each other together.

 

I would limit the amount of alone time you spend with him.

[Lorenza]

I wouldn't tell. If they're back together, you'll be the guilty one. It's all gonna be your fault and that's a nasty feeling. I've been there. He's gonna convince her that you did it. It takes a very mature and stable woman to hear another woman out and not blindly trust her boyfriend. And your friend doesn't sound like a mature person.

I wouldn't be friends with this kind of people. They seem toxic and selfish. You can't just unload your relationship troubles on a friend like that. I wouldn't tolerate being involved into that kind of childish drama.

I have a couple of friends who fight like crazy and my friend likes to send a lot of ranting messages to me. I give her a few words of advice and the rest I ignore. I'm not someone's emotional punchbag. My friend ends up noticing that I don't answer and calms down on her own.

[BluEyeL]

I wouldn’t tell. You’ll get blamed. I was in a somewhat similar situation, except I wasn’t close to him, just her. She was out of town and he kept hitting on me. It creeped me out . I didn’t tell her and I kept avoiding him and moving 3 steps back when he was around because he was always trying to paw at me even in her presence.

 

She just once asked me why do I not like her BF and I avoid him and I just pretended innocence “who ,me? Nooo “

[Radarsat]

I would agree with the others here who have posted. I wouldn't tell your friend. However, and just out of curiousity, was alcohol involved with him at all? Not making excuses for his terrible behavior, but I'm just curious.

[Redhead14]

{snip}

What should I do? Just let them be? I think about this all the time and I have no idea what to do. I know I made a huge mistake too by not confronting him the moment he tried it with me. I was so stupid.

 

 

I think you should stay out of it, unless, she's had conversations with you lamenting that she feels he is untrustworthy, etc. and has concerns about his faithfulness. Otherwise, I think you should stay out of it. He didn't escalate things.

 

 

 

On top of that you have a jealous/insecure boyfriend that you haven't decided to leave yet. If you open this can of worms and he hears about it, it will validate his concerns regardless of the fact that it didn't escalate.

 

 

 

Even though you feel as though you need to do the right thing, sometimes a person needs to do the "wrong" thing for the right reasons. Raising this issue will cause much bigger problems for a lot of people compared to the significance of the "offense". I'm not saying what he did was OK, but is it really worth tearing everybody up over?

 

I don't know what happened after that but both my best friend and her boyfriend ghosted me.- If he truly just made a "mistake", I might venture a guess that he confessed to her and/or someone else gave her a heads up and they both agreed that it would be best to take you out of the picture.

Edited August 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn’t tell. You’ll get blamed. I was in a somewhat similar situation, except I wasn’t close to him, just her. She was out of town and he kept hitting on me. It creeped me out . I didn’t tell her and I kept avoiding him and moving 3 steps back when he was around because he was always trying to paw at me even in her presence.

 

She just once asked me why do I not like her BF and I avoid him and I just pretended innocence “who ,me? Nooo “

 

Now see, in the above instance I would have told. BluEyeL your friend's BF was a cad. He thought that he could step out on his GF behind her back while she was out of town. In contrast in a state of deep vulnerability, the guy in jane's post responded to a kindness he was being shown; his misinterpreted her sympathy for interest & foolishly made a pass at jane. He wasn't affirmatively setting out to cheat. Then you lied to your friend when she asked why you no longer liked her BF; you should have told her the truth that he was inappropriate while she was away.

[Redhead14]

And, I want to add that I think you are between a rock and hard place in terms of credibility now. The time to have confronted and elevated the issue would have been right then. It may be perceived that you were encouraging him and accepting the behavior. That's likely what he would have told his girlfriend if he told her about it or if someone else did. My point is, if he did tell her or if someone else did, he's already planted the seed of doubt for her. If you dealt with him at the time and then went to her right away, you might have better credibility with her.

[coolheadal]

What are your zodiac signs?

 

You

Her

Him

 

No one here should be fighting so much like they are.

Edited August 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

You need to decide whose friendship means more to you and then act accordingly.

 

I can see where you should have just not offered up your mediation services to either of them for this very reason:

 

It may be perceived that you were encouraging him and accepting the behavior.

 

As was said, could be why they've gone incommunicado===he got his story to her first.

Edited August 31, 2018 by kendahke

[j.ane]

What are your zodiac signs?

 

You

Her

Him

 

No one here should be fighting so much like they are.

 

Hahahha this is such a me question. She's a scorpio sun & scorpio moon and I think that's all the elaboration you need.

[j.ane]

I would agree with the others here who have posted. I wouldn't tell your friend. However, and just out of curiousity, was alcohol involved with him at all? Not making excuses for his terrible behavior, but I'm just curious.

 

No alcohol involved at all. We were at an empty park the whole time. He probably did it to hurt her because of what she'd been planning to do.

[glows]

You're way too close for comfort. Why on earth do you think it's your responsibility to comfort them at all? What they fight about in their relationship and the gory details is entirely between them. Stop enabling a terrible relationship or having anything to do with it. I think you're secretly a pushover because you are indirectly or directly causing more confusion in the matter and hurting yourself and your own romantic relationship. This isn't really a case about your best friend and her inappropriate (victimized, helpless, woe-is-me) boyfriend. It's about your inability to locate healthy boundaries in your friendships and your coddling nature.

 

Extract yourself and do limit your time with them. Under no circumstances is it ever appropriate to invite her boyfriend to your place! That is inappropriate and it's no wonder you're confused. Choose your actions wisely and please exercise more sensibility. Good luck.

[j.ane]

Okay, thanks guys. You're right, there's no way for me to bring it up anyway. It sucks that I ended up losing two friends that day because of their own nonsense. All I was trying to do was to be there for them.

 

She was like a sister to me, and she exited my life just for a co-dependent boy and I suppose I'm not surprised. She used to be the kind of girl who'd scream at her boyfriend for speaking friendly to one of his female friends.

 

I was wondering though.. what if she did try to contact me again, and asked me about what happened. Do I tell her the truth then or just stay silent?

[glows]

Keep your mouth shut and move on with your life. They have enough going on and so do you.

[Redhead14]

Okay, thanks guys. You're right, there's no way for me to bring it up anyway. It sucks that I ended up losing two friends that day because of their own nonsense. All I was trying to do was to be there for them.

 

She was like a sister to me, and she exited my life just for a co-dependent boy and I suppose I'm not surprised. She used to be the kind of girl who'd scream at her boyfriend for speaking friendly to one of his female friends.

 

I was wondering though.. what if she did try to contact me again, and asked me about what happened. Do I tell her the truth then or just stay silent?

 

 

If she comes to you, you tell her the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.

[j.ane]

You're way too close for comfort. Why on earth do you think it's your responsibility to comfort them at all? What they fight about in their relationship and the gory details is entirely between them. Stop enabling a terrible relationship or having anything to do with it. I think you're secretly a pushover because you are indirectly or directly causing more confusion in the matter and hurting yourself and your own romantic relationship. This isn't really a case about your best friend and her inappropriate (victimized, helpless, woe-is-me) boyfriend. It's about your inability to locate healthy boundaries in your friendships and your coddling nature.

 

Extract yourself and do limit your time with them. Under no circumstances is it ever appropriate to invite her boyfriend to your place! That is inappropriate and it's no wonder you're confused. Choose your actions wisely and please exercise more sensibility. Good luck.

 

I really am a pushover. They always brought me into their mess, it was almost like my existence in their lives was to be their therapist. If she wasn't talking to me about her relationship issues, she hardly spoke to me at all. But I genuinely did care about them.

 

I never really thought of that when I was in the thick of it. Thinking back, I'd be so paranoid if someone did that to my boyfriend. I really thought I was just being there for them sigh.

[j.ane]

Keep your mouth shut and move on with your life. They have enough going on and so do you.

 

damn sis ok lmao

[j.ane]

I gotta add, I just remembered something

 

She was once venting to me about how her boyfriend is "too friendly" with girls who give him attention.

 

She then said, "he'd be desperate enough to sleep with a black girl too, if she was nice to him,". I'm black, so she was obviously referring to me.

 

I should have just cut her a$s off then and there... what was I thinking..

[glows]

It's fine. I lost a sister-like friend for other reasons and feel your pain. We only just began rekindling a close friendship after 2 years of falling out. I had to disagree with some of her choices. You've got to stay strong and true to yourself and most of all be kind and loving to yourself, your relationships. In the end it's you that matters and I hope you find some peace, a little less chaos, as this passes.

[j.ane]

If she comes to you, you tell her the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

I have a strong feeling she might return just to talk to me about it, she's not one to let something go without clarification. I guess if it does come to that, I'll tell her the truth and however she takes it won't be my concern.

 

One more thing, since you mentioned my boyfriend in your previous comment - he is aware of this. I told him everything that happened and he showed no reaction, except silently mumbled "I knew it". Maybe his insecurities did stem from this.

 

Sometimes I feel like talking to him about it until he feels reassured, and other times I feel like just leaving it in the past and moving on. I don't even know what the right action is.

 

I did such a stupid thing and ruined my relationships with so many people.

[d0nnivain]

I was wondering though.. what if she did try to contact me again, and asked me about what happened. Do I tell her the truth then or just stay silent?

 

If she comes to you & asks, tell her the truth. I am a big believer that you aren't required to volunteer info but if someday asks you a direct Q, you are required to answer truthfully

 

She was once venting to me about how her boyfriend is "too friendly" with girls who give him attention.

 

She then said, "he'd be desperate enough to sleep with a black girl too, if she was nice to him,". I'm black, so she was obviously referring to me.

 

I should have just cut her a$s off then and there... what was I thinking..

 

You were thinking with your heart but if he has a pattern of doing this & she's a racist, well perhaps cutting her out of your life it not a bad thing.

[BluEyeL]

Now see, in the above instance I would have told. BluEyeL your friend's BF was a cad. He thought that he could step out on his GF behind her back while she was out of town. In contrast in a state of deep vulnerability, the guy in jane's post responded to a kindness he was being shown; his misinterpreted her sympathy for interest & foolishly made a pass at jane. He wasn't affirmatively setting out to cheat. Then you lied to your friend when she asked why you no longer liked her BF; you should have told her the truth that he was inappropriate while she was away.

 

 

I know. I was selfish. I would still not tell. She wouldn't have believed me and I don't think that after being stalked by her BF I should have to deal with abuse from her too, the drama, his denials, her thinking I'm jealous etc.. And having to see her at work every day (we worked together). But I know that was the selfish thing to do. I'd just do it again because sometimes I choose to protect myself first.

 

 

They ended up moving away and we haven't really kept in touch. I know they are married now, have two kids, it's been 19 years since the event in question.

Edited August 31, 2018 by BluEyeL

[d0nnivain]

I know. I was selfish. I would still not tell. She wouldn't have believed me and I don't think that after being stalked by her BF I should have to deal with abuse from her too, the drama, his denials, her thinking I'm jealous etc.. But I know that was the selfish thing to do. I'd just do it again because sometimes I choose to protect myself first.

 

 

I wasn't questioning or worse attacking you for the decision you made. You weren't selfish at all. You did what was right for you in that situation. I used your example to draw the contrast between what I thought were the differences between the two situations: a full on cheater vs a vulnerable guy. Based on j.ane's latest post though it seems the BF in this story always hits on women who are kind to him. So he may just be rotten in a different way.