Angle of Approach?

[BobInCali]

Hello everyone. Lurker, finally posting.

 

Back Story:

My wife and I are relatively young (F:30, M:37) and we have 2 small children, one 2.5 and the other 4.5, been married 9 years, together for 11.

 

We both have good busy jobs, are comfortable financially, nice home, all the good stuff. No one is drinking, gambling, cheating, abusing...ect. All the things that normally derail the love train typically aren't happening, or this would be an easy fix.

 

The issue: Her astounding lack of desire for me.

 

We have plenty of sex, but I liken it to "fast food" and say that you cannot live on a diet of 5 minute meals. Our sex life is an odd duck, to say the least.

She orgasms, enjoys it, and insists that "once we are going, I am into it".

 

Trouble is that I am the only one that seems to want it before we are doing it. I don't get much attention from her in any way really, not much physical attention, conversation, or anything really. I get that we are busy, but I can't help but feel not wanted physically when these things happen. Last night I brought up the issue of her lack of desire and she said (maybe because she SUCKS at communicating) wasn't attracted to me and didn't have desires for me, then suggested that for my ego/self esteem I should maybe chat with some women on Tinder.. (awww, come on woman...)

 

I told her that I did not see how talking to other women, or getting intimate with someone other than my wife was somehow going to make me feel closer to me wife, which is my ultimate goal here. It's not the sex, it's being WANTED that I would like. She has real problems demonstrating this. I text her, she never responds or it's something like "K".

 

I went 5+ years with no oral from her. At one point I even said she sucked more dudes off in High School than she has her husband, should have seen the face on that one... I cannot go down on her, it's too "ticklish" (used to though, oddly. We saw a therapist but she stonewalls, shuts down and just says "I dunno". If we try and talk about it at home she disengages, tries to just pretend nothing is happening. She was emotionally, sexually, and physically abused as a child, and I completely respect what that can do to someone, but she just seems unwilling to find help to get her through this, which makes me feel like I'm not important enough for her to work through this. I get free counselling, however she always finds an excuse to not go. (kids need picking up, it's across town, traffic, tired....)

 

It wasn't always this way, but over time this is where we have ended up. It's not a traditionally sexless marriage but it's becoming one that critically lacks desire, and without that sex is just an act. I am looking for that connection, one that makes her want me.

 

I look after the kids all the time (like ALL THE TIME), and do many tasks in addition to my regular job to facilitate our domestic life, in the hopes they will finally give her the break she needs to be refreshed or not stressed enough, but it doesn't change things, I just feel taken advantage of, really.

 

She doesn't say sorry, never thanks me. I just say it's as though she "Never thinks of me" as the best "lay mans term" for what the issue feels like.

 

Anyone know of any resources I can be directed towards? I don't feel like the situation is typical from what I read, but many elements are present in it.

 

Advice?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't feel like the situation is typical from what I read, but many elements are present in it.

 

Au contraire, my friend, you've described many marriages with small children, jobs and busy lives. Tom Papa, the comedian, does a whole act on how this stage of our live is like "being part of this awful, non-profit corporation", other priorities take over.

 

My guess is, courtship and limerence aside, your wife's background meant she was always going to be like this - and resist any self-examination or analysis. Some would say, given her willingness to participate when you initiate, she's overcome much because she loves you. For a long time, I went through a similar "wouldn't approach but was receptive if I did" period in my marriage, and simply decided to see it as a glass half full. If I initiated, sex was good. If I didn't, sex was non-existent. I chose good sex .

 

You'll get lot's of advice about date nights, romancing her and making her feel wanted - all true, all good stuff. But you may simply have to come to a greater degree of acceptance - I understand what you want but don't think you'll get it.

 

So is what you have otherwise enough? That seems to be the question.

 

Welcome to LS...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I went 5+ years with no oral from her. At one point I even said she sucked more dudes off in High School than she has her husband, should have seen the face on that one...

 

Forgot to add, while I can't tell you which strategies will work, I'm pretty sure this one won't. Perhaps some of the female members can give you some insight...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Forgot to add, while I can't tell you which strategies will work, I'm pretty sure this one won't. Perhaps some of the female members can give you some insight...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, this won't work... Nobody likes to feel pressured or be guilted into doing anything...

 

You may catch more flies with honey... Perhaps, give and though shalt receive? Or, let her know how much you enjoy it and how good you think her skills are... Perhaps, she will be more encouraged to do something that she knows is really appreciated?

[BaileyB]

Au contraire, my friend, you've described many marriages with small children, jobs and busy lives. Tom Papa, the comedian, does a whole act on how this stage of our live is like "being part of this awful, non-profit corporation", other priorities take over.

 

My guess is, courtship and limerence aside, your wife's background meant she was always going to be like this - and resist any self-examination or analysis. Some would say, given her willingness to participate when you initiate, she's overcome much because she loves you.

 

You may simply have to come to a greater degree of acceptance - I understand what you want but don't think you'll get it.

 

I think this is very wise, sound advice.

 

Given her past history, I too think the fact that she will be intimate with you and that you have a healthy sex life is quite an accomplishment.

 

Don't underestimate the exhaustion felt by the mother of two small children. As per the usual advice, if you want to help her to get in the mood... lighten the load with the kids and around the house, give her some time to herself, let her sleep in or go out with a friend, hire a babysitter and make plans for the night. It may not encourage her to initiate, but it will certainly help her to find the space in her life to be relax which may actually help with her feelings of attraction and desire...

[BobInCali]

Don't underestimate the exhaustion felt by the mother of two small children. As per the usual advice, if you want to help her to get in the mood... lighten the load with the kids and around the house, give her some time to herself, let her sleep in or go out with a friend, hire a babysitter and make plans for the night. It may not encourage her to initiate, but it will certainly help her to find the space in her life to be relax which may actually help with her feelings of attraction and desire...

 

The Oral on guys in highschool was a but more tongue in cheek than that, I don't do cruel things considering it's not necessary, but the comment did turn a light on in the dashboard. She was better, but it's fallen off again in the past 6 or so months.

 

Been doing all the low hanging fruit stuff. She sleeps in on weekends, I do lots to let her relax. Make teas, run baths, buy lingerie, stay fit, cook dinners, put kids to bed... the list does indeed run on.

 

We are going to have a good chat tonight once the day has settled down, I'm going to try and get some time in on explaining my feelings to her and see what shakes out.

 

We love each other immensely, but it's just something I'm struggling with now that kids are in the picture and I'm at the bottom of a long list of priorities while I'm still putting her at the top of mine.

[BaileyB]

The Oral on guys in highschool was a but more tongue in cheek.

 

I doubt that she heard it as tongue in cheek...

 

I most humbly suggest, you may have got her attention with that kind of comment but it does nothing to encourage your partner, to help her to feel good about herself and your relationship such that she will genuinely want to give to you and please you... which is probably why it has fallen off, again...

 

If my partner made a comment like that to me, he would be getting LESS oral, not more.

 

I sympathize, I can sense your frustration and appreciate your attempts to improve the situation. I hope you have a good talk and things improve for you.

[4fin]

Bob,

You describe my situation almost to a T. Sexual abuse, wasn't always like this, similarly aged kids when I started discussing the issue, the whole ticklish no receiving oral thing plus keep your hands off of me and what feels like a complete lack of desire. You didn't mention sex had become a chore for her but I've been told that. I find it odd she recommended tinder. Just like men don't understand women when it comes to sex I don't think women understand men. Sex is so much more than just sex. It's a way to connect that nothing else compares to and doing it with someone else just doesn't appeal to me at all.

At times it does make me want to ask what does it feel like to be desired because I have no clue. I know i am loved but her desire for me and sex in no way shape or form equals mine. Once the kids were more independent I had a discussion with her about how I felt. We simply are different. I'm on the daily end of the spectrum and she's on the once a week to every 10 days end. We simply compromised and met in the middle at basically every other day. For whatever reason she doesn't have any interest in receiving pleasure but gives it out liberally. I'd like to be for her what she is for me but she's got so many no go zones that's simply impossible. Then there's the fact that she doesn't even want it. The most frustrating part is it wasn't always this way. Once the honeymoon/limerence wore off the truth came out. Add kids and you get the all to familiar boat we are in.

A scheduled sex life may not sound remotely romantic but given the alternatives it's our best option. If I were willing to wait a week or 2 she says her level of desire would build up. The problem is my desire is full time. It's even when I sleep. I have no clue what I say or do in my sleep except that it's consistent with my conscious feelings. It was great when our desire for each other was equal. Unfortunately those days are gone and I have to accept what is there. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Make teas, run baths, buy lingerie, stay fit, cook dinners, put kids to bed... the list does indeed run on.

 

In being the person and parent you want to be, don't you do much of the "list" for yourself? Sex isn't like frequent flier miles, you won't earn BJ's by doing the dishes. I don't minimize your contribution to the household, but they're your kids and it's your house too. You'll find little overlap between chores and arousal, and even (in your wife's case) between run baths/lingerie and arousal.

 

She's already participating in your intimate life in a way that works for her. There's a large spectrum of sexual performance, most of us fall on there where we fall. I've seen very few women go from where she's at to what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

The Tinder suggestion is a strange thing... Given, she suggested it to "boost your self esteem" and find companionship... This says to me that she feels like you need something that she is not willing or able to give.

 

The fact that she is encouraging you to go elsewhere to boost your self esteem or find some companionship - and she does not see this as a problem is not a good thing. Problems within a marriage are usually never solved by turning outside of the marriage...

Edited August 31, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I'm on the daily end of the spectrum and she's on the once a week to every 10 days end. We simply compromised and met in the middle at basically every other day.

 

Interesting. You would like daily and she would like once a week or once every 10 days... So, you met in the middle" and agreed to every other day. It seems to me that you got the best of that compromise...

 

There is a lot of good information in your post. Thanks for sharing.

[4fin]

Interesting. You would like daily and she would like once a week or once every 10 days... So, you met in the middle" and agreed to every other day. It seems to me that you got the best of that compromise...

 

There is a lot of good information in your post. Thanks for sharing.

 

 

Bailey,

For discussion's sake lets look at this compromise a little differently. I want sex daily but I used to receive it once a week. I get what I want 1 out of 7 days. To make it easy my wife wants sex once a week and wants not to have sex 6 days a week. She's 7/7 and I was 1/7 for the 7-8 years I had 2 kids where one was 3 years old when we were far closer to daily. My honeymoon phase and post honey moon phase are both high to the point of almost equal. I didn't change. She did. Again we are different but add sexual abuse to the equation and the whole dynamic changes. It was the night we had the discussion on compromise I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I decided I was ready to know "exactly" what happened. OP don't go there. Nothing good comes from it. I could write a lot about that night. I do wish you well because I know exactly where you're standing. It's hard not to take personally but I would suggest you try to. There's a lot of factors at play and if you're like me you may not want to know all of the ins and outs of those factors.