Avoiding others yet trying to be social

[mortensorchid]

I am setting into the kind of "winter thinking" nowadays. An older friend or two told me that as you get older the want and need to socialize goes down which I did not believe when I was a kid but see things now clearly. There are a lot of reasons behind it : you change, the people around you change, your circumstances change, etc. I am beginning to settle myself once again into the sense of isolation that comes from seasonal changes - working in academic settings does that as well.

 

I am struggling, trying to find a way to someday somehow meet The One, break out of my kid self and be in an adult sense of self. I am 43 about to be 44. I can get past the fact that I won't have children. People say do Meetup groups and all to meet people but that doesn't always mean it could fit into your schedule or be about things that you are about. I have been broken up with just about every man who I have been with, they won't commit to me but they will to the next woman they encounter who is not right for them and they end up marrying them barely a year later (and divorced about 2/3) years after that. I have been trying to get past the thing about looks - I have gone for tall, dark and handsome before and I said I think I may have missed out a few times. So I tried going for a man who is less than perfect - maybe he's chunky or balding or whatever else, and ... Not much luck there either.

 

Just feel depressed sometimes but I don't show it. I have on this forum because I have no health insurance and can't see a shrink. I don't share these things with others because no one wants to be around a sad sack or one who cries about it. But hey go out on an OLD where the guy is so uninterested in you that he doesn't even order a beverage to drink with you, yawns and says he was going to get going because he's tired after 45 minutes, then barely bothers to even shake your hand before you part ways ... It makes you realize that these are the idiots you have to chose from.

 

Plus as I am getting older people are starting to be meaner I noticed. Some actually we're rotten enough to say things to me like "You're 43 and still single no wonder". I would never say something so mean to someone because it's not my business what is / isn't going on in other people's lives. Then again I think that's somewhat of the critical, Millennial attitude as well where it's all about me. But hey I suppose everything is great for them isn't it? I have learned the hard way that one must just cut someone out of their lives and move on, you don't need them as friends when something like that happens. Hurtful? To be sure but I'm sure they were never hurt at all by anyone, were they? Somewhat of another thread to ponder.

 

But I am trying to settle into a new way of thinking: being alone is alright, I am my own best friend and I can do whatever I want without having to compromise. I go out and do things. But I am feeling more and more... Like things are closing in on me at the same time. Anyone else feel this?

[basil67]

But hey go out on an OLD where the guy is so uninterested in you that he doesn't even order a beverage to drink with you, yawns and says he was going to get going because he's tired after 45 minutes, then barely bothers to even shake your hand before you part ways ... It makes you realize that these are the idiots you have to chose from.

 

You're again blaming others for your situation. You'll NEVER escape this cycle until you can start to recognise how you are contributing to the situation.

 

The behaviour of the guy you're on the date with is not based on him being an idiot. It's based on him not being able to establish a connection with you. 45 mins with someone where there's no connection feels like an eternity of boredom.

 

It's possible that he struggles to connect in general (again, this doesn't make him an idiot, it simply means that he struggles with making connections)

On the other hand, you've talked in the past about being very closed. That you don't share much. How your preferred facial expression is neutral. I would imagine this would make you very difficult to engage with. Perhaps even the most engaging of people would struggle to connect with you.

 

Before blaming others and calling them names, have a look at how you're contributing to any situation and whether or not you could do it differently next time.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm trying to understand, but need some help...

 

When you meet these guys, do you smile and introduce yourself?? Are you actually happy to be on a date with them or is it just another inconvenience that you already know will end bad?? What attitude are you bringing to the table?? You've mentioned numerous times these men that dumped you and go on to marry the next woman they date; are you pouring this drivel out to these potential daters?? Are you being negative in anyway??

 

Do you bring happy topics to discuss with your date?? Do you stay away from politics, religion, past dating trauma and work problems??

 

I've never excused myself from a date just 45 minutes in... I've always made it through dinner or drinks & appetizers. What topics had you discussed that night prior to his "yawn and leaving"?? Did you try to compliment the guy??

 

And yes dating is going to be harder in your mid-40's as opposed to your mid 20's, so you have to go the extra mile to be friendly and likable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am setting into the kind of "winter thinking" nowadays. An older friend or two told me that as you get older the want and need to socialize goes down which I did not believe when I was a kid but see things now clearly. There are a lot of reasons behind it : you change, the people around you change, your circumstances change, etc.

 

Just the opposite for me. As I've gotten older, I've tended to value all relationships more, friendships included. So I'm more likely to make the effort to be a good friend and not take the people that care about me for granted or lose them in the shuffle.

 

Like most everything else in life, it takes effort to get results...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nospam99]

OP, I don't know you IRL. All I know is your character and personality as it comes across in your participation here on LS. That said, I get a moderate to strong negative vibe from you. In particular, a recent thread you started about standing up an OLD guy left a super negative impression. I get the depression part and not having money for a shrink. But in my experience, almost totally related to my ex-wife, I've never met a shrink who was anything but a marketing associate for a pharmaceutical anyway.

 

I suggest that a friend in your life, someone who can and will dive down your emotional rabbit hole with you, would be vastly more valuable to you than a shrink. I hope you have at least one such person. If not, I hope you can find one. Extra value if they can 'wing-person' your dating life - not what we usually mean like going to the bar of club with you, but to review the choices and actions you make and do as you (and if you continue to) search for a beneficial emotional relationship.The catch-22 is that this hypothetical wing-person may end up also being the relationship partner. Though I'm thinking more along the lines of a female friend who helps you filter your expectations about meeting and dating men.

[FMW]

Maybe you have some old baggage you haven't dealt with yet and that's holding you back?

 

When I'm feeling withdrawn or negative about my interactions with others I can generally trace it back to a problem with me, something I need to work through. Sometimes we just have to sit back and take a long look at ourselves and identify what is blocking us.

 

I'm generally impatient and I would love to just get on with my life following some normal bumps in life, but I've had to accept that I need a little time to settle things within myself before I can connect in a healthy way with others. I am fortunate to have good friends and loving family, but sometimes I pull away from them because I need to adjust my attitude or negative thinking.

 

There are a ton of self help articles on the internet, just spend some time googling some topics that seem to be a problem for you and you might be surprised what you can learn.

 

All that being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy on your own. But it doesn't sound like you are happy, so don't just give up and resign yourself to things never changing. It just takes effort and self awareness and willingness to "tweak" our outlook and how we interact with others. You seem to have a great desire to connect - so work on identifying and addressing whatever it is inside you that's blocking that.