How important is the "spark"?

[snowboy91]

So here's the story: Following my breakup back in June, I started seeing someone which turned into a FWB, which then became casually dating. The entire time we have explicitly decided not to be exclusive. Last month I went on a 2 week trip overseas where I hooked up with someone. I very foolishly scheduled a couple of dates with the girl I met there... went on these dates which worked out nicely. There was definitely attraction there on both sides.

 

Before I continue, my FWB/date at home DOES know about this, and has been perfectly fine with it as far as I can tell. There has been no negativity from her about this in the 2 weeks I've been home.

 

Now I understand that nothing can happen with the girl I hooked up with - I'm on the other side of the world and don't have any realistic possibility to pursue things with her. But I can't help noticing there was strong attraction between us at the time... something I haven't actually had with the girl I'm seeing at home. At best there has been a "slow burn" sort of attraction. The most frustrating part is that the girl I've been seeing at home (the FWB/casual dating) is compatible on so many levels - sex is great, we have so many common interests and never run out of ideas of things to do together. It just doesn't feel like enough though. It's hard to explain, I can't fault her in any way and I imagine we would work extremely well in a LTR, but there just isn't that spark that I know I've had when I've met others (which usually doesn't work for one reason or another).

 

So I'm throwing this back to the board for both general and specific advice - feel free to answer in either sense. In my specific case: Should I enter a relationship with the girl I'm seeing at home knowing we're compatible, hoping the attraction will follow? Am I really just being incredibly picky? Or should I break it off and keep looking, knowing that it's unlikely I'll find someone who is compatible with my personality?

 

In general: How important is the "spark" when starting to date or get into a relationship? Have you ever been in a situation where the person you're dating seems perfect, but you're just not feeling it? Or you know they're not compatible with you, but you've fallen for them really hard?

[MountainGirl111]

Lots of good questions here.

 

I'm certainly not against the "spark", but I do wonder if it is an absolute must.... I guess it boils down to you in the end and how important the spark is for you. I certainly would caution you in proceeding with a relationship in which there was NO/zero spark.

 

Also, there are different "levels" of spark. A little spark, a medium spark, a big spark or fireworks!! haha.

 

However, compatibility is important too. It's great to have things in common, etc. So, I guess I didn't answer your questions very well...

[Mysterio]

Is Overseas Girl more physically attractive to you than Home Girl?

 

If you were on the Bachelor show. Who would you pick between the two?

 

Do you want to settle down and if so. Could you really make it work with Overseas Girl.

 

 

Sounds like to me. Home Girl and you are in a pattern and its no taken serriously. Almost like, better to have a relationship getting laid, than meet and socialize with each others family and friends.

[Els]

Been with the SO for years now, and I believe "the spark" is invaluable. Yes, it won't ensure a great LTR on its own - you need plenty of other things for that as well, e.g. compatibility, willingness to put in effort, etc. But the "spark" is what draws you together in the first place, what makes the bonding so enjoyable, and what gives you motivation to get through the tough times together. Weathering the storm (inevitable in any LTR) with someone whom you're attracted to is hard enough. If you weren't attracted to them, it's unlikely you'd even bother.

 

 

Attraction can certainly grow... but if you're even thinking about getting with someone else and comparing your brand new gf to them, chances are the base attraction is severely lacking.

[preraph]

Unless you find two people who don't care about "the spark" and are just practical minded and content, then it matters. If either of you cares about it, it matters. Most people want "the spark" at the beginning on which to build exciting memories, but there are people who are content without it, and anyone who's been with someone long enough knows it's very rare the spark continues, but there are some lucky couples who get the spark once in awhile, enough to keep them happy in between domestic dreariness.

[alphamale]

that all-elusive "spark" is very important. I've only felt it a handful of times

[Whodatdog]

The spark is what differentiates the fwb with a true emotional relationship. No spark, you are just having sex with a friend. Dont you want to find a relationship with the spark like you had with Oversees Girl?

[nospam99]

the girl I've been seeing at home (the FWB/casual dating) is compatible on so many levels - sex is great, we have so many common interests and never run out of ideas of things to do together. It just doesn't feel like enough though. It's hard to explain, I can't fault her in any way and I imagine we would work extremely well in a LTR, but there just isn't that spark that I know I've had when I've met others (which usually doesn't work for one reason or another).

 

 

Well, I feel like someone who's never had an orgasm so can't understand what it is. Sex is great? Check. So many common interests? Check. Never run out of ideas of things to do together? Check. Can't fault her in any way? Check. Would work extremely well in a LTR? Check. If there is a 'spark' that is more, I've never experienced it.

[Els]

Well, I feel like someone who's never had an orgasm so can't understand what it is. Sex is great? Check. So many common interests? Check. Never run out of ideas of things to do together? Check. Can't fault her in any way? Check. Would work extremely well in a LTR? Check. If there is a 'spark' that is more, I've never experienced it.

 

 

Yes, there is more! It's the giddy romantic feeling, the way you can't stop thinking about them, the way an entire hour flies past just sitting next to them watching the waves wash up the shore with your hand in theirs, the feeling you get when you stroke their hair. Everything you mentioned is important, but rather objective - this is the subjective/emotional side of the equation.

[carhill]

So I'm throwing this back to the board for both general and specific advice - feel free to answer in either sense. In my specific case: Should I enter a relationship with the girl I'm seeing at home knowing we're compatible, hoping the attraction will follow?

At your age, IMO, no, presuming you're fine living and being alone

Am I really just being incredibly picky?

Don't know you, don't know. Relationships are discriminatory. You decide.

Or should I break it off and keep looking, knowing that it's unlikely I'll find someone who is compatible with my personality?

If you like socializing, socialize. There's no law confining you to one woman, especially at your age. Reproduction is over. Women are to be enjoyed socially and sexually as such occurs and as you desire. If there's a meeting of the minds, cool. If not, next.

 

In general: How important is the "spark" when starting to date or get into a relationship?

To some, little, to others a lot. Some people don't care one way or another. It also can change throughout life, meaning one can feel one way at one point in time and another at a different point. IMO, that's why rules and generalities are difficult when it comes to emotions, as they change from moment to moment.

Have you ever been in a situation where the person you're dating seems perfect, but you're just not feeling it?

Yes, but rarely, likely because historically I've gotten to know people before asking them out. By that time I knew what was there or what wasn't. The exceptions occurred when I consciously changed that style to getting to know someone *while* dating. In those cases, I gave some BOTD but they always ended either at my action or that of the other person. It didn't flow.

Or you know they're not compatible with you, but you've fallen for them really hard?

That's only happened a couple times, decades ago, and it was with women who later turned out to be married. Better vetting eliminated that problem. They might have been 'compatible' but they were otherwise committed so not available.

 

What I've noticed the most is women I've interacted with in life appear very decisive when 'spark' isn't there. The less decisive part comes in when they feel it's there but aren't sure whether in sufficient quality and quantity to consider a relationship. That's the feedback I've heard personally, including from the lady I married. Could they be lying? Sure! Guess it'll remain a mystery.

 

BTW, I was thinking nospam99 when replying about age stuff. Disregard that part.

Edited September 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poutrew]

If you really need 'the spark' reliably in your life, just touch the tip of your tongue to a 9 volt battery... humans do not make good batteries - just ask Neo.

[snowboy91]

Yes, there is more! It's the giddy romantic feeling, the way you can't stop thinking about them, the way an entire hour flies past just sitting next to them watching the waves wash up the shore with your hand in theirs, the feeling you get when you stroke their hair. Everything you mentioned is important, but rather objective - this is the subjective/emotional side of the equation.

 

Yes, this! And I have had this with previous partners. It does fade over time but I feel that some of it can be maintained if there is compatibility and effort in other areas. Which is where my last long-term relationship fell over. Thanks for sharing your experience, glad to know it can keep going

 

Is Overseas Girl more physically attractive to you than Home Girl?

 

If you were on the Bachelor show. Who would you pick between the two?

 

Do you want to settle down and if so. Could you really make it work with Overseas Girl.

 

 

Sounds like to me. Home Girl and you are in a pattern and its no taken serriously. Almost like, better to have a relationship getting laid, than meet and socialize with each others family and friends.

 

To answer your questions: The girl from overseas is the one I find more attractive - just by being more the type I prefer. The girl at home is by no means unattractive though.

 

There isn't much I find to be impossible - I'm actually considering doing a working holiday where overseas girl lives next year (there are a lot more reasons for me wanting to go other than just her). She'll have most likely moved on - I also have too but I'm really just referring to the feeling I got when I was with her.

 

Yes, but rarely, likely because historically I've gotten to know people before asking them out. By that time I knew what was there or what wasn't. The exceptions occurred when I consciously changed that style to getting to know someone *while* dating. In those cases, I gave some BOTD but they always ended either at my action or that of the other person. It didn't flow.

 

...

 

BTW, I was thinking nospam99 when replying about age stuff. Disregard that part.

 

Yeah gotta say I was a bit confused at first.

 

The catch (mentioned in a previous thread) is that this girl I'm seeing at home is someone I've known for over a year - we're students who work in the same department. We share much of the same friendship group. We got to know each other in the lead-up to and just after my last relationship ended, and hooked up only a few days after my breakup. I think I've just assumed that as my emotions from my break-up settle, my feelings for her would become clearer.

 

Thanks for all your responses everyone!

[nospam99]

Yes, there is more! It's the giddy romantic feeling, the way you can't stop thinking about them, the way an entire hour flies past just sitting next to them watching the waves wash up the shore with your hand in theirs, the feeling you get when you stroke their hair. Everything you mentioned is important, but rather objective - this is the subjective/emotional side of the equation.

 

Thanks for your explanation. Except for the hour flying past on the shore, the other things you describe are, at least for me, lust or infatuation. FWIW I have no trouble generating lustful feelings for any physically attractive woman. Maybe I'm still either misunderstanding or 'missing out'. But if that's what the 'spark' is, happens all the time and is less important to me than the feeling of long-term emotional compatibility. The OP wrote that sex is great with 'the girl at home' but no spark. For me that's a contradiction.

[todreaminblue]

in starting anything new with someone there's normally a "spark" its whether you think that spark is gonna stay lit without work and reall effort that counts....deb

[snowboy91]

Thanks for your explanation. Except for the hour flying past on the shore, the other things you describe are, at least for me, lust or infatuation. FWIW I have no trouble generating lustful feelings for any physically attractive woman. Maybe I'm still either misunderstanding or 'missing out'. But if that's what the 'spark' is, happens all the time and is less important to me than the feeling of long-term emotional compatibility. The OP wrote that sex is great with 'the girl at home' but no spark. For me that's a contradiction.

 

You raise a good point. I think to me "spark" and lustful feelings are similar but not quite the same thing. Lustful feelings are more physical, but spark is more emotional (pretty much what Elswyth describes). As for how the sex is like, it's highly enjoyable, but the emotional connection isn't as strong as it could be. Emotionally, it's a little like I'm still in a FWB, but with the added comfort of being so for some time and knowing what we like.

[Els]

You raise a good point. I think to me "spark" and lustful feelings are similar but not quite the same thing. Lustful feelings are more physical, but spark is more emotional (pretty much what Elswyth describes). As for how the sex is like, it's highly enjoyable, but the emotional connection isn't as strong as it could be. Emotionally, it's a little like I'm still in a FWB, but with the added comfort of being so for some time and knowing what we like.

I totally get that.

 

I dunno, OP, it's been a few months, right? If you're not feeling it now, it's highly unlikely it will ever happen.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair spacing

[nospam99]

You raise a good point. I think to me ''spark'' and lustful feelings are similar but not quite the same thing. Lustful feelings are more physical, but spark is more emotional (pretty much what Elswyth describes). As for how the sex is like, it's highly enjoyable, but the emotional connection isn't as strong as it could be. Emotionally, it's a little like I'm still in a FWB, but with the added comfort of being so for some time and knowing what we like.

 

I'm splitting hairs with y'all about terminology. When I think 'spark', it's lust, the IMMEDIATE VISCERAL reaction that runs from my eyes to my gonads that says 'I want to **** dat!' The EMOTIONAL connection takes time for me. It's the development/growth of a deep degree of caring for the well-being and happiness of 'the other' (a female romantic partner in this case). I call that 'love'. For me 'love' is never a 'spark', but a smoldering fire.

[Els]

I'm splitting hairs with y'all about terminology. When I think 'spark', it's lust, the IMMEDIATE VISCERAL reaction that runs from my eyes to my gonads that says 'I want to **** dat!' The EMOTIONAL connection takes time for me. It's the development/growth of a deep degree of caring for the well-being and happiness of 'the other' (a female romantic partner in this case). I call that 'love'. For me 'love' is never a 'spark', but a smoldering fire.

 

 

To me, there are two types of emotional connection. The first is "the spark", the romantic feelings that you get with a person whom you feel "in love" with. This is NOT the same thing as lust, which is purely sexual and not emotional. It does take a bit of time, yes, but if you haven't felt it after 3 months with that person, it ain't coming.

 

 

 

The second type is a deeper commitment that you make towards a person whom you have weathered storms with. That certainly takes longer than 3 months to form, but IME again it does not happen if the first type is missing to begin with.

 

 

Both are integral IMO.

[nospam99]

I'm probably the only person here that feels this way, but I think ''the spark'' is nonsense.

 

You're not the only one. I've replied in this thread essentially saying that to me the 'spark' is sexual attraction. I 'feel' it all the time (live in a college town and it is 'shorts season' now LOL ) but only act on it with a woman I am 'seriously' dating. I don't understand how the OP is even thinking about 'moving on' from 'the girl at home' because of attraction to 'the girl overseas'. I strongly suspect I'd 'feel the spark' for both.

[Els]

I'm probably the only person here that feels this way, but I think "the spark" is nonsense. Maybe I am just too left-brained for this sort of thing but when I see a girl, as long as she is physically attractive enough for sex, seems like a decent person, and her personality meshes well with me, I will date her. I do not ever, nor have I ever sought out some elusive "spark" that no one seems to be able to define clearly.

 

 

Look, if you guys have never experienced it, that's perfectly fine and your prerogative to believe whatever you want about it. But the OP has clearly stated that he HAS experienced it before. He's not asking if it exists, he's asking how important it is.

 

 

It's kind of like telling someone orgasms aren't important because you think it doesn't exist. I mean, if it doesn't exist for you, fine, but how does that help the person who knows it DOES exist for them?

[alphamale]

I'm probably the only person here that feels this way, but I think "the spark" is nonsense. Maybe I am just too left-brained for this sort of thing but when I see a girl, as long as she is physically attractive enough for sex, seems like a decent person, and her personality meshes well with me, I will date her. I do not ever, nor have I ever sought out some elusive "spark" that no one seems to be able to define clearly.

 

the "spark" is just mutual chemistry man

[Els]

I answered that question and provided the reason why I felt that way.

 

 

But your reason is "because it doesn't exist", which is false for the OP. It may not exist for you, but it clearly exists FOR HIM. How is that supposed to help?

 

 

Except that it would be pretty silly of me to deny the existence of something that is clearly captured on film. While there are a few of us out there that have never experienced an orgasm, they can at least tune in to some porn and check one out. Also, the orgasm is clearly defined. Anyone who looks at one will know, that's someone having an orgasm. The spark is not clearly defined. Look at this thread for various descriptions and definitions of it. No one can agree. Also, it appears I am not the only one that thinks it BS.

 

 

Actually, no, lots of people experience and describe the sensation of orgasms differently.... and the majority of orgasms that you see "captured on film" are fake.

[nospam99]

Pretty hard to fake a girl with semen in her face.

 

LOL but ... mayonnaise

[Els]

Evening, El! Just because it something exists to someone doesn't mean it actually exists. I know people that believe in aliens, ghosts, and the tooth fairy, but I wouldn't make major life decisions based on those things either.

 

 

Evening!

 

 

 

"The spark" is inherently a FEELING, not an entity. You can't claim that an entity exists without proof. However, there is no way to prove feelings, and no feeling in the world can possibly be "proven". If you have never experienced love, or grief, or happiness, or contentment, or tiredness, you can't just say "I've never experienced it, therefore it mustn't exist" and then tell everyone that "happiness isn't important because it doesn't exist, and it doesn't exist because nobody can agree on what it means and I think it's bull****"...

 

 

Pretty hard to fake a girl with semen in her face.

 

 

All female orgasms can potentially be "fake", though (and the majority of those portrayed on film are). And women tend to describe their experience of orgasm differently. Does that mean that no woman ever orgasms?

[spiderowl]

I do feel the 'spark' is important but it can be short-lived too as you get to know someone and realise it can be superficial.

 

How would you feel if your FWB suddenly decided that she no longer needed a FWB and met someone else? Would you just feel sad at losing her company and the sex or would it be more? Do you think you might start to feel jealous of her new partner?

 

I think it would help to consider how you would feel if you no longer had her in your life as she is. It is easy to take someone for granted if they are 'available' and not to see them as exciting because of that. I am not saying that is what you are doing, but it is a new perspective for you to consider.

 

I hope it helps with your question.