How important is the "spark"?

[Eternal Sunshine]

"Settling" is when people proceed into a relationship without that giddy, "can't sleep, eat or think of anything else" spark.

 

 

I have felt it before and I won't even try a relationship without it anymore. I pushed myself into a pragmatic relationship once and I was the most miserable I have ever been.

[Els]

So, you're saying the tooth fairy is real!

 

 

No, that is an entity, not a feeling.

 

 

My experience with people who always talk about the spark is that they are the perpetually single people, usually ladies.

 

 

But I am not, and neither is the OP. To be perfectly honest, 10 years down the line with the same man, that feeling is as real for me as it's ever been.

 

 

 

 

Again, it might just be my analytical nature, but I always know precisely why I am interested in someone or not. I would never just describe it as some spark. If you're a woman, and I find you physically appealing, emotionally stable, interesting, and our morals align, I'd probably wanna date you. I wouldn't look for some spark.

 

Could be semantics? I wouldn't say you have to CALL it the spark, but the OP does.

 

 

You assume I care about whether or not my female has an orgasm

 

 

IMO the female orgasm is every bit as important as the spark.

[snowboy91]

So, you're saying the tooth fairy is real! My experience with people who always talk about the spark is that they are the perpetually single people, usually ladies. Again, it might just be my analytical nature, but I always know precisely why I am interested in someone or not. I would never just describe it as some spark. If you're a woman, and I find you physically appealing, emotionally stable, interesting, and our morals align, I'd probably wanna date you. I wouldn't look for some spark.

 

That does sound like a rather pragmatic approach to dating. If it works for you, that's all good, and to be honest I envy that.

 

The problem is that if everything in bold above was put in front of me, I may not actually feel anything even though I know that pragmatically it should be a good match for me. On the flip side, there are other women who will have me going crazy about them and wanting to be around them all the time, even though there are things about their personality or interests that don't align with me. That's what I mean about the spark - it's a feeling that isn't based at all in common interests or morals. It's purely emotional, so by nature it doesn't always make sense.

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I think the issue is that the spark can mean many different things. If I think back to my past girlfriends, there were those that I definitely felt a better initial chemistry with than others, but ultimately all those relationships failed.

 

My first every girlfriend in my early 20's I had a real spark for in the traditional sense. Every time I saw her walking up my drive to come visit, or every time she was going to meet me after work, I would have butterflies. I was as excited as a kid at Christmas. This of course fizzled out over the 18 months we went out until I ended it. The following 4 girlfriends all started with similar feelings, and then this fizzled again as we settled into a relationship.

 

I am coming up to six months with my current girlfriend, and this is someone who I have known for a few years at work before becoming an item. We talked about this recently in that neither of us perhaps felt crazy lighting bolt feelings as you see in films, but that we are both crazy about each other. I still get excited when I am going to see her, but perhaps being a bit older now, it isn't as hormonal and crazy as it used to be. I suppose I look at things a bit more pragmatically now - at the age of 40, does she want children, does she want marriage, will we move in together etc etc. This perhaps has replaced that crazy in love feeling that I had in my early 20's when there is no worry about any of those things and time is on your side.

 

So, to answer the OP - I don't think that the 'spark' is necessary. I think that people come together for a whole host of reasons, and I think that the spark per se dulls over time. An extreme example for instance would be meeting someone new in your 80's or 90's when the whole sex thing for most people is long over - you more want companionship perhaps and someone to go for walks with or whatever. I doubt there is much of a classical spark there but more a warm fuzzy feeling? I dunno. Does that even make sense? In essence, I think the spark is when you are young and crazy in love. I think it naturally dies as we age and think more practically about life. I now get a warm happy feeling when I see my girl as opposed to the flash bang I want to tear your pants off and be hit by lightning bolts that I had as a 20 year old!!