If your gf likes attention from other guys, is that wrong?

[philly24]

If your SO likes attention from other people during your relationship, is it wrong?

 

 

I dated my best friend of 2 years for 1.5 years. We broke up over 3 months ago. The biggest reason we broke up was I became immature/insecure over one of the guys in her friend group. I caused a lot of fights over this. But a quick list of what he did:

 

 

1. Ask to start a Snapchat streak with my gf (which she agreed to because she thought he was just being friendly).

2. Avoided me completely when she tried to introduce me to her friends during a school banquet. Like he straight up walked away.

3. Follows her around school like a "lost puppy" (this is what two of her own friends told her after noticing).

4. I noticed he didn't like any of her IG posts that included me.

5. Continues to try and text her even when she gives him one word answers, or ignores him.

 

 

She eventually ignored him on everything that had to do with her phone i.e. texts, Snapchat, etc. But he still followed her in school despite that. I asked her many times to tell him to back off, and she always responded with "you have to trust me, if he tries anything, I'll handle it." I never asked her to do this with any of her other guy friends, just this one guy.

 

 

BTW, when we broke up, he apparently confessed his love to her. She told one of our mutual friends who told me.

 

 

My questions are:

 

 

1. Was I wrong for feeling uncomfortable?

2. Was she wrong for not asking him to back off?

3. Is it wrong in GENERAL for partners to like the attention from other people while in a relationship?

[alphamale]

1. No

2. Yes

3. Yes

[somanymistakes]

Some people are naturally flirtatious even if it doesn't mean anything.

 

Some people LIKE seeing their partner get attention from others.

 

Some people are not all people!

 

In your particular case, you were absolutely right that he was into her, obviously. But she wasn't into him, right? Did she turn him down when he finally confessed?

 

That may be why she thought it was no big deal, because she knew she wasn't interested. Constantly hassling her about it may have felt insulting to her, like you didn't believe her, like you thought she was cheating when she wasn't.

 

You weren't wrong for feeling uncomfortable.

 

She was neither right nor wrong for not being more firm with him. Many women don't want to be really harsh in telling a guy to back off, either because they don't want that person to hate them and never talk to them again, or because they're afraid he will take it badly and get nasty. Women are socially trained to sort of downpedal this sort of thing and not make a fuss. That can backfire though if a guy takes it as proof that he has a chance. (And sometimes, it really does mean he has a chance, because there's a tiny bit of the girl who doesn't want him to go away.)

 

But did she actually LIKE getting attention from him? None of your examples sound like she was eating up the attention. You said she was ignoring him.

[philly24]

Some people are naturally flirtatious even if it doesn't mean anything.

 

Some people LIKE seeing their partner get attention from others.

 

Some people are not all people!

 

In your particular case, you were absolutely right that he was into her, obviously. But she wasn't into him, right? Did she turn him down when he finally confessed?

 

That may be why she thought it was no big deal, because she knew she wasn't interested. Constantly hassling her about it may have felt insulting to her, like you didn't believe her, like you thought she was cheating when she wasn't.

 

You weren't wrong for feeling uncomfortable.

 

She was neither right nor wrong for not being more firm with him. Many women don't want to be really harsh in telling a guy to back off, either because they don't want that person to hate them and never talk to them again, or because they're afraid he will take it badly and get nasty. Women are socially trained to sort of downpedal this sort of thing and not make a fuss. That can backfire though if a guy takes it as proof that he has a chance. (And sometimes, it really does mean he has a chance, because there's a tiny bit of the girl who doesn't want him to go away.)

 

But did she actually LIKE getting attention from him? None of your examples sound like she was eating up the attention. You said she was ignoring him.

 

 

She rejected him. But I honestly didn't think she was going to cheat. I was just wondering why she'd let him follow her around like that in person. She ignored him with her phone, but not in person. I know I came off like I thought she was going to cheat, but trust me, that was not my intention at all. If were at the club or something and a guy walked over to hit on her, I'd probably just laugh. But this was constantly every single day in school.

 

 

3 weeks after we broke up, she started talking to him again. Does that make any sense? She KNEW he liked her more than a friend. I confronted her about it and she told me "you always twisted this friendship into something more." She admitted she was friends with him despite all those signs and how I was uncomfortable with him ALWAYS following her.

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, it just sounds like she felt it wasn't important because she knew she wasn't going to date him.

 

From her viewpoint, the question is "Why does it matter if he's following me around?"

 

The answer to that may be very obvious to you but it sounds like either she didn't understand your reasons or she objected to them.

[philly24]

That was exactly how she felt. I should've just compromised and trusted her, but my mind was clouded at the time. Now that I've realized things, it's too late.

[alphamale]

That was exactly how she felt. I should've just compromised and trusted her, but my mind was clouded at the time. Now that I've realized things, it's too late.

 

learn from your mistake and move on young jedi

[philly24]

learn from your mistake and move on young jedi

 

 

I feel a lot better than I did months ago. I am learning. I think I would've been fine if she wasn't my best friend before dating, but since she was, it makes it a lot worse for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

The biggest reason we broke up was I became immature/insecure over one of the guys in her friend group. I caused a lot of fights over this.

 

I've read your post twice, still can't see anything she did wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[philly24]

I've read your post twice, still can't see anything she did wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

She didn't really. When she agreed to the SnapChat streak with him, she was being oblivious. However, she did show me her phone and he did become her #1 friend over me. And her texts with him - it was like she was hyped to talk to him. She used all caps with him and responded fairly quickly, while with me she sometimes took a very long time to respond. What she kept up with him seems like she liked the attention.

 

 

 

But that's where I became immature. Instead of seeing she made small mistakes, I kept pushing her to tell him to back off. She wouldn't so I'd start fights over it. I know it was mostly my fault and I'm not blaming her.

[thefooloftheyear]

She didn't really. When she agreed to the SnapChat streak with him, she was being oblivious. However, she did show me her phone and he did become her #1 friend over me. And her texts with him - it was like she was hyped to talk to him. She used all caps with him and responded fairly quickly, while with me she sometimes took a very long time to respond. What she kept up with him seems like she liked the attention.

 

 

 

But that's where I became immature. Instead of seeing she made small mistakes, I kept pushing her to tell him to back off. She wouldn't so I'd start fights over it. I know it was mostly my fault and I'm not blaming her.

 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself

 

Here is the reality ..I know of no woman in my entire life that would be cool with me doing what your girl did with some other woman....none.....zero....

 

 

People on forums and in other venues like to tell people like you that you are being unreasonable and you should trust, blah blah..It makes them sound ultra confident and self assured when its not their life or their bf/gf that is potentially not maintaining boundaries....

 

Most smart women in functional relationships knock the dicks in of those guys quickly and without any drama...They know it could easily wind up just as your deal did, where the guy thought she was giving him some kind of green light.

 

TFY

[Redhead14]

I'll handle it." -- She did -- She eventually ignored him on everything that had to do with her phone i.e. texts, Snapchat, etc.

 

But he still followed her in school despite that -- She can't "control" him. Most guys who have some self-esteem and not a stalker, would have gotten the message when she cut him off.

 

BTW, when we broke up, he apparently confessed his love to her. -- So, he's a opportunist and a hoverer who swoops in on vulnerable girls, eh.

 

I think she did what she could do. The guy wasn't getting the message. That's not her fault.

 

But, the $64,000 question is, how did she respond to his confession of his love for her? Are they together now? If so, I'd say you have the answer to your first question. If not, I'd say you ruined your relationship with her for nothing.

Edited September 2, 2018 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

If your girlfriend likes attention from other guys -- If that is how you're thinking/feeling, if I were you, I'd evaluate whether or not you've been attentive enough and whether or not you've been taking her for granted and making your intentions with her clear enough to her. And, the way to do that is not by trying to control her. You do that by having an open discussion about your feelings for her and asking her if there is anything she needs from you or if there is something lacking in the relationship that can be addressed. If she says she's all good with everything and you're doing your part and she still seems to be seeking attention from other guys, then you just might have a girl on your hands with low self-esteem and that's not a good trait in a partner.

Edited September 2, 2018 by Redhead14

[philly24]

Don't be too hard on yourself

 

Here is the reality ..I know of no woman in my entire life that would be cool with me doing what your girl did with some other woman....none.....zero....

 

 

People on forums and in other venues like to tell people like you that you are being unreasonable and you should trust, blah blah..It makes them sound ultra confident and self assured when its not their life or their bf/gf that is potentially not maintaining boundaries....

 

Most smart women in functional relationships knock the dicks in of those guys quickly and without any drama...They know it could easily wind up just as your deal did, where the guy thought she was giving him some kind of green light.

 

TFY

 

 

I was being unreasonable. I see that now. But I had the right to feel uncomfortable. Funny thing is, she said if the tables were turned, she'd want me to deal with it...so why couldn't she do the same if she said that?

[philly24]

I'll handle it." -- She did -- She eventually ignored him on everything that had to do with her phone i.e. texts, Snapchat, etc.

 

But he still followed her in school despite that -- She can't "control" him. Most guys who have some self-esteem and not a stalker, would have gotten the message when she cut him off.

 

BTW, when we broke up, he apparently confessed his love to her. -- So, he's a opportunist and a hoverer who swoops in on vulnerable girls, eh.

 

I think she did what she could do. The guy wasn't getting the message. That's not her fault.

 

But, the $64,000 question is, how did she respond to his confession of his love for her? Are they together now? If so, I'd say you have the answer to your first question. If not, I'd say you ruined your relationship with her for nothing.

 

 

Is telling him to back off in person really that big of a deal? Her friends were seeing it too, they would've understood. I really didn't think she was going to cheat. That wasn't my issue. I did come off like that though, but my concern was this guy following her every single day. What if he tried something else? Wouldn't that put her in a more awkward position?

 

 

 

She rejected him. I wouldn't say I ruined it for nothing. I thought I did. MY relationship with her showed me a side I didn't know I had. This was my first serious relationship. As terrible as it sounds, I needed the breakup to improve/evolve myself to be a better person/bf for the future. I needed it to realize things. Losing her will probably go down as the biggest regret in my life, but I've accepted it and want the best for her.

 

 

If your girlfriend likes attention from other guys -- If that is how you're thinking/feeling, if I were you, I'd evaluate whether or not you've been attentive enough and whether or not you've been taking her for granted and making your intentions with her clear enough to her. And, the way to do that is not by trying to control her. You do that by having an open discussion about your feelings for her and asking her if there is anything she needs from you or if there is something lacking in the relationship that can be addressed. If she says she's all good with everything and you're doing your part and she still seems to be seeking attention from other guys, then you just might have a girl on your hands with low self-esteem and that's not a good trait in a partner.

 

 

I wasn't attentive enough. I did ask her if everything is okay and she said it was fine. My naive ass thought it really was fine. I wish I asked her if there was anything I could do, or lacking, just as you phrased it, but I didn't. My inexperience shows there. I needed the breakup to see things in a new perspective. I think a lot better now, but it's already too late.

Edited September 2, 2018 by philly24

[BaileyB]

Agree. She did nothing inherently wrong, but she could have shown more consideration for the fact that you were uncomfortable with this guy hanging around where he really didn't belong...

 

Nobody would be comfortable with another person following their girlfriend around like a puppy dog. If I was her, I would find it creepy to have another man following me around...

 

Obviously, you can't tell him to take a hike because you run the risk of starting a fight. She should have been the one to tell him to back off - she could have enforced better boundaries with him that would have made you feel more comfortable.

 

Oh well, you live and you learn. I hope the next woman you date has eyes for you, only.

Edited September 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[philly24]

Agree. She did nothing inherently wrong, but she could have shown more consideration for the fact that you were uncomfortable with this guy hanging around where he really didn't belong...

 

Nobody would be comfortable with another person following their girlfriend around like a puppy dog. If I was her, I would find it creepy to have another man following me around...

 

Obviously, you can't tell him to take a hike because you run the risk of starting a fight. She should have been the one to tell him to back off - she could have enforced better boundaries with him that would have made you feel more comfortable.

 

Oh well, you live and you learn. I hope the next woman you date has eyes for you, only.

 

 

That's what I was questioning too. Why would you let him follow you around like that, and why wait for something to happen for you to "handle it"? That just puts you in more awkward position I would think, instead of just saying "hey, I need you to cool it" or something along those lines.

 

 

I should've told him myself honestly now that I think of it. I wasn't going to threaten him, just that he needs to back off.

 

 

 

She did have eyes for me only. I had to trust her and I didn't come off that way. So that was my fault.

[thefooloftheyear]

That's what I was questioning too. Why would you let him follow you around like that, and why wait for something to happen for you to "handle it"? That just puts you in more awkward position I would think, instead of just saying "hey, I need you to cool it" or something along those lines.

 

 

I should've told him myself honestly now that I think of it. I wasn't going to threaten him, just that he needs to back off.

 

 

 

She did have eyes for me only. I had to trust her and I didn't come off that way. So that was my fault.

 

This may sound cold, but the fact is she didn't value you enough...If she did, she would have told the guy to get lost from the get go...No texting no following, nothing..I don't buy the theory that women can't reject guys flat because of fear.....Never seen that in my lifetime, and I have been around a while...

 

Here is something else to consider....While women will often muscle in on their friends guys, men don't generally do that...because they realize they could wind up getting their teeth knocked in.....Why this guy decided to is anyone's guess, but its not typical...

 

TFY

Edited September 2, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Springsummer]

This may sound cold, but the fact is she didn't value you enough...If she did, she would have told the guy to get lost from the get go...No texting no following, nothing..I don't buy the theory that women can't reject guys flat because of fear.....Never seen that in my lifetime, and I have been around a while...

 

Here is something else to consider....While women will often muscle in on their friends guys, men don't generally do that...because they realize they could wind up getting their teeth knocked in.....Why this guy decided to is anyone's guess, but its not typical...

 

TFY

 

I have never had a guy that I rejected still following me around. Not even the most unattractive ones.

 

idk, maybe I am not attractive enough.

[Redhead14]

What if he tried something else? -- She can't do anything else until he does do something else unfortunately. She is not a mind reader. I don't think she was feeling so uncomfortable as to think he would do something else or else she would be taking more precautions. What else could she do? Do you know for a fact that she didn't say something to him in person? And, I might venture to guess that she wouldn't confront him in person because he "just wasn't getting it". Someone who stalks you is not someone you confront directly. And, the police/authorities aren't quick to take the leap that just because two people have to be in the same vicinity on a regular basis that they are stalking someone. All she could do was be aware of her surroundings, avoid being alone, etc.

[philly24]

What if he tried something else? -- She can't do anything else until he does do something else unfortunately. She is not a mind reader. I don't think she was feeling so uncomfortable as to think he would do something else or else she would be taking more precautions. What else could she do? Do you know for a fact that she didn't say something to him in person? And, I might venture to guess that she wouldn't confront him in person because he "just wasn't getting it". Someone who stalks you is not someone you confront directly. And, the police/authorities aren't quick to take the leap that just because two people have to be in the same vicinity on a regular basis that they are stalking someone. All she could do was be aware of her surroundings, avoid being alone, etc.

 

When we broke up, she started talking to him again after 3 weeks. She liked having him as a friend. She ignored him through her phone to satisfy me during the relationship. She never wanted to do it because of his actions, it seems like she thought nothing of them. She told me, “you always twisted this friendship into something more.” She saw nothing wrong with what he was trying when we broke up. Then he finally confessed his love to her, she rejected him, and I’m not sure if they’re still friends. I haven’t talked to her since. What’s funny is now I’m out of her life while he still possibly remains.

[CollinW]

Attention seeking women are probably the most risky women to be with. Validation is a drug worst than heroine.