Just about love

[Candis01]

Every since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of a "perfect" wedding. From my dress to the flowers. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to get engaged and invite all of our friends and family to the wedding, so they could share our special day. Well all that changed. When my boyfriend said he wants to get married in a court house, since I'm not of age yet. I love him and I know I will marry him in the long run, but I don't know if I want to give up my special day, that I have always imagined. My mom has agreed to sign for me next year. He wants to save money, so we can start our life together early. He said we could save the money after we get settled and have a wedding like I want. I'm not sure what to do. In away I want to be selfish and go with the big wedding, and not get married to another 3 years (so we'll have the money), and another part I just want to marry him, because our love is going to be the same either way. I know if I do agree to the courthouse wedding, we wont have time or money to think about remarring, because we will already be married, and why waste that money when your already married. To me if we got married at the courthouse it wouldn't feel like we got married, just because I'm used to the big ceremony. I don't know, either way I will still love him just as much as I do now. I just want my wedding day to be perfect. Am I selfish to want that?

[Thinkalot]

Big wedding issue aside, I'd wait. You sound like you must be quite young, so why rush? You can start your life together without jumping into marriage.

I'd definately wait. So you can mature and grow further, and also so you can have the sort of wedding you want.

I just can't think of many reasons not to wait. You can still be together and in love and starting your life together. You dont need to be husband and wife right away to do that (unless you have religious reasons or something for wanting to marry).

It's Ok to dream about a wedding like that- lots of us do. You might always resent not having some kind of proper wedding (it doesnt have to be huge either, or cost heaps..but you can have a white wedding, and stay within a reasonable budget, say in a few years, when you both have more money).

Good luck with your decisions. Dont rush into anything.

[lynnspies1]

If you wait and have the wedding you dreamed of you will always look back on it with such fond memories. When you invite others to share in your day and especially if you have a church wedding you feel like you not only make a promise to your spouse but to all that attend and God that you are serious about your vows. It makes it seem more real when you go through hard times.

 

A court house seems impersonal and not as serious. I was married at 21 and feel that I got married way to young. Take your time, be sure this is right for both of you, save money and finish school. It will make a big difference if you both have the maturity to prepare for marriage before you jump in.

 

Good luck, Lynn

[RecordProducer]

O my, o my... I've never heard of a child's wedding. You're 15 or so and already in a rush to get married. If your love doesn't change then great, you will get married in 3 years and live happily ever after. But I guarantee you that things WILL change. I am not telling you that you will break-up, but you're in a life phase when you change on a daily basis. Do you remember yourself when you were 12? Are you the same now? Well that was 3 years ago. And believe me in 3 years from now you won't recognize yourself.

 

So you'll get married then what? Are you going to have children right away? Don't you have any dreams in your life? You don't want to go to college (obviously not), you never wanted to be a dancer or a singer or a hair dresser? You always dreamt of staying at home and cooking for your husband and children and cleaning your house? You will settle for a boring life at the edge of poverty and not be able to travel, drive a nice car, and buy nice clothes?

 

All of that means nothing to you?!?! The only thing you care about is to get married as soon as possible and become somebody's wife at age 16? You want to bake hamburgers at the local fast food shop, jumping from one job to another, barely making money to pay for your gas and rent? You want to wilt in your prematurely made choice of life and be a mommy of three at age 22?

 

You'll watch your school mates with their nice cars and "real" jobs, proudly walking on high heels while you will be cleaning onion and potato for your soup. Is that really your dream? The best you could find in your heart?

 

You not only deserve a nice wedding, but also someone who will wait for you to grow up first; not pick you when you're still a bud before someone better shows up in your life and shadows him. You think you know him, but you don't know yourself. Ten years from now you will still be so young, but so much different. Your needs will develop and your taste will become more mature. What you think is cool now will be out of question in only five years.

 

I would wait for three years if I were you. You should continue to go to school, grow up, think about your farther future and career, possibly go to college or obtain some training in the area that interests you, find a good job, enjoy your life, make new friends, travel, make some money then think of marriage.

 

It's easy to get married. The easiest thing in the world. Just like it's easy to get pregnant, but not easy to raise a human being. Marriage requires maturity, life and love experience, a lot of sacrifice and self-esteem. You're beyond all these categories at age 15!

[Candis01]

Thats what I think. I don't want to get married right now. I want to get my teenage years out of the way. I know I'll change, I know he'll change. I'm not ready to rush and get married. I want to wait until I'm either out of college, or pretty close. I have kept a 3.8 GPA through high school, because I am going to go to college. I'm mad at my mom that she even brought up the subject of her signing for me, because it puts me on the spot. A courthouse wedding to me isn't real. It's not serious or romantic. He comes from a house that they have pushed him to do stuff, but it wasn't a very loving home. I guess he is just trying to cling to someone who DOES love him. I know our love will mature over the years, but I want that to happen. I don't want to be a highschool drop out because I got pregnant, thats not me at all. I have tried so hard to keep my grades up to go to college, and I don't want to waste that. I just don't know how to tell him, my education comes first, because I don't want to make him feel like he's second in my life. I don't want to rush into marriage either. I know we will get married eventually, but I don't want that right now.

[RecordProducer]

Good girl! You're smarter and more mature than I thought.

You will have a good life if you go to college and not rush to get married. You want to sacrifice for him, but if you do that, you will not be happy with your choice, because it was forced and you won't do him a favor either. In the long-run it's better if both parties were happy with their choices. It's selfish of him to ask a child to marry him. He is not even supposed to have sex with you, not because it's illegal, but because you're just a child.

 

When I was 15 I had a BF who was 21. We stayed together for 6 years.

When I was like 18 or 19, I realized that I had outgrown him in every aspect. See, a man who is in his early 20s and hangs out with a 15-year old kid is not mature, self-confident, educated, and smart enough. When you finish college and get some life-experience, maturity, and wisdom that naturally comes with age, you will be laughing at your childish decision to marry him. I am pretty sure about that as I've been there too.

 

I am also shocked that your mom would let you screw your life up like that. You don't need to worry about how you're going to tell him.

When you grow up a little, you will realize that the best present you can afford for yourself is to stand up for your attitudes, protect your own wellbeing, and be yourself. You should clear your path to happiness and walk with your chin up towards your highest goals. If you set high goals, you might achieve them or you will achieve them to a certain extent. But if you set toolow goals, you will never have anything more than that.

 

Your whole life is in front of you. And life can be soooooo beautiful. You know nothing yet. All things will come to you at the right time. All you need to do is prepare healthy circumstances for your career, love, and marriage, and they will all happen at the right moment. He should be your second priority. Your first priority should be school.

 

No one has the right to choose and sign anything for you. When you're ready to get married, you will sign your marriage license yourself! And you will have a big wedding, just like the one you dream about.

 

And you will know that it was only your choice, not your mom's, not your BF's. Nobody lives your life, but you; so the decisions have to be yours and you should stand behind them even if they are wrong.

 

Tell your BF what you wrote in your last post and don't hesitate for a moment to be who you are and do what you want to do with your life. You shouldn't obey him, you're not his little daughter. He can love you, but not control you.

 

Don't let anyone take your freedom from your hands. It's the most valuable thing in this world. It's the reason number one for which wars have been fought. Freedom is everything. And he wants to take everything from you. Don't lose your dignity in a ridiculous attempt to please someone who is being selfish and nothing else. He only wants to tie you and not let get away from him. It's not romantic at all. It's imprisonment of your will. He wants to chain all your chances and opportunities just to give you crumbs that he will call true love. It's not love. If he loves you, he will let you grow up and choose him.

[Thinkalot]

absolutely. be honest and up front and communicate. Those things are cornerstones of a marriage anyway!

I recently married and i was 31! Goodness, 15 years earlier i was nowhere near the same person.

 

You sound like you know what you want, so let him know your feelings.

 

Like i said initially, you should wait, not so much for the big wedding, but until you have had a chance to grow and mature more...and lived life for a while.The proper wedding is another side reason to wait.

[Shana]

People change so much in their early to late 20's.. wait as long as you can.. I hate to say it but your love is so strong now.. I just may not be 10 years down the road (saying your 15 now)... You need to experience and get the fun, men and all that out of your system before you can settle into marriage...

[LoveIsCrazy]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

 

You say you don't want to get married yet, so DON'T!! Marriage is a very serious commitment (in my opinion) and no one should feel that they are obligated to marry another person. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and I make sure that he knows that if he feels like I am not the one he can't live with out then he needs to tell me because I don't want him to marry me because he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

Be true to yourself. If you have worked hard to get into college and want to go to college, then go! Don't settle for second best. This is the only life you have so live it the way YOU want to and not how you think others expect you to live it. I am in college and am working hard to get my degree because it is my dream! I would have killed to have your GPA when I was in high school, but slacked off because I didn't realize how important it was. I was lucky that my test scores were good and I got into the college of my choice, but I sure could use the scholarships that you will be elligible for. Follow your dreams sweetie, that is something that you will never regret! I have always dreamed of being in beauty pageants and in pursuing that dream, I have secured myself a spot in the Miss Michigan USA 2006 pageant. Sure it cost me some money that could have been used for other things, but this is my dream and to me it is worth a try. If I don't win I can still say that I competed!

 

If your boyfriend loves you enough to marry you, he loves you enough to wait for you to be ready to marry him. I would love to be married next summer, but my boyfriend has some things in his life that he wants in place before we are married. I respect that and will continue to support him until he is ready because I love and respect him. I can't wait to start our lives together, but it will be much easier when we do get married because we are both ready. I don't want him to regret his decision later in life. What happens if 5, 10, or 20 years from now you regret that you did finish school? Will you leave him and rip apart your family? Things get a lot more complicated when you throw kids in the picture. I come from a split family (my parents got married because my mom was pregnant with my sister, I was a surprise) and life has not be easy because of it. Had my parents waited until they were ready for a family, it would have been a lot better for all involved.

 

Please be open and honest with your boyfriend! If he cannot support your decisions, then move on because you deserve better!! Good luck, sweetie!

[Chimerical]

I agree with what every one else wrote about changing a ton through your 20's.

 

On a different note though:

 

I know a woman who got married by the JP. (court house) It's been 5 years, and she's been planning the "traditional wedding day" for over a year now. But no one is being very supportive of her. They tell her "You're already married, why have a big wedding?" It's not as special as it would be if they weren't already married. She's really dissappointed in the whole thing. She's been dreaming of this for years, and planning it for the last 5 years, and everyone else (including her husband) is pretty blaise about it. She really wished she had waited, and had the big wedding instead.

 

Also, the anticipation of the day is the best part!!!!! Frankly, it was really anticlimatic after the wedding. The day went by in a blink of an eye. It seemed surreal. And suddenly it was over with. The day went great, but way too quickly, and I really regret that I didn't spend more time enjoying the planning, and trying on dresses, and finding the perfect location, pouring over wedding magazines... etc.

 

You get one shot. Make it count. (no ones going to care about a 2nd wedding, or 3rd, 4th, etc.) And if he loves you, he'll wait. If you just want emancipation, there are other way's.

[Lil Honey]

Candis01:

 

You are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. DO NOT let someone push you into such a huge step. If your boyfriend is pressuring you about this now, how else is he going to pressure you in your life? How will he try to manipulate you? It isn't a big stretch to think that he will pressure you into marriage and then pressure you to NOT go to school.

 

BTW, how old is he? Has he or is he going to school? How would you be able to afford school after marriage, if he is already concerned about the cost of a wedding?

 

There are several good books (and websites) available about communicating ideas with a future spouse. One of those books is entitled something like, "101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married." I highly recommend getting some of those questions answered.

 

I also HIGHLY recommend that you wait to get married. If you tell him that you want to wait, and he doesn't want to wait, you will have to make a decision about what is best for YOU. It is YOUR life.

 

He comes from a house that they have pushed him to do stuff, but it wasn't a very loving home.

If you consider his pushy family as being not very loving, then what do you think HIM pushing YOU is? I'd say, "Not very loving."

 

I guess he is just trying to cling to someone who DOES love him.

That is NOT your problem. YOU do NOT have to be his savior. He needs to stand on his own two feet and save himself. If he can't then how on earth is he going to take care of a family?