Moving 3 hours away, girlfriend does not want LDR

[krakakos]

My girlfriend has an issue with communcation, being unresponsive when she is with friends, on vacation etc. This has happened from the beginning, but she has not given me any reason to doubt her. I believe she's still in love with me.

 

We are now moving in to the same country but in different cities for studies (3 hours by train) and she is not taking it lightly, fearing the change of environment, losing her friends etc. When we discussed whether we're gonna continue or not, she basically said that she does not trust herself to do LDR, because it's gonna be a new start and she's not gonna be able to keep up with my needs. She said that she prefers to tell me that she misses me afterwards, rather than get into something she will not be responsible enough for and will make her feel bad.

 

I expressed my will to try, and how it could be done. She mentioned that if I visit sometimes and it seems like it can work, then she will rethink about it, but when I asked if that means she wants to give it a try, she declined. She even said that she wants to meet for coffee, which angered me, cause it felt like rejection. So I got mixed signals, but I can't help but wonder whether she's just tired and the distance is an excuse for breaking up.

 

We had this conversation just 4 deays before her leaving. Even on the day of the conversation, she was really affectionate and wanted to avoid having it. But there was no point postponing it. It really made me sad and wish she had said something earlier. I drove her home without saying a word, and just wished her a good new start. She was crying. She has not left yet.

 

So, should I make it right before she leaves, by saying a goodbye? Some of her excuses sound genuine, but I also smell some bull****, so maybe I should leave it like that? Either way, I am leaving in three weeks and I am planning on visiting her.

 

Thanks for any advice.

Edited September 2, 2018 by krakakos

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Her excuses are BS and she doesn't sound very committed anyways. Don't hesitate to date after she leaves and if she does agree to a relationship, don't take any half baked crap from her.

[basil67]

First up, your girlfriend doesn't have an issue with communication. Instead, she chooses to concentrate on who she's with or what she's doing rather than be on her phone. There is nothing wrong with this. The problem is that you want something different.

 

As you already have issues with communication expectations, it's completely logical that she doesn't want to get into even more arguments with you about not meeting your communication expectation in a LDR. Perhaps if you'd been less needy about her being in contact when she's out with her friends, it may have been different. But that's not who you are.

 

Let her go. Find someone who has similar communication expectations as you.

[krakakos]

First up, your girlfriend doesn't have an issue with communication. Instead, she chooses to concentrate on who she's with or what she's doing rather than be on her phone. There is nothing wrong with this. The problem is that you want something different.

 

As you already have issues with communication expectations, it's completely logical that she doesn't want to get into even more arguments with you about not meeting your communication expectation in a LDR. Perhaps if you'd been less needy about her being in contact when she's out with her friends, it may have been different. But that's not who you are.

 

Let her go. Find someone who has similar communication expectations as you.

 

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[basil67]

Apparently your expectations are too big of a compromise for her to make. She'd rather walk away.

[krakakos]

For the most part, I accepted her communication expectations. It's not about not communcating when she's with her friends, it's about not communicating when she's in a different environment. So she expects that we won't talk much because of her making new friends and having a lot of other things in her mind, and that's gonna lead in ugly situations. But that does not sound like a person who wants to put any effort into the relationship.

[basil67]

For the most part, I accepted her communication expectations. It's not about not communcating when she's with her friends, it's about not communicating when she's in a different environment. So she expects that we won't talk much because of her making new friends and having a lot of other things in her mind, and that's gonna lead in ugly situations. But that does not sound like a person who wants to put any effort into the relationship.

 

Is she correct in expecting that not being available to talk much will lead to ugly situations with you? Or are you totally cool with it?

[krakakos]

Is she correct in expecting that not being available to talk much will lead to ugly situations with you? Or are you totally cool with it?

 

I guess she is correct, because I have expressed my concern in the past. She said that I'm right and it's not intentional. She also told me that it made her feel guilty and she did not want to go through that again. That was just once, a month ago. I don't know how to show her that I'm willing to compromise more, and if it's even worth doing that.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is telling you that it's over, OP. She doesn't even want to try it and see how it goes.

 

It's better that you two go your separate ways, because this almost certainly won't end well for you if you insist on staying together.

 

How long have you been dating?

[krakakos]

She is telling you that it's over, OP. She doesn't even want to try it and see how it goes.

 

It's better that you two go your separate ways, because this almost certainly won't end well for you if you insist on staying together.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

We have dated for 3 periods over the past 5 years. This last time it has been around 7 months. I am the only person she has had sex with. So I took it pretty serious, but you are probably right.

[d0nnivain]

You had a lovely relationship while you were together. Now you are both on different paths for your studies. You are going to one uni & she will be attending another. Like the majority of young loves your relationship is not going to survive the transition. It happens.

 

Thank her for the memories you created together & go off to your individual uni's with a clean slate. Start fresh. Meet a co-ed. Make new friends In short, let college do what it's supposed to do -- teach you about life as well as academics

[BaileyB]

First up, your girlfriend doesn't have an issue with communication. Instead, she chooses to concentrate on who she's with or what she's doing rather than be on her phone.

 

As you already have issues with communication expectations, it's completely logical that she doesn't want to get into even more arguments with you about not meeting your communication expectation in a LDR.

 

This, although I look at it the other way... If she is out with friends, she can still text or call before she leaves or after she gets home. She can still be in contact occasionally when on vacation. If she is not doing that, it's inconsiderate. I wouldn't expect more than that however.

 

Otherwise, I agree that she is telling you that it's over. She is saying - "I can't do this, I don't trust myself..." Which should be heard as "I don't want to do this..."

 

She has other friends, she wants to have fun and live her life. She doesn't want to be tied down to another person who lives far away and is sitting at home waiting for her to call... Respect her decision and let her go.

[krakakos]

You had a lovely relationship while you were together. Now you are both on different paths for your studies. You are going to one uni & she will be attending another. Like the majority of young loves your relationship is not going to survive the transition. It happens.

 

Thank her for the memories you created together & go off to your individual uni's with a clean slate. Start fresh. Meet a co-ed. Make new friends In short, let college do what it's supposed to do -- teach you about life as well as academics

 

I know it would probably not survive. But it wouldn't be so hard for me, I'm past that point in my life, I've spent 5 years studying and I'm gonna be looking for a job next year. She's younger though.

 

This, although I look at it the other way... If she is out with friends, she can still text or call before she leaves or after she gets home. She can still be in contact occasionally when on vacation. If she is not doing that, it's inconsiderate. I wouldn't expect more than that however.

 

Otherwise, I agree that she is telling you that it's over. She is saying - "I can't do this, I don't trust myself..." Which should be heard as "I don't want to do this..."

 

She has other friends, she wants to have fun and live her life. She doesn't want to be tied down to another person who lives far away and is sitting at home waiting for her to call... Respect her decision and let her go.

 

Right...

[d0nnivain]

If she's younger, especially if she hasn't experienced going away to school, she wants that clean slate. Give it to her.

 

Best wishes in your studies & I hope you land the job of your dreams

[krakakos]

If she's younger, especially if she hasn't experienced going away to school, she wants that clean slate. Give it to her.

 

Best wishes in your studies & I hope you land the job of your dreams

 

It's her first time in college, so you're right. I have to wish her a proper goodbye. Thank you for your wishes.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's been on-off for 5 years. She is starting college and moving away from home for the first time. This has met its natural end, now.

 

She is not invested anymore, and it is reasonable that she wants her freedom as she starts this new chapter of her life. Long-distance might be okay for you, OP, but she is pretty clear that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. She is wanting to move on.

[BaileyB]

Think of it this way... At least she is being honest with you. She wants to enjoy the college experience - to meet people, have some fun, and probably have some new relationships. It's to be expected, that's what you do in college.

 

It's not what you want to hear but you have to respect her honesty.

 

It's better than the alternative - she goes off, meets new people and has other relationships while you are waiting at home for her call...

 

Good luck to you - I hope you find everything you want in your future.

[preraph]

She cares about you, but she is ready to be free and just enjoy college without having to feel guilty. It doesn't mean she might not circle back around in a few years if you two were really close, but don't wait. Just get out there and date. I'm sorry. But she's right not to try to be LDR while in college. It would limit her experience and you know, you might see her around holidays or something. Good luck.

[SunnyWeather]

send her a text, wish her all the best

 

and *maybe* if the timing works, you can catch up sometime...

 

let her go

[krakakos]

So, I dropped a text saying that I did not mean to make the departure harder than it already was for her, and we met. I told her that I agree with her decision (which I did not really mean, but I understand that it's for the best). Then everything went back to normal. Met again later on to have sex. We were even joking how that was an one-night stand. I tried to be chill and pleasant.

 

When leaving, she said that she loves me, she's gonna miss me and that we'll fix everything. She also expressed jealousy about a girl I went out with, wrote me notes and gave me signs she's not ready to let go. I am not ready to let go either, but I am sure that she wants to stand by her decision for the moment, so I will only keep some minimal contact and try to forget her. If there is any chance that we get back together, she has to realise that she misses me herself.

Edited September 5, 2018 by krakakos

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree. I wouldn't hang on to hope that you two will fix things any time soon, simply because she is about to start a whole new phase of her life that will probably lead her in another direction. It's just what usually happens when moving away, starting school and meeting all kinds of new people.