friends with kids

[Zapbasket]

You should accept your friends as they are, and if you can't appreciate a person who has children, maybe you are not really such great friends to them, or vice versa.

 

I have kids. I know how it is, and I don't really feel entitled. If someone forgets my daughters birthday I assume they really didnt care that much about her to begin with. My kids are a part of my life, they are almost all of it when they are young children and babies. Mine are almost grown up now though, so i have a bit more freedom there. I also pursue my own interests and stuff too. More often than not, your friend doesn't have time away from raising her children to enjoy any time at all to herself, and that is really up to them. But honestly, a family is a family, and if you take one, you gotta take them all. That is how a whole lot of families operate, and I don't really think it's a bad thing. But hey, if its not what your looking for, look elsewhere.

 

Of course part of maintaining a friendship with someone who is married with young children when you are single and childless is understanding that sometimes you'll be spending time with the whole family, but is it unreasonable to ask that at least SOME of the time, you can just do something one on one? I feel like that is part of the give and take of keeping the friendship going, and part of what the OP was frustrated about: that the whole relationship with this one friend is now entirely on that friend's terms, and she doesn't always want her husband reading her texts, and doesn't always want to have to be obligated to fork over for birthday presents and attending the birthday parties and such. Even if it's just a half hour of one-on-one time after the kids are put to bed, is that too much to ask once and a while?

 

And I don't think that just because someone doesn't buy your child a birthday gift, it means they "don't care" about your child. Maybe it means their principal loyalty is to YOU and your friendship, and they're happy to be there for you, the kids, the spouse, when needed, but that for them it's about the adult interaction, not the kids. I remember as a little girl with a single mom, there were friends of my mom's who paid loads of attention to me, and friends who were kind to me, but I knew to go play in my room after dinner so that they and my mom could have their grown-up time, which always seemed super-boring to me, anyway, so I didn't mind missing it.

[preraph]

You should accept your friends as they are, and if you can't appreciate a person who has children, maybe you are not really such great friends to them, or vice versa.

 

I have kids. I know how it is, and I don't really feel entitled. If someone forgets my daughters birthday I assume they really didnt care that much about her to begin with. My kids are a part of my life, they are almost all of it when they are young children and babies. Mine are almost grown up now though, so i have a bit more freedom there. I also pursue my own interests and stuff too. More often than not, your friend doesn't have time away from raising her children to enjoy any time at all to herself, and that is really up to them. But honestly, a family is a family, and if you take one, you gotta take them all. That is how a whole lot of families operate, and I don't really think it's a bad thing. But hey, if its not what your looking for, look elsewhere.

 

You said if your friends forget your children's birthdays you assume they didn't care that much about them to begin with. They don't. They care about their well-being because they care about you but they don't care to be friends with your children and they're not genuinely interested and their daily goings-on. Neither of my friends who have children like other people's children or want to buy gifts for them or socialize with them or go to their parties or anything. Who loves your kids is you and the father of their kids and your closest relatives. It's just unreasonable to expect adult friends to want to be that involved with your children. Most people just fake being nice and acting interested in other people's kids to keep from hurting their feelings.

[Zapbasket]

You said if your friends forget your children's birthdays you assume they didn't care that much about them to begin with. They don't. They care about their well-being because they care about you but they don't care to be friends with your children and they're not genuinely interested and their daily goings-on. Neither of my friends who have children like other people's children or want to buy gifts for them or socialize with them or go to their parties or anything. Who loves your kids is you and the father of their kids and your closest relatives. It's just unreasonable to expect adult friends to want to be that involved with your children. Most people just fake being nice and acting interested in other people's kids to keep from hurting their feelings.

 

Well-said and I second this--and I'm someone who absolutely loves children and is, by all accounts, great with them. So I do always take an interest in my friends' children, but I get really weary of my friends taking that for granted, thinking I WANT to come over and spend the entire time with their child, every time. Sure, sometimes it's truly fun to play with dump trucks and fire engines with my friend's six-year-old. But don't have me over expecting that's what I'm going to want to do every time. I'm not your free babysitter and frankly if I didn't see your kid for six months, I wouldn't miss him. Well, maybe a little. But I'd sure miss YOU in six months of not seeing you, because it is YOU who is my friend.

 

There's a Sex and the City episode that covers everything broached in this thread. Do any of you know it? The one where Carrie's Manilo Blanick pumps go missing at a baby shower, and the mom is like, "Ah, bummer...but not my responsibility to reimburse you for your lost shoes." And Carrie thinks, "You know what? This is baby number four for you and I've gotten presents for every child as well as your wedding present and...what have you ever bought for me?" So she registers herself at Bloomingdale's or something and sends the mom-friend an invite to her "Carrie shower." The friend gets the message and sends her a new pair of MB pumps...but of course, their friendship is no more.

[preraph]

I default to liking my friends kids, but there have been times when they made me really mad because I'm protective of my friend and she's about 10 years younger than me and I've known her since she was young, so when I see her kids making things hard on her, that makes me mad. I like both of them, but I love her and I'm all about her well-being. So when her 19 year old boy still refuses to get a driver's license but she still has to taxi him around in addition to taking care of a girl who's still in school and working a part-time job, that makes me mad and I tell her.

[shellybing]

So, when I posted my initial response I hadn't read most of the commenting. Now I have read alot of it and get a better picture of what is going on. I totally agree that she put in some effort, but as a family myself, I understand. I have to disagree on a lot of those things, if her husband is reading her text messages, the relationship automatically feels unhealthy.

 

I am 7 years divorced from my husband, who used to follow me everywhere, never let me alone, and always checked my messages. I was much the same in a situation like your friend, and I lost a lot of friends when I needed them the most. The relationship ended in abuse, and I finally saw the light, and that I had been being manipulated and walked on like a door mat. Maybe she is in a worse situation than you might think. So dont give up on her too soon, maybe stick around and make sure she is okay.

 

 

I wasn't talking about bringing a gift, I was talking about saying hey, arey ou coming to the birthday we have all been so excited about? The one we sent invitations out for, and have been planning for ages, that we paid for you to attend. Gifts are not to be expected.

 

Personally, I know I wouldnt be upset at all if someone didn't come to my kids birthday, i honestly just dont care that much about their birthdays anymore myself lol But mine are almost grown up and I keep my own life seperate from their lives. I take my daughter out to do something nice on her birthday because most birthday party activities for kids are too boring for her at her age, so she gets to go out for sushi or whatever she likes, and a gift at home. We are not huge partiers though.

 

No, it really isn't your responsibility to cater to her every need and never have yours catered to, but it is also not fair to call her entitled. Maybe she has a lot going on and is exhausted. I know I sure feel exhausted some times, but I don't go around getting upset at my friends for not showing up, because I know I don't show up too.

 

 

I have such conflicting opionions about this, but I do hope you can get some answers or make peace with leaving it be. It really sucks, but honestly even if she is being maniplated and abused, she won't listen to you.

[fieldoflavender]

I don't think she's getting abused but they do have a very co-dependent relationship with each other and to be honest, it's not any of my business and I do get mad on her behalf a lot of the time and their whole history is long and drawn out but at the end of the day, she's a competent adult and it's her life choices.

 

To be fair on her behalf, for her feelings, I have shown I really like her daughter. And her daughter likes me. But like - definitely I don't enjoy watching the TV shows and playing with the toys EVERY Time. I know for her it's precious time but it's not my child at the end of the day.

 

I think I didn't mind those sacrifices in the past because I felt appreciated. But this time I got really mad when she made some snippy comment because I had asked how she was and reached out. Then she told me it was the kid's birthday and then she went - oh this other friend remembered and she was pleasantly surprised. It would have been better if she went on it directly and we had a direct conversation and then she went on to give me the silent treatment. It seems like she's acting like the 3 year old, not her daughter. I no longer feel appreciated but instead taken for granted and having all these unfair expectations on me.

 

Like I've said I've been giving up my privacy and having her husband there EVERY SINGLE time for the past 3 years meeting with her. And I've tolerated that. I like him - I don't think he's a bad guy, we are different but he cares about his family. But again, my relationship is with her and I know that I will have to interact with her family, but my point again is not every single time.

 

She may be overwhelmed, but I think some of the things she says - she's changed into someone I don't recognize anymore. I guess I need to cool down from this incident, and see if I want to still reach out and have a honest talk. Because otherwise, I may just cut her out of my life because I don't feel my friendship with her is worthwhile anymore.

 

I can still be friends with people who have kids - but I think the criteria is that I still need to be appreciated and if I make sacrifices, they can't be taken for granted.

[preraph]

^ Yeah, cool off a little bit. It's nothing you have to decide right now. I do just think you should handle it one situation at a time and be honest but diplomatic but let her know you're not in the mood for a play date. Hah. I know what you mean about the husband being there too. You can't really even talk about anything private. What happened to me once and really made me mad is my friend accidentally left her message chat thing open and signed in and her husband got on there and pretended to be her and at the time I was all wound up about my old flame and poured my heart out. Man, I was red hot -- and so was she. Not cool.

 

I have to say, going to a kid party is my worst nightmare. I can't. My old friends already know I can't. And now I have a handy excuse should some new person invite me, which is I have a bad knee and can't risk being tripped up, which is true. I am always having to watch kids at the grocery store that they don't plow into me.

[Popeye_Jones]

There is a time and a place for everything, and an adult friendship is NOT the place for kids. That is certainly not saying anything against kids or anything like that. It's just that they really don't belong in any sort of relationship that is between two adults, be it casual dating, a serious relationship, friendship, what have you. From my perspective, my friendship with another adult is just that. Their's and my friendship. It doesn't belong to the kids. It doesn't belong to anyone else either. Our friendship is special because it's ours and it does not involve anyone else. And by that same token, their other relationships don't need to involve me. Be it with their kids, spouse, other friends, etc. I don't get why people want to mix everything.

 

On top of that, it's not the same when it's you, your friend, their kids, their spouse, etc. They don't act the same when they bring along their family. It's almost like they look at you through the same eyes as their family. That is to say, they don't see you the same when it's not just the two of you. I was in a situation recently where I got really annoyed because my friend's great grandchildren were around. Nothing at all against them, they are cute and adorable and all that, but my friendship is with her, not with her and her great grandchildren. And what was making it even more frustrating was, these kids are not her responsibility. Yet, there they were. I just had a talk with her and told her no offense to the kids, they seem wonderful, but I didn't feel like we could really be ourselves when they are around. Much to my surprise, she agreed and has not had them around (when I have been there) ever since.

 

To that end, I am not a kid person really. I have nieces and I love them and do things with them. But, as a rule, I am just not a kid person. And I don't have them around any of my adult friends. I say all of that to say that YOUR friendship is with you and YOUR friend. Not with her and her kids. It would NOT be unreasonable for her hubby to watch them while the two of you had one on one time. Even if it's only every once in awhile.

[Popeye_Jones]

But honestly, a family is a family, and if you take one, you gotta take them all. That is how a whole lot of families operate, and I don't really think it's a bad thing.

 

I have to disagree with you there. That is typically a recipe for disaster where a friendship is concerned. When people make friendships, it is best for that friendship to stay between the two people. When the family members of one of the friends start getting involved, too many bad feelings can arise. Trust me, I speak from experience.

[Popeye_Jones]

You said if your friends forget your children's birthdays you assume they didn't care that much about them to begin with. They don't. They care about their well-being because they care about you but they don't care to be friends with your children and they're not genuinely interested and their daily goings-on. Neither of my friends who have children like other people's children or want to buy gifts for them or socialize with them or go to their parties or anything. Who loves your kids is you and the father of their kids and your closest relatives. It's just unreasonable to expect adult friends to want to be that involved with your children. Most people just fake being nice and acting interested in other people's kids to keep from hurting their feelings.

 

Amen! I have never understood why people think that a friendship with them equates to a friendship with their kids. It doesn't. Or for that matter, any other member of their family. I don't expect my friends to befriend anyone in my family. In fact, I would not want them to. Not because either side is necessarily bad, but because, there is no point in it. I have a friend now that wanted me to be close with her family members, and I told her that was a terrible idea. Mainly because they looked at me like they wanted to draw down on me whenever they saw me. She finally agreed that it was better that we keep the friendship between us. But, I just never quite followed her logic there.

Edited September 4, 2018 by Popeye_Jones

[shellybing]

I have to disagree with you there. That is typically a recipe for disaster where a friendship is concerned. When people make friendships, it is best for that friendship to stay between the two people. When the family members of one of the friends start getting involved, too many bad feelings can arise. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

I am not saying every interaction has to be with family. I hated my husband never let me have alone time to rant and rave, and complain about lifes woes with my friends alone. I am divorced now, and that was one of the reasons. I also hated it that his mother was always involved in our relationship too. So yes, it can become a problem in extrememly co dependent relationships.

 

But, for example, being a single parent, my children are going to have to be involved in some activities. I have a coffee date tomorrow sans kids. If I like the guy and we start dating, sometimes, the kids are going to be around for the meal, for the show, or whatever. But my children do not dictate who I hang out with, and for what reasons.

 

This weekend for labor day I had a few drinks with a friend and we watched tv while the kid played with the dog. So what right? Not a huge deal. Tomorrow I am having coffee with another friend, sans kids, because I know I would like to have more adult conversations with him.

 

I don't expect my friends to hang out with my kids. I think that might be weird.

 

When I was married and my kids were little and much younger, I had one friend who was a single male, and I would sometimes ask him to babysit for us, but then it was bad because after time passed it became weird to see him with my daughter and I grew suspicious of child predator behavior. . . .I am sure he was a genuinely happy guy to help, but it still kind of creeped me out a little bit, so I stopped asking. haha

[shellybing]

I would also like to add that I am the kind of person who keeps my intimate relationships private, for the most part from my kids. I make it extremely clear I am looking for a relationship, not for a father of my kids.

 

Those kinds of relationships just freak me out a little bit, but for the most part, I hope that good longstanding friends care about my family, as well as me too. My kids are a part of me, and they always will be, and that is the point I am trying to make. Not that ya'll need to get down on the floor and play peek a boo with the baby every time you visit. People need time away from that too, you lose your sanity if you don't have adult time.

[Popeye_Jones]

Where is this forum? Haha I'm interested in it. Yeah I'm almost 200% sure I want to cut her out of my life. I've given some thought to saying the whole "can we have a talk" but you know what - I don't think she's worth it. If she can't clue into this - then I guess we can remember the good times and move on and have our little "Friend breakup". Meh.

 

I gave her a date to hang out and she's giving me the silent treatment. Like I don't have time for this bs.

 

 

The Childfree Pub - The Childfree Life

 

Check this one out

[Eternal Sunshine]

I frequent childfree FB groups - they discuss issues such as these in great detail. Those groups are the only thing that makes me feel like I am not an alien/outcast for having zero desire to have kids. Not only that, but I find kids in general highly annoying.

 

I went to a friend's bday party yesterday and there were 4 kids aged 2-5. They screamed non stop for 2 hours. I couldn't even tell if they were crying or playing. When I got home, I took a couple of Neurofen and had a long nap. Society can go and %^$#. Not having kids is blissful

[BettyDraper]

I frequent childfree FB groups - they discuss issues such as these in great detail. Those groups are the only thing that makes me feel like I am not an alien/outcast for having zero desire to have kids. Not only that, but I find kids in general highly annoying.

 

I went to a friend's bday party yesterday and there were 4 kids aged 2-5. They screamed non stop for 2 hours. I couldn't even tell if they were crying or playing. When I got home, I took a couple of Neurofen and had a long nap. Society can go and %^$#. Not having kids is blissful

 

I love children until they start screaming or crying.

 

When that starts, I just want to run away from them.

[Haydn]

I frequent childfree FB groups - they discuss issues such as these in great detail. Those groups are the only thing that makes me feel like I am not an alien/outcast for having zero desire to have kids. Not only that, but I find kids in general highly annoying.

 

I went to a friend's bday party yesterday and there were 4 kids aged 2-5. They screamed non stop for 2 hours. I couldn't even tell if they were crying or playing. When I got home, I took a couple of Neurofen and had a long nap. Society can go and %^$#. Not having kids is blissful

 

Very like a lot of adults then?

[Mysterio]

I don't know if I have stated this point. For me. I seem to hang with the friends that have kids, way more than the ones that are single.

[Mysterio]

I frequent childfree FB groups - they discuss issues such as these in great detail. Those groups are the only thing that makes me feel like I am not an alien/outcast for having zero desire to have kids. Not only that, but I find kids in general highly annoying.

 

I went to a friend's bday party yesterday and there were 4 kids aged 2-5. They screamed non stop for 2 hours. I couldn't even tell if they were crying or playing. When I got home, I took a couple of Neurofen and had a long nap. Society can go and %^$#. Not having kids is blissful

 

I don't have the desire to have kids as well. Its one of the reasons that broke my ex GF and I up. She now is pregnant and did it invitro. I don't want to bring a child into this world, unless the mother and I are together and are basically insynch.

[Leigh 87]

I GUESS I can try to look at it differently. I personally don't think it's not a good role model for children - I'm not saying the 1-2 year plan, but people who never decide to go back to work. I had a friend in high school who was telling me about how she felt it was a shame that her mother got awards for her work and then just ended up staying at home and it was clear she didn't see her as a role model.

 

I think one can love your child and set a good example without being with them 24/7. But anyways, it's just a difference of opinion. To be honest, I could respect her choice more if she wasn't trying to rub it in my face all the time about how important family is and how important it is to put family first blah blah.

 

To be honest for me, sure family is important too , but so is my career and I think considering both doesn't make you a bad person.

 

Well I think that should change. Husbands SHOULD also do some housework. Personally for me, I make a very high income. It's hard for me to find a guy who makes more. But I think the person who makes less should do a bit more housework - not be the doormat, but it's fair. You contribute in different ways. If someone can bring me more money than I do - sure I will go do more housework and more childcare. But if you're taking in half of what I make, you go and do the dishes. That's more gender neutral. And why should I give up my high paying job to take more mat leave just because I'm a woman? (which is essentially what the friend is doing - but hey whatever floats her boat).

 

 

 

I can see where you are coming from but you are wasting energy trying to "understand" why she is the way she is. Truth is, being a mummy is the happiest, most amazing thing that many women experience. I abhor smug mums and want a professional career and it is super important for me to keep my friends - but I also have a gut feeling that I will just love being a mum so much, and it will make me so much happier than going back to work ever would, at least initially. But yeah, shoving the family first crap down childless friends faces is annoying, especially when these people may be infertile and feeling terrible about NOT getting to put a family first.

 

 

Hmm.. Role models....I have two parents who had great jobs and degrees (well my dad didn't get one despite better marks in school than my mum, he was an area manager on twice my mums teaching salary), a huge house etc... mum then worked her butt off when my father became disabled to maintain a comfortable life...Yet I still spent my 20s travelling in menial jobs, despite my mums awesome work ethic. I did go to podiatry college and am finishing up soon at age 32 once I graduate - I always knew I wanted a degree in a solid, reliable field. So my parents both worked hard, did well, and are super responsible - they even tell me to put off having babies until I am mid to late 30s as I am graduating podiatry school mature ages, when I am 32, and they think I should become successful first, buy a house, pay off all student loans:sick: YET - I spent my 20s totally reckless. No regrets.

 

Thing is - I want a family more than a career. But still really, really want a professional job. I just do not care how fast I move up the career ladder, or whether or not I have to put it on hold. My number one dream is to be a mum at this stage in my life, therefore I am happily going to put my career on hold when I graduate, as we are not willing to play Russian roulette with my already bad fertility for the sake of having a "good job".

 

Also - is it the income discrepancy of a security guard type of guy versus a degree educated woman? My partner makes 2000 a week AUD....

 

He is a big truck driver.

 

He will make more than I will ever make as a podiatrist until I open my own practice later in life. Heck, he is smart for getting a good income without 10s of 1000s of student debt! He is also a lot smarter than me at solving problems, fixing technology and has helped me endlessly watch my online lectures when I am clueless with connecting and programming different devices:lmao:

 

Blue collar work does not always pay a lot less than professional jobs, just sayin'

 

I want to be a mum more than anything yet I also cannot imagine losing my friendships - a life of JUST being a mum, with 0 career prospects, or with 0 friends LOL - also wouldn't appeal to be at all! I mean.. the kids will grow up and leave and say Fck you mum as teens and yeah! What ever will your mate do then once her kids are off to college, if she has chosen not to maintain friendships and a sense of self at any degree?

 

I will be sure to try and avoid being in your friends situation, but do believe all I will think and care about will be my babies for a time, but will try and keep in touch with friends. Does your friend ever offer to let you just come and chat, even while she is busy cleaning and tending to babies? Just time spent with a friend, however short, matters; ten years from then, you will still have things to enjoy other than your kids, once they are off at summer camps and then college....

 

Just thought I would comment as a my friend also was poo poo about my Fiances job.... a mere "truck driver"... Felt I should go for another podiatrist or professional person:rolleyes: Like hello, he earns more than the majority of podiatrist without having the massive student debt, and it is a skilled job to use 18 gears and navigate an 18 plus wheeler down skinny alley ways....I digress, my mum is a teacher and to be perfectly honest with you - is not SUPER intelligent as her strong suit (she is an angel, an absolutely amazing person and she is not silly either) but honestly, my father is far more intelligent yet he didn't do Uni - he become an area manager of a huge company and earned twice my mums salary.

 

So all kinds of people can be role models, be it stay at home mummies or uni lecturers and doctors. Honestly - parents who LOVE their kids and enjoy playing with them and showering them with love tend to build the healthiest kids.

Edited October 3, 2018 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I frequent childfree FB groups - they discuss issues such as these in great detail. Those groups are the only thing that makes me feel like I am not an alien/outcast for having zero desire to have kids. Not only that, but I find kids in general highly annoying.

 

I went to a friend's bday party yesterday and there were 4 kids aged 2-5. They screamed non stop for 2 hours. I couldn't even tell if they were crying or playing. When I got home, I took a couple of Neurofen and had a long nap. Society can go and %^$#. Not having kids is blissful

 

I was also a fan of childfree forums and abhorred most kids and HATED toddlers:sick:

 

After meeting a genuine love relationship (so basically, fraught with difficulty in the early days since most true love matches are usually with those that you cannot have/are incompatible:sick:) - I seemed to change and now realise I am destined to be a mum. Not a bio clock thing - I actually want nothing more than to play with my future kids doing kid things all day every day:love:

 

I used to feel so lucky to get to walk away from screaming, snotty infants and toddlers who kicked me when I offered to help put their shoes on:sick:

 

But I cringe thinking about friends of mine who dislike kids, having to only come and hang out when there are screaming children about.

 

Being formerly child free by choice myself (and quite vocal about it), it has made me want to endeavour to not p*ss my friends off who just do not find my little ones "adorable"

[Leigh 87]

Oh yeah I've had Facebook issues, so no thanks to Facebook. I might check them out - lol it can be hard to survive in this world where everyone believes their little kid is answer to all the world's unhappiness.

 

Oh boy.

 

I struggle to believe women when they tell me that they "only THOUGHT they were happy before kids"

 

Women have told me that they were never truly happy until kids.

 

And I clearly someone who dearly WANTS kids more than anything.

 

Maybe it is because I have sh*t fertility (takes longer to conceive, if at all) - and also the fact I spent most of my life NOT wanting children - that has made me want to live for other joys other than kids.

 

Perhaps the people that have this mindset are the types who ALWAYS wanted to by mums and assumed that marriage and then kids were some holy grail, get out of jail free card to happiness.

 

Boy are they in for a rude awakening when their 13 year olds tell them to go Fck themselves when they do not get a new car or an i phone, and they have no career/friends or life other than their kids. No mates to complain to even.

 

Then again - I suppose most parents like that have other soccer mums to gossip to if they need some mental stimulation.

 

Again - I stress that I say all this WANTING children more than anything lol. I just don't want to derive NO pleasure from my life independently of my future children...

[Popeye_Jones]

Kids ruin everything. They take your time, your money, your looks, your sanity, your dignity, your sex life. And there is NO escaping them. Even people who SAY they do not want kids still act like they do. I actually knew someone who claimed that they did not want kids yet still made a nursery out of their spare bedroom. For their unborn, nonexistent child that they swore that they did not want. Creepy. And even people who have grown kids, babble on and on and on about them as if they were still 3-5 years old. I want to scream "your kids are adults. It's not like they are babies doing adorable baby crap, so why are you going on and on about them?" And holy crap, Lord help when someone becomes a grandparent or worse yet, a great grandparent. The whole "parenting" thing kicks in all over again. And I want to scream "THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS!!".

Edited October 3, 2018 by Popeye_Jones

[No_Go]

I went through exactly the same transition around age of 30. Before than I steered away from kids.

 

In my case wasn’t even related to a relationship- I think it was a hormonal switch. Basically I matured into being a real woman with the respective maternal urges and instincts.

 

Kids in my case won’t budge on my lifestyle at all because 100% of my preferred pass times are family friendly. I never had the urges to ‘party’ or drink or travel excessively, own few pets, so it will all fall right into place or so I believe:D Maybe when it happens I’ll say other things At very least there will be work schedule adjustment - both me and BF have veeery late schedules by choice... but sacrifices will be made:)

 

OP, your entitled friends and coworkers with kids are just that- entitled and selfish. Basically using kids as excuse. I’ve never once made a ‘personal reason’ excuse to work/friends and having kids won’t change that. I expect the same from others. You are dealing with bad apples, not a representative majority.

 

I was also a fan of childfree forums and abhorred most kids and HATED toddlers:sick:

 

After meeting a genuine love relationship (so basically, fraught with difficulty in the early days since most true love matches are usually with those that you cannot have/are incompatible:sick:) - I seemed to change and now realise I am destined to be a mum. Not a bio clock thing - I actually want nothing more than to play with my future kids doing kid things all day every day:love:

 

I used to feel so lucky to get to walk away from screaming, snotty infants and toddlers who kicked me when I offered to help put their shoes on:sick:

 

But I cringe thinking about friends of mine who dislike kids, having to only come and hang out when there are screaming children about.

 

Being formerly child free by choice myself (and quite vocal about it), it has made me want to endeavour to not p*ss my friends off who just do not find my little ones "adorable"

Edited October 4, 2018 by No_Go

[bene]

There are different types of friendships in my opinion.

 

Some friendships are lifelong and endure periods of less contact but still somehow pick up from where you left off. In my experience these friendships often form in quite young age and you develop a bond that remains even if grow to different directions in life. Maybe you would not even be friends with these people if you had met later in life.

 

Some friendships are more based on circumstances like being in a similar phase in life, sharing a hobby, working together etc. These friendships might fade when the circumstances change because they were the main glue holding it together. This could be what’s happening in your case.

[Leigh 87]

Kids ruin everything. They take your time, your money, your looks, your sanity, your dignity, your sex life. And there is NO escaping them. Even people who SAY they do not want kids still act like they do. I actually knew someone who claimed that they did not want kids yet still made a nursery out of their spare bedroom. For their unborn, nonexistent child that they swore that they did not want. Creepy. And even people who have grown kids, babble on and on and on about them as if they were still 3-5 years old. I want to scream "your kids are adults. It's not like they are babies doing adorable baby crap, so why are you going on and on about them?" And holy crap, Lord help when someone becomes a grandparent or worse yet, a great grandparent. The whole "parenting" thing kicks in all over again. And I want to scream "THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS!!".

 

Are you just trying to say this to make yourself feel better?

 

Some people have children and love their bodies and have great partners who also think they are the bees knees. Some people get lucky in life - it does NOT have to be KIDS = poverty, being obese and not having a career or life outside of the kids:sick:

 

I mean... Plenty of mums just LOVE being mums AND they have friends and even, shock horror... CHILD FREE friends who they keep in touch with:confused:

 

You are clearly speaking for yourself. Many women LOVE having children and nothing makes them happier. In fact, plenty of mums feel sorry for those who miss out on the greatest joys that they personally know; they cannot imagine their lives without their children. I know mums who have travelled extensively, got god jobs (it IS 2018, did you not get the memo about MUMS having good jobs and not being poor after children come along?) AND they get to experience motherhood later in the game, AFTER they have gone right ahead and "experienced" sleeping around, career changes, moving whenever they want and sleeping in every weekend!

 

And yet they STILL say that the level of contentment and overall fulfilment and level of "happy" they felt - was diluted in comparison to having children.

 

Obviously not all women feel like this. Some people are dealt sh*t cards in life, and abhor parenting and regret having children. I would say that a lot of mothers would laugh at your assumptions as they are just blow away with how happy they are as mums, even after having a reference point of travel and care free years to go by.

 

If you do not feel it is worth the sacrifice than your drive to be a mum is not strong enough; you have to feel that you would give it ALL up to be a mother, and that you want it SO BAD that all the money and time mean so much less to you than having a family does.

 

Otherwise it would not be worth it all and yes, you WOULD end up feeling the same way you do. Those mums usually still love their children, but do harbour your feelings and would not go and do it again (have kids) if they knew what they know now as mums.

 

Just be mindful that so many parents out there would look at your post and quietly think wow my kids have only made my life so much happier.

 

Weight, money and all that crap does not mean as much to all women as it does you. Not that ALL mothers become huge, grumpy, broke milk pumping machines, who have NOTHING worthwhile in life outside of their kids and inane soccer mum gossip:lmao: